Feeling disconnected from SD since DS was born

briepileggi

I have noticed that my 9yo SD has been more emotionally distant from me since I gave birth to my first bio child. I try to keep things even, involve and compliment her, and spend quality time with just her, but it hurts my feelings and has lead to me feeling more distant toward her as well. I feel terrible about it and am not sure what to do. She talks all night with her dad and they play games and read, while she has little interest in me. This never used to be the case. We were always close. Seeing this happen has been hard and makes me want to withdraw even more. :-(

joshsmandy

I would just keep at it with her, she will come back around. Just keep letting her know she is important to you and that you love her. Good luck

Ilumine

She is 9 and you are at least 18.  Would you feel a distance from your own biological child if this were not a blended situation?  Because guess what, your SD's distancing and jealousy is the norm for any singleton child getting a new sibling.  

And let us be 100% honest with each other. There is NO WAY that you are keeping everything equal between an 8-9yo and a newborn to 2 yo baby.  It is not logistically possible. 

That alone, is enough to turn an 8 yo away.  Knowing that you are knee and elbow deep in feedings and diaper changings and consoling screaming baby is enough to turn a normal 8-9 yo away from the situation.  Who wants to be around for that?  

And when she pulls back from that, YOU emotionally pulled back from her.  And you can bet that she feels and knows it.  Because if YOU recognize that your distancing from her is not based on the stressful life of raising a baby (something that is totally normal, not knocking you for it), then she has as well.  

Which has just perpetuated the cycle.  

You, as the adult, need to fake it to make it through this.  You have to keep including her, keep spending very very very clear one-on-one time (as in you designate at least 30 min a day where you only focus on her and you do not run if the baby makes even a peep). And you have to be honest with her about raising this baby.  Let her know that it is hard work and that she really isn't going to get equal time (because when you pretend nothing has changed but it has you look like a hypocrite and kids pick up on that too and resent the lie).  

I do not say this as a blended family, but as the oldest child of a family of three.  My mother screwed up like this with my younger sister (I was five when my Sis was born).  She did the same things you are doing.  I pulled back from Mom just like your SD.  I resented my sister, not just because of the sibling rivalry of it, but because Mom wasn't upfront about it all.  By the time my brother came along, she learned her lesson.  It was a much easier transition for me and for my Sis.  

Wahoo

Take some time away from the baby.  Even if you are bf'ing, you can hand the baby over to your H and spend some special "big girl time" with your SD.  Get manis (or go to the store and buy a $1 nail polish and paint her toes), go and get hot chocolate, go to McDonald's and let her play on the jungle gym there and while you have a coffee, or just head to the library and pick out books to read to her.  Tell her how much you enjoy time with your "big girl."  Don't do any baby-related chores (shopping for diapers, buying things for the baby).

Sometimes it takes a little extra effort, especially when the baby is napping and it is your chance to get a few more minutes of sleep, but please try.  It will make a huge difference!

 

Lavender P

I think @Wahoo have some great suggestions. My SS and DS are 9 years apart. SS was great when DS was born but I still had to make sure to make time for him just like if he was my bio-child. I work full time and bused DS for a year. I felt like when I wasn't at work he was stuck to my boob and I had no free time. When my DS was sleeping all I wanted to do was nap or do something for myself. I had to force myself to think of SS first and play with him. We played games of Stratego even when I felt like I couldn't even barely function. It is not like I think of it as a chore to spend time with him but when a kid is older (bio or step) it can be easy to think they will entertain themselves and don't need you. He may not even remember it now, but I know that it is important for him to know that even though things changed with the birth of DS, he is still a priority to me. Now that DS is slightly older, 19 months, SS, DH and I will do big kid activities and leaves DS with a babysitter so we can focus just on SS.