Toddler Adoption

davidandheather

We have a 3 year old little girl, almost 4 in just 2 weeks. She has been with us since mid November. This is a foster to adopt case. Bless her heart, she has been in many homes in her short life. Everytime one (attempted kinship placements) failed, she was sent back to the same foster mom. Now that parents have lost rights, we are moving forward with adoption. The foster mom did not want to adopt. Things were going well and then last week that foster mom happened to call during nap time to check on her. Little lady was not asleep and got up to see who was on the phone and said hi to her. Since then, things have not been the same. She can't go to sleep. We lay her down at 8 and she twists and turns and kicks her legs to try and keep herself awake. We do the whole routine -hot bath, story, rocking, soft music, lights. I even sit in the room with her to help her stay calm. But it is often 10 before she falls asleep. She is fussy and cries loudly and  often. If she falls just a little, or her favorite cartoon is not on, or she gets in trouble,  -the waterworks are ferocious and dramatic and each time she is screaming " i want mommy, hold me mommy." She is referring to me becasue she points to me and I ask her to be sure.

Then, she started preschool yesterday. Two days a week, half days. Today has been the hardest yet. When I ask her to do something, she just looks at me and sticks her tongue out and says something mean.  Then stares hoping for a reaction. This morning, she made her fingers into a gun and pointed them at me and said 'pow.'  She also grabbed her 2 year old brother by the back of the shirt and threw him against the wall. It was horrible to see that coming from a tiny little girl.

It hurts and it does make me angry. I have not shown her that. She does have to take a break and 'think it over.' Our version of time out, but where she can see us. I don't want to send her to a room alone based on her history.  Then the waterworks start again and the I want mommy. I want mommy screams. It feels manipulative. I hold her, tell her to breathe, practice breathing with her. I tell her there is nothing she can do to make me stop loving her and tell her I will always love her. I tell her I do not love the behavior. We talk about how to make it right and have a re-do practice.

I think this is a big mix of just being a toddler and testing, but also of just feeling so out of control and scared and anxious and worried she'll have to leave this house and this mommy and these toys too. The last kinship placement was so mad that it failed they returned her with nothing but the clothes on her back, not her blanket since she was a baby, no toys, no photos, no clothes, nothing. That was just in September. I feel like in her little mind she is so worried about that happening again because that is all she knows. That has been her entire life. She has been here long enough to really like it and really love her adoptive parents and grandparents too.

I am trying to be patient and love her through this. I think there needs to be a healthy mix of loving her through this and also some meaningful consequences for some of this ridiculous behavior. I am trying to give her as many choices as possible to help her feel in control of something. My favorite books have been Love and Logic and Connected Child. I start a Connected Child class tonight. Boy will that be helpful. I am just feeling discouraged today. I think I need to get a behaviour chart on the wall. Maybe that will help. Maybe this is just her grieving process and I need to be more patient. I won't tolerate her hurting her brother though or the disrespect and gun motions.

Patience is a virtue. I need some more today and a hug. I think I feel like her all of a sudden just thinking it all through.

Chele

Aww, sending you a virtual *hug*. I cannot speak from experience as we are waiting for a placement, but everything you said sounds like what they talked to us about in our classes. Children have a lot of anger and are fearful that this placement won't last so they test your boundaries. They push you away in order to see if you're really going to keep them no matter how bad they are or what they do.    during a very trying time in 

It sounds like you are doing the right things, though, in my limited experience.

msditz00

I have no advice, but wanted to say good luck!  We fostered a relative's 2.5 year old for 6 months and it was HARD.  She had many not so desirable behaviors, and she and our 2.5 year old son had a field day teaching each other how to misbehave! 

Vent away, many of us have been through similar experiences.

plus12012

Are there any attachment/counseling programs available for her or your whole family? As much as we all wish love was enough to heel the trauma that little ones go through while in the foster care system it can be something a professional needs to help with.

It sounds like you are doing a great job. I wish you all the best!

beachy6

A worker we spoke to recommended the book, The Connected Child, by Karyn Purvis. I highly recommend it to you. It has real solutions and reasons for why your daughter may be acting out and how you can help her work through it. Best of luck to you!

sisibelle

We are foster- adopting a 3 year old boy and have the same problem after sibling visits. We participate with Parent Child Interaction Therapy and that has helped. You might want to monitor the calls with the previous foster mother as I have had friends who had issues with some of the things the foster parents were saying to the children.

davidandheather

Thanks everyone! Karyn Purvis is my hero. I love her book and in a class based on the TBRI Connected model now at my church. Little Lady has her developmental appointment with the pschy in mid Feb so I'll address these concerns with the doctor then. I think so much of the issues has been the change of routine recently with starting school and pure fatigue.