Stepmom and expecting my first

dleadustin

I have been a step mom for 5 years to my husbands daughter, now 7. She is everything to me, but I am only someone in her life. She doesn't express any sentiments towards me that she does for her father or mother. I truly believe that if I were to leave for a while her only question about me would be out of curiosity. Though I care for her daily. I am expecting my first child in a few months and I am so worried that I will love my child more than my step daughter. She is everything to me know but it's difficult to imagine how that couldn't change when I am "Mommy". Any advice from those who have been through a situation like this would be greatly appreciated. I'm not able to talk to my husband about it as he doesn't see things the way I do. Thanks all. 

Littlejen22

You will love your kid more. But you need to do everything in your power for SD to never feel that and to treat her fair and equally. And remember equal does not need to be the same but just equal like parents of bio-kids need to.

Doubletrouble12

After having Step children and having biological kids also I completely know that feeling you are having. I really didn't think much of it before my bio kids were born, but I will say now it is just a much stronger love you have for them. It's definitely a tough situation. I even spoke to a counselor about it and she said it's completely normal to feel more love for you own children just try your best to provide love for your step children as well. Good luck

dleadustin

Thank you. It's helpful to know i'm not alone.

ambrvan

You definitely are not alone. I also have a 7yo SD who I have been the primary caretaker for (until recently) since she was 2, and we have had primary/full custody for almost four years now. Her BM only gets supervised visits EOWend, so I am her major mother figure.

I also have an almost-4yo DS. It was impossible for me to realize the depth of that biological bond before he was born. My world revolves as much around SD as it does DS, but I cannot deny that there is a different love on a much deeper, more basic level with DS.

Do I love SD? Absolutely! Does she know? Absolutely! Has she always shown it or acted as if she cared? No. But then again, my DS can go through phases where he also seems like he couldn't care less if I was here or not. But I know the truth.

I would bet that your SD probably cares more for you than you think. If you were to disappear, I'm sure she would be affected. Depending on the depth of your relationship, it might not hurt her as much as losing a parent, but probably at the very least losing a close, much-loved aunt. I'm sorry to compare it to that, but it's the best way I could express it.

Do the two of you spend much one-on-one time together doing things that interest her?

emikat

You will love your LO more.  It's natural.  But that doesn't mean that your feelings for your SD will change.  Rather you will know a new love that you can never have imagined.  I was unprepared for it.  Just try and keep things in your home fair and be open and loving.  It's all you can do.  But, you cannot help the love you will feel for your baby.  It's nature. 

dleadustin

Thank you all. I do spend most of my non-working time with my SD. Either making games out of chores or playing play-dough. Yet, when it comes time for bed she asks for Daddy or her uncle who lives with us. Not for me. Maybe she's sick of me by the end of the day. I'm certainly going to do everything I can to keep things even. I'm just not sure what that will look like/feel like when SD has never looked at me as mom. Or even a mother-like care taker. I appreciate the advice and support. It feels better just to talk about it.  

ambrvan

There's no way she can't view you as a caretaker. You may not every be her mom, and if her BM is in the picture, you shouldn't be. It doesn't make you and your relationship any less special. Just different. She will never view her uncle as a father, but they must share a special bond, as well. Everyone has their place in life, and maybe yours just isn't at bedtime. You know? It doesn't mean that she didn't love you.

emikat

ambrvan said:

There's no way she can't view you as a caretaker. You may not every be her mom, and if her BM is in the picture, you shouldn't be. It doesn't make you and your relationship any less special. Just different. She will never view her uncle as a father, but they must share a special bond, as well. Everyone has their place in life, and maybe yours just isn't at bedtime. You know? It doesn't mean that she didn't love you.

All of this.  My SS knows I'm not mom.  But he loves me and he does call me one of his parents. Your SD loves you and you have a role.  Everything will fall into place.  Families are complex and they are all different.  Try not to over analyze.  It's something I work on too.  

mrsgyaray

dleadustin said:

I have been a step mom for 5 years to my husbands daughter, now 7. She is everything to me, but I am only someone in her life. She doesn't express any sentiments towards me that she does for her father or mother. I truly believe that if I were to leave for a while her only question about me would be out of curiosity. Though I care for her daily. I am expecting my first child in a few months and I am so worried that I will love my child more than my step daughter. She is everything to me know but it's difficult to imagine how that couldn't change when I am "Mommy". Any advice from those who have been through a situation like this would be greatly appreciated. I'm not able to talk to my husband about it as he doesn't see things the way I do. Thanks all. 

We're in the same boat! I have sd's who are 6 and 7 and I am mommy to them and coach as well! Hang in there lady!! This is my first too! How far along are you?