More on Birthday Parties...

EgoCommaAlter

My son turns 3 next month (sniff). Last year was his first year being in daycare and thus, having a party that wasn't just family.  He invited 3 kids from his "class".

Both years, whether at home (1st birthday) or at a chuck e cheese type setting (2nd birthday), we've had the issue with having to hunt people down for RSVP's, as well as people bringing extra guests. We understand and budget for moms to come, and I specifically told one of the moms to bring her other son (a year older than mine). But I'm talking extra teenage children, extra adults (former daycare employee was brought along by a guest without asking me, so she could "help corral the kids"). With the extra food for adults, our party cost doubled.

I'm wondering who else has run into that, and how I might word the invitations better this year so that we avoid a billion random, univited guests (hint: his first birthday was at our house, and we ran into the same issue). With my kids getting older and going on 2 years in this area with no friends, I really want to get to know some of the other moms and especially the parents of my son's friends.  Again, at 3, I prefer/expect to have one parent there and wouldn't exclude a close-in-age sibling. I just don't want an entourage.

PS - I'm in South Florida, which may be part of - or the entire - issue. 

mommymegan831

I think it's very common that many parents don't RSVP, I would just expect those children not to come.  Some people are not interested in socializing and don't care to be polite about it.  We've never done a party out yet, is it possible to order the food once everyone is there?  We might do a party this year out and I thought I'd just order pizza once everyone is there.

I've seen many kids bring 2 parents to a party, and I don't think for only children that would be unusual.  I think it's rude to bring an extra kid, which is why I do the parties (I like to socialize) and DH stays home with the other kid.  Again, not everyone cares if they're rude or has someone to watch the other kid.  I don't think there is a polite way to put 1 child and 1 adult only.  If you're going to do a friend party you just have to budget the extra food and expense.  You might have some luck with a drop off party, but I think 3 is a little young for that

jf198400

I don't really have any advice, people Not RSVPing is always an issue. I basically assume that means that they are Not coming, but then add 2 to my total b/c there usually is someone who decides at the last minute that they are coming.

For DDs 3rd bday we had it at a park so number didn't really matter too much and I put "siblings welcome" on the invite and "indicate number attending at RSVP". I would expect most kids to come with 1 parent, but wouldn't mind if someone came with both parents. Bringing other random adults is totally odd though and quite rude. I can't imagine why anyone would bring teenagers to a young child's bday party, if they are not related to you, super weird.

PSU_Texan

Unfortunately, people are either clueless or rude which leads to these issues.  I recommend addressing the invitation to the child only or child plus sibling if you are inviting that sibling.  Then if they RSVP for more than the invited, you just kindly go back and say, sorry space is limited to only the child invited.

A few things to keep in mind, I would be careful cherry-picking siblings.  I recommend either saying on the invitations "Siblings Welcome" or just don't invite them.  Also, I don't think you can control if one or two parents comes.  If you invite siblings, it's likely both parents will come to help manage their kids.  If you don't invite siblings, then you will get only one parent attending as the other will be staying home with the uninvited siblings.

As to having to track down RSVPs, go with evite or something similar.  Or if you like sending paper (which I do), just send an email if people have not responded.  It's not rude to get them to respond especially if you are at a venue that needs a headcount.  They are rude to not respond.. I always feel like people who delay are waiting to see if they get a better offer.

ss+el

I would never bring the whole family to a kids' birthday party unless we were invited as a family. For DS' 4th birthday, we were limited to 20 people total, so I invited each kid and "a parent" and it worked out great.

FemShep

I much prefer receiving e-vites to kid birthday parties.  They're WAY easier to RSVP to, and I also appreciate the reminder to RSVP.  

As a PP has said, since we have our primary family time during the weekends, it simply wouldn't have occurred to me that both parents aren't invited to most parties.  And, in perhaps a faux pas, we also brought DD2, at 12 weeks, to a kid's party to which DD1 was invited.  Since she didn't add anything to the party cost, it never occurred to me to ask the hostess.  DD1 was invited to a party where only one parent was invited (fancy hotel lunch), and the evite specified 1 adult only.  I wasn't at all offended.

Now that DD2 is older and a crazy toddler, I would only bring her if she was explicitly invited or I asked the host ahead of time.  However, DD1 is now 8, and "drop-off" parties are more the norm, which makes things easier as well.

EgoCommaAlter

Oh h*ll no I wouldn't want a drop-off party for 3 year olds.  I certainly wouldn't let my child attend one! 

The sibling last year was cherry-picked under some mitigating circumstances; it's not something I'd do again this year. (Different school).And come to think of it, all the kids came from two parent homes, but no dads came. I'm fine with the dads coming, but have had it happen that extended family will bring along extra adults, like neighbors, relatives of theirs that are no relation to us, etc without asking.  (To be fair not rude in their culture AFAIK, but uncomfortable for me).

 I  have just been so frustrated in general with socializing here - this is a city where newcomers are mostly given the cold shoulder, while apparently being expected to bend over backward to be giving and hospitable to everyone else. 

EgoCommaAlter

Also, I don't have any emails or phone numbers. 

emberlee3

Sounds like you just need to plan on extra people and budget accordingly.  You could schedule the party mid-afternoon so it doesn't require serving a meal, just cake and drinks. 

I emailed people to remind them to RSVP a few days before DS's party.  I don't necessarily think people are being rude.  I assume they are probably busy, disorganized, or forgetful.

*sparky*

emberlee3 said:

Sounds like you just need to plan on extra people and budget accordingly.  You could schedule the party mid-afternoon so it doesn't require serving a meal, just cake and drinks. 

I emailed people to remind them to RSVP a few days before DS's party.  I don't necessarily think people are being rude.  I assume they are probably busy, disorganized, or forgetful.

Sorry, but I have to agree with this.  It sounds like you are dealing with inviting people you don't know all that well and unfortunately people's etiquette and common sense is all over the place these days, so you have no idea what the "norm" is for some of your guests.

Since your kids don't have a core group of friends yet, I would just plan on extras coming and don't serve a meal if it's not in the budget.  Once they get a little older and you know who their friends are it will get a bit easier.

VOR

It kind of amazes me that this is an issue.  In my area, there is never an issue. The invited child comes with one parent.  If there are siblings, they are usually at home with the other parent.

Everyone respects that b-day parties can be expensive and that there is often a limit on how many people can be invited (if having it at some party location).

I don't get the "weekends are family time" as an excuse.  It's not MY job to arrange for YOUR family time.  If that means you can't take 2 hours out of your life to take your child to a party for one of their friends, then so be it.  But eventually, as your kid gets older, they are going to push against that. At 2 or 3, they don't know the difference, but eventually they will.  And if you're declining parties because "oh- it's our family time" and your kid knows they missed the party - they may be upset.

And heck- every kids party I've been to, it's such a "scene" that 1- I really never see DS because he's off with his friends, and 2 - IF DH is there (because we were both invited), we're both usually hanging out/ talking to other people.  We're not hanging out "as a family".

OP - unfortunately, I don't know what the solution is, though.  The only thing I can think of is to put a note in the invitation saying "Due to having a limit on how many guests we can have, we need to ask that those attending are limited to the invited child and one parent.".  Which I'm sure will rub some people the wrong way.  But.... it is an option.

itsmevkb

VOR said:

It kind of amazes me that this is an issue.  In my area, there is never an issue. The invited child comes with one parent.  If there are siblings, they are usually at home with the other parent.

Everyone respects that b-day parties can be expensive and that there is often a limit on how many people can be invited (if having it at some party location).

I don't get the "weekends are family time" as an excuse.  It's not MY job to arrange for YOUR family time.  If that means you can't take 2 hours out of your life to take your child to a party for one of their friends, then so be it.  But eventually, as your kid gets older, they are going to push against that. At 2 or 3, they don't know the difference, but eventually they will.  And if you're declining parties because "oh- it's our family time" and your kid knows they missed the party - they may be upset.

And heck- every kids party I've been to, it's such a "scene" that 1- I really never see DS because he's off with his friends, and 2 - IF DH is there (because we were both invited), we're both usually hanging out/ talking to other people.  We're not hanging out "as a family".

OP - unfortunately, I don't know what the solution is, though.  The only thing I can think of is to put a note in the invitation saying "Due to having a limit on how many guests we can have, we need to ask that those attending are limited to the invited child and one parent.".  Which I'm sure will rub some people the wrong way.  But.... it is an option.

Amen to the family time rant.

michaelaskedlauren

Wow. That is pretty crazy that people would ask random friends and neighbors to come.

As PP said, if you are doing paper invites address the invitation to only those children that are invited. I feel like at 3 it is a given the one or both parents will attend. Just assume ahead of time that both will be there so you can budget accordingly.

I honestly dont know what to suggest about all the additional "hangers on" coming as well. Maybe put a note on the invite as PP suggested tactfully informing people that they cant have the entire village come to the party with them - or just do something post lunchtime and get a big old sheet cake.

Good luck!

EgoCommaAlter

michaelaskedlauren said:

Wow. That is pretty crazy that people would ask random friends and neighbors to come.

To be fair, while it's strange and uncomfortable for me, it seems to be the norm in my husband's family's culture. And also people are more likely to bring food, and try to "help" set up/clean up, than they are in the US. 

Still wish people would let me know WHO is coming though. And it's one thing for an inlaw to do it, and a different thing for a kid's classmate's parent to do it.

iverske9

I honestly have not extended it to friends just yet as my family is huge. I would just curtail inviting "friends" since they are so young as long as possible, LOL

Mustardseed2007

Evites do let you indicate the number of people attending, so that might at least help with a head count. (I also prefer paper invites but the evites are seemingly becoming more and more common and the reminders are really nice)

Also, the first kids party I went to, I went by myself and was actually really surprised to find I was the only parent who came alone - everyone else had both parents attend. I guess it just wasn't my natural inclination to think that it was a couples/family event. After that I've told my H he needs to come to all of them just so I won't be the only mom on her own.

And now that I think of it, we are dealing with DS's 2nd birthday right now and 1 family asked if they could bring their daughter also, who is 4 (in addition to their son who is my son's age). I didn't think that was a big deal at all since they asked and I already know we'll have extra space. It sure is nice to have that notice though.