Am I the Only One?

MMason12

I had been ready and contributing to the "Baby Shower" board for months now and one topic never fails to make an appearance on a regular basis -- "I hope people have money to buy me gifts" or "people need to bring me a gift, diapers, and a book damit!" ... I could go on but hopefully you get my point!

So, after we found out we were expecting in September I began to pick up little things here and there that we would need.  A cute baby outfit here, some wipes on sale there, a few baby toys we loved, etc.  On a few occasions my Mom would be with me while I was buying something and would look at me and say, "You are going to get so much given to you at a shower that I can't understand why you are buying anything!"  Now, I know my Mom was not saying that she expected people to buy me things, but she knows that her and my Dad plus her friends are all very generous ladies.  That's great.  However, the third time she finally said something I looked at her and said, "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs.  If people decide to have a shower for us we will feel blessed. If people will decide to give us gifts we will feel blessed and be thankful; however, we are not expecting anything.  It is our responsibility as parents to be to provide for our children!"

It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!

I know, this was more of a rant than a post so forgive me!  

mcgeeva

There is none these days. I listen to people complain non stop about everything in life and how hard they have it blah blah blah when they are more then capable of taking care of things on their own. Or cutting back where need be to afford what they need. We grow up in a society today where kids are not taught to work or the value of a dollar. Parents hand everything to them and do the same when they are grown hence no one does anything for themselves. Everything in life is expected and people feel they are owed. Its gross..I only hope I can teach my sons to be different.

SingleMom31

I agree.  We did that with our daughter, and my mom was terribly confused that we were shopping ourselves (basically, the same argument that your mom made).  When it was all said and done, we had 10 people at my shower and, while they were generous, it wasn't everything that we needed by any means.  I was glad that I wasn't having to make decisions/do all the shopping near the end of our pregnancy. 

MMason12

Kimbus22 said:

@MMason12 - First off, I totally agree.  Second, I just wanted to say that I'm happy to see you around more again. I miss seeing you on May14.  I look forward to seeing a BFP from you again sometime soon.

Thanks @Kimbus22!  I took a small break for a month after our loss but we got the clearance to start ttc again.  I hoping we get our BFP soon too!  I hope all you May 14 Mom-to-be are doing good!!! 

MMason12

Thanks Ladies!  It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there!  

Even though it was early I still had a few family/friends ask to co-host a shower together. I told them that I didn't want to be involved at all but I did ask them that they did not do a diaper raffle, no book instead of a card, and please do not ask guests to fill out their address on an envelope for thank you notes. 

We started buying nicer used books at local Mom-to-Mom sales.  We got over 50 books for $20 so far.  

Luna C

I think you're conflating two different things though. I don't expect anything from anyone. However, I've already had three different people (from family and different social circles) volunteer to throw showers. So I know I'm getting some gifts. 

And my cousin and another friend have already told me they have baby gear they don't need and would like to pass on to me. So I'm not shopping for anything yet until I have a better idea of what I need. (I did buy a baby book because we wanted to start getting that organized and it was fun.)

That doesn't mean I don't have personal responsibility, it means I'm being practical. And it's a totally different mindset from someone saying, "They better bring me a gift."

bingbongsmama

With my first child, I would budget for 1 major thing (like a pack n play or swing) or a few smaller items at each pay period. I had everything I needed 2-3 months in advance. MIL kept telling me I would get what I needed at the shower but I'm a planner (and generally anxious) so I wasn't going to wait until a few weeks before baby arrives to find out.

Turns out, I needed everything I bought. At the shower I mostly got clothes ( super cute but not necessary and mostly wrong season) and home made blankets and things. Of course mil bought some items she felt were better than what I picked out, but I bought the ones I had researched and felt were safest/best quality. So I returned/exchanged or gave a lot of the gifts away.

Glad I was prepared!

This time all I'm registering for are diapers + wipes. I really don't need much. We mostly just have to save $ for cord banking & the hospital bill

MMason12

Luna C said:

I think you're conflating two different things though. I don't expect anything from anyone. However, I've already had three different people (from family and different social circles) volunteer to throw showers. So I know I'm getting some gifts. 

And my cousin and another friend have already told me they have baby gear they don't need and would like to pass on to me. So I'm not shopping for anything yet until I have a better idea of what I need. (I did buy a baby book because we wanted to start getting that organized and it was fun.)

That doesn't mean I don't have personal responsibility, it means I'm being practical. And it's a totally different mindset from someone saying, "They better bring me a gift."

There is nothing wrong with things like hand-me-downs, etc.  Trust me I am one women who has no problem using second hand items that are still in good condition. And when people offer to host you one or more shower there is nothing wrong with that.  I know I will have a shower at some point, and I am sure we will get gifts; however, I do not expect gifts.  Specially the big stuff that we want like the crib, rocker, travel system, etc.  

However, there are plenty of people who post on this board saying things like: - How do I word my invites so guest only bring me the items I want? - How do I only get people to buy me things off my registry and nothing else? - I am mad that people want to have my shower around Christmas when every one will be broke and can't buy me the expensive gifts I want.  ---- I could go on but that should get the point across.  People also say things like -- no one offered to host me a shower how am I going to get diapers! - My host refuses to put bring a book instead of a card on my shower invite how am I going to get a library for our baby? - I want to do a diaper raffle so I don't have to buy diapers for the first year. 

It is comments like that that are selfish! You shouldn't ever dictate what gifts you are given, nor should you ask for specific items unless someone specifically asks you about it. Registries are just a suggestion for guests to look at. 

I guess it just blows my mind how many women expect people to buy or bring them things for their new baby.  What you are talking about is not the expectation of being given items.  It would be different if you were saying, "My cousin and friend have baby gear they are no longer using they better give it to me so I don't have to buy it!"

Luna C

OK, but that's not really what you said. You said you don't understand why people aren't doing more shopping for themselves -- which is an entirely different thing from wording invitations to extract specific gifts. 

MMason12

MMason12 said:

I had been ready and contributing to the "Baby Shower" board for months now and one topic never fails to make an appearance on a regular basis -- "I hope people have money to buy me gifts" or "people need to bring me a gift, diapers, and a book damit!" ... I could go on but hopefully you get my point!

So, after we found out we were expecting in September I began to pick up little things here and there that we would need.  A cute baby outfit here, some wipes on sale there, a few baby toys we loved, etc.  On a few occasions my Mom would be with me while I was buying something and would look at me and say, "You are going to get so much given to you at a shower that I can't understand why you are buying anything!"  Now, I know my Mom was not saying that she expected people to buy me things, but she knows that her and my Dad plus her friends are all very generous ladies.  That's great.  However, the third time she finally said something I looked at her and said, "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs.  If people decide to have a shower for us we will feel blessed. If people will decide to give us gifts we will feel blessed and be thankful; however, we are not expecting anything.  It is our responsibility as parents to be to provide for our children!"

It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!

I know, this was more of a rant than a post so forgive me!  

@LunaC - NO I DIDN'T!!  Read above!!!  I said, "It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies".  That says nothing about they should buy more. It's all about the exceptions. You must not know how to read what I wrote, because it's pretty damn clear. 

Luna C

I can read just fine. Can you?

Because you said this:

"It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!"

And this: "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs"

MMason12

Luna C said:

I can read just fine. Can you?

Because you said this:

"It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!"

And this: "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs"

Yup you are right. I am amazed at how many people expect people tho buy them things for their babies. Not just wording on invites either.  I am also amazed at how people have that expectation of others instead of having that expectation of themselves and then are grateful for the gifts they are given.  I have the expectation that my husband and I should provide for our new child, not my family and friends. If I or anyone else need our family and friends to buy and provide us the basics then we should close our legs and not get pregnant. Having a baby is a privilege and a huge responsibility.

I am done talking to you because I have a feeling you are one of those selfish ones wanting others to buy things for you instead of expecting to buy it yourself and grateful when someone gives you something as a gift. 

Meery82

MMason12 said:

Luna C said:

I can read just fine. Can you?

Because you said this:

"It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!"

And this: "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs"

Yup you are right. I am amazed at how many people expect people tho buy them things for their babies. Not just wording on invites either.  I am also amazed at how people have that expectation of others instead of having that expectation of themselves and then are grateful for the gifts they are given.  I have the expectation that my husband and I should provide for our new child, not my family and friends. If I or anyone else need our family and friends to buy and provide us the basics then we should close our legs and not get pregnant. Having a baby is a privilege and a huge responsibility.

I am done talking to you because I have a feeling you are one of those selfish ones wanting others to buy things for you instead of expecting to buy it yourself and grateful when someone gives you something as a gift. 

I think you two are on the same side and don't even realize it. LOL.

Twiggymommy

Thanks as what I think too. There arguing over wording at this point.

Luna C

 

Meery82 said:

MMason12 said:

Luna C said:

I can read just fine. Can you?

Because you said this:

"It truly amazed me how many people just expect their family and friends to provide them with things for their new babies! Ugh, what has happened to personal responsibility!"

And this: "Mark and I got pregnant. We knew what we were doing and we do not expect anyone but ourselves to provide the basic essentials or anything else our child needs"

Yup you are right. I am amazed at how many people expect people tho buy them things for their babies. Not just wording on invites either.  I am also amazed at how people have that expectation of others instead of having that expectation of themselves and then are grateful for the gifts they are given.  I have the expectation that my husband and I should provide for our new child, not my family and friends. If I or anyone else need our family and friends to buy and provide us the basics then we should close our legs and not get pregnant. Having a baby is a privilege and a huge responsibility.

I am done talking to you because I have a feeling you are one of those selfish ones wanting others to buy things for you instead of expecting to buy it yourself and grateful when someone gives you something as a gift. 

I think you two are on the same side and don't even realize it. LOL.

I'm still not even sure what the hell she's trying to say -- she's contradicted herself three different times and based on her inability to write clearly decided I'm a selfish person.

I def. have my nomination for next week's twatwaffle.

tbmadeamistake

I think there's a difference between expecting people to totally supply you with everything you need, and expecting gifts because you're being thrown a shower.  I had a shower thrown for me, so I expected gifts, because that's the point of a shower.  I registered for a lot of stuff, big and small.  I also was fully cognizant of the fact that if people did not buy what I needed/wanted, I had the ability and responsibility to go out and buy it myself and I was fine.  If I had only gotten clothes, I could have gotten everything else I needed without a problem. 

I see what you are seeing about the people who are totally set on specific things, or on getting everything because they don't want to/can't afford to buy any of it themselves.  I do think that you two ladies are discussing essentially the same thing using different words,

beautiflaw

I know some people who were like that. And who checked their registries every single day to see what had been bought. "Nobody's bought me a diaper bag yet!", "I was hoping someone would get me those onesies I registered for."

ABMomofBBx3

Thank you!  I feel exactly the same way, and have said that many a time!  People's expectations of a shower and gifts is so embarrassing!!