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Is a complete wreck... Need some support/advice...
I view myself as an extremely independent person, but I need some thoughts and prayers sent my way... advice, something. My "SO" is away overseas and he's just expressed to me that he is having second thoughts about us. This is completely out of the blue, no idea where this came from and it's hit me like a ton of bricks. He "says" he still wants to be there for our daugher just not sure about me anymore. Never in my life did I want to deal with custody agreements, but it's sound like we may have that in our future. I'm just hoping that this will pass somehow. We are not offically engaged, but I'm just so blindsided. He was just talking about engagement last week (although I am not suppose to know about that). He says he's stressed and has a lot of thinking to do over there and is thinking we rushed this and doesn't know if he wants to be with me anymore. Someone.... help me through this. I'm a wreck, but I'm doing what's best for my daughter and I at this point in time.
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Re: Is a complete wreck... Need some support/advice...
Deployments are hard even for stable, happily married couples, never mind when you don't have a solid foundation together and are expecting your first LO all at the same time. During my DH's first deployment, we were just engaged when he left, and we spent months vacillating about things as we each dealt differently with the stress of how our lives had changed and being apart and wondering if we were still going to be able to make it work. We got married on R&R, but once he got home for good, we spent the first six months fighting like cats and dogs and thinking we'd made a mistake : P Today we have an amazing relationship as the result of a LOT of hard work and realizing that most of our issues at the time stemmed from deployment separation and stress and not because we weren't right for each other. So you have a lot of room to grow from this, but it can be very challenging.
But mostly I guess what I'm trying to say is that a deployment, or an engagement, or a new baby each are a really big life transition, so to do them all at once is a massive undertaking and perhaps why your SO is getting cold feet. Hopefully he will feel differently with a little time and thought, and when he gets to hold his new baby and see you as the mother of his child
In the meantime, I'm sorry you were blindsided with the news... not fun to hear ever, but especially not when you're five months pregnant and going through it all alone. I hope you guys can keep a good line of communication open and work through this together. Good luck!
Don't go haywire on him... just say "Okay," on the phone and let him have some room to breathe. Deployments are very stressful, and depending on his job, could be much more so. Keep your emotions to yourself, and if he hasn't made any choices within the next 2 months, start gearing up to settle custody matters.
I'm sorry you're going through this; but think of it this way- if he was talking about engagement just last week, then this isn't easy for him, either.
Thanks all!!
I am really hoping he has some more time to think when he calms down. I'm just so frustrated. I'm obviously at home: faithful (as sick as it is I've had the people who wouldn't mind getting with a preggo woman... Made me barf in my mouth ughh), taking care of some of his bills, taking care of his dog, being with his family and staying close with them. I know that probably sounds so petty and stupid, but I'm just so upset. His excuse is that peolple change their feelings. His family is NOT happy about this. He has discussed with his mother as well she's an emotional wreck as well. I am not telling many of my friends nor my father just incase this is to blow over. I talked to one of his friends about this last night and he was as shocked as I was. His exact response was wtf is this a joke?? He let me in on a little secret that my SO was talking to him about who his best man is going to be and telling his friend when he plans on proposing. His friend said he sounded so happy that he had plans and was going somewhere with them. His mom said something similar that he was looking at rings and was talking about venues....etc. So I'm really not suppose to admit to knowing a thing, but gosh if that just happened last week, what the heck?? Both added to just keep doing what I'm doing, remain there for him as they don't think it's over. I mean from what he was saying he was talking like it already was and that scares me.
I'm hoping this IS really just stress and something pulls inside of him. Just sooo speechless and blindsided.
I wouldn't make any decisions one way or the other until the deployment is over. Maybe make an agreement that you'll both communicate with one another, especially since you have a child on the way. He needs support because I can guarantee he's stressed, exhausted and concerned about becoming a father. It's crappy timing but at least he's being open with you. You need support because you're carrying his child and will be taking care of her by yourself (I assume) until he returns home from deployment.
If you need a professional to talk to contact Military One Source or speak with your OB about getting a referral to a mental health professional.
Thanks!!
This is my first time dealing with deployment.... would this sound like stress to you ladies? He's not only pushing me away, but also his mother. I'd say we are the two closest to him. And with him flipping so soon (on the engagement talk), I think it's just cold feet, frustration, fear, feeling like everything is all happening at once on top of the stress he has to deal with there, etc. Or would you guys really think he's thinking it's over? He had said he wouldn't make a decision there that he doesn't know how he would feel or if he would feel this way back at home because he's not home.... He did explain to me bits and pieces of what he was dealing with there, b!t(#ing because I had no idea what he was dealing with.
I'm kinda bummed to hear about the engagement talk too... Everyone knows how much it means to me to be surprised and not know a damn thing, but I was so hard on myself that his brothers girlfriend told me he'd been talking rings with her for over 2 months and just last week he had said, "I think she's the one, made my mind up I'm gonna do it. I just need to talk with her dad when I get home and I'll buy the ring when I'm back in town, I just need to think of a good cover to tell her where I'm going (meaning me)." Then his mom came out and said a few things as well as his best friend like I had mentioned. I guess I'm happy the told me considering the fact that I thought it had everything to do with me.
Mine did the same when he was in Iraq last year....it last the last 4-5 months of his deployment and scared the crap out of me. However as soon as he came home, he stated he didnt know what he was thinking. We got married recently.
I think it's just something the deployment does to them. Ask him to hold off making any decisions until he comes home and you can have a face to face conversation