Ways to make DH feel more involved

rascus15

This pregnancy has been a difficult one and has been tough on the both of us.  DH told me that he feel disconnected to the baby and pregnancy.  I have talked to several male friends who said they felt the same way when their babies were born.  DH has been to all of the OB appointments and u/s.  Baby does not cooperate for him to feel movement.  My question is, what do you ladies do to help your DH feel connected?

CaraH

Honestly, I think our first time it was pretty surreal for my husband until I was in labor. Maybe even unil he saw her. His focus and concern was more on me, even though he was excited about the baby. But, he was instantly smitten and could not be a more engaged Dad. I don't have any real advice. I just wanted to say I think what your husband is feeling is not terribly uncommon, but the reality of the baby changes all that instantly. Interestingly, he is already engaged for baby #2.

Beachgal72

My DH is really pouring himself into getting her room ready. We have an older house and have re-done nearly every room in it but this room is getting extra special attention and he won't let me help because he doesn't want to expose me to any chemicals or dust, etc. It is really cute seeing his focus and intent on making his daughter's room perfect. I think most men are task-oriented, so it helps to give them things to do. Now DH knows he will be coming to some classes with me, which will give him some hands-on practice which I think will also help him feel involved. I also bought him his own "Diaper Dude" diaper bag and some surfer-themed burp cloths so he has his own, more "manly" diaper bag. I think a lot of it is helping the man visualize life with baby but men need more tangible ways to help picture it.

rascus15

Thank you everyone for the input.  He is very task oriented.  We are about to start the nursery and I think you are right beachgal, that will help.  I do think what he is feeling is normal, but I just hate him feeling that way.  He said he kind of feels excluded and like I am the only one having a baby.  I almost feel guilty when I talk about the baby moving.  We are registering for baby stuff this weekend, so hopefully that will help too

QOTR

I agree with the men being task oriented.  My husband is reading through the Baby Bargains book and researching all the products online.  He'll probably be making the majority of registry selections for us!   

jbelle

I'm sorry your DH is feeling this way. I think you've gotten great advice. I do want to add that I think it would be good to ask him what would help him feel more included or less excluded? Give him a chance to articulate what would help him. Not only would you have an idea of how to make him feel better about things, but just being heard can be incredibly cathartic.

I also wonder if it might help to focus on the relationship between the two of you? Perhaps he feels a bit "left behind" since you're naturally going to have more of a "connection" to the baby--it's inside you, it's hard to forget it's there! Almost like if you were hanging out with a friend a lot, make sure to spend time focusing on the relationship between the two of you. 

Best wishes!

CaraH

Oh jbelle, that is great advice! My husband insisted on couples activities when I was pregnant and then really made sure we had non-baby time in the first few weeks after our daughter was born, even if it was sitting on the couch alone watching The Daily Show. I could easily have lost track of the two of us in the midst of becoming the three of us. And while he's not so deliberate about it 3 years later, it really set a positive tone for our parenting, with the two of us as a team in the center of our family. With the fatigue and nausea of this new pregnancy combined with the realities of parenting my daughter, I've just been crawling in bed with a book as soon as I get her to bed at night. Tonight I'm going to make a cup of ginger tea and sit down on the couch with him instead.

2redtulips

CaraH said:

Oh jbelle, that is great advice! My husband insisted on couples activities when I was pregnant and then really made sure we had non-baby time in the first few weeks after our daughter was born, even if it was sitting on the couch alone watching The Daily Show.

 And while he's not so deliberate about it 3 years later, it really set a positive tone for our parenting, with the two of us as a team in the center of our family.  

@CaraH - I love this. I am going to try to do that with my DH as well. I think he's already missing me a bit because I am more tired than usual and not as chatty. It will take a conscious effort to maintain a couple connection, but I think it is so important. 

rascus15

You ladies were so right about preparing the nursery!  He cleared out the room on Saturday and has started to redo the walls.  He has done plastering and new trim and is getting it all ready to paint.  He is going nursery/baby crazy now   When he is trying to decide how to do something he tries to pick the best possible way to do it.  He says "Our baby is coming home to this room so I want it to be the best it can be"  We have been discussing the layout of the room and he has been considering what will make baby most comfortable and as baby gets older what he/she might want.  As I type this I hear him whistling and singing along to the radio as he works on the room.  He is no longer talking about the baby as some far off future event, but a member of the family that will be here soon.  Even asking my belly for opinions

oriphiel

This is old but I just wanted to add something if no one has.  After so many losses (7) my DH had started not emotionally investing and I guess didnt know how to get out of it.  I asked him one weekend to go to Babies are us and I had him pick out the outfit we would put on DD for the first time. That night he said, "Now it feels real." He smiled, I choked up.