"Over it?" — The Bump
Secondary IF

"Over it?"

I'm not in the 2ww yet (only CD9), but I've obvi been reading everyone's updates in the Tuesday post. I've noticed a common theme of being over this 2IF crap and considering being done. This is exactly where I am at, and am actually fairly certain this will be our last medicated IUI cycle. In 2.5yrs when MH finishes residency and we can actually afford IVF, if we still feel the desire to expand our family we'll go down that road. My DDs will be 8 and 6 at that point :/ I'm just so bitter that the last 2 years have been spent focusing on this when I could/should have been focusing on the kids I already have, kwim? I don't know how well I'll say this, but I'm almost as mad now that 2IF has turned me into this bitter/crabby/jealous person that I wasn't before, as I am mad that I don't have a baby. Like, if I'm not going to have a baby I wish I could go back and not have spent all this time trying so I would be the happier person I was. I know I'm mostly venting, so please feel free to hash out your feelings, too! 

Two DDs 10/08 and 08/10, no primary IF
TTC #3 since 10/2011 - dx unexplained/weak ovulation
 3 BFN clomid + TI cycles, 5 BFN clomid/gonal f IUIs, 1 mmc IUI
2/19/2014 IVF #1 Unexpected low E2 (oversuppressed) -> increased to max doses = 3 or 4 follicles, converting to IUI
BFFP Saw 1 beautiful heartbeat at 6w6d, follow up u/s at 9w showed mmc. Eff this.
NTNP 5/2014-9/2014, OPKs and TI 10/2014 - 1/2015. 
RPL testing all normal, AFC, AMH, and FSH all normal. 
IVF 1.2 1/22/2014 natural cycle start, AFC 28, 300 gonal f/150menopur. 
ER 2/3/15 14R 8M 3F w/ICSI Day 5 transfer on 2/8/15 of one "Grade A+" blast and have TWO frosties! 

 image

pettycrocker+SouthernMomma+kndeckarfreakyfast

Re: "Over it?"

  • Yea. I know exactly what you mean. We started trying when DD was still really little, and never had a reason to think it wouldn't "just happen" we were expecting 2 LO's really close in age- instead, month after month with perfect timing and doing everything "just right" we had nothing to show for it. Then I became even more fucking jaded when I got to the point of testing with the OB, going through months of testing with them, just to get an "unexplained" DX and a referral to a RE- then again, more testing and NO ANSWERS, everything is perfectly fine with both of us, shit just isn't connecting for some reason, and you're 1000% right, if I knew back then it just wasn't going to happen, I would have relished in those "little baby" months that fly by so quickly, and I feel like I missed out on, because I was so worried about TTC, and wanting to get "this stage" of our lives over with. 

    I had this idea, that we would have at least 3 kids, before I turn 35 so that meant I didn't have a lot of time to space them out.... Now we're going on 21 cycles TTC, and nothing. 

    Sorry I didn't mean to come in and take over, I just feel like I can relate to this so much! This shit is so frustrating, you don't know what to think or feel most of the time. I feel like I'm in a constant "gray" wanting and hoping things will connect, but in the back of my mind I feel like it's not even reasonable try to positive at this stage! It's just so goddamned frustrating! 


    I know what this thread needs: camp fire, and marshmallows. 

    #NEEDSMOARMARSHMALLOWS. 


    Spontaneous pregnancy #1
    DD1 July 31, 2011

    Trying for #2 since Oct 11
    732973 Clomid Cycles
    2 IUIs 
    3 Fresh IVFs= 1 Ectopic treated with MTX
    Spontaneous pregnancy #2= Ectopic #2= lost left tube
    Spontaneous pregnancy #3= DD2 January 29, 2016
    Spontaneous pregnancy #4= Ectopic #3
    Spontaneous pregnancy #5= Baby #3 is a BOY!!! 



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    freakyfastCheesyPeas
  • Wow you ladies took the words right out of my mouth! I can completely relate to what you both are saying. I honestly think that if I didn't have DD I would be more willing to give up. I could change my course & focus my life on something else for a while. Of course I WANT another baby terribly, but I want her to have a sibling more than I want another baby if that makes sense. She comes first in everything and I hate that she has to suffer because I can't get pregnant & am bitter over it all the time...
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  • I have pretty much said from the beginning (about 6mo into TTC#2) that each month as much as I wanted a BFP...I "just wanted to know" if we would ever have another baby.  If the answer was NO...I could live with that and just enjoy my child that I was blessed to have...I just want to KNOW!!
    kndeckar
  • Agreed. I'm one of those in the 2WW that is totally jaded. I really don't think I'll even test. I haven't been obsessively looking up symptoms, or what day I'm on, or when I can test like I normally do. Last month I was SO hopeful bc of different symptoms, and I was letdown BIG TIME. I just don't want to suffer that heartbreak anymore. Not to mention I become a walking nightmare the day my pd does come. It's not fair to any of us.
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  • Agreed. I'm one of those in the 2WW that is totally jaded. I really don't think I'll even test. I haven't been obsessively looking up symptoms, or what day I'm on, or when I can test like I normally do. Last month I was SO hopeful bc of different symptoms, and I was letdown BIG TIME. I just don't want to suffer that heartbreak anymore. Not to mention I become a walking nightmare the day my pd does come. It's not fair to any of us.
    This - word for word, for me. I feel SO stupid for getting my hopes up last month! I went as far as calling my aunt and telling her I really really thought I was having implantation bleeding, but nope. It wasn't. Just AF robbing me of my 2ww. :(  I haven't pee'd on shit this month, I don't even know what day im on and I don't even care anymore. UGHHH im so aggravated -_-
  • I'm so sorry everyone is feeling so down. I know how you all feel. I want to give my lovely ladies (((HUGS)))
    xoxo



      


    [Deleted User]
  • I was actually thinking about this about 3 weeks ago when we transferred to a new RE. I was embarrassed by my actions (yes, I'm pretty hard on myself) and have made changes to make things better for everyone. This weekend was a set back for me because it was my DD's 3rd birthday and I wanted everything to be perfect. Of course, having a bunch of 3 year olds running around will never equal "perfect."

    I completely understand your POV. This time with my family is precious and each day to be treasured. And that is perfect.

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    Don't hump it, Love it! 

    Happily married since Feb 2010, Sweet DD born Oct 2010, 39 years old, blocked tube, low . 09 AMH and high 21 FSH

    It's not him, it's me!

    September 2013 failed IUI - left blocked tube

    November 2013 IVF - premature ovulation converted to IUI 

    December 2013 "We were <are> on a break!!!" ~ Friends homage

     

    November 2013 protocol: Menopur, Gonal-f RFF Pen 900, Ganirelix 250mcg, baby Asprin, Gonal-f RFF Pen 300, Z Pak, Novarel, Progestrone in Sesame Oil

     

  • We are almost at that point too. It helps right now that we have a plan since I really like plans, but being done with treatment actually isn't that far away, which is scary. I can't imagine not trying after trying so long. And there is the question of whether to actually prevent? If you are not preventing, how do you turn of TTC mode and not count the days and continue to hope each month? I hate the unknown. I also hate how bitter and jealous 2IF has made me. I don't want to be that person. I am just so grateful for DS and hope this process hasn't affected him too much. 

    DS born Jan 2010

    TTC#2 since Nov 2010 with breaks for DH cancer tx (remission!)

    Tube with hydro removed Feb 2013

    BFP 11/11/13 IUI#2 clomid+trigger+prometrium

    Beta #1 14dpIUI=106; Beta #2 16dpIUI=287; Beta #3 20dpIUI=1158

    5w6d 1 hb 109 and 2nd smaller sac; 7w0d 1 hb 125 and confirmed vanishing twin

    BabyFruit Ticker
    breeanne1974kndeckar
  • Jen071407Jen071407
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Second Anniversary Photogenic
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    edited October 2013
     
     if I knew back then it just wasn't going to happen, I would have relished in those "little baby" months that fly by so quickly, and I feel like I missed out on, because I was so worried about TTC, and wanting to get "this stage" of our lives over with.  

    I know what this thread needs: camp fire, and marshmallows. 

    #NEEDSMOARMARSHMALLOWS. 
    Exactly. I feel like I've had blinders on for the last 2 years and was oblivious to wonderful things happening right in front of me. Talk about guilt for being selfish/self-absorbed.  Bring on the marshmallows! Heck, grab a Hershey bar and some graham crackers and let's make s'mores!

     
    bcw2009 said:
    I have pretty much said from the beginning (about 6mo into TTC#2) that each month as much as I wanted a BFP...I "just wanted to know" if we would ever have another baby.  If the answer was NO...I could live with that and just enjoy my child that I was blessed to have...I just want to KNOW!!
    Yes, yes, yes! Where is my freaking 8 ball?!? 

    @gator_bride07 and @+southernmomma+ Right there with you on the hopeful last cycle craziness. I'm thinking I'm going to steer clear of poas (or at least try really, really hard!) this cycle. 

    We are almost at that point too. It helps right now that we have a plan since I really like plans, but being done with treatment actually isn't that far away, which is scary. I can't imagine not trying after trying so long. And there is the question of whether to actually prevent? If you are not preventing, how do you turn of TTC mode and not count the days and continue to hope each month? I hate the unknown. I also hate how bitter and jealous 2IF has made me. I don't want to be that person. I am just so grateful for DS and hope this process hasn't affected him too much. 
    So much of what you said is going through my head right now, too, in regards to "turning off" ttc mode if we don't prevent. Like that's even possible! 

    Two DDs 10/08 and 08/10, no primary IF
    TTC #3 since 10/2011 - dx unexplained/weak ovulation
     3 BFN clomid + TI cycles, 5 BFN clomid/gonal f IUIs, 1 mmc IUI
    2/19/2014 IVF #1 Unexpected low E2 (oversuppressed) -> increased to max doses = 3 or 4 follicles, converting to IUI
    BFFP Saw 1 beautiful heartbeat at 6w6d, follow up u/s at 9w showed mmc. Eff this.
    NTNP 5/2014-9/2014, OPKs and TI 10/2014 - 1/2015. 
    RPL testing all normal, AFC, AMH, and FSH all normal. 
    IVF 1.2 1/22/2014 natural cycle start, AFC 28, 300 gonal f/150menopur. 
    ER 2/3/15 14R 8M 3F w/ICSI Day 5 transfer on 2/8/15 of one "Grade A+" blast and have TWO frosties! 

     image

  • I actually just had this convo with DH tonight.  We haven't been TTC #3 long, but we have a very large hiatus between this m/c and when we start IVF2.  I can totally relate to just about everything you mentioned, magic 8 ball included.  I mention that to my husband weekly at least.  Well that and that I want a crystal ball for Christmas :)   I'm trying to re-focus during this gap and hopefully I'll have a better outlook.  I'm really sorry this journey has been so difficult.  Big hugs. 
    B/G twins born 3.22.11
    TTC #3
    M/C 10.26.13 @ 6w2d
     
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  •  
    So much of what you said is going through my head right now, too, in regards to "turning off" ttc mode if we don't prevent. Like that's even possible! 
    I agree! My cycles are pretty regular so I feel like I will always know about when it is time so unless we decide to prevent, I think we will always be somewhat trying. I am worried that will continue the hope/depression cycles so at some point I guess we just have to decide we are completely one and done. I just don't know when that will be. Preventing would be so hard since we really wanted a bigger family, and being unexplained makes me feel like it could still happen.

    DS born Jan 2010

    TTC#2 since Nov 2010 with breaks for DH cancer tx (remission!)

    Tube with hydro removed Feb 2013

    BFP 11/11/13 IUI#2 clomid+trigger+prometrium

    Beta #1 14dpIUI=106; Beta #2 16dpIUI=287; Beta #3 20dpIUI=1158

    5w6d 1 hb 109 and 2nd smaller sac; 7w0d 1 hb 125 and confirmed vanishing twin

    BabyFruit Ticker
  • Last cycle I was feeling this way and extremely frustrated. Now as we are awaiting DH's SA results, I am still doing my best I can to "make a baby".  I am sure once we get the results, it will effect how I feel. If he does have something wrong, I will try to figure out how to fix it so we can make a baby and if he doesn't, then I guess I will just be even more frustrated.

    I do want a baby for myself, but as PPs said, more than anything I want to give DD a sibling that she has been talking about for 2 years now.  And I want to give a child to my husband, as he doesn't have a biological child of his own.  If DD wasn't so obsessed with a sibling and DH didn't want a child, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. But it is. I feel like I'm letting them down.


    BFP #1 ended in MMC. Discovered Oct 2005 @10w5d, baby stopped growing around 6w. D&C.
    BFP#2 Nov 2005. Baby's heart stopped @ 8w3d. D&C Jan 2006. Trisomy 18
    BFP#3 Nov 2006. My "miracle baby" DD born 7/25/07
    BFP #4 11/6/12. EDD 7/16/13~my birthday! No sac found @ 5w1d, betas not increasing. Natural m/c started 11/20/12.

    BFP#5 11/9/13.  EDD 7/21/14  Our beautiful rainbow born on his due date!!

  • @Amores0121 you hit another sensitive point...letting DH down. My DH is absolutely amazing and supportive during all of this, but there's a little nasty voice in the back of my head thinking, "bet he wishes he had a wife who's body worked." Eff you, little voice! 

    Two DDs 10/08 and 08/10, no primary IF
    TTC #3 since 10/2011 - dx unexplained/weak ovulation
     3 BFN clomid + TI cycles, 5 BFN clomid/gonal f IUIs, 1 mmc IUI
    2/19/2014 IVF #1 Unexpected low E2 (oversuppressed) -> increased to max doses = 3 or 4 follicles, converting to IUI
    BFFP Saw 1 beautiful heartbeat at 6w6d, follow up u/s at 9w showed mmc. Eff this.
    NTNP 5/2014-9/2014, OPKs and TI 10/2014 - 1/2015. 
    RPL testing all normal, AFC, AMH, and FSH all normal. 
    IVF 1.2 1/22/2014 natural cycle start, AFC 28, 300 gonal f/150menopur. 
    ER 2/3/15 14R 8M 3F w/ICSI Day 5 transfer on 2/8/15 of one "Grade A+" blast and have TWO frosties! 

     image

  • Jen071407 said:
    @Amores0121 you hit another sensitive point...letting DH down. My DH is absolutely amazing and supportive during all of this, but there's a little nasty voice in the back of my head thinking, "bet he wishes he had a wife who's body worked." Eff you, little voice! 

    I think this ALL the time too. =((



      


  • You ladies said a lot of the same things I have been going through. I put a lot of added pressure on myself. The fact is that DD already has a sibling, she just happens to live in heaven. DH doesn't always understand the guilt that I have about that. Not that I could have done anything different to have saved her, it is that I feel like a lot of times this is all on me.

    BFP #1 12.24.07 - DD born @ 39w1d on 08.26.08
    BFP #2 08.04.11 - DD born still @ 37w3d on 03.25.12

    Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers

    --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

    TTC #3 since May 2012

    BFP #3 12.29.12 - CP @ 4w2d on 01.02.13
    BFP #4 10.17.13 - CP @ 4w2d on 10.23.13

    BFP #5 04.06.14 - MMC 05.07.14

    No longer trying to conceive.

    image    http://oi40.tinypic.com/15czrid.jpg     image

  • kndeckar said:

    Wow you ladies took the words right out of my mouth! I can completely relate to what you both are saying. I honestly think that if I didn't have DD I would be more willing to give up. I could change my course & focus my life on something else for a while. Of course I WANT another baby terribly, but I want her to have a sibling more than I want another baby if that makes sense. She comes first in everything and I hate that she has to suffer because I can't get pregnant & am bitter over it all the time...


    I agree with this!!! Everyone recommends getting a hobby, go on a trip, spend time with your SO all of which is hard with a LO. I feel like it would be easier to walk away if I could pick up a hobby or go on a fancy trip. Plus I really want DS to have a sibling. The worst is when we are out and he just stares at other kids.
  • I won't say I'm over it quite yet, but I looked at my DD this morning and thought, why do I continue to do this to myself?! Then she gave me a hug and a kiss and I remembered.

    image
    Married August 9, 2008
    TTC Since September 2009

    1st   BFP | EDD 10/23/10 | Natural M/C 03/27/10 | 10w 0d
    2nd BFP 06/26/10 | EDD 02/25/11 | Natural  M/C 07/17/10 | 8w 1d
    3rd  BFP 12/17/10 | EDD 08/24/11 | Natural M/C 12/31/10 | 7w 4d
    4th  BFP 06/22/11 | EDD 02/25/12 | M/C D&C on 07/27/11 | 9w4d
    5th  BFP 09/17/11 | DD Paige Lily born 05/16/12
    6th  BFP 08/11/12 | EDD 04/11/13 | CP
    7th  BFP 09/29/13 | EDD 06/04/14 | Natural M/C 10/27/13 | 8w1d
    8th  BFP 12/16/13 | EDD 09/01/14

    DX: Pericentric Inversion of Chromosome 8 & compound heterozygous for MTHFR mutations
    RX: Lovenox/Heparin & Folgard

    image

    [Deleted User]
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