What kind of mother will you be?

MSUMands

So I went on a play date last week that I haven't been able to get out of my mind.

I met a woman whose son is about my sons age (15 months). We decided to meet at the library, then go to lunch. At the library I started to see the major differences in our parenting styles.

My LO walked around, went near other kids, read board books from the baby section, explored the adult area all while I shadowed him. Her LO immedietly got hand sanitizer, and stayed firmly in her lap to avoid germs. She brought her own books from home instead of looking at the "gross" library books. More hand sanitizer before we leave.

We decide to head to lunch. She texts me on the way there (drove separately) to try to get a booth that is open because she brings her own high chair in to all restaurants. No problem. She ends up beating me there, and when I walk in she is holding her son on her hip and wiping down the booth top to bottom with anti-bacterial spray.

Her son refuses to hold his own sippy cup so she holds it for him while he tilts his head back and opens his mouth. She doesn't trust her own high chair tray to be clean so she spoon feeds her son baby food directly into his mouth. He is hardcore staring at my LO when I hand him a banana and bowl of oranges. When I tell her that my son loves playing with our dogs, especially outside, she visibly shudders.

There were a few other glaring differences in our parenting styles, but you get the point. I always knew I would be on the looser side of things with my kids, I'm a firm believer in self directed play and independent learning with a lot of child choice. BUT I try hard not to judge other styles because frankly, it doesn't affect me! And I'm not convinced my way is better than anyone else's. Interestingly, this mom and I both have similar education/early childhood backgrounds.

This made me wonder where all the June moms are on the scale, if 1 is letting your kid play in traffic and 10 being a bubble boy and never leaving your house. Have you talked about it with your SO? Are you going to wing it an see what happens? Any reasons one way or the other?

bebemac

I'm a 4.

jshrop

I'm definitely in favor of parenting like my mother in law. The kids were always playing with other kids, traveling, exploring, ect. She was nearby and watching like a hawk but she allowed them to learn their own independence. That being said we will have structure (my parents lacked this for us because they didn't know how to structure themselves). She will have an appropriate nap/bedtimes, eat as a family, ect. I can't see myself being a germaphobe because I truly believe that a kid needs to build those immunities. Anyway-- long story short, what kind of parenting style?? Common sense approach while allowing my daughter independence to explore her world???

mjdavies

Nice thread! I'm interested to hear what category STMs+ think they are in and what FTMs picture they will be in.

I'm all for a similar style to @MSUMands. I would like my child to be able to explore how the world works and have the option to figure things out for himself. I of course will be there to help out (and make sure he doesn't get hit by traffic) but would like him to feel confident in trying new things but also doing things for himself at an early age. I think that puts me at a 5 on your scale or maybe a 4. Obviously his safety is important but I won't let germs stop him from experiencing the world.

My DH is kind of a germ phobe though and he is like a hawk when we watch our nephews. I know he wants to teach our LO a lot of things too but of the two of us, I could see him being more helicopter (at first anyway). I'm a more laid back person though. Additional question, does anyone have vastly different parenting styles from their SO?

katekat8721

Pretty much pigging backing off jshrop.

I don't want to be a spazzy helicopter mom. I want them to feel comfortable and confident with their own choices, and they can't do that if I'm breathing down their necks looking for mistakes. At the same time, there will be boundaries, structure and schedules for bed times and such. This is for all of our sanities. I also realize though I'm a FTM and things change and I need to be flexible!

Mztwilson

I let my kids go off and explore. My oldest are 9 and 7. We live in a very small town. Just about everything is within walking distance so I let the oldest 2 go ride their bikes ect. The youngest who's 2 I watch like a hawk but I surely don't keep her in a bubble.

MSUMands

@rachel5130 She did mention that her son had been sick about once every two months. I'm not sure if that means a runny nose or a ER run, but that seemed high.

k318

I let my kid explore but of course I watch to make sure he doesn't like fall on the stairs or anything. I do bring antibacterial wipes with me and wipe down part of the table where my child eats at his highchair in restaurants but that's about the extent of my craziness with the germs. He plays with other kids, plays with the dog, puts his toys in his mouth, etc. like pp said, the kid needs germs to build an immune system!

gmc222

I am very similar to you - let DD do her own thing but make sure she is safe. I am definitely not overly concerned with germs, and although we used a lot of Purell when we first brought her home, wedon't overanalyze about every little thing she touches. DH is actually at the library with her now and I'm sure she has her hands on everything!

mjdavies

@Rachel5130 agree about the correct and not only when they are out of control but also with speech as soon as they can talk. How else are they going to learn the right way to say stuff? My sister does this with her kids and my 5 year old newphew's vocab is amazing whereas my SIL didn't ever correct language and my 6 year old newphew is in speech therapy.

@jshrop, yes to schedules! Nap time and regular meal times are so important! I hope I can be a little flexible in the sense that my LO will be able to take a nap at his regular time somewhere other than our house in his crib but I will definitely be implementing a schedule.

BMaidPlanner

I hope to fall somewhere in between "EVERYTHING YOU TOUCH CAN KILL YOU!" and this: 

owlcup

I'm probably a 3 or 4. I let the kids do basically whatever as long as they are not hurting themselves/others and being respectful of those around them. Like no jumping and screaming in a restaurant. Walking at the store is fine, but no running wild.

DH is probably a 6. He's pretty helicoptery.

erind228

I am definitely lower on the scale....like maybe a three.  Germs are everywhere.  I mean, you use hand sanitizer and touch a paper or pencil and you have picked up more germs.  I don't follow my kids around all day making sure that they are in a bubble and not exposed to germs.  That isn't good for their immune systems anyway.  I mean, that's why we have an immune system in the first place.  My kids explore, but with constant supervision.  I can totally understand a mom being judicious if their kid had allergies or some other health issue, but other than that, I say let them play and be kids. 

christinemurray91

I'm exactly the type of mom I thought I would be. I'm waaay on the looser side. I let my daughter explore, get messy, climb high things, go down the big slide etc. We didn't implement a sleep schedule until she was almost 2, because up til then she would fall asleep when she was tired and then hit 2 and would fight it and be miserable... so no schedules up til then. We take her everywhere we go, so she's been to concerts (outdoor), pubs, fairs, theatres, museums, you name it (and the library every other day). We're always with her, we watch her and let her know when she needs to be careful or stay close.

I know a lot of people disagree with our choices, but we're always complimented on how smart she is, how affectionate she is, how gentle she is with other kids, how well she listens... My sister is crazy on schedules and flash cards and "because I said so" and her kid (2.5years old, same as my daughter) is really high strung and stressed out all the time... Its a lot of pressure for a little kid to be expected to be perfectly clean and still all the time, IMO.

Edit: That being said, we do always have family meals together, regular outings, story time... so there's structure, but we're very flexible on it. And she is corrected when she acts out or doesn't listen, but that isn't very often.

christinemurray91

LoHerrim said:

Hmmm this is interesting. As far as exploring and sanitizing, I'm a 3. I let my kids do their own thing (always supervised). They get dirty, they play in the mud, they even eat things off the floor sometimes (that used to freak me out but sometimes you just can't stop them fast enough!) But on a discipline level, I'm an 8. I am strict and very consistent with them. I enforce manners and respect (not fear, respect). They are well behaved in public and at home. Yes pleases and no thank yous. Yes ma'am and no sir. Excuse me and let me open the door for you, stranger. They seem well adjusted and happy. I'm by no means perfect, but I hope to do them (and society) justice!

This exactly! I was reading over mine and feeling like a nutcase. 

Manners, respect and listening to direction is huge... otherwise, go play!

Valie18

I'm probably a 3.

I'm pretty relaxed with kids (but as a FTM I've no experience with my own.) I'm not likely to say no unless I am worried the kid could end up in emerg. You want to see how fast you bike around the park? Do you have your helmet on? Okay. Watch out for other kids! And then I will watch them like a hawk and try to remember where the saline and gauze is at home.

babygabe614

I'm a FTM but I have a stepson and like to think I am along the lines of @LoHerrim with the balance between allowing freedom to explore but being diligent about enforcing the things we feel are important.

My mom raised me to be super independent and was not a helicopter parent at all when it came to letting me play freely, get dirty (and god forbid, scrape my knee once or twice), etc. and I am thankful for that. However we always ate together at meal times, manners and proper grammar have always been hugely important, and there was always a structured routine for chores and bedtime. I would like to think I'll parent similarly. Honestly, I am quite Type A so my challenge will be allowing flexibility with the scheduled/structured parts of each day, but as far as germs go, I think moms like the OP's friend are doing their kids a disservice by only letting their child experience a life that she's prepared, cleaned, and sanitized for him. How is that going to play out when they are an adult??

bumpuser9343355

I think I'll probably be like a 5.  I am so not a germophobe (I work with young teenagers, my whole day is spent in the presence of germs) and don't want my kid to be either.  I think since I am a FTM, I might hover a little more over this one than any others that may follow (I always think of those diaper commercials with the FTM and the STM...that will probably be me!).  In terms of discipline, I will most likely be fairly strict.  Manners and respect are big for me, especially since I see the effects of not having any on a daily basis.

flerlgirl

I'll be the devil's advocate here - I am similar to your friend right now because my son cannot get sick or bad things will happen. I hand sanitize like crazy, I wipe down everything, there is no flipping way he would touch a library book right now. I am a very laid-back mother in other regards. But if you went on a playdate with me you would see some serious crazy. So your friend might not be as crazy as you think she is; maybe her kid just needs some extra germ protection. 

To answer your actual question, I'll probably be around a 4 when DS is a little older and with this LO. 

PressLove

I'm a germ-phobe that's trying very hard not to pass this along to the LO.  When I'm with my nieces and nephews I encourage good hand washing, but I think hand sanitizer is grossly overused.  Life happens and kids get dirty.

@LoHerrim is on the right track.  Discipline and good manners are important to me.

Pepper6

I'm pretty much in the same boat as everyone else.  3-4 with germs/exploring, but a little stricter when it comes to discipline/manners.  I think a good balance between those two is what fosters independence.  

There are way too many young adults who absolutely cannot function without their parents doing stuff for them, it astounds me.  I have a friend who is my age (27) and still has him mom schedule and take him to doctor appointments, it's crazy.

ElTrain5

There are certain things that I am a 10 about... if I feel like LO is about to fall/get hurt I'm on them like white on rice.  Seriously, I will not be good about playground equipment, at least not at first.  But germs? I honestly don't even think about it.  I'll probably do a quick hand wipe before eating (if I remember) and that's about it.  Same thing with TV and playing and all that other stuff...it's probably more of a bi-product of the fact that I don't know enough about the "dangers" of absolutely everything my child may come in contact with to be worried about it.  But when they are older and going off to play at other people's houses, I will be that mom who wants to know who's there, what parent is home, and will probably drive by to make sure the appropriate parent's car is in the driveway.  I grew up with an over-protective cop as a parent, so that part is kind of ingrained in me. 

erind228

LoHerrim said:

Hmmm this is interesting. As far as exploring and sanitizing, I'm a 3. I let my kids do their own thing (always supervised). They get dirty, they play in the mud, they even eat things off the floor sometimes (that used to freak me out but sometimes you just can't stop them fast enough!)

But on a discipline level, I'm an 8. I am strict and very consistent with them. I enforce manners and respect (not fear, respect). They are well behaved in public and at home. Yes pleases and no thank yous. Yes ma'am and no sir. Excuse me and let me open the door for you, stranger.

They seem well adjusted and happy. I'm by no means perfect, but I hope to do them (and society) justice!

I didn't really talk about the discipline aspect, but manners and respect are really important to me so I make sure to reinforce that with my kids. I don't want you all to think I'm lax in that department. I just got on a soapbox about germs and forgot to mention that.

jc51206

We are decently laid back, but I am definitely more paranoid than hubs about some things and he more than me about other things.  I guess I'd rate us a 4 or 5, depending on the situation.  We feel that it's pretty important to let him learn and try things, and we even sometimes let him get mildly hurt to learn about certain choices (this is much harder for me than for my hubby to let happen). 

He plays in dirt pretty much constantly and we don't worry too much about messes--they can always be cleaned up.  He has had one stomach bug and one ear infection in his 3.5 years, but he isn't exposed to lots of kids more than once or twice a week at story time at our library (my hubby stays at home with him), so I can't necessarily contribute that to a great immune system because of any of my choices except breastfeeding him and feeding him healthy foods now. 

That said, he's not the most independent player and is pretty stubborn about some things (your comment about the sippy cup made me laugh remembering him refusing to feed himself), and we do support some of these behaviors by playing with him pretty much all the time (but I LOVE playing with him!). 

ElTrain5

Rachel5130 said:

@eltrain5 - My H is a police officer. Im bracing myself for that portion of parenting. Lol.

Oh boy, it'll be fun My dad was definitely a member of the "I've just seen too much" crowd. My sister and I were incredibly restricted until we turned 18. Now my sister is a probation officer that works with juveniles and sex-crimes stuff, so I'm assuming her daughter won't leave the house until 35. Everytime my DH tells stories about his carefree childhood (Like, "We used to just ride out bikes to the comic book store two towns over...") I'm like yeah... that isn't happening.

emandjp

STM here but it really depends. I let my daughter play, explore and get dirty but I do wipe down the area in front of her at the table when we are out. I clean her hands after we are done at Kindermusik, the park, gymnastics etc. but sometimes forget to before she eats. If it's a dangerous situation, I'm a 10...super protective but if she falls, I don't make a big deal out of it. Now that she's 18 months old I think I've relaxed a little.

chloephoebecali

I'm a little bit of it all, but not as bad as your friend. My kids have free reign in our house, but when we were out and they were younger, I like to keep close. It's not that I don't trust my kids, but it's some other kids (and their parents that don't pay attention). Dd has actually been smacked and kicked by a little boy at the library and clawed at our spray ground. I do like being nearby to correct their behavior if they do something wrong - pulling a bunch of age inappropriate books that can be damaged off the shelf at the library, etc. We do antibacterial after being out and we wash hands when we get home. I think there is nothing wrong with that when one cold can mean illness in our home for two months. It just cycles with no end and we end up missing out on school and play dates. I don't let my kids watch certain tv shows where there is fighting. But my kids are very independent. Ds drinks from a open cup, for a few months now, and both kids can wash and brush their teeth on their own. I give them room to learn from their mistakes, but in public I want them to have good behavior and respectful of where they are.

Jennylou0604

I'm a 3-4.  I like to let my son explore and want him to be independent at times.  He's a boy and I expect him to get dirty.  I don't get the whole germaphobe thing.  My friend is like that with her kids and they are ALWAYS in and out of the Children's Clinic b/c they're sick.

amackattack

I am in no way a germaphobe, and I'm proud of it.  I think H and I will give our kid a LOT of freedom in situations where we are comfortable, we want them to be exposed to a lot of different decisions, people, places, etc. My SIL has extremely independent and polite children, and I think this is mostly because they are given a lot of freedom and not a lot of intervention and also have a dad who is a great disciplinarian when needed. One thing I know is I definitely do not want my kids to be the kids who have every toy they could ever want, and always expect more. I do not want a house overrun with toys that are disrespected by kids who always want something new. It drives me bonkers when kids get some kind of toy or treat for not being horrible, or just to stop them from whining. I really hope I can find some way to teach our kid to respect and be thankful for what they have, and not to just acquire things for the sake of volume. 

Mowill59

I would say I'm between 3 and 5. I always let my son explore and getting messy is not a big deal to me. He plays outside all the time, in the mud etc. he is supervised but I let him do his own thing as long as he is not in danger. I'm not too concerned with germs.

ncbelle

I'm pretty loose - definitely not a germaphobe (although I'm not going to lie, I HATE when kids have snotty noses or food on their face after eating).  We have never done schedules - just go with the flow and follow their cues on when they need sleep, etc.  I mean I don't let them play in traffic , but I do let them explore on their own - honestly, I think it has made them more attentive to when I do ask for them to do something.

tbmadeamistake

I fall along the lower numbers exploring wise, but higher numbers behavior wise.  My children will learn boundries, but will also have the freedom to explore their world and get dirty.  I'm not a germ freak, I'm comfortable with bumps and bruises, and mistakes  happen.  Daycare has actually mentioned more than once that I'm the most laid back FTM they've ever met.  Yay for years of babysitting!

jshrop

On the same topic, I just saw this article on my FB feed. I thought it was interesting: thoughts?


https://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2564364/Rise-mothers-Changing-nappies-restaurants-Brazenly-promoting-little-darlings-CATHERINE-OSTLER-identifies-infuriating-new-breed-parent.html

jenn72178

LoHerrim said:

Hmmm this is interesting. As far as exploring and sanitizing, I'm a 3. I let my kids do their own thing (always supervised). They get dirty, they play in the mud, they even eat things off the floor sometimes (that used to freak me out but sometimes you just can't stop them fast enough!) But on a discipline level, I'm an 8. I am strict and very consistent with them. I enforce manners and respect (not fear, respect). They are well behaved in public and at home. Yes pleases and no thank yous. Yes ma'am and no sir. Excuse me and let me open the door for you, stranger. They seem well adjusted and happy. I'm by no means perfect, but I hope to do them (and society) justice!

@LoHerrim I hope and expect to be just like you - I like it!

nunzchucks

I think I'm like @LoHerrim. Frustration and falling down are how kids learn to do things for themselves and persevere in tough times. I'm a stickler for manners, tho.

jshrop

lizardbreath14 said:

@jshrop that article is SO spot on.  My sisters are this way with my nephews.  On Thanksgiving, one nephew started prying at the ears of this big porcelain statue my mother has in her corner. He's already broken it once, and my mother glued it.  He started doing it again.  I told him very nicely to stop.  My sister yelled at me!!!  She lets him run around and scream at my 87 year old grandfather's house, and boss my grandfather around and gets mad at us if we tell him to slow down, stop screaming, whatever.  I can't fucking handle it!  I will NEVER raise my child to be like that.  I am a FTM but I know this for sure --- I do NOT want giant brats that have an unrealstic view that the world revolves around them and that they are to value themselves over all others.

yep, exactly what I thought. Although my nephew is rambunctious for sure, my sister is very open to correction and he knows to respect the adults around him.

MrsP419

I am definitely the opposite of a germaphobe, probably to a fault.  I have every INTENTION of bringing hand sanitizer to certain places, but often forget.  I try to be more careful during flu season because I don't want to deal with that, but I am laid back about playgrounds and libraries and fast food places.  Potty training was rough (and still is); public restrooms gross me out, and no matter how hard I try, DD still ends up touching everything somehow.  I had to get over that and just get her to wash her hands well.

I am definitely stricter in discipline and respect.  I expect my kids to be friendly, listen, and obey, especially when it comes to safety and respect; if they don't, they have consequences.  They are supposed to say please, thank you, I'm sorry, etc.  They are certainly still crazy and laid back kids, but they have boundaries and schedules (not exact schedules, but basic ones).  It works for us.

crossfitkiwi

LoHerrim said:

Hmmm this is interesting. As far as exploring and sanitizing, I'm a 3. I let my kids do their own thing (always supervised). They get dirty, they play in the mud, they even eat things off the floor sometimes (that used to freak me out but sometimes you just can't stop them fast enough!) But on a discipline level, I'm an 8. I am strict and very consistent with them. I enforce manners and respect (not fear, respect). They are well behaved in public and at home. Yes pleases and no thank yous. Yes ma'am and no sir. Excuse me and let me open the door for you, stranger. They seem well adjusted and happy. I'm by no means perfect, but I hope to do them (and society) justice!

`This is how DH and I plan to be.

We both grew up spending a lot of time outdoors. Lots of climbing trees, building huts and skinned knees. I definitely want our kids to experience the same levels of freedom we did... but when it comes to things like manners, meal times and politeness I'm prepared to be quite strict.

I've read a few books on French parenting and am also interested in Montessori style learning too.

BrunoBabies

We know people like this friend of yours, to the point people aren't allowed to touch their kid because of germs, and he is ALWAYS sick. We are both pretty laid back with the germ factor, they need to build their immune system. We believe in independent play and ill direct my son to help him figure things out, but not to the point where I'm doing it for him. Once is usually enough of showing before he gets it on his own. We have rules (nap times, eating with the family, etc), and I'm the kind of parent to walk out of a restaurant if he has a meltdown, he needs to learn respect. But overall we are very active as a family and I feel that makes a huge difference. He's been out of the house since day 2 and rarely gets sick, and is usually very respectful of people and public places. Although, he is a kid and can be a wild maniac at home, and that's ok too.

mrs_drc_rn

I'm hoping I don't turn into that lady! As a nurse, I can get pretty germaphobe-y sometimes. DH is the complete opposite, so I hope we'll end up with a nice balance of at least washing hands after we go to the bathroom, before we eat, etc. Our son will definitely have the freedom to explore and get dirty, but probably with a little supervision. Like PPs have said, when it comes to manners and behavior, my numbers will go up. I think having structure and family is good for children. We've also discussed discipline, and not wanting to really yell at our kids but rather speaking to them on their level and reasoning with them.

babybean82

Good discussion! 

I used to side eye SIL because I always thought she was way over protective of her kids and I used to swear I would never be like that.... Now I worry I might end up on the over protective side so I try not to judge her as much for that. I do still judge her lack of discipline though cause her kids are spoiled brats that are handed treats every time they throw a tantrum.... I will never do that.

As far as the germ thing goes I WANT to not be overly crazy about it because I know kids need to be exposed to some dirt and germs to build an immune system, but on the other hand I have a lot of weird germ phobias myself so I can see it getting worse with a baby around. Hopefully DH will help balance me out some lol he doesn't care about germs at all.