Lurker, but I need to vent ;)

JNCPro3130

So I lurk here a lot and have done an intro a year or two ago.  Maybe it's the weather or PMS, but I am crabby today.  

Yesterday I was talking to a friend of mine who has an adorable little girl and discussing how the little one is doing.  That lead to a discussion about when my DH and I were going to have kids.  I'm used to it by now, so I told her that we are making sure our finances are in order before having children.  We just bought our first house, so we just want to make sure things are good before we start having children.  Then came the phrase that drives me CRAZY!  She said, "Well, when you have kids, the money just works itself out."  Now, I understand what she is trying to say; however, it still drives me crazy because...

1) My DH and I budget our money down to the penny.  We know where everything goes!  If I say we don't have the money right now, then we don't and your statement won't change that fact unless a child is born with a money tree.

2) We don't eat out or go to the movies.  I don't highlight my hair like I used to or get my nails done.  So I know people who have tried to tell me that if my DH and I "cut out the extras" we could afford children mean well, but it is rude.  Again, I understand the mentality of the statement and everyone has room to "clean up" their budget, but again, people shouldn't assume everyone has money to play around with in their budget.

3) I am a teacher and we haven't gotten a raise in 4 years.  We have also had furlough days taken from us the past 3 years, so we were actually making less.  Even though this was the case, insurance went up, gas, and overall all expenses have gone up.  This has been hard on DH and I.

4) The expense of actually having the baby is expensive.  Hospitals, doctor's visits, and initially buying the things babies need is expensive.  Daycare here is a lot and we do not have an extra $600-$700 a month (at the cheapest) to put toward that.

Overall, I just think it is frustrating for people to be rude about my DH and I trying to be responsible parents.  We want to provide for future children.  I know you are never COMPLETELY ready/financially ready, but we do want the best start for our children.  I don't mean anything against anyone who does things differently due to their personal beliefs or circumstances, but it is frustrating to always feel like I don't know what I am talking about because I don't have kids.  It didn't bother me the first time I heard it, but 4 years into my marriage and I have now heard it from people I work with, family, and friends.  

UGH... Thanks for reading... Happy Tuesday...  **Climbs back down the mountain of a soap box that I was on**

Jags8

I also can't stand when people ask me! Especially when they ask both DH and I together, because he wants one rightthissecond and I'm trying to be responsible. So thanks for fueling that fire, nosy person!!
I'm pretty sure I am going to print copies of this article and hand them to people who ask. https://www.nittygrittylove.com/3-reasons-to-stop-asking-couples-when-theyll-have-babies/

Ducktale

I used to get all heated when people would ask me when we're having kids, but I'm over it. People don't know they're being rude, they're just interested in your life. Just like you ask someone who's engaged "when's the big day" or someone who's pregnant "when are you due", asking a married couple when they're having kids seems normal and polite and just a conversation starter, and they don't really think about it. It doesn't bother me anymore.

That said, statements like the above about money, I 100% agree with the irritation on that. I also get a little miffed by "if you wait for the perfect time it will never happen" because I've had friends have kids they cannot afford and use these as excuses. Sure, there might not be a perfect time, but there certainly are irresponsible and stupid times.

JNCPro3130

Ducktale said:

That said, statements like the above about money, I 100% agree with the irritation on that. I also get a little miffed by "if you wait for the perfect time it will never happen" because I've had friends have kids they cannot afford and use these as excuses. Sure, there might not be a perfect time, but there certainly are irresponsible and stupid times.

This is exactly what irritates me too!  You are right.  If they are just asking me when we think we will have children, that doesn't bother me either... as much.    I just feel like it is a personal decision between my DH and I.  If I say we can't afford a child right now, then we are not comfortable having one at this time and people's comments that you are never fully ready make me feel like they are undermining our decision or brushing it off as "you just don't know because you aren't a parent".  The girl I was talking to yesterday even tried to lay out her budget to "help me out".  She said, "We pay for the things that must be done first, like rent and food. Then we pay for things for the baby."  LOL  I felt like saying, "I know how to budget...We aren't dumb. We just don't have the money!"  I guess I just need to get over it.  LOL

JNCPro3130

Jags8 said:

 I'm pretty sure I am going to print copies of this article and hand them to people who ask. https://www.nittygrittylove.com/3-reasons-to-stop-asking-couples-when-theyll-have-babies/

This is great!

barefootbluejean204

@JNCPro3130

I know what you mean!! People have told me that before as well "if you wait until you can afford a baby, you will never have one" - such a blanket statement that does NOT apply to everyone!! Maybe they just mean to encourage people kindly not to wait until ALL your ducks are in a row, but I agree that it is smart to have a plan and if you KNOW there is no room for baby, then its not the right time - only YOU know the right time, not well-meaning friends/family. My plan is to start saving every little bit that we can now, before we even start trying, and hopefully it will add up.

lifeonthehill

When we tell people we are trying to get out finances in line we always get "But there is never a right time to have a baby." My response is "While that may be true there is bound to be a better time then this."

Not that they need to know but I am glad they are interested because I love talking about babies and children haha.

JNCPro3130

Kimbus22 said:

People who say shit like that are typically people who make stupid financial decisions.

That's what I find too.  My friend had to go live at home after having her son.  While I understand that things happen (job loss, etc.), this was not the case for them.  Meanwhile she is trying to explain to ME how to budget... Really?!  I just smile and nod.  

DiveFrog

My BFF who is a SAHM and has 4 kids, and who's husband makes basically what DH and I do combined used to always get on my case about having kids after DH and I got married. And always told me the same thing about "The  money just works itself out"....I finally got annoyed enough that I told her "Wow, I didn't know you were offering free daycare!". And followed it up with "Could your family afford $1000/month additional expense right now?, What it costs you to have another baby is NOT the same as what it will cost us to have a baby". After that she never mentioned it again. I don't think she really had any idea how much daycare costs. 

SmileyJay

Amen, sister!

I think a lot of people try to encourage others down the same path they took. There is a lot of peace in comradery. I'm sure this is not always the case, but in my experience the only people who ever told me "if you wait till you are ready you will never have kids" were people who either had surprise pregnancies or chose to have children when the situation was far less than ideal. We all know you can't predict the future. You can have it all planned out then lose a job or get ill. But a certain amount of planning and assurance goes a long way when starting your family.

We have faced a little pressure from DH's side about having a child. I am 24, he is 25 and we have been married over 2 years and lived together for 3 before that. Out of everyone is his entire family (seriously, we tried to think of just one example) we are the only ones who have waited to be ready by conventional standards before having a baby. We finished college, got married, bought a house, travel, have savings and health insurance, etc. I say conventional standards because I don't think any of this will make me a better mom but it does put my mind at ease and offer some reassurance that we have resources to fall back on. I have seen so many others struggle with raising kids that they were ill equipped to care for to begin with and it's just not something I want for our family.

With that said, we gave up trying to make things "perfect". In a perfect world it would be an option for one of us to stay home full time with a baby but we enjoy having extra money as a cushion and need each of our incomes as we are just starting our careers. I am just 24 but we have decided we would prefer to utilize child care than put off having our first. But we have many good and affordable care option in our area and I like my job, so that is something. So things won't be picture perfect, but it feels like the right time. I am so glad we have waited to get to where we are. We have always wanted kids and if I had listed to everyone else we would have a 3 or 4 year old by now and our finances would be very different. 

Head up and press on. Suppress the urge to argue against them or rub it in when you are better prepared when you have a child. I found the best reaction to "when are you having a baby?" is "not today!"