BM Vent

emme022

So just want to start this off by saying I was not at this appt that I'm about to complain about, SO just came home and told me about it and was upset so I wanted to vent.  So today was LO's(A) 3 year appt and it was on one of BM's days so he met them at the dr's office.  He was a few minutes late because he had been given the wrong time but the dr had been running late anyways so he didn't miss much.  So as soon as the Dr left the room BM started yelling at SO about A's hair because she is angry that he got the ends trimmed when he took her too get her bangs cut(because the hairdresser said they were unhealthy and really needed to be trimmed).  She had already also texted about this yesterday and threatened to call a lawyer because of it so he just ignored her.

Then at the end of the appointment she repeatedly said to A, we are all done you want Daddy to leave don't you, shouldn't Daddy leave, etc until A said Daddy leave and SO tried to say goodbye to A and give her a hug before he left.  BM yelled at him again, said to just leave already "like his daughter wants him to", that she doesn't want to say goodbye to him and refused to let him hug or even touch A since it was her time so he was not "allowed" to hug or touch A.  Then BM told A that they were late to go see "Daddy Kendle", which A responded whose Daddy Kendle(I am assuming BM's bf and the father of her 2nd child), and picked her up and started walking out of the exam room and SO started walking out too.  He tried to say goodbye as they were walking out and BM yelled at him not to try to talk to her and that they were in public so to just leave her alone. 

SO had to stop at the desk on the way out to give them a copy of the custody papers that say he has joint physical and legal(which annoys me that he has to do that but BM does not have to prove she has joint legal or physical it is just assumed) and BM realized he was still inside, came back in and yelled at him that they were done here so he needed to leave.  He told BM what he was doing was not about the appt and left it at that.  When SO got home and told me about it he was really upset and I just felt so bad for him.  Unfortunately I am not totally surprised since there have been times that on the drive to our house from BM"s A has said I don't like Daddy's house, Your're bad Daddy or I don't love Daddy and when we ask her why she says, well because Mommy said so and just usually respond with oh well we all love you or something similar.  The whole situation just sucks and today was extra frustrating.  Thanks for letting me vent everyone. 

momof2buggs

I am sorry! She sounds like a nut. I really hope you guys are documenting everything.I cannot believe how unhealthy some people are

twister22

Wow that woman sounds crazy. That is definitely some PA. What does the SO's visitation time look like with A?

emme022

They have 50/50 and do a 2-2-3 schedule but they also get 2 vacation weeks during the year and he ended up taking one in November since she isn't in school or anything so we had her for about a week and a half and she just went back to BM yesterday and BM made it clear she was not happy he had her for that long, even though she's done the same, so I think that was part of her acting worse than usual.  It does drive me crazy though that she yells at him, about problems etc in front of A and that she thinks that since she's the mom things are different since hes "just the father".  Thanks for listening to me vent haha

twister22

Does your CO say anything about each parent not making disparaging remarks about the other parent in front of the child? If not I would look into having that added. If this behavior is fairly normal for BM, I would look into talking to a lawyer for her PA.

ambrvan

emcmac87 said:

They have 50/50 and do a 2-2-3 schedule but they also get 2 vacation weeks during the year and he ended up taking one in November since she isn't in school or anything so we had her for about a week and a half and she just went back to BM yesterday and BM made it clear she was not happy he had her for that long, even though she's done the same, so I think that was part of her acting worse than usual.  It does drive me crazy though that she yells at him, about problems etc in front of A and that she thinks that since she's the mom things are different since hes "just the father".  Thanks for listening to me vent haha

This isn't something to be handled flippantly. And if ignored or just cast off in the beginning, it can spell disaster for father-child relationship. If any manner of this behavior is normal, even if this was just a worse version of her, he should be seeking help for parental alienation to prevent her from sabotaging his relationship.

Nineoceans

So if it happened that way then your Dh needs to correct Bm in the moment.

She does this because there are no consequences. There's nothing wrong with saying "Bm, please do not make a scene. I am hugging my daughter and then we will leave." "Bm, I think A's hair looks great and I don't have anything else to say on the subject."

Quick, simple corrections that shut her. My Dh would NEVER let Bm get away with that. If you let adults treat you like that then the child gets the message that it's appropriate to have an attitude and be disrespectful.

twister22

Nineoceans said:

So if it happened that way then your Dh needs to correct Bm in the moment. She does this because there are no consequences. There's nothing wrong with saying "Bm, please do not make a scene. I am hugging my daughter and then we will leave." "Bm, I think A's hair looks great and I don't have anything else to say on the subject." Quick, simple corrections that shut her. My Dh would NEVER let Bm get away with that. If you let adults treat you like that then the child gets the message that it's appropriate to have an attitude and be disrespectful.

This exactly.

KTdidit

Nineoceans said:

So if it happened that way then your Dh needs to correct Bm in the moment. She does this because there are no consequences. There's nothing wrong with saying "Bm, please do not make a scene. I am hugging my daughter and then we will leave." "Bm, I think A's hair looks great and I don't have anything else to say on the subject." Quick, simple corrections that shut her. My Dh would NEVER let Bm get away with that. If you let adults treat you like that then the child gets the message that it's appropriate to have an attitude and be disrespectful.

This. He essentially "allowed" BM to talk to him that way by not saying anything at the time. I can understand not wanting to be confrontational, but he can't allow her to treat him like that.If it continues, then A will start to think of him as "just the father" and treat him the same way BM does. Call a lawyer about the PA

Wahoo

SO needs to find an appropriate way to deal with BM and to keep A out of the middle. When she starts asking A “don’t you want your dad to leave?” your SO needs to turn to BM and say “A doesn’t get to vote on whether or not I leave. I am permitted here as a part of our court-ordered parenting plan.”

If BM says “it’s my time,” he needs to correct her and say “no, doctor’s appointments are both of our time.”

By not confronting BM, he is allowing A to be put in the middle, made to “choose sides” and that’s not fair to her. A being in the middle is JUST AS MUCH his fault as it is BM’s in this case, because he does not have the b*lls to stand up to BM. Please don’t tell me he just wants to keep the peace…he is not standing up for himself because he is chicken. He is hurting A more than he is hurting himself.
He also needs to turn to BM and calmly say “you don’t get to dictate what I do.” When she yells at him to leave, do this, or do that.

Therapy might help your SO develop tools to handle confrontation maturely and calmly.

+just+j+

Your DH may want to start recording conversations. Seriously. If she is pulling this stuff in public and making a scene, then maybe he can say, "excuse me but this is turning volatile, i am going to start recording this conversation". If he lets her know and repeats "ok, i am now recording" and she continues to berate him and manipulate the child... Guess what? That recording is legal and can be used in court. It can also potentially be leverage to get her to publically stop berating and making a scene. Either way, you win.

If you have someone this bat shit crazy, you need to step up your game to protect yourself.

And i agree - see a lawyer about the parental alienation.

emme022

Was going to update earlier but it ended up being a long drama filled day of messages from BM about the hair trim(for the 3rd day in a row), the dr appt and next weeks dentist appt. It was all ridiculous and stressful and SO did try this time to call her out on stuff and emphasis that her being her mother doesn't give her extra rights or privileges over him.

She's agreed to start trying to communicate and co parent better but added that she's already been doing that and this is all his fault. And we've been down this road before and what she usually means is I will tell you what to do and then you do it so I am not too optimistic.

Sorry for the giant paragraph I'm on mobile but wanted to say I appreciate all the advice and we are definitely going to start trying some of the things suggested and we are in the process of finding a new lawyer since the previous one dropped the ball on a lot of things.

Wahoo

I'm glad he stood up to her this time! 

He also needs to remember that he doesn't have to justify his actions - - if she berates him about the hair trim, he isn't required to answer.  Or, he can answer one part of the message (about the dentist) and ignore the rest about the hair. 

A lesson they teach at Al-anon is "if you know the truth, you don't have to waste your time convincing others."