Quick intro and question..........New baby and older children.

Cambury108

I have a 12 yr old DD and an 8 yr old DS.........We just welcomed DD #2 4.5 weeks ago and she completes the family as were now done.

I have always leaned towards attachment parenting since DD#1 was a tiny infant, back then before I had the internet I didn't know what it was called I just went off my gut instincts. I do not hold all the practices of AP but I would say most and I identify mostly with AP as my "style" of parenting. Now here is my question or rather my plea for advice if you will. 

DD#1 being 12 is very much wanting to help with the new baby (its so cute) BUT her father and I have both agreed to not let her do to much with DD#2 as we don't want her feeling like she MUST do things for the baby. She asks to hold her often and I let her but when it comes to letting her change diapers or give the supplement bottle here and there I feel hesitant about that. I was the oldest of 4 and I was DD#1 age when two of my siblings came around and I ended up resenting them much of their childhood because my mother forced me to do things for them constantly so I am sure this is where I am having the issues. So after my long rambling post my question I guess is HOW much is appropriate for DD#1 to do on her own for DD#2. I want her to feel involved with the baby but not like its HER baby or that she HAS to do these things if that makes sense. For the record we have no issues with DS....He shows little interest in the baby he likes her but I think she turned out not as fun as he was thinking she would be  

Thanks ladies. 

Emerald27

If she shows interest, I'd start by letting her help with those tasks, but not take them on entirely. I.e. DD1 doesn't change the diapers, but she can hand you wipes, bring you the clean diaper, and throw away the dirty one. She can help choose DD2's outfits and can help YOU complete those tasks...so that they're something you do together.

I'm sure she's looking for ways to bond with her sister, and this is an awesome opportunity for her to learn about babies and to witness the bond between a mother and baby. You can show her how mothers love their babies and tell her as you rock/nurse/change/etc. DD2, how you used to do this with her (DD1). Remind her too of how special she is; after all, she is the baby who made you a mommy!

As far as feeding baby goes, different mothers take different positions on this issue, so you'll have to decide what works best in your family. I am big on feeding in the first 6 months or so being a mother-baby only, bonding thing, so I would have no problem letting DD1 know that feeding babies their milk is something mommys do. You could show her how to gently burp baby or ask her to bring you a glass of water or a blanket to cover you and DD2, if she wants to help and you're looking for ways to get her involved.

Cambury108

Thanks so much for your reply. I think over 1/2 of my issue is I remember how I felt when I was her age and my sister and then two years later my brother were brought home. My mom (we have sever issues even today) never let me choose what to do with them, she more like forced me and I felt lots of resentment and like they were my babies and I had to take care of them, she left me really no choice. I just don't want my child to feel that way. I know she is asking to do these tasks but I don't want it to backfire and then later her have memories of changing diapers or what-not and thinking she was made to do this. If that makes sense? As for the feeding thing....Sadly we have to supplement with formula 1-2x a day and DD#2 does not like to take the bottle from me so its normally DH who does that or any family or friend who might be over visiting if its time. We supplement because when DD#2 was born she lost quite a bit of weight and had sever jaundice and this was our pediatricians recommendation. DD#2 is 90% breastfed and I am OK with that. So I see why she is asking to feed the supplement bottle I just don't know how I feel about that happening right now. I am going to take your suggestions on the clothes and other things. Tomorrow since there is no school in our district I will let DD#1 pick out the outfit and help get her ready for the day. I think the 3 of us can bond over that. 

Emerald27

Your pediatrician may have mentioned this, but have you considered supplementing with your own milk instead of formula? If you're pumping when she takes her bottle in order to help establish your supply, you could always give her the milk you pump.

Jaundice can be scary! ::Hugs:: If you're not living in a cold area, sunlight is a fantastic help for jaundice.

I figured that helping with tasks instead of being in charge of them might eliminate (at least somewhat) the worry of her feeling like she is being charged with parenting duties.

Good luck and congratulations on the new addition to your family!

Cambury108

I do pump.....but that is a whole other issue I have.......When I do get anything to actually pump out we do give DD#2 that. I have a appointment Friday with a breastfeeding lady to try and help with the pumping issues. 

She is gaining weight SO slowly that is why the pediatrician is having us supplement with formula. She has enough wet and dirty diapers.She only gets 2-4oz of formula in a 24hr period its enough to keep her going forward instead of back or stagnant.I want to give her as little formula as possible. We live in Nebraska so sadly VERY cold  

Yes that makes perfect sense about her helping with the task and not having the whole task on her hands.  Your wise, Thanks so much for your advice!!!

Emerald27

It is SO great that you've found breastfeeding/pumping support! That's so helpful and will be a great encouragement to you.

I have been there with the weight scares and I understand how hard that is. DS was born at 5lbs 1oz and lost down to 4lbs 7oz (though his initial weight was probably incorrect because I had been induced and received LOTS of fluids during labor), so we were also instructed to supplement. He was jaundiced too, and wore a biliblanket for a week!

I was told to supplement with formula and was pumping and dumping my milk, because somehow I didn't understand that I could just supplement with my own milk. I was so upset when I found out that I could have been giving him my milk, because I had wanted to EBF. Why hadn't my pedi suggested that I do that FIRST?! Anyway, that's why I mentioned it to you.

DS has always been little; he's just a little guy. He's 6th percentile, but completely happy and healthy. His (new) pedi says she thinks he will be average height at least, but that he'll probably do most of his growing up during puberty. I don't know and don't really care as long as he's a healthy guy!

As for pumping: keep in mind that pump output is often not a good indicator of supply. Pumping is far less efficient than baby at removing milk from the breast. Also, the bottles/bags that come with your pump are deceptively huge. Average yield per session is 1-2 oz.

There are certain techniques you can use to help increase your pumping output too. First, make sure you're not turning the pump up too high. It should be comfortable to you (think of sucking so hard on a straw that it compresses and no soda can come through...don't turn the pump up too high!). Also, massaging your breasts before you pump, and doing breast compressions before and while you pump...all things I'm sure you'll hear from your breastfeeding support person.

As for weight gain: many mothers find that nursing every 2 hours and as often in between as baby likes, and lots of skin-to-skin contact, helps baby's weight increase appropriately.

Best of luck!

ETA: One more pumping tip I just thought of! The gentle/quick suck function of the pump is usually better at stimulating letdown than the long sucks, so many moms find that using that function gets them a better yield.

Cambury108

I am so sorry you were throwing out your pumped milk, That is so sad! UGH I would be frustrated as all get out.

I give her whatever I pump even if its just 1/2 ounce or less. Sometimes its more....often not and that is from both breasts. I save it in the fridge till she gets a formula bottle and then just dump it in on top. At least in my mind its extra breast milk she is getting.

 I know that I have enough supply when she breastfeeds but for some reason me and the pump do NOT get along. I have tried every trick in the book for the last 2.5 weeks since I got my pump and I swear the thing hates me. I can sit and hand express milk out of my nipple so I know that there is stuff in there plus I have all the other signs from LO....suck/swallow and the wet/poopy diapers plus after she nurses off of me she goes 2-3 hours between feedings so I would assume if she was starving she would be screaming and not content.

Our pediatrician said at her weight appointment this coming Thursday if she is back to birth weight or higher I can discontinue the formula if I choose and I am 99% I will be doing so because its of no value to me once she is back to birth weight. 

She is the smallest of my 3 babies......Not only weight wise but also bone structure wise if that makes sense, she is very petite and just a tiny little thing! She was born at 7lbs 6oz so pretty average weight for an American baby but by my own births SMALL but she lost down all the way to 6lbs 11oz the bad part was her jaundice was so bad and she has gained the weight back SO slowly. She will be 5 weeks old on Tuesday and when we went last Thursday for a weight check she was only at 7lbs 4.5oz so still a tiny bit shy of her birth weight. She has another weight check this coming Thursday and I am 99.9% sure we will be above birth weight finally and able to throw out the formula. Fingers crossed. She came pretty close to needing the billi-blanket as well. Her number got up to 13.9 and she was as orange as a carrot. She was so lethargic during that time as well and she nursed very poorly. I am playing catch up with my supply now and anytime she starts to even root around I put her to the breast. Sometimes she will nurse for only a few minutes and other times she will nurse for up to 45mins. I just go off of her cues and try and keep her 100% happy. Thanks for all your advice and support!!!!!

  

Oh and my pump does not have this function you speak of the gentle/quick suck function. I looked at the pump and I read over the manual. Its the one my insurance provided to me for free and honestly.....I think it kind of sucks and not in a good way. UGH!!! 

Emerald27

I'm surprised your pump doesn't have that. Does it start out with a short, fast sucking and then change to a long one, or is it all the same? Maybe your pump is low quality. Is it a double electric? You might want to try a manual.

FX for a good weigh-in!!! Let us know!

Cambury108

@Emerald27.....Its all the same sucking unless you change the knob yourself. With my insurance I am sure its a lower quality one. It is a double electric yes.......I thought about trying a manual or renting a hospital grade one but wasn't sure about the difference that would make for my output. The pump I have is a Medela and it says its #9207010. It has low,medium and high for the vacuum level and an off and on switch......Its pretty generic.