Legal Advice for Leaving SO

bullybutt

I know there are several legal guru's on this board, but I dont know if any of you specialize in family/domestic law.  I am meeting with an attorney the day after Christmas.  I am going to leave SO.  I want to make sure that I get the most out of my consulation and ensure that she is the best to represent me. What questions do I need to come prepared with?  I plan on letting her know my situation and that I want sole custody of DS.  SO is on the birth certificate and DS has his last name.  There is prior history of abuse (a P.O.) and current verbal/emotional abuse. We are only tied together with our mortgage/deed but file taxes seperately.  My credit is tied to that house and I am not able to get a home of my own until that has changed. I know this is a lot of info (and not enough) but what should I be sure to inquire about regarding my rights and how to leave/obtain custody?

MommyAtty

If you haven't already, Google the lawyer and see if there are any client reviews. Then read the actual reviews, don't just look at the rating. You want someone who will be responsive when you have questions. (Ask how long it takes her to answer emails and phone messages.) This is a scary process, so you want someone who makes you feel comfortable and heard. Also, someone with experience, so ask how many cases she has handled, how she envisions handling the case (you need her to be able to explain the process to you), and how much it will cost. I'm not a family lawyer by any means. Not even close. But I've seen enough family members and friends go through this to know that odds are that you won't get sole custody. My paralegal is going thru a custody fight bc she wanted sole custody, and she's being drug through hell. So don't turn down an otherwise good lawyer bc she gives you an honest assessment and says you prob won't be sole custodian. Ask her if she's willing to fight for it, though,if it's important to you.

ss265

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I haven't been through this myself but my parents are divorced and one thing you want to consider is if you have money in joint bank accounts. If you do, I would withdraw whatever share is yours before you file anything so that he doesn't have a chance to clean out any bank accounts. Also think about alternative accommodation for you and your LO - if he is abusive, there is no telling what he will do once you go down this path and if possible, you should try and stay in a separate location. Just tell yourself that things are going to get ugly and you need to prepare for the worst.

Also, are you pregnant? I would ask about options for getting custody of your unborn child as well.

jess9802

I'm a lawyer but not in domestic relations, so I don't really have legal advice to offer. I would ask your attorney how often she deals with domestic violence in her cases. She needs to understand the ways in which ongoing abuse changes the course of a divorce proceeding and the special needs you'll have regarding custody, visitation, etc.

You should consider contacting a women's shelter, too. You are in a very dangerous situation and should have a safety plan in place.

Good luck.

bullybutt

Thanks ladies!  I am currently getting counseling with a domestic violence counselor at a local women's shelter. I have inquired about their facilities but she indicated that they are almost always full and not sure if they would have availability (so, in other words, I need to make other plans). Things are going to get VERY ugly once he finds out that I'm leaving and have DS.  I am not sure of the legal rights that he will have with DS before things are lined out and in writing through the court system.  I can't have SO with DS unsupervised, because I might not ever get him back . Yes, I am KTFU with #2 and plan on having this addressed also.

VitaLuna

No legal advice, and perhaps you're not looking for advice on leaving either, but I'd make sure you were gone for good (away from the house) before telling him you're leaving. Don't do it in person, and don't let on that you might be headed that direction before you actually leave. If you need to go back to the house for some reason, the police can/will go with you if needed just to maintain a safe environment.

Re: custody.. Assuming he will continue to be verbally abusive through texts/phone messages, save all of them (I think maybe you can ask your phone company for a print out? Not sure). Don't engage in back and forth with him, because he will also be able to use stuff against you, but save any threatening things he says as leverage in court.

Good luck with everything. It takes a lot of strength to leave, no matter the situation, so good for you for choosing a better life and environment for your LOs.

financialdiva

No advice but I wanted to wish you good luck with everything and creepy internet hugs.

tig594

I'm going through something very similar.  First of all, good luck and keep you and your LO safe.  Secondly, document EVERYTHING.  Get copies of police reports and get a personal protection order.  As a PP said, do not go back and forth with him.  I was told by the police to cut off all contact.  It's hard because he will try to provoke and manipulate you but you can do it.  Make sure you are safe at work, too, and that he doesn't try to follow you home.  If your LO is in day care make sure his providers are aware of what's going on.  

Piper1Chapman

Definitely have as much financial info with you as possible, seeing child support and dividing up finances will be an issue. It could potentially be trickier, given that you aren't married, so there won't necessarily be court orders separating your assets. Good luck, OP! Stay safe and ditto the others about having a safety plan in place for when you do tell him.

Piper1Chapman

wife07mom09 said:

You are not married so I'm not sure why you need an atty other than custody. I'm not a legal anything so take my advice lightly but I think you need to go to the police file a restraining order and get him out if he is abusing you . The. Sell your home and take the proceeds and move. I'm so sorry you have this problem. Stay safe.

Custody and support are pretty major issues, especially if DV is involved, so she will need plenty of legal counsel.

blushingbride_08

No legal advice here but I have a friend going thru a similar situation. I would have an emergency bag packed and ready to go. Enough clothes and necessities for a few days for you and little one. Keep it in the trunk of your car. Also secure all of your documents in a safe place. Birth cert, SS card, passport. Keep these in a fire proof safety box. If possible at a family/fried house nearby. Withdraw any money that is in joint accounts tat belong to you. Also put alerts on your accounts so you know what is being withdrawn and when. Also if your LO is in daycare inform them of this issue so they don't ot release LO to your spouse without your permission. GL!

tig594

I am pretty sure day care providers legally have to release a child to a parent unless you have a court order/custody agreement in place and you provide them with a copy.  At least, that is what the police have told me here in Michigan.  My day care knows to just call 911 and then me if DD's father shows up.  The police can sort it out and it buys me time to race up there.