Postpartum OCD (long)

SLWoody

Hi, I am struggling right now and need some help. I will start my story from the beginning: In September 2012 I gave birth to a beautiful, healthy daughter. Although I had to be induced because I developed cholestasis, the labor and delivery was pretty "normal" (if there is　such a thing). I love my daughter and even though I was tired those first few months, I was very happy. In February 2013, I was watching "Homeland" late in the evening while my husband and daughter were sleeping. I know it sounds weird, but the episode was very exciting and had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. Towards the end I started feeling nauseated and thought it was because the show was so suspenseful. I went to lay down in bed and had a "vision". Vision is a strong word, but I don't know how else to say it. It was not a picture, it was a moving vision. I was NOT asleep, it was not a dream. This vision showed me hurting my daughter and my husband. It was and is the scariest thing I have ever seen. This was followed by extreme anxiety and fear that in the middle of the night I would like split off into different personalities and actually cause them harm. I didn't know what to do. I thought that if I went to sleep I would be better the next day. I tried to wedge myself under my husband so that I wouldn't be able to get up while asleep and harm my baby. The next day we went shopping, and I confided to my husband what had happened. He didn't get it. He said "I worry about her getting hurt too". I wanted to scream YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME. But it wasn't his fault. My anxiety was building and building. I called my Aunt to come over. I told her what was going on, and she was much more understanding (though I still do not think understanding completely). We called my OB, and they said - postpartum depression - here's some anxiety meds and anti depressants and come in tomorrow. So, that night I barely slept, still worrying about harming my daughter. the next day, my aunt took me to the doctor. The first thing they told me was they were going to test my thyroid. Then they said - this is normal, this happens to a lot of people, you will be OK, here's a psychiatrists number. I got home and tried to lay down. My blood felt like it was boiling. I was really losing it. In the meantime I was afraid to even touch my beautiful daughter. When I told my aunt I was scared to give　my baby　a bath it was like it finally clicked to someone besides me how serious this was. We decided to go to the emergency room, and I knew before I went what would happen. They admitted me to an inpatient mental health facility connected to the hospital. I was there for a week. They too said I had postpartum depression. I read what I could on it, and nothing fit. I didn't have feelings of resentment toward my daughter, feel like I wanted to hurt myself, or feel depressed AT ALL (I know those are just a few of the many symptoms someone could have).　The symptoms didn't fit me, but I figured they would know since they were the professionals. 　During　the first couple of days I was in the facility　I was afraid to even look at pictures of my daughter. The pills they put me on (an antipsychotic and an antidepressant/antianxiety) finally started to kick in, and I was looking forward to going home. I also found out that the blood tests revealed that my thyroid level was 90.　 There is no decimal in there. 90.　 The normal TSH level ends at 4. So they put me on thyroid medicine also. After I came home, things went on as they had before. I still sometimes had thoughts, not of me hurting my daughter, but of violence happening to my family. After my extremely unhelpful psychiatrist decided she was leaving the practice, I found someone new. I saw him for the first time in May, and I as I started telling him what happened, he immediately said that I was misdiagnosed. He said that postpartum OCD is not very well known. As he printed off some reading for me, it fit my symptoms exactly. It was such a relief to know what really was wrong and what really happened. He took me off of the antipsychotic and left me on the antianxiety medication. 　 In November 2013 I decided to get off of the medicine because I wanted to try to conceive again. I am about five weeks pregnant today. This month, the obsessive thoughts have come back. I am constantly having thoughts of my family and myself　being hurt, very violently. At this point, I don't think that the postpartum factor is in play. I am wondering if I have OCD. I just called my psychiatrist's office to make an appointment. I really am just wondering if anyone else has been diagnosed with postpartum OCD and how it progressed.

captmerricka

YES!  I have OCD which was triggered by post partum.  I can relate to so many things in your story.  I also was hospitalized and they said I had bipolar and post partum (SO NOT THE CASE) They also put me on lithium and seroquel, which I found out last week when I went to an OCD specialist that these are not the right meds for me.  Which was crappy because I've been on them 2 1/2 years.  I've started to read Imp of the Mind which is a book on OCD for "bad thoughts"  there is a lot of great information in there, which with OCD sometimes you ask the question Well, how can i be sure i wont do this?"  There is a section on there on women who have thoughts like this too and it touches on a lot of the things.  You should pick it up, start reading, see an OCD specialist and know that you aren't alone!  I promise you.  I've had a really hard time lately, probably becuase I was on my period, whih those times seem to be the worst.  I am here if you ever want to talk.  I would love to have someone else that has OCD to share stories with and be there for comfort because I know, this does suck, but it get's better.

SLWoody

I think I read your intro post at the same time you were reading mine. I have sat crying in relief. Not that I would wish this on anyone, but it is unbelievably unburdening to know that someone else has felt like this. Since I was misdiagnosed by three different doctors who didn't even seem to know about PP OCD I have felt completely alone. My husband still does not understand the severity of what happened. "I knew you were never going to hurt the baby". I DIDN'T know that. He still doesn't get it. I am happy that you are here.

captmerricka

I have said the exact same thing.  Being so relieved that others go through this, but I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  I remember the first time I went on a post partum forum blog, about 1 year after my daughter was born.  I felt so much relief knowing that I am not the only person out of 6  billion people that go through this.  I still have a lot to work on and learn.  Right now Im dealing with the, well I'm diagnosed with OCD but how do i know/they know I'm really not deep down a psychopath.  It's been hard.  But something I read in Imp of the Mind (I suggest you pick it up) and also something my doctor told me is that you've spent all this time worrying about hurting your child, if you were going to do something, you already would have.  Thats what makes OCD different.  You stress and worry and feel guilt and people that hurt others/their children whatever, they don't do any of those things.  You should pick up the book I suggested, read a little and maybe have your husband read about the section on mother's thinking thoughts on hurting their children.  It's more common than you would think and I think it provides a good explanation.  I was so ashamed to tell my husband in fear he would divorce me and take my daughter away and I would be in state mental institution, but that was not the case.  He was loving and supportive and still is.  It is so nice to be able to connect with someone who has PP OCD.