Can I join the veterans?

Irishlove16

Hey all, after reading some post over here and recognizing a ton of you, I think I may fit better over here. Do you guys mind if I join? My history is in my sig but I've been posting on the IF board for some time now and about to start FET #2 next week.

Mrs.McIrish

I'm sorry you are finding yourself here. However, one rule that we have that has to be enforced is that you don't ask to join just as you are starting a new cycle or in cycle. We want you to be successful but having a "new" person come here and get a BFP a few weeks later is hard on us. Hopefully you won't need us after your FET.

Irishlove16

Sorry, understandable. I will stay over at the IF board. I'm just not finding that I'm on the same level anymore after 2 years of TTC and 2 failed cycles and a miscarriage. I thought I would find more people on this board who can relate. As I had previously mentioned as well, a lot of the gals on this board I had been cycling with since my first IVF cycle.

Irishlove16

I'm sorry but I can't help but be a little offended by your response the more I think about it. What about the IF board and the people who go through their 1st cycle and get BFP and move on right away!? While others are getting BFN and starting 2nd or 3rd cycles? There's no such rule on that board so why should there be a rule on this board? As far as I understood the rule to join this board was 6 months of active posting and I'm way past that! Obviously I'm not thrilled that I feel the need for additional support to join the "veterans" board but here I am! I do need the additional support from people who have gone through more than one failed cycle like I have and are losing hope like I am. I'm sorry but these boards are to support one another. I have never been not excited for a fellow bumpie that gets a BFP! How could you!? They are here too going through this journey with us and I will never not be happy or not support someone who gets a BFP via IVF or IUI bc I'm jealous that I didn't get mine yet. My friends who don't have IF problems and get pregnant without trying- that's a different story! But not one of you. No way. So I'm sorry but I have been on the veterans board for not even a half a day and I'm sadden to not feel as welcomed as I was when I first joined the IF board. I think these rules should be a little less enforced on people who come over to you looking for a little more additional support.

PrettyAccountant

We are all sorry for any woman that feels the need to have to come here and no one understands the pain of another failed cycle while others are getting their BFP more than the vets here. Please try to understand it from this boards point of view - you come here and introduce yourself just to get your BFP a few weeks later. It is the pain and hurt of the IF board but now in our safe spot here on IFV. Imagine you were a member here and someone comes in here and a couple of weeks later gets that magical BFP. It hurts to see everyone get their dream but not you - it hurts even more when you don't "know" that person and they are posting their great news in what is supposed to be your safe area.
MrsMcirish was just pointing out a rule we have to keep this board safe - she wasn't trying to hurt or harm you in any way. I know it can seem that way when we tell you to come back if your cycle fails. We really do hope you get your BFP this cycle but will be here to support you if your cycle fails.
Wishing you luck.

jschwind22

::ticker::

Hi irishlove! I'm so sorry that you find yourself seeking the support that this board offers. When I first looked to come to this board, I thought the "not cycling" rule was silly. Then the more I thought about it, the more I understood it. It was so hard seeing the vast amounts of people come and go on the IF board. Sometimes more than 50% of posters in a single cycle group gets their BFP! Being part of several cycle groups and being left behind over and over was so hard. The "no cycle" rule is in place to protect the ladies here from that feeling. Had you asked to come here a couple months ago, you would have been welcomed with open arms. I do think it's fair to wait a month and see what the outcome of this FET is for you. I hope and pray to see you on PAIF instead of here, but I'm confident that you will be welcomed here after your cycle if you need to be. Sending lots of love and hugs your way!

Mrs.McIrish

Attacking me is not the best way to make your argument. I did not create the rule unilaterally. It was a board decision made a long time ago. There's no reason for you to be offended. Its not directed specifically to you. But to answer your question about how could I possibly not being happy for someone going through IF who gets a BFP? I left the IF board a long time ago as it is too hard to constantly see BFPs when all you ever get is bad news. I've been at this for 3.5 years and done 6 rounds of IVF plus 5 IUIs. I've used my eggs, donor eggs, had 2 polyp removal surgeries, had a m/c. I need to remove my ovaries. I've seen more people come and go than I can even count. People you cycled with that are now on their 2 or 3rd kid while you are still here. People who disappear as soon as they make into PAIF... I celebrate the successes of the people I've gotten to know over a long period of time.. All IF is not created equal and sadly a lot of women who come here stay for a long time. Some may call me bitter and most days I agree with that classification. I hope you never know the way I feel.

luvboston

For you to be able to say this: I have never been not excited for a fellow bumpie that gets a BFP! How could you!?

Shows that you are not ready to be here. The women on this board are if warriors they won't give up until they have tried everything and their journey is long, hard and most of all heartbreaking. When someone here gets a BFP which doesn't happen often enough there is a massive celebration because these people have been in the trenches for years they have climbed mountains its not the same as when you do one ivf and get a BFP. And it's ok for anyone here to feel bad if someone else gets a BFP because it stings and takes a tiny chunk out of your heart because yet again its not you.

I wish you luck this cycle but think of the pain that mcirish has had before casting stones.

liz4paws

I am really sorry but please be fair to McIrish here. I hope you'll understand as PP have said, there is a good reason this rule is in place. It's not a rule MrsMcIrish came up with, and it's definitely not about you. It's a rule the community decided upon together and we enforce to protect ourselves and one another.

This is one of the only safe places to deal with the incredibly difficult and isolating road that each of us are on. To have someone new join us to only watch them get a BFP a few weeks later and then gleefully move on isn't something we'd be happy about. I'm just being honest. It hurts having it waved in our face.

If god-forbid this cycle does not work for you, you meet all of the other rule requirements to join us and I assure you we'd welcome you with open arms. I really hope you don't end up being here because this time is it for you. That is my true wish for you!

Wishing you loads of luck.

chucktgirl

liz4paws said:

If god-forbid this cycle does not work for you, you meet all of the other rule requirements to join us and I assure you we'd welcome you with open arms. I really hope you don't end up being here because this time is it for you. That is my true wish for you!

Wishing you loads of luck.

^This, definitely, OP!

For the other ladies, where are the requirements for this board posted? I looked, but couldn't find them (I'm not always awesome with computers, so please forgive me!). I see at the top it says this: "Regardless of where you are in your journey, IF Veterans is a forum for those with an active (6 month+) history on the IF board and an established connection to the IF community (IF, PAIF, and SAIF). Support, compassion, and humor encouraged. This board deals with the emotional aspects of an extended IF history. Visit Infertility for general information and questions"
But I don't see where it says you can't join mid or pre cycle. I DO understand what all the ladies are saying... every BFP is bittersweet to me. I just was unaware of the rule because I don't see where it says that, and I don't remember it from the old descriptions. Aren't most of us pre-cycle in some stage or another? I hate it when bumpies are upset!

liz4paws

chucktgirl said:

  For the other ladies, where are the requirements for this board posted? I looked, but couldn't find them (I'm not always awesome with computers, so please forgive me!). I see at the top it says this: "Regardless of where you are in your journey, IF Veterans is a forum for those with an active (6 month+) history on the IF board and an established connection to the IF community (IF, PAIF, and SAIF). Support, compassion, and humor encouraged. This board deals with the emotional aspects of an extended IF history. Visit Infertility for general information and questions"
But I don't see where it says you can't join mid or pre cycle. I DO understand what all the ladies are saying... every BFP is bittersweet to me. I just was unaware of the rule because I don't see where it says that, and I don't remember it from the old descriptions. Aren't most of us pre-cycle in some stage or another? I hate it when bumpies are upset!

Hmm good question. I totally see your point as far as it not being posted and clear. To be honest, I don't think that this particular rule was ever posted, even on the previous bump format. I'm not sure where it belongs, but I agree - it's best to be transparent. Maybe we need to make a sticky post that lists our agreed-upon rules? That way if we ever vote to change them, we can just edit that post? I'm not sure how or even if we can edit the board description.

Anyone have any ideas here? But I agree, it needs to be somewhere to avoid the heartache.

Irishlove16

Where do I begin.... first and foremost, I did not mean to come off attacking Mrs. McIrish.  That was not my intention.  I came searching on the IFV board yesterday with tears in my eyes having a breakdown moment bc I just read like 5 recent posts about people getting BFB's on the IF board. As I had mentioned I was looking for additional support from people who have had similar journeys as I have.  Just like all of you, I am struggling after 2 years of TTC seeing people come and go from the IF board.  I actually miss a lot of the girls who I was close to that cycled with me a few times that have since moved onto PAIF.  I know the feeling of being left behind.  I didn't ask to join this board sooner than now because unfortunately after I got pregnant and lost the baby at 8 weeks and carried the fetus for another 3 weeks before being able to have the D&C, it took 2 months before my hcg level was finally negative.  So I took a break from the bump and now coming back to the IF board I see a lot of new people posting intros and BFP's and no one that I recognized and I felt lost.  So that's why coming on this board and recognizing some of you, I was looking for support for my upcoming cycle.  However, I will move back to the IF board for support. I am sorry if I offended you in any way that I got upset about your responses.  I am an emotional mess right now and struggling with losing hope and I took it personally and felt unwelcomed.

Irishlove16

Additionally, I wish you all the best with your journeys and I pray that you all get your miracle babies!

liz4paws

Irishlove16 said:

Where do I begin.... first and foremost, I did not mean to come off attacking Mrs. McIrish.  That was not my intention.  I came searching on the IFV board yesterday with tears in my eyes having a breakdown moment bc I just read like 5 recent posts about people getting BFB's on the IF board. As I had mentioned I was looking for additional support from people who have had similar journeys as I have.  Just like all of you, I am struggling after 2 years of TTC seeing people come and go from the IF board.  I actually miss a lot of the girls who I was close to that cycled with me a few times that have since moved onto PAIF.  I know the feeling of being left behind.  I didn't ask to join this board sooner than now because unfortunately after I got pregnant and lost the baby at 8 weeks and carried the fetus for another 3 weeks before being able to have the D&C, it took 2 months before my hcg level was finally negative.  So I took a break from the bump and now coming back to the IF board I see a lot of new people posting intros and BFP's and no one that I recognized and I felt lost.  So that's why coming on this board and recognizing some of you, I was looking for support for my upcoming cycle.  However, I will move back to the IF board for support. I am sorry if I offended you in any way that I got upset about your responses.  I am an emotional mess right now and struggling with losing hope and I took it personally and felt unwelcomed.

Sending you so many hugs. We've all been there. And I mean this from the bottom of my heart.... if for some awful reason you find yourself not pregnant, or (I hate even typing this, I just hate it but..) having miscarried again, please come back here.

I have been spending some time over on the IF board recently since I have an FET coming up too, and I'll keep a special eye out for you and will be sending prayers and love your way. I hope you are able to move on!

Irishlove16

Thank you Liz4paws!  I appreciate it..

Lacyj67

Good luck Irish! I too will be over on the IF board as well and cheering you on and be right with you in jan going through a cycle. Please don't take any of this to heart as the IfV boards is a very hard place to be for everyone here and hopefully you won't need to come here after your next successful cycle! But wil be so welcomed if need be!

Irishlove16

Thank you Lacy!

Irishlove16

Thank you chucktgirl. I appreciate you looking that up, you can see my confusion and why I was first upset. I def think you guys need to clarify this somehow to avoid both having to tell people about it and others like myself getting upset about finding out the rules when in a sensitive place looking for support.

jschwind22

liz4paws said:

chucktgirl said:

  For the other ladies, where are the requirements for this board posted? I looked, but couldn't find them (I'm not always awesome with computers, so please forgive me!). I see at the top it says this: "Regardless of where you are in your journey, IF Veterans is a forum for those with an active (6 month+) history on the IF board and an established connection to the IF community (IF, PAIF, and SAIF). Support, compassion, and humor encouraged. This board deals with the emotional aspects of an extended IF history. Visit Infertility for general information and questions"
But I don't see where it says you can't join mid or pre cycle. I DO understand what all the ladies are saying... every BFP is bittersweet to me. I just was unaware of the rule because I don't see where it says that, and I don't remember it from the old descriptions. Aren't most of us pre-cycle in some stage or another? I hate it when bumpies are upset!

Hmm good question. I totally see your point as far as it not being posted and clear. To be honest, I don't think that this particular rule was ever posted, even on the previous bump format. I'm not sure where it belongs, but I agree - it's best to be transparent. Maybe we need to make a sticky post that lists our agreed-upon rules? That way if we ever vote to change them, we can just edit that post? I'm not sure how or even if we can edit the board description.

Anyone have any ideas here? But I agree, it needs to be somewhere to avoid the heartache.

::ticker::

I think any mod can edit the description, but I could be wrong.  If we can figure out how to edit it, we could just add a sentence explaining that we ask any potential new member to not join if a new cycle is immanent.