LGBT Parenting

Parent venting

So I'm having a hard time dealing with this last failed iUI. My whole life my mom has been my rock...then I came out. When I told my mom about Sarah she didn't fly off the deep end at first. Sarah was getting out of a long relationship and had a hard time doing so, but loved me. It was an emotional roller coaster. When I was going through this with her, I was living at home to do my student teaching and my dad died. This gave mom plenty of time to feel she needed to protect me (like any mother). She didn't like that I was on this emotional roller coaster and went claws out after Sarah. That summer about 4 months later I couldn't handle the back and forth of "who do you love/choose" so I took the motto of if you love something let it go, if it comes back it was meant to be. I packed my bags and moved to NC to live with my sister and job hunt. It was super hard on me (and Sarah). I got a job and about 2 months after me being away she couldn't take it anymore and came to see me. Long story short, 8 years later we are married and trying to have a baby.

My family had a lot of bitterness towards her, but my sisters now like her, my aunt and uncle love her, my niece and nephews adore her....then there is mom. Sometimes she gets along great with her and other times it feels like she is nit-picking on her constantly. Sarah loves my entire family. She had a rough relationship with her family that I helped her fix and now it's as though we have traded places.

We have been married 3 years but I didn't tell my mom about it until last Dec. because I knew she didn't approve. My sister encouraged me to be honest and open with mom about marriage and baby so I wouldn't catch her off guard and cause her to have another stroke.

I cried the whole time telling her because I could see she was angry/upset/uncomfortable. I told her my fear that she wouldn't love our child and that she would push us away. She assured me while she doesn't honor our marriage, she will love our child as her grand baby even though Sarah will be having it since we are trying to get my PCOS under control.

When we lost our first and I told her she just said "I'll be praying." Then after that she never asked or if I bring up anything about trying, she changes the subject. I miss my mom. I miss being able to tell her everything and feel that love and connection. We still have it as long as it is nothing baby related. Makes me worried for the holidays. I really miss my mom.


10 medicated IUI's (3 with injectables). 
IUI #1 (medicated) Jan. 2013-BFP!!!!- Beta's didn't double, MTX shot for possible ectopic.
8 IUI's between April 13-April 14 = BFN 
IUI #10 and final before IVF, injectables May 2014- BFP!!!!  TWINS!!!!

7 week ultrasound showed 2 wonderful heartbeats!
8 weeks to the ER with vaginal bleeding while on vacations!  Diagnosed SubChorionic Hemorrhage.  Babies are both great.
9 week ultrasound showed both babies are still great.

Re: Parent venting

  • I'm really sorry to hear this and thanks for sharing your story with us. I don't have any similar experiences but I wanted to let you know that there are people here to listen. It sounds like you are doing the right thing and although it hurts it sounds like you have some great relationships with other family members. Hang on to those relationships.

    Queer coupled and having a BABY with the love of my life! Love my life and wouldn't have it any other way!
    First IUI 1/22/2013 BFN: 2/7/2013, Second IUI 2/21/2013 BFN: 3/9/2013, Third IUI 4/23/2013 BFN: 5/8/2013, Fourth IUI 5/24/2013 BFN: 6/7/2013, Fifth IUI 6/24/2013 BFN: 7/8/2013

    C began IUI's
    7/23/2013 C's first IUI BFN, 8/21/2013 C's second IUI BFN , Took a break in September and October, 11/05/2013 C's 3rd IUI (TWW...we meet again...) BFN, Took off the month to switch to an RE. 01/01/2014 C's 4th IUI...BFP!!!!!!!! Beta #1- 17, Beta #2- 34, Beta #3-140....  6W Ultra-Sound Reveals nothing in Gestation Sack... Natural M/C at 7W, 2/3/2014

    03/21/2014 IUI #10...BFP!!! Beta #1- 48, Beta #2- 416, Beta #3- 1018. GROW BABY GROW!!!

    1st Ultrasound 4/22/2014 Baby Squints is PERFECT! Measuring at 6w2d with a heartbeat of 129. EDD: 12/12/14.

    Ultrasound at 18 weeks on 7/14/2014. Baby is healthy and growing just as she should!

     

    Check out my blog at: http://journeytoparenthoodandmakingmilk.blogspot.com/

     

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  • I can sympathize with your situation a little.  My mom and I haven't always had a super close relationship because most of my life I was the "mother" and she was the one I had to watch over and take care of her.  But as I have gotten older she has gotten her act together mostly and I just grew to accept our roles in our relationship.  
    It was a shock to her and the rest of my family when I started dating my wife because I had always dated men, but been secretly interested in women.  My mom initially had reservations, but soon said she was accepting.  As time went on she would make inappropriate comments like "are you sticking with this whole lesbian thing?" or on our wedding day my mom said "could you do me a favor and when you two have kids you give birth to them because our family is more attractive then G's (my wife)."  She doesn't understand why these statements are so hurtful to me and my wife.  During the first few years of my wife's and I relationship we went through a rough patch.  My wife is a survivor of rape and I was by her side during the trial and the fallout after the guy was found not guilty.  Then there was the death of her step dad due to it all coming to light that he had sexually abused my wife and her younger siblings.  Super long story.  Anyway, we had a rough time.  My wife went thru a very rough time and so did I.  My mom wasn't used to seeing me emotional and I pretty much lost my shit and ended up losing my job.  So my mom blamed my wife and resented her for me being so hurt, and in the end very depressed.  So I say all of that to tell you that I understand when a parent or family member is critical of your spouse.  It strains the relationship with that person and it makes you guarded.  I no longer share personal things with my mom because I don't want her to use it against me or my wife.  I believe in therapy for everyone, but especially people with dysfunctional pasts.  So I went thru a lot of therapy and had to 'mourn' the mother that I once had and the mother that I wanted.  I had to accept my mom for the person that she is in my life now.  She is someone I love dearly, but she is no longer someone that I confide in.  I keep her at arms lengths as to not get hurt by her.  This is not an easy process and it is ongoing each day.  But that would be my advice to you.  Try and figure out how to close the chapter to the relationship that you once had with your mother.  Create a new relationship with her.  Your family (you and your wife) are the priority now and your future children.  That is your family now and everyone else is the extended family.  
    I hope my rambling is helpful.  I would say it is okay to hurt and process your emotions in a healthy way.  You have taken the right steps in acknowledging them and now is your time to move on from them.  
    T & G My wife and I married 9/10/11 in Niagara Falls, NY
    HSG 12/12/12        
    #1 ICI 12/15/12              BFN on 12/29/12
    #2 ICI  1/11/13                BFN 1/28/13                       
    #3 ICI 2/11/13                 BFN
                   
    #4 ICI August 2013,  Clomid 100mg    BFN on 8/30/13 
    #5 ICI September-Clomid 100,  mg ICI 8/15 and 8/16,  BFN on 9/3
    #6 ICI October-Clomid 150 mg for 5 days   BFN 10/27
    uterine laparoscopy on 11/14-no endo or cysts
    #7 IUI December-Clomid 150mg    BFP 12/21
    12/23 Beta 51     12/26 Beta 209!
    First ultrasound on January 8th 2014-great healthy heartbeat
    Second Ultrasound January 23 (8 weeks) we got to see and hear the heartbeat
    Third Ultrasound Feb 4th(10 weeks), then will  released to OBGYN'
    It's a GIRL!
    We welcomed Adalyn Cooper Elizabeth on 8/29/14
    She was 7lbs 11oz and 19.6 inches long

    Proud foster parents to two little girls ages 2.5 yrs old, M,  and 1 year old, K



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  • trisholio said:
    I can sympathize with your situation a little.  My mom and I haven't always had a super close relationship because most of my life I was the "mother" and she was the one I had to watch over and take care of her.  But as I have gotten older she has gotten her act together mostly and I just grew to accept our roles in our relationship.  
    It was a shock to her and the rest of my family when I started dating my wife because I had always dated men, but been secretly interested in women.  My mom initially had reservations, but soon said she was accepting.  As time went on she would make inappropriate comments like "are you sticking with this whole lesbian thing?" or on our wedding day my mom said "could you do me a favor and when you two have kids you give birth to them because our family is more attractive then G's (my wife)."  She doesn't understand why these statements are so hurtful to me and my wife.  During the first few years of my wife's and I relationship we went through a rough patch.  My wife is a survivor of rape and I was by her side during the trial and the fallout after the guy was found not guilty.  Then there was the death of her step dad due to it all coming to light that he had sexually abused my wife and her younger siblings.  Super long story.  Anyway, we had a rough time.  My wife went thru a very rough time and so did I.  My mom wasn't used to seeing me emotional and I pretty much lost my shit and ended up losing my job.  So my mom blamed my wife and resented her for me being so hurt, and in the end very depressed.  So I say all of that to tell you that I understand when a parent or family member is critical of your spouse.  It strains the relationship with that person and it makes you guarded.  I no longer share personal things with my mom because I don't want her to use it against me or my wife.  I believe in therapy for everyone, but especially people with dysfunctional pasts.  So I went thru a lot of therapy and had to 'mourn' the mother that I once had and the mother that I wanted.  I had to accept my mom for the person that she is in my life now.  She is someone I love dearly, but she is no longer someone that I confide in.  I keep her at arms lengths as to not get hurt by her.  This is not an easy process and it is ongoing each day.  But that would be my advice to you.  Try and figure out how to close the chapter to the relationship that you once had with your mother.  Create a new relationship with her.  Your family (you and your wife) are the priority now and your future children.  That is your family now and everyone else is the extended family.  
    I hope my rambling is helpful.  I would say it is okay to hurt and process your emotions in a healthy way.  You have taken the right steps in acknowledging them and now is your time to move on from them.  



    10 medicated IUI's (3 with injectables). 
    IUI #1 (medicated) Jan. 2013-BFP!!!!- Beta's didn't double, MTX shot for possible ectopic.
    8 IUI's between April 13-April 14 = BFN 
    IUI #10 and final before IVF, injectables May 2014- BFP!!!!  TWINS!!!!

    7 week ultrasound showed 2 wonderful heartbeats!
    8 weeks to the ER with vaginal bleeding while on vacations!  Diagnosed SubChorionic Hemorrhage.  Babies are both great.
    9 week ultrasound showed both babies are still great.
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