Looking for advice on losing a parent

QOTR

Hi all,

I lost my sweet Mom on Sunday night ( https://forums.thebump.com/discussion/12184797/my-mom#latest )

I learned that it was time for her to enter hospice just a few weeks after my BFP.  I initially mourned all my previous pregnancy losses all over again, thinking that if the first or second would have "stuck" that the baby would have been here in time that they could have met each other.   I then realized that if any of those pregnancies would have progressed and I had a newborn at home, that I wouldn't have been able to take her to see the Atlantic ocean for the first time this summer, spent so much time with her over these past few months or supported her and my siblings during these difficult last few days.

Due to our common AMA status, I know that I can't be alone in missing a parent.    For those that have been through this, do you have any advice for me?   How do you plan to make sure that your baby knows their missing grandparents?   My Mom was so excited for us and I want my baby to know how much he was loved by her, even though they never met.  Thanks.

zazu13

Sorry I cannot offer advice since I have not been in this situation. I just wanted to offer condolences for the loss of your mom.

MommyAtty

I lost my dad when I was a teenager. It's hard. We talk to my daughter about her grandpa and how much he would have loved her. And she sees pictures of him around our house. I have things that belonged to him and we tell her "that was your grandpa's!". I'm hoping as she gets older, she will understand, but at 16 mos it's really not concrete. I'm sorry for your loss. My advice is to be the parent your mom wanted you to be. And hold on to the good memories.

Mayzie15

I'm so sorry for your loss . I was very close to my grandmother and she passed long before my son was born. I like to think when my little one is napping and smiles or coos that he's visiting with her. I also believe that she held him first She will know your child just in a different way. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time.

QOTR

Thanks ladies.  And I'm sorry for your losses as well. 

happywifemomofone

QOTR-I am so sorry for the loss of your Mom.  My dad passed the year before I met my husband, it will be 6 years in Feb.  Getting through is just a one day at a time process.  I have an older child-21 yo......who has carried on the traditions of his Grandpa.  When my nieces were born, my mom observed my son tucking his cousins into bed "all the way down to their toes," just as my Dad had done for him.  I encourage you to make recipes that your Mom would have made with your LO, go to places you had been together, and tell stories about your Mom.    Although your LO will never physically "know" your Mom in person, your baby will come to "know" your Mom in spirit.

dannie2011

I'm so sorry for your loss.

kelley72

So sorry for your loss.  Just you asking this lets me know - you will find a beautiful way to remember your mother and introduce her to your child.  I have lost both my father and my step-father.  My father died when I was 5 so I know what it's like to loose a parent at an early age and what my mother did was to continue seeing my father's family and that enabled me to "know" my dad somewhat.  My step-father passed away in 2007 so all my boys met him (they are 15, 13, 12, 10), but this lo will not... it is hard and sad but continuing to talk of the memories and importance of him and the pictures will help.

nikkiuk

@QOTR sending you huge hugs in this difficult time. I lost my beloved Mum in 2002, she had also spent a short time in a Hospice. My son was too young to remember her much (but my daughter does though) and sadly the access to video and all things digital wasn't available like it is today. So all I have is photographs and memories. My son asks questions about her now and then, I have framed photos of her holding him but he doesn't 'connect' with her is the same way my daughter does as he doesn't have those memories. I sit and show him the photos of her now and then, we remember her on her birthday. Little things to make sure she is remembered. If you have videos of her, keep them safe. That's one thing I really wish I did have. Just as important, please, please, please look after yourself. Losing your Mum is so very hard and it's very easy to push grief to one side because you have a million things to do. Give yourself plenty of time to grieve properly, it's very important.

jbelle

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Beachgal72

I fortunately still have both of my parents but losing them is something I think about more and more often. I am so sorry for your loss and that you have to go through this during your pregnancy. Sending you lots of hugs and strength during this time.

LucyRicardo3

I'm so terribly sorry

Geeps2

I am so very sorry for your loss.  My dad died when I (and he) were very young and my Mom never re-married.  I have very few memories of my Dad but the love has always been there.  I just had my son 2 weeks ago tonight and he is named after my father.  I will tell stories that have been told to me about him.  My Mom will tell stories and other family members as well. 

The best thing you can do is to keep your traditions and things that you held special that you and your Mom did together and do them with your child.  My grandmother died when I was in the 4th grade right before Christmas and every year without fail my Mom and I make some of the goodies my Grandma made, we use her bowl that she always used and always find a way to bring her into the moment.  We tell stories, share funny memories or just discuss how she would react to whatever is going on in the moment if she were here with us.

I am so sorry for your loss, especially around the holidays.  I am sure you will find wonderful ways to keep your mother's memory alive.

Melissa72777

I'm so sorry for your loss and truly understand what you are going through. I lost my Dad a month ago. He was diagnosed with cancer 1 week after my BFP. I am an only child and this is my first pregnancy. Throughout the last several months we had with him my mom and I tried to keep his spirits up with talk of the baby. He always said he wanted so much to be here to hold his grand baby. I believe he will be here watching over me while I have the baby and will be with LO everyday. I am lucky to have many wonderful memories and stories to share with LO along with items that belonged to my dad that I can pass down. I believe as long as you share your memories with LO, you will be able to have LO really know your mom and all that she meant to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you during this difficult time. Just remember brighter days are ahead when you will hold your LO in your arms. (((Hugs)))

marleybarne

So sorry. Thoughts and prayers going out for you and your family.

BeckyP005

Oh @QOTR I am so very sorry to hear about the loss of your mom. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Glad to hear baby is doing well. I hope you were able to get through the speech today that you mentioned. I'm sure you did great. Big huge hugs

hydrangeagirl

I am so sorry for your loss...my thoughts are with you and your family.

dragonfly711

So sorry for your loss. I lost my dad at 29 about 3 weeks before my 30 bday. I am 39 now and it will be 10 yrs since his passing in January.

The first year is hard. I have to admit. Going through holidays ect for the first time.

First few months I was numb. I ended up having legal guardianship of my 1/2 sister who was 12 almost 13. Her mo lived in a different state. I didn't want her to have to change schools.

Til this day I still get emotional around this time since Christmas was the last holiday I had with him.

Take the time that you need. Talk if you need too.

Please feel free to message me if you need to talk or have certain questions.

I lived w my dad when I was young. We did so much together it was so hard. He passed suddenly too and was just 60.

Thinking of you and again please message me if you need to talk.
Hugs to you.

springbeduk2

So sorry for your loss.  Sending you thoughts of peace and strength for this difficult time. Also I hope it is helpful for you to hear that many others have walked a similar path and you are not alone. 

In addition, thank you for sharing and asking for others' thoughts and advice.  My mother is terminally ill as well and most likely will not live to meet my LO who would be her first grandchild.  It is helpful to read everyone's experiences and thoughts about carrying on a late parent's memory.  I felt guilty about the timing but we had been trying and had had the first loss before her diagnosis and due to our ages did not want to stop TTC, but then I really didn't even want to tell her about the BFP (well, the previous one and then this one) because of worry that she'd be sad about not getting to meet the baby and/or feel she had to hold on past her time instead of going peacefully (which may still happen but I hope not) but it turned out she was really relieved and happy about it because she pretty much thought she had somehow poisoned my mind against ever having children.  (Which may be why she never once hinted or nagged about when would she ever have a grandchild?).  So she got some unnecessary guilt relieved by finding out we were trying to have kids after all!   I hope that knowing that you are going to get to be a mother also brought your mother some peace and happiness in her last months.

Again, condolences and best wishes, and like pp have said, please take time to take care of yourself!

QOTR

Thanks again everyone.   I've received so much love and support from friends far, near and "virtually" here.     I appreciate hearing from those of you that have also experienced a loss.  And whether it was recently or years ago, I still offer my sincere condolences to you and your families.

@springbeduk2, I'm sorry to hear that your mom is ill.   I too hesitated in telling my Mom.  I didn't want to add to her regrets and sadness.  I waited until we received the results of our Mat21 results at 11 weeks to tell her.  I am so relieved I decided to.   We got to enjoy several weeks of baby talk and she helped us announce to my sister and brother the day before she passed.   She was excited to be a part of it and it was one of the few highlights of those days in the hospital.

Best wishes to your Mom.   I hope she remains stable and comfortable long enough to meet your little girl.  

sporklemotion

So sorry for your loss. I have lost both of my parents (my mom just 10 months ago), and it has been very, very hard on me during this pregnancy. My mother knew that we wanted children (I had a m/c almost 2 years ago), and I know she would have been thrilled about this. I have felt pretty isolated and self-pitying, if I'm being honest. We named LO after my mother and hyphenated our last names, because it is very important to me to keep my side of the family central to my daughter's identity. My DH is very close to his family, but I am not close to mine now that my parents are gone, so I worry about this. I don't know that LO will ever really "know" my parents (my DH never met my father, so he can't really help with that), but through pictures and family traditions, I hope to get her closer to understanding.

Sharon&Paul

My DH's grandmother died the day our first child was born. She was so happy for our baby and would rub my belly every time we went to see her. We knew she was sick and planned to take our DD to see her once we got released from the hospital. My DD was born that morning and his grandmother died several hours later. His mother whispered in her ear that our DD had arrived, but she never got to see her. Our DD was released from the hospital and went to her great-grandmother's funeral her very first day home. I always wished she had the opportunity to meet her, but I guess it was not in God's plan.

Cheriann1504

My mom died at 46 and I was only 25.i had my daughter at 28...I was sad that she would never meet her granddaughter but thankful to God to give me this precious miracle to help mend my heart. My mom was my best friend and it tore my heart out when she died I was still mourning when I got pregnant with my daughter years later. But Gods timing is amazing...having my daughter helped with losing my mom. I lost my mother/daughter relationship when my mom died but regained one with the birth of my daughter! I would give anything for my mom to be here but that's not possible...I have her in memories and I cherish the relationship I have now with my little girl. I talk about her grandma to her ALL the time so even though they never met... I believe my daughter knows her grandma! Also the minute I found out I was having a girl I immediately knew I would name her after my mom...I wanted to honor my mom. The must amazing thing is that I see my mom through my daughter. It is so crazy how she makes the same expressions and acts like her! I feel like my mom lives through her Truly a gift and my little angel!!!

QOTR

Warm thoughts to everyone missing a loved one this holiday season.    I know there will be hard moments, but I'm hoping that loving memories shine through for all of us. 

annejsize

I'm so sorry about your mom.  I lost my dad unexpectedly last year, in February, three months after my daughter was born.  He was supposed to meet her in April that year (we lived on the opposite side of the country at that time).   It's been almost two years and the pain is still sharp but it's becoming a part of me. 

I do sometimes wish I had tried to get pregnant earlier so my dad would have at least had the chance to get to know his grandchildren before he died.  Then again, I also realize if that was the case, that child wouldn't be the wonderful, funny, smart little girl I have now.  And that what I have to remember when I have moments of 'I should haves'.    

It sucks, losing a parent.  My heart goes out to you and everyone who posted about their losses.

sassy1

I'm so sorry for your loss & heartache. I can relate, as my dad passed while we were TTC. He was so hopeful that we would succeed & was asking about it in his last days. We got our BFP (with the help of a fertility clinic) 8 months after my dad passed. Every time I thought about the fact that my dad would never know that it finally happened, it would reduce me to tears. It's now a few years later & we're expecting our 2nd...& honestly, I still have those moments. But I'll tell you what has helped me. When our DS was still an infant, I bought a "baby's first photo album" & my dads photo is on the 1st page. Every time we go through it (he is 2 now) I tell him "This is your grandpa who watches you from heaven." Sometimes I tell him that he is proud of my DS & loves him from afar. The thought that my dad might know his grandson in his own way in the afterlife is one that comforts me. (I love that a PP said she likes to think her grandma was the first to hold her LO.) I took a framed photo of my dad to the hospital when we had our son & had it sitting out in our room. It helped me a lot. What wouldn't have helped is if my family members or in-laws had commented on it--it would've opened the floodgates--but thankfully they didn't. I'll do the same when we have our daughter. As the kids grow, I want to make sure they hear stories & details about my dad. I have a few items of his to give them when they're older as well. Maybe you could set aside a few things that belonged to your mom for your baby? Again, I'm deeply sorry & I hope you are able to grieve for your mom & hold joyful anticipation for your LO's arrival, at the same time.