What should I do? (Vent)

Tylynngrace

Backstory: before becoming pregnant I was told I couldn't have kids because of my anorexia and bulimia but a somehow still became pregnant. My SIL (16) has anorexia as well and was told today that her liver is eating itself.

So tonight at dinner my MIL was trying to scare my SIL into eating by saying "you don't want to have the same thing happen to you that happened to tylynn, you know that's why she had Ashton so early. She hurt her body so it hurt her back" like what the actual fuck? She was there when I asked my Dr if that was why I had him so early and he said no. And the worst part is she's said stuff like this before and thinks it's okay. Well this time I told H cause I didn't know what to do so he talked to her and she then texted me in a group message with him apologizing to me. I feel like she only apologized to me to make sure he knew she did. Now my H is mad cause I won't text her back. My question is how can I talk to her to get her to understand that she can't just say whatever she wants to me? And how would you handle the situation?

PreDempsey

I don't have any real good advice but I'm sorry she said that because it's so hurtful. I understand trying to scare your SIL and hoping she'll stop hurting herself but it doesn't have to come at your expense. I also agree that a group message wasn't the best way to apologize and when you're ready I'd be sure to address that with your other concerns.

eta: Huge typo! the group message was not appropriate. 

brideandbreve

Oh, @tylynngrace, I'm so sorry your MIL did this. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt.

The only advice I have is that maybe you and your MIL should sit down face to face and you should explain to her exactly how hurtful these comments are. For one thing, what happened in your past should not be continuously brought up in context to shame your SIL. On a bigger note, insinuating that your son was born early because of something you did years ago is downright cruel. I can't imagine the anguish moms feel having preemies because it's in us instinctively to feel responsible for every failure, every shortcoming, and every problem that might arise in our child. I'm sure you've wrestled with those thoughts, worrying about whether you could have done something differently, because it's only natural for you to do so. The fact that she had the nerve and was so insensitive to say what she did is almost unforgivable.

Again, I'm so sorry she thought it was appropriate to say things like that.

blue_elle

I'm so sorry Tylynn, what a hurtful thing to say. I would also be really annoyed to get an apology basically CC'd to someone else, since it just makes it obvious it isn't sincere.

Tylynngrace

brideandbreve said:

Oh, @tylynngrace, I'm so sorry your MIL did this. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt.

The only advice I have is that maybe you and your MIL should sit down face to face and you should explain to her exactly how hurtful these comments are. For one thing, what happened in your past should not be continuously brought up in context to shame your SIL. On a bigger note, insinuating that your son was born early because of something you did years ago is downright cruel. I can't imagine the anguish moms feel having preemies because it's in us instinctively to feel responsible for every failure, every shortcoming, and every problem that might arise in our child. I'm sure you've wrestled with those thoughts, worrying about whether you could have done something differently, because it's only natural for you to do so. The fact that she had the nerve and was so insensitive to say what she did is almost unforgivable.

Again, I'm so sorry she thought it was appropriate to say things like that.

Thanks I'm definitely going to try talking to her but I really have to try not to get emotional, that'll just make it worse. I think it really hurts me because she knows how horrible and guilty I feel and she still said it.

Tylynngrace

blue_elle said:

I'm so sorry Tylynn, what a hurtful thing to say. I would also be really annoyed to get an apology basically CC'd to someone else, since it just makes it obvious it isn't sincere.

I feel like her apology was just for attention. Like she only said it so he'd leave her alone

jldubb0626

I'm a tell it like it is person. First, I wouldn't accept a text apology for such a shitty thing. That was a huge cop out on her part. Second, you need to sit down with her and tell her how it is. You won't be treated that way and using you to "help" your SIL is not okay. And third, your DH needs to be on your side. I understand him wanting to keep the peace, but with those types of comments he needs to support you 100%. *hugs* I hope you can get things settled.

peanutmuse

Why the hell is a grown woman apologizing via text? That's my question.

Tylynngrace

@jldubb0626 I'm usually very tell it like it is but they make it really hard. They exiled their other son and his wife because she didn't want to be around them and eventually made their son not want to be around them either. I don't want them to think I'm the same way ya jnow

Tylynngrace

peanutmuse said:

Why the hell is a grown woman apologizing via text? That's my question.

My question exactly.

megngregk

jldubb0626 said:

I'm a tell it like it is person. First, I wouldn't accept a text apology for such a shitty thing. That was a huge cop out on her part. Second, you need to sit down with her and tell her how it is. You won't be treated that way and using you to "help" your SIL is not okay. And third, your DH needs to be on your side. I understand him wanting to keep the peace, but with those types of comments he needs to support you 100%. *hugs* I hope you can get things settled.

Exactly all of this. YH needs to be seriously pissed for you, not AT you, because his mother is attacking you and acting as if you had anything to do with Ashton being early is a horrible thing for her to do. He needs to be defending his wife. The fact that she sent a group text (and really, a text? No.) shows just how insincere the apology is. She needs to woman up and apologize to your face. I'm so sorry she said something like that. 

RedSaffron

I want to give you a big hug with everything you went through. I would tell her straight up that you appreciate the apology, but in the future, you don't want that topic and blaming you for Ashton to come up again. If she really wants to help your SIL, she should be a parent and seek professional help instead of a low blow tactic like that. And YH shouldnt be upset that you don't want to text her back. He should be upset that she gave you a txt msg apology vs a face to face.

LabPupLuv

Tylynngrace said:

I think it really hurts me because she knows how horrible and guilty I feel and she still said it.

This is what really gets me about this. She knew how you felt and she knew that wasn't why your son was born early. If she was trying to make it up to scare SIL into her senses, she could have said it when you weren't around since she should know how it would make you feel. Still shouldn't say that even then tho... And if she still believes that is the case after hearing your doctor say the two weren't related then she's an idiot. I'm so sorry. She's a total bitch.

megs12914

I'm so sorry she did that to you. I think her apologizing in a group text was completely inappropriate. She should have called.

Tylynngrace

Thanks ladies! it makes me feel so much better knowing it wasn't just my hormones making me so upset.

BABYROSEJEANS17

Tylynngrace, I'm so very sorry you have to deal with this.  While I've never personally dealt with an ED, one of my very good friends still struggles with it.  I may sound harsh but it's only because I went thought this with my friend for over a year, but you do not and should not feel bad about not texting her back to acknowledge her crappy apology!!

First of all, your MIL has no right to say the things she said or making you or your son as an example to your SIL in order to scare her into eating. That is the most hurtful thing anyone can say!  Besides, scare tactics do not work for people struggling with ED. Like the PP said, your MIL owes you a personal apology not one via group text message. If you do decide to sit down with her to talk to her about your ED and how her comments affect you, my advice is not to have high expectations.  My friend had to have several conversations not only with her own Mom, but a coworker that we also consider our "other Mom."  It came to a point where she had to stand up for herself and set her boundaries, not just for herself, but also setting an example for her daughter to show her that her feelings do matter.  I've found that people of older generations do not understand EDs because they think EDs aren't a real disease and it's simply attention seeking. And no matter how many times you talk to them they just don't get it.

I hope that however you decide to handle your MIL you do it for yourself and no one else.  Also, I hope that your SIL continues to seek help for her ED and she overcomes this. Good luck to you both!

bee1916

I am so sorry you're going through this. An ED is something a person struggles with for a very, very long time and it is NOT something that needs to be brought up as a reason for a "consequence"- especially in the case of your son! She should be a support to you for your son, for your ED and for your SIL. Hopefully she apologizes to you in a meaningful way and finds another way to help your SIL without bringing you or your LO into the mix.

Arrgcr

That bitch. Ooo. What the hell was she thinking? And why did she think it was ok? And a text? Grow up. As for your husband, e should be behind you 200% on this.

She needs to find another way to scare your SIL.

Totally inexcusable.

HappyDoc

I am in shock that she had the nerve to say that, and then that she thought it was appropriate to send you an "apology" in a group text. I hope that you can get to a place where you feel comfortable talking to her about how inappropriate her behavior was and how it impacted you, but I think that it needs to be on your terms, when you are ready.

OSUWifey09

You are a strong woman for sitting through that and not saying anything at that moment. I probably would have actually said "What in the actual fuck?" out loud when she said that. Your hormones aren't to blame for being so upset; what she said was totally out of line. I have no better advice to offer than what everyone else said; she owes you an apology to your face, and your H shouldn't be upset because you didn't text her back. I'm so sorry you have to deal with all that. Ugh.

daltosostarby

I'm so sorry that you are going through this with your MIL. What she said was unacceptable, and should never have been said. I do hope that your H comes around and supports you more, and that your SIL is able to get help for her ED. ((Hugs)).

[Deleted User]

I swear mil are put on earth to test our sanity! I'm sorry she said that, it was not appropriate and she should have called/apologized in person.

last14real

Some people have no filter and no concept of how hurtful their words are. I'm sorry that you are having to deal with that kind of insensitivity during an already rough time:(

BlissfulBlessed

brideandbreve said:

Oh, @tylynngrace, I'm so sorry your MIL did this. I can't imagine how much that must have hurt.

The only advice I have is that maybe you and your MIL should sit down face to face and you should explain to her exactly how hurtful these comments are. For one thing, what happened in your past should not be continuously brought up in context to shame your SIL. On a bigger note, insinuating that your son was born early because of something you did years ago is downright cruel. I can't imagine the anguish moms feel having preemies because it's in us instinctively to feel responsible for every failure, every shortcoming, and every problem that might arise in our child. I'm sure you've wrestled with those thoughts, worrying about whether you could have done something differently, because it's only natural for you to do so. The fact that she had the nerve and was so insensitive to say what she did is almost unforgivable.

Again, I'm so sorry she thought it was appropriate to say things like that.

I completely agree with this...

jldubb0626 said:

I'm a tell it like it is person. First, I wouldn't accept a text apology for such a shitty thing. That was a huge cop out on her part. Second, you need to sit down with her and tell her how it is. You won't be treated that way and using you to "help" your SIL is not okay. And third, your DH needs to be on your side. I understand him wanting to keep the peace, but with those types of comments he needs to support you 100%. *hugs* I hope you can get things settled.

and this.

I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this. :-(