DH issue - Is this passive aggressive of me (long, sorry)?
*sparky*
member
DH's job keeps him out of the house much of the week. I work PT so I have picked up the lion's share of household responsibilities. However, there is only so much I can do on my own, so some things slide. DH's job has also been pretty stressful lately, and with him, that stress level bleeds over to his personal life. During the week, he may get home by 7:30, sometimes he stays OOT, but when he does get home he is exhausted and spends maybe 30 minutes with DS and then pretty much puts his feet up and chills out. I am ok with this because I know a lot of times he is just completely wiped out.
But here is the issue, then on the weekends when DH is around, he starts realizing that things aren't perfect around the house and he gets annoyed. Sometimes it is that the floors are dirty, sometimes it is clutter, etc. He is a very neat person and used to help keep things very neat but now he just doesn't. And when he realizes it, it irritates him. He says that he does not expect me to do everything, but at the same time, he is not doing much and still getting annoyed about it.
I explained that even though I am working PT, I have picked up a lot of the just day-to-day stuff and it just eats up a lot of time. The days that I do work I am out of the house from 7:30 - 5:30. I am also 6 months PG. So in the evenings I don't necessarily feel like vacuuming, decluttering, etc. I am wiped out. DH kept saying he just didn't get why we didn't have more time and he got irritated with me suggesting that during the week he does not do much, so a lot of it will just fall to the weekends.
So I started keeping a list of things to do on the kitchen counter. It is just an ongoing list of things that need to be done that I normally just keep in my head and do as I am able. I just started this Monday and now I am already on page 2. And I am not writing down things like make dinner, load the D/W, etc. that I just do every day. I am talking about things like: call the plumber, get the dog's medicine, fiull out forms for XYZ, etc.
It seems to be helping. DH will actually see things on the list and do them. And now when I do one of these things he was griping about - like cleaning the floors - he says "I didn't mean for you to have to do more during the week." But I am not sure how he thought the issue would be resolved if we didn't start doing more during the week.
I feel like this is a little passive aggressive because the list is not really for me - it is for DH to see everything that gets done without him ever having to even think about it. And it is getting him to help more during the week than he was, which is a bonus. I should add that on the weekends, he is more than helpful with laundry, grocery shopping, etc. He just also has these bouts of irritation that have really been getting on my nerves.
SO WDYT? Is this passive aggressive or a good way to go about this? Anything else you would suggest doing with this issue? In a few months we will have a 2nd child, so the list will be even bigger....
Re: DH issue - Is this passive aggressive of me (long, sorry)?
As you divide chores, make sure you don't take on too much in the evening. You are growing a human 24/7. You need your rest. Is a cleaning service an option?
And it's working- he's really SEEING everything you do and he's starting to pitch in.
But yes, what he needs to realize is that if stuff is bothering him about the state of the house, the answer actually IS that more needs to be done during the week. This stuff won't magically just happen on it's own.
HOWEVER - in a down moment, talk to him about his irritations. When he voices them, is he really saying he's upset with YOU personally that this stuff isn't done, or is he just talking outloud?
I know I do that sometimes. I'll walk into a room and see something (let's say a sink full of dishes) and I'll make some comment about it. It's NOT that I'm upset that DH didn't do it. I'm just annoyed that I forgot about them and am realizing that they need to be done and the magic dish elves didn't come and do them. It's seriously NO judgement on my DH at all.
So- I think the list is a great idea, but also be careful that you aren't reading more into his comments than is actually there.
I think the list is a great idea. It gets it out of your head and visible, so that if he's irritated about the state of the house he knows exactly what needs to get done. Bonus points for seeing how long that list is when he starts thinking that you have all this spare time on your hands when he's away or working long hours. I agree that you're growing a person and need your rest. A cleaning service would be a great help if that's an option.
And I get that he is working long days and there will be nights he doesn't feel like doing anything. However, he cannot do NOTHING Monday-Friday and not expect things to pile up. Having a young child and being 6 months pregnant is exhausting. It's okay for him to mention what needs to be done around the house as long as he is simply stating a fact and not taking a shot at you.
He says he does not expect me to do everything, but then he will also make comments like "I thought when you went PT things were going to get better". But what he doesn't see is that they did get better for him because he used to do more around the house than he does now. He also says he needs to chill when he gets home because otherwise his head will explode. Again, I don't mind if that is the case, but then he needs to realize that things will pile up and not get mad about it. It just gets old being in this same cycle week after week.
And overall our house really is pretty neat. There are never dishes in the sink, DS puts his shoes away when we come in, it really looks pretty good. But DH is really a neat freak and can also get easily annoyed by the smallest things. And I admittedly slack on actually cleaning between the housekeepers coming to clean. We could definitely do better there, but I can't do everything on my own.
This is exactly what I find annoying about the situation. He knows he is not doing anything to help, but he is still getting annoyed when things aren't done. I don't mind him saying "wow, these floors are really dirty -- let's clean them today". But he gets pissy about it, and then starts griping about the house being a total mess, etc. and it just snowballs.
I will keep up with the list but also talk to him about it. I do think he was just somewhat oblivious and honestly if he didn't complain I would not even care. But the bitching has got to stop.
I think the list is a fabulous idea. That being said if it were me I would do the list and also be telling him what's what. Like this:
"Look, I get that when you get home from work, you're tired and you don't feel like doing anything. Me neither. Even on days I don't work, I am exhausted from taking care of DS and cleaning up after him and XYZ all day. I pretty much have mentally decided that most of this stuff needs to get done on the weekends and I'll have to live with that if I want to take it easy at night. You need to do the same, or you need to help out when you get home from work. I feel as though your gripes about the house being cluttered, etc. are basically directed at me, since you come home and relax and then complain when things aren't done. Obviously you aren't doing them or planning on doing them, and you're upset that they're not done, so the implication I get from that is that you want me to do them. I am busy and tired too. I deserve a break too. So you either need to contribute more to get the desired outcome, which is a cleaner house, etc. or you need to keep your thoughts to yourself, because I don't need to be made to feel like I'm doing something wrong by not vacuuming, decluttering, etc. at the end of a long day."
I do think you should keep doing the list but I do think it is sort of the passive way of dealing with things, if that makes sense. Like I think it will help but I don't think it will solve the problem because you're not addressing what's bothering you, you're just trying to find a way to work around it. GL to you!
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
1) I don't think you are being passive aggressive at all. Especially, if your DH has responded positively.
2) I am a huge fan of lists and putting things on paper. With your current situation and adding a baby in a few months I would try to find an hour and have a discussion with DH about what is currently working/not working (for both of you), what items will be added to the list when baby arrives? what does the entire list of chores and responsibilities include? (we include task, frequency, who's responsible) and what is the best way to divide it between the two of you.
3) Then ask yourself if it is realistically possible for each person to meet their "household workload". If not, you need to agree to lower standards (maybe lower frequency of some items, or maybe accepting that more things will have to wait until the weekend) or maybe consider outsourcing/hiring help/more help.
Honestly, I am the one in my relationship that has higher standards about what needs to happen. And I do see it as more my responsibility to address and try and find solutions for what is irritating/annoying me. I think it is great that you are trying to fins a solution that will help the situation, but I think your DH needs to pull some weight too in developing a system or solution that will reduce his stress and irritation.
@Peanut2929 - That wording is really perfect. I have tried to verbalize that to DH but I need to do it at a time that he is not griping and I am not annoyed so it comes across as well as you did. It comes down to the fact that I am still working, although less than him, and that he does not get a free pass to do nothing during the week if he still wants things kept up te way he likes them.
Thank you!
I guess I'm a little confused. He's upset that not enough is getting done and then is upset when you do some of the things on the list? How about you both talk about the list, agree that it is for both of you because you're a team and you should each be doing those things as your time and energy permit. Or, if that is all too much up in the air, why not take three minutes each night to review the list and each of you pick out the one or two top things you think you can get done the next day?
Your house sounds way neater/cleaner than mine ;-)
Kelly, Mom to Christopher Shannon 9.27.06, Catherine Quinn 2.24.09, Trey Barton lost on 12.28.09, Therese Barton lost on 6.10.10, Joseph Sullivan 7.23.11, and our latest, Victoria Maren 11.15.12
Secondary infertility success with IVF, then two losses, one at 14 weeks and one at 10 weeks, then success with IUI and then just pure, crazy luck. Expecting our fifth in May as the result of a FET.
This Cluttered Life
Hmm, I don't see a problem. Lists are a sanity saver in my marriage. We're a bit opposite from you in that my DH doesn't see/doesn't care about chores that need to be done (Honestly, I believe him when he says he doesn't realize where the messes are).
So every weekend I write him a "honey do" list. And he completes it willingly and happily. He just needs to be told what to do.
MMC 3.30.16
BFP #1 6/28/11 ~ EDD 3/7/12 ~ m/c 7/15/11 at 6w2d
BFP #2 8/29/11 ~ EDD 5/12/12. 4/25/12: Our take home baby is here!
BFP #3 8/27/13 ~ EDD 5/11/14. 4/27/14: Our second take home baby is here!
To try to explain, he gets upset when things aren't done. He does not seem to mind the list but then when he sees how much I am doing, I think now he feels bad that he has added more to the list. But he doesn't get mad at me for doing things on the list.
My question is around whether this is a passive aggressive way to deal with the issue because the list is not as innocent as it may seem at face value - I am actually using it to make a point.
You have all really helped me a lot and given some good points. DH is better in the mornings as far as talking about household stuff, so I think I will try talking to him about a few things in the morning before we start our day rather than at night. A lot of time at night he really doesn't feel like dealing with anything and if I start hitting him with lists he will have a panic attack.
BUT two points past that:
- even with just one kid, the fact of having a child - you simply don't always get down time. It sucks, but it's a reality of being a parent.
- kid #2 is going to greatly alter the balance in your house. Sounds like HE needs to really start thinking about that. Don't know your routine w/ kid #1, but when there is a baby, it will be divide and conquer. He's going ot have to be much more "on" than he is now.
@PrivacyWanted - My DH will definitely do that too. He will rip apart the office and start refiling and shredding documents when meanwhile there is a huge pile of laundry to be folded. I do like the whiteboard idea w/today vs. long-term lists.
@CTGirl30 - that is good advice and I will definitely use that.
@VOR & @Virgo17 - That was part of our discussion - that I really don't get any downtime either. I come home and go right into parent duty and by the time that is over I am ready to crash. He gets very sensitive when I point that out to him but he knows that it is correct. I think he is seeing it now more that I have been putting things on paper for him. Also, I agree that kid #2 will make this even more strained, so we do need to get a handle on this now.
Your post made me LOL, esp. the bolded part. I basically said to him "if they are bothering you then just clean them, but without griping." and that was when he started going on about how he thought things would get better when I was working PT and he doesn't understand how I am so busy during the week, blah, blah, blah. Which was what drove me to my passive aggressive list making.
DS does have some chores but they are pretty minor - he feeds the dog and his fish, he picks up his messes and his laundry, he makes the bed and he takes out the trash. He used to get the mail, but people fly down our street and I don't like him going out there alone. I need to add dusting or something to his list that he could easily do.
I did suggest to DH that we make a weekly schedule of what needs to be done and split it up but he was very resistant. I am not sure exactly why, but I think he doesn't want to feel like he has to come home to an assigned list of chores. It stresses him out more. I think he really does want all of this to just magically happen somehow, but then when he sees me doing everything he feels bad.
Like I said our house really is clean - I swear if you saw it you would seriously wonder why my DH is bitching at all. He always says that when we go to other people's houses they are immaculate, but I have to remind him that (a) a lot of times it's really not and (b) what he is usually seeing is a house that has been cleaned up for company.
I think we are making progress and I will continue doing what I am doing for now.
Your motivation to start the list may have been based in passive-aggressiveness, but it seems to be working. Honestly, some people are visual! SEEING it may be what finally make it all click in his head. Don't 2nd guess yourself. It's working. It's making a point.