"Over it?"

Jen071407 · October 2013

I'm not in the 2ww yet (only CD9), but I've obvi been reading everyone's updates in the Tuesday post. I've noticed a common theme of being over this 2IF crap and considering being done. This is exactly where I am at, and am actually fairly certain this will be our last medicated IUI cycle. In 2.5yrs when MH finishes residency and we can actually afford IVF, if we still feel the desire to expand our family we'll go down that road. My DDs will be 8 and 6 at that point

I'm just so bitter that the last 2 years have been spent focusing on this when I could/should have been focusing on the kids I already have, kwim? I don't know how well I'll say this, but I'm almost as mad now that 2IF has turned me into this bitter/crabby/jealous person that I wasn't before, as I am mad that I don't have a baby. Like, if I'm not going to have a baby I wish I could go back and not have spent all this time trying so I would be the happier person I was. I know I'm mostly venting, so please feel free to hash out your feelings, too!

pettycrocker · October 2013

Yea. I know exactly what you mean. We started trying when DD was still really little, and never had a reason to think it wouldn't "just happen" we were expecting 2 LO's really close in age- instead, month after month with perfect timing and doing everything "just right" we had nothing to show for it. Then I became even more fucking jaded when I got to the point of testing with the OB, going through months of testing with them, just to get an "unexplained" DX and a referral to a RE- then again, more testing and NO ANSWERS, everything is perfectly fine with both of us, shit just isn't connecting for some reason, and you're 1000% right, if I knew back then it just wasn't going to happen, I would have relished in those "little baby" months that fly by so quickly, and I feel like I missed out on, because I was so worried about TTC, and wanting to get "this stage" of our lives over with.

I had this idea, that we would have at least 3 kids, before I turn 35 so that meant I didn't have a lot of time to space them out.... Now we're going on 21 cycles TTC, and nothing.

Sorry I didn't mean to come in and take over, I just feel like I can relate to this so much! This shit is so frustrating, you don't know what to think or feel most of the time. I feel like I'm in a constant "gray" wanting and hoping things will connect, but in the back of my mind I feel like it's not even reasonable try to positive at this stage! It's just so goddamned frustrating!

I know what this thread needs: camp fire, and marshmallows.

#NEEDSMOARMARSHMALLOWS.

kndeckar · October 2013

Wow you ladies took the words right out of my mouth! I can completely relate to what you both are saying. I honestly think that if I didn't have DD I would be more willing to give up. I could change my course & focus my life on something else for a while. Of course I WANT another baby terribly, but I want her to have a sibling more than I want another baby if that makes sense. She comes first in everything and I hate that she has to suffer because I can't get pregnant & am bitter over it all the time...

bcw2009 · October 2013

I have pretty much said from the beginning (about 6mo into TTC#2) that each month as much as I wanted a BFP...I "just wanted to know" if we would ever have another baby. If the answer was NO...I could live with that and just enjoy my child that I was blessed to have...I just want to KNOW!!

Gator_Bride07 · October 2013

Agreed. I'm one of those in the 2WW that is totally jaded. I really don't think I'll even test. I haven't been obsessively looking up symptoms, or what day I'm on, or when I can test like I normally do. Last month I was SO hopeful bc of different symptoms, and I was letdown BIG TIME. I just don't want to suffer that heartbreak anymore. Not to mention I become a walking nightmare the day my pd does come. It's not fair to any of us.

+SouthernMomma+ · October 2013

Gator_Bride07 said:

Agreed. I'm one of those in the 2WW that is totally jaded. I really don't think I'll even test. I haven't been obsessively looking up symptoms, or what day I'm on, or when I can test like I normally do. Last month I was SO hopeful bc of different symptoms, and I was letdown BIG TIME. I just don't want to suffer that heartbreak anymore. Not to mention I become a walking nightmare the day my pd does come. It's not fair to any of us.

This - word for word, for me. I feel SO stupid for getting my hopes up last month! I went as far as calling my aunt and telling her I really really thought I was having implantation bleeding, but nope. It wasn't. Just AF robbing me of my 2ww.

I haven't pee'd on shit this month, I don't even know what day im on and I don't even care anymore. UGHHH im so aggravated -_-

freakyfast · October 2013

I'm so sorry everyone is feeling so down. I know how you all feel. I want to give my lovely ladies (((HUGS)))
xoxo

breeanne1974 · October 2013

I was actually thinking about this about 3 weeks ago when we transferred to a new RE. I was embarrassed by my actions (yes, I'm pretty hard on myself) and have made changes to make things better for everyone. This weekend was a set back for me because it was my DD's 3rd birthday and I wanted everything to be perfect. Of course, having a bunch of 3 year olds running around will never equal "perfect."

I completely understand your POV. This time with my family is precious and each day to be treasured. And that is perfect.

AlmostWright · October 2013

We are almost at that point too. It helps right now that we have a plan since I really like plans, but being done with treatment actually isn't that far away, which is scary. I can't imagine not trying after trying so long. And there is the question of whether to actually prevent? If you are not preventing, how do you turn of TTC mode and not count the days and continue to hope each month? I hate the unknown. I also hate how bitter and jealous 2IF has made me. I don't want to be that person. I am just so grateful for DS and hope this process hasn't affected him too much.

Jen071407 · October 2013

Mrs Castillo said:

if I knew back then it just wasn't going to happen, I would have relished in those "little baby" months that fly by so quickly, and I feel like I missed out on, because I was so worried about TTC, and wanting to get "this stage" of our lives over with.

I know what this thread needs: camp fire, and marshmallows.

#NEEDSMOARMARSHMALLOWS.

Exactly. I feel like I've had blinders on for the last 2 years and was oblivious to wonderful things happening right in front of me. Talk about guilt for being selfish/self-absorbed. Bring on the marshmallows! Heck, grab a Hershey bar and some graham crackers and let's make s'mores!

bcw2009 said:

I have pretty much said from the beginning (about 6mo into TTC#2) that each month as much as I wanted a BFP...I "just wanted to know" if we would ever have another baby. If the answer was NO...I could live with that and just enjoy my child that I was blessed to have...I just want to KNOW!!

Yes, yes, yes! Where is my freaking 8 ball?!?

@gator_bride07 and @+southernmomma+ Right there with you on the hopeful last cycle craziness. I'm thinking I'm going to steer clear of poas (or at least try really, really hard!) this cycle.

AlmostWright said:

We are almost at that point too. It helps right now that we have a plan since I really like plans, but being done with treatment actually isn't that far away, which is scary. I can't imagine not trying after trying so long. And there is the question of whether to actually prevent? If you are not preventing, how do you turn of TTC mode and not count the days and continue to hope each month? I hate the unknown. I also hate how bitter and jealous 2IF has made me. I don't want to be that person. I am just so grateful for DS and hope this process hasn't affected him too much.

So much of what you said is going through my head right now, too, in regards to "turning off" ttc mode if we don't prevent. Like that's even possible!

MommaInNC · October 2013

I actually just had this convo with DH tonight. We haven't been TTC #3 long, but we have a very large hiatus between this m/c and when we start IVF2. I can totally relate to just about everything you mentioned, magic 8 ball included. I mention that to my husband weekly at least. Well that and that I want a crystal ball for Christmas

I'm trying to re-focus during this gap and hopefully I'll have a better outlook. I'm really sorry this journey has been so difficult. Big hugs.

AlmostWright · October 2013

So much of what you said is going through my head right now, too, in regards to "turning off" ttc mode if we don't prevent. Like that's even possible!

I agree! My cycles are pretty regular so I feel like I will always know about when it is time so unless we decide to prevent, I think we will always be somewhat trying. I am worried that will continue the hope/depression cycles so at some point I guess we just have to decide we are completely one and done. I just don't know when that will be. Preventing would be so hard since we really wanted a bigger family, and being unexplained makes me feel like it could still happen.

Amores0121 · October 2013

Last cycle I was feeling this way and extremely frustrated. Now as we are awaiting DH's SA results, I am still doing my best I can to "make a baby". I am sure once we get the results, it will effect how I feel. If he does have something wrong, I will try to figure out how to fix it so we can make a baby and if he doesn't, then I guess I will just be even more frustrated.

I do want a baby for myself, but as PPs said, more than anything I want to give DD a sibling that she has been talking about for 2 years now. And I want to give a child to my husband, as he doesn't have a biological child of his own. If DD wasn't so obsessed with a sibling and DH didn't want a child, it wouldn't be as big of a deal. But it is. I feel like I'm letting them down.

Jen071407 · October 2013

@Amores0121 you hit another sensitive point...letting DH down. My DH is absolutely amazing and supportive during all of this, but there's a little nasty voice in the back of my head thinking, "bet he wishes he had a wife who's body worked." Eff you, little voice!

freakyfast · October 2013

Jen071407 said:

@Amores0121 you hit another sensitive point...letting DH down. My DH is absolutely amazing and supportive during all of this, but there's a little nasty voice in the back of my head thinking, "bet he wishes he had a wife who's body worked." Eff you, little voice!

I think this ALL the time too. =((

tuscanbride2007 · October 2013

You ladies said a lot of the same things I have been going through. I put a lot of added pressure on myself. The fact is that DD already has a sibling, she just happens to live in heaven. DH doesn't always understand the guilt that I have about that. Not that I could have done anything different to have saved her, it is that I feel like a lot of times this is all on me.

tache · October 2013

kndeckar said:
Wow you ladies took the words right out of my mouth! I can completely relate to what you both are saying. I honestly think that if I didn't have DD I would be more willing to give up. I could change my course & focus my life on something else for a while. Of course I WANT another baby terribly, but I want her to have a sibling more than I want another baby if that makes sense. She comes first in everything and I hate that she has to suffer because I can't get pregnant & am bitter over it all the time...

I agree with this!!! Everyone recommends getting a hobby, go on a trip, spend time with your SO all of which is hard with a LO. I feel like it would be easier to walk away if I could pick up a hobby or go on a fancy trip. Plus I really want DS to have a sibling. The worst is when we are out and he just stares at other kids.

chusum · October 2013

I won't say I'm over it quite yet, but I looked at my DD this morning and thought, why do I continue to do this to myself?! Then she gave me a hug and a kiss and I remembered.

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