Husband not supportive of me trying to be healthy - Why? — The Bump
Dads & Dads-to-be

Husband not supportive of me trying to be healthy - Why?

tanja977tanja977 member
edited November 2013 in Dads & Dads-to-be

Hello Gentlemen,

It would be great to get a guy's perspective on a major issue my husband and I are having.

I'm almost 5 months pregnant, it was a planned pregnancy, and my husband is generally thrilled and excited about the baby. There is something though that's constantly causing fights and it's getting to a point where the stress is really affecting me.

I've always been a very health-conscious person but since I became pregnant it's fair to say I've been taking things to a whole new level. In addition to eating healthy, I'm also trying to minimize toxins in our household. We just moved into an older apartment and I'm concerned about the new low quality carpet that has a strong chemical smell and is producing tons of dust all the time, the water is coming out yellow sometimes and I'm worried about lead paint too. The lease is month to month so we can move anytime and we have agreed more or less to move in a couple months if things don't improve. My husband has no understanding for any of this. He says there are no unhealthy things in apartments at all and that everybody lives like this and that it's all in my head. When I offer to show him a scientific study or medical article, he refuses to read it and writes it all off as internet bull****. It's other things too. He also gets annoyed when I try to make sure we buy the right kind of fish to minimize mercury exposure, for example. To me it feels like he is either naïve and ignorant or doesn't care about the baby's health. He insists that the baby is completely healthy (even though it hasn't even been born yet). I'm the only one that tries to make sure I minimize common risks and not only is he not supportive, he fights with me over these things. To him I'm completely crazy and he says I'm making his life difficult. I never tell him what to eat or do though. He can eat junk food and roll around on the carpet if he wants. I just want to have some understanding from his side and concern for the baby. 

Any insight on what is going on here? Thanks!     

Re: Husband not supportive of me trying to be healthy - Why?

  • I would say a mix of his "other people are living similar and their babies are fine" and your "everything is trying to kill my baby".

    The two of you need to sit down together and discuss things.

    I am not sure how old the apartment building is that you are living in or if it has had any major interior remodeling, but if the interior is newer then the late 1970's you do not have to worry about lead.  Even if there is lead paint at the lower levels of the painted walls, they should have been painted enough that as long as no one is doing construction to expose the paint then you are fine also.

    The house that my wife and I are living in was built in the 1920's and when we had a door replaced, was informed that we do have lead paint so when ever we do any major construction we will have to use experts.  We did paint the walls when we moved in which put another layer of good paint to capture the bad paint.  As for carpeting, depending on how long ago it was installed, you shouldn't have to worry about the additional gases given off since most off gassing occurs the first few months installed.

    As my wife chimed in, you need to "breath" and calm down.  If you keep working yourself up, it will be a very long pregnancy and life for everyone involved.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


    [Deleted User]
  • You guys are a team now.  That means that you have to communicate even when it becomes hard to.  While you have certain things in mind as to what is acceptable to you, I am sure your husband does too.  The two of you need to come to an understanding on what is, and is not, acceptable.  Compromise is one of the hardest things in marriage, but it is also showing love to release our selfish tendencies as independent humans.  Wait until the baby is here....the biggest challenge that my wife and I had that first year was communicating needs with an infant that was taking 150% of the attention in the house.

    While it does seem that you are getting a little worked up, at the same time my rule of thumb with my pregnant wife was to make sure she was happy.  A happy wife meant that I had less backlash from symptoms to deal with.  So with the carpets, for example,, I would offer to clean them.  We own our home, so it is hard for me to comment on renting while expecting.  If it was my wife, we would have already been looking for a home to buy.  Not everyone can do that right away, and I get that.

    I think he will start to see things differently once the baby is here. You are so protective because you already have a relationship with your child.  For us dad's, that does not really start until birth, so urgency and the stuff that you are thinking about right now is not in his mind yet.  That changes once that little life is in your arms, helpless, with only the two of you to protect him or her.  Father's are the ones who make sure that the house is in shape and secure, and that will set in soon enough if he is like most guys.  To this day I am convinced that my son is going to hurt himself in the "hotspots" I have designated in the house.  My wife is clueless to that though, because she knows that is my job and I am all over it.

    Keep talking, even when you are sick of it!! 

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  • Lead paint will be an issue after the child is born, but it's really only an issue if you eat it.

    Colored water out of the tap is fucking disgusting.

    You could rent a carpet shampooer to take care of at least the dust and some of the smell.

    No offense, but your current place kind of sounds like a dump. Pregnant women are a bit notorious for going overboard with worries, but the stuff you are talking about is fairly basic and not stuff I could personally deal with in my home.
    https://pbs.twimg.com/media/BhqjipgCIAAOz7H.jpg
    -My son was born in April 2012. He pretty much rules.
  • Hi,

    I'm not a dude but it seems to be that these concerns of yours,  which I think are valid,  and the attitude of your husband may be masking something greater than the safety issues you are talking about. Your husband needs to support you emotionally and physically and he does not seem to be doing that. Maybe he doesn't know how. Maybe he is one of those guys who is more anxious than you are but doesn't know how to communicate this to you so he shrugs and decides not to worry about it. I can't tell from what you have written but when you add a baby to the mix, it doesn't get any easier. And raising a new born baby in an apartment will make your neighbors hate you.  This I know from experience.  The neighbors below my husband and I could quote our fights verbatim.  Get some counseling, help him educate himself on toxin risks, I would even suggest this publication: Taking Care of Mom: Nurturing Self As Well As Baby https://ask.hrsa.gov/detail_materials.cfm?ProdID=4291 to help him understand what you are going through and the for you to understand that you can't do this alone.

     

    Good luck to you.

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