Trying to avoid CIO — The Bump
Attachment Parenting

Trying to avoid CIO

I am starting to get very frustrated. We bedshare with our LO. When I come home from work, our routine has always been to go back to the bed, eat, and go to sleep (I get home at her bedtime). Once she had eaten for about 20 minutes and fallen asleep, I could get up and leave the room, no problem, and maybe two or three hours later she would wake up for another feed. The past couple months, when I get up, she wakes up almost immediately. I've tried timing when I get up to make sure she is very deep asleep, but even when I get up during that time, I maybe get a max of ten minutes, if I am luckily. I've been kind of just accepting it and either taking her with me when I am trying to do something or just going to bed with her instead of trying to get back up. But it is starting to become a problem, and my DH is getting frustrated too. Any suggestions? He wants to just let her cry if she wakes up after I get up but I am not okay with that.
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Re: Trying to avoid CIO

  • How old is she?  The No Cry Sleep Solution is a good read if you want a book "solution."

    It may be that she is just missing you if she isn't getting to see you before bedtime - a form of reverse cycling.
  • edited February 2014
    She is almost nine months. 39 weeks I think. Do you think it is something she will grow out of? I'm basically either working or breastfeeding it seems.
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  • 9 months is prime separation anxiety time. It WILL get better. When she wakes and cries for you and you go to her quickly, assuring her that you're there for her, she will move past this phase more quickly because of your reassurance.

    Leaving her to cry would reinforce the idea that once you're out of the room, she's on her own, which would be very scary for her...especially while she's in the separation anxiety phase. It may also make her anxiety worse or make the phase last longer.

    I am not a fan of the No Cry Sleep Solution, but I know that it does work for some moms, so you may want to give it a read. My suggestion would be to just continue what you're doing: go to her when she wakes, comfort and reassure her of your nearby presence, but get back up when she goes back to sleep. She WILL start to sleep longer stretches for you, and the more reassured she feels, the faster she'll fall back deeply asleep. :)
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    [Deleted User]
  • ClaryPax said:

    Yes separation anxiety it pretty high at that age.  I was thinking maybe she fell asleep with you there and woke up without you is causing her concern.  So maybe if you break the nurse to sleep habit and try to get her to fall asleep on her own then if she wakes up on her own she won't be scared because you disappeared.  Also if she relies on nursing to get to sleep then she will nurse all through the night every time there is a change in her sleep cycle.  I understand nursing to sleep is completely normal and really how it should be for babies, but at 9 months she may be ready for something else like nursing, then rocking, then being put down drowsy but awake.  

    My concern is that trying to teach independent sleep or falling asleep independently at this stage would only make the separation anxiety worse, and that it would be better for her DD to see that she is right there and will come to her quickly when she wakes instead.

    Also, since mama doesn't get home until about bedtime, nursing as much then as she can is a great way to reconnect and maintain their bond. I wouldn't recommend breaking the nurse-to-sleep association at this time, nor would I recommend any sort of night-weaning for a 9month old either.
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    [Deleted User]
  • 9 months thing! We went through it too! Dd is 2 1/2 now and it is a roller coaster bed sharing. She all of a sudden is doing it again, being clingy and singing "Mommy Baby!" All the time. I think it is her molars- but it is always something and it never lasts. Personally I think keeping her in bed and not taking her with you would be best as she won't learn after hour partying- when this phase passes she'll still be used to staying in bed and the expectation will be consistent. Good luck!
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  • I don't have a whole lot of time before work, but I get at least an hour with her before I go. I work from 9:00 am to 5:30 pm, but with the drive it is more like 8:00/8:30 to 6:00/6:30. She goes to bed between 6:30 and 7:00, and gets up around 7 am.

    Yeah, I was kind of worried about taking her around with me. I've always had her stay in bed once she is officially in bed. Lately that has been thrown off some by teething, but I try to keep her out of the bed as little as possible. If I take her out with me, she is either extremely fussy, or wakes up a lot.

    I am okay with her nursing through the night once I'm in bed. We bedshare and honestly I barely notice when she is eating because we are both half asleep during the process. I think she does use the nursing to reconnect. Sometime my DH has literally just fed her and she will still act like she is starving and get very upset if we don't go nurse. She has started becoming attached to one of her toys and wants to take it to bed, so I'm hoping maybe this may start easing the anxiety. It makes sense to me that her over-awareness of me not being in bed is related to separation anxiety. She was a little better last night but I didn't do anything different so I'm not sure why sometimes it is worse.

    I think I might try letting her go to bed a little awake without nursing, but if it doesnt seem to be working I will just try to grin and bear it. How long should I give any "sleep training" before I decide it isn't working?
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  • It passes--and you'll get a little time back to yourself.  Some nights it's 15 minutes, other nights it's a few hours.  It's really frustrating, but I promise it doesn't last!
    kristinyoung111
  • It passes--and you'll get a little time back to yourself.  Some nights it's 15 minutes, other nights it's a few hours.  It's really frustrating, but I promise it doesn't last!


    Exactly this. Right around 9-10 months time was the worst. I would just load up my iPad with books and catch up on work emails on the laptop in bed. I know it's so, so tough when you're in the thick of it, but it does get better and we didn't do any sort of sleep training.

    kristinyoung111
  • @Emerald27 - what!  You just blew/read my mind with the quote/photo above.  DD is little Ms. Separation Anxiety these days and I had no idea that there was a Pantley book out for that.  It went IMMEDIATELY onto my Kindle and will edge out the "Emotional Life of the Toddler" that I'm currently reading.  Too. Many. Parenting. Books :).
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    URMySunshine77Emerald27[Deleted User]
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