Nosy questions about family planning help

Maebb

I know this topic has been discussed on here many times, but I just want to get your advice on a specific conversation with a coworker.  I work in a professional business setting, and the coworker was on the same level as my boss but not my boss.  He is a friendly person, but he doesn't have really great social boundaries.

The conversation went like this:

 - Him:  [Friendly conversation about our weekends, asking about DS, etc.]  So, when are you having another one? [Glances down at my stomach.]

 - Me:  I guess we'll have to wait and see.

 - Him:  Well, when are you planning on it?

 - Me:  I don't know...there's only a certain amount of planning that can go into that, you know?

(Background - I've had two miscarriages, and I am a little offended by the idea that someone just thinks I can mark on a calendar when I want to have baby # 2 because it might not be that easy.  He doesn't know about the m/c's, and he's not that close of a friend to be asking those kinds of questions IMO.]

 - Him:  Well, you know when you stop taking birth control - that's one way you can plan it.

 - Me:  Ummm...yeah, that's kind of where we are, and we'll see how things go.

 - Him:  How long did it take you to conceive DS after you started trying?

 - Me:  It was pretty quick. 

[Actually, we conceived in the second month of trying but had a m/c that first time.  Then I got pregnant with DS the next month.  We just started trying again in November, and I had a m/c in December.  So we took a break for a month, and now we're trying again, but I have a lot of anxiety like what if I have a m/c again and what if I have some kind of health issue, so I probably won't tell coworkers until we hear the heartbeat.]

 - Him:  Well, maybe it will be quick this time too.

 - Me:  Yeah, maybe.  I'm getting older, so I don't know.

______________________________

 

Suggestions on how I could have handled this conversation differently?  I was very uncomfortable and felt kind of put on the spot.  I kind of wanted to tell him about my m/c's just to shut him up and help him to see that this is not a friendly hallway smalltalk kind of topic for some people, but he really is just a nice guy who is a bit clueless, and I didn't want to make him feel bad.  Also because of the dynamic with him being a manager that I could end up reporting to someday, I didn't want to be bitchy.  But seriously...his questions were just not appropriate for workplace smalltalk, and I didn't know how to say that in a polite way.

Please help!  I am lacking in communication skills, and I want to know how to handle this conversation next time because he asks me like every few months.  Thanks.

 

 

 

shadypines

I can't!!!

ppants

I could see you and a close friend having this type of conversation at this level, but a not so close co-worker?  I agree with @ bearsbearsbears.  Be direct and say you don't feel comfortable discussing it or it's personal, etc. 

Maebb

@pobrecita, what would you say specifically?

theimpossibleastronaut

Yeah, this is too much information that this person wants... It's really freaking weird that he went into that much detail IMO.

Maebb

@RiverSong82, it's not uncharacteristic for him.  It's kind of like a close talker - those people maybe don't understand physical personal space, and this guy does not understand personal boundaries in conversations.  I don't want to make him feel too bad or come off as rude, but I do want him to understand it because I'm tired of dealing with the questions, and other people he talks to might be more easily offended or even take it as harassment.

Thanks, everyone, for your thoughts!

theimpossibleastronaut

@maebb then just nicely say that it's something that's private and you'd rather not talk about it if you're uncomfortable. Hopefully, he'll understand.

secretsout

I probably would have just said, "who knows" and shrugged when he asked the first question. I think they were inappropriate questions and he should know better but he's probably just clueless. If he had pressed after that I'd probably say that I'd rather not discuss it and would have walked away.

One of my male Co workers asked if I was medically ok to have children once and then proceeded to tell me about his wife's struggles with getting pregnant. In an elevator where I was trapped. I try to lube light and diffuse with humor when I can to keep things from getting awkward but sometimes directness is called for.

Maebb

@jsgrl613, I don't know what "lube light" means.  I assume it's a typo, but it's funny considering the context.

Sorry about that question from your coworker.  I think sometimes people just haven't experienced it, so they can't imagine that people might have complications with getting pregnant and having a baby, so they think it's a nice topic for casual conversation.  I agree that I've tried to keep it light and diffuse with humor, but it may be time to be more direct.

RayRay007

I've had two m/c TFAS and if someone were to harp on me about having another I have a bitchy retort in mind but I don't know if I'd actually do it. 

 - Him:  [Friendly conversation about our weekends, asking about DS, etc.]  So, when are you having another one? [Glances down at my stomach.]

 - Me:  Well I've had two miscarriages since the fall so who knows. 

That would shut them up quick. But I would probably actually say something like this: 

 - Him:  [Friendly conversation about our weekends, asking about DS, etc.]  So, when are you having another one? [Glances down at my stomach.]

 - Me:  I guess we'll have to wait and see.

 - Him:  Well, when are you planning on it?

 - Me:  Um, I don't really think this is an appropriate conversation. 

RayRay007

Maebb said:

@jsgrl613, I don't know what "lube light" means.  I assume it's a typo, but it's funny considering the context.

I chuckled at lube light too  

SpaceGirlSpiff

Holy obnoxious.

I don't mind a quick "Oh are you planning to have more children?" as small talk, but that convo was too far and annoying.

I would have either just kept saying "We'll see" over and over, or politely shut it down like was mentioned earlier.

Awkward.

theseaword

Wow, that was really inappropriate! Definitely do not get into details at work. I probably would have just played totally ignorant. "Oh, there's nothing to tell!", etc.

kmm2150

I myself am guilty of asking not so close friends about 'when are you going to have a baby' when I was young. I just never even thought about it being too personal. Once I had a friend go through a miscarriage, and once we started trying and were not instantly pregnant, I realized how potentially invasive and upsetting those questions are.

This is all to say that I generally think most people are completely oblivious and not trying to be rude, so in general and particularly in a work setting like yours I think it makes sense to keep it short and sweet but not make then feel bad for asking. Depending in how old LO is you can blatantly lie and say 'when LO is x years old' (and then they can start preaching to you about the best spacing for siblings haha). Or just stick to the full we don't know, we haven't decided, still thinking about it, etc. And then ask them a question about their own pregnancy/kids/what are you doing for lunch.

kmm2150

Want to add that Im not opposed to the more blunt honest answers especially when someone is being relentlessly nosy, but I think sometimes people truly mean no harm and it's ok to let it go without calling them on the carpet.

RayRay007

pobrecita said:

Saying "I'm uncomfortable" is not calling anyone to the carpet.

No but saying "I keep having mcs/IF/whatever the problem is (so shut your pie hole)" is, and that's what some say/would be tempted to say but PP has a point that most people are just naive and and don't need to be put on the spot with a bitchy retort like that. 

plus12012

I'd probably say something sarcastic like "after you pop one out then you can ask me that" or "I don't know, why don't you ask my husband and see what he has to say about it". But, it's Monday and I am a major B today.

Gargita

@maebb, sorry about the uncomfortable situation.  I hope you find something that works for you.  He sounds totally oblivious, which is a bad quality to have in a professional setting.  If it's making you uncomfortable, you should tell him.  There's no easy way to do it, but thanking him for his interest/concern and explaining that it makes you uncomfortable is both nice and direct.

If I were scripting it out, it could be like:

Dude: Hey, tell me all about your family planning.  Are you charting your CM?  How many DPO are you?  Have you read about the Shettles method?  It totes worked for me and my wife.

Maebb:  Hey, dude.  It's nice that you care about my personal life, but this isn't something I talk about at work.  How was your weekend?

theseaword

I don't think he sounds oblivious at all. Sounds like he really wants to know. I would assume he wants to know if you'll be taking leave soon. And snide that info absolutely impacts work opportunities (even though it's legally not supposed to) he crossed a major line and it's in your best interest to shut him down or lie.

Maybe I'm just paranoid.

persephonerose

I am not religious but I have used the following several times.

Look to the sky, fold your hands like you are praying and say, "When the good lord is willing".  Normally that makes people back off.