thank you card

HisChamaoleGirl

Background: My family has completely accepted SS into our family and BM has even met and allowed my mother to be the escort for visitation transportation. My parents send SS birthday and holiday cards and gifts. That being said, BM has my mother's contact information.

Just recently my mother subscribed each of her grandchildren to Highlights magazine. With the first magazine came a card from my mother with a personal message to SS. How do I know this? Because BM text a picture of the card to DH and DH showed it to me. DH responded to BMs text suggesting SS send my parents a thank you card. BM said "you do it."

Is it unreasonable to think that an almost ten year old can send a thank you note or make a phone call for a gift he received? I mean if BM can go as far as messaging DH, why cant she thank the gift giver directly?

Hopeforthebest

Honestly, if our BM was that gracious I would provide the card/postage and send to SS and ask him to fill it out and send (so it was his handwriting).

twister22

Hopeforthebest said:

Honestly, if our BM was that gracious I would provide the card/postage and send to SS and ask him to fill it out and send (so it was his handwriting).

This. If BM is unwilling to have SS do this on her time, then do this, and then ask that SS call DH when the card w/ postage is received. While on the phone with SS have him fill out the card and then walk it out to the mailbox.

It's seriously ridiculous that BM can't just have him do it herself though.

KTdidit

twister22 said:

Hopeforthebest said:

Honestly, if our BM was that gracious I would provide the card/postage and send to SS and ask him to fill it out and send (so it was his handwriting).

This. If BM is unwilling to have SS do this on her time, then do this, and then ask that SS call DH when the card w/ postage is received. While on the phone with SS have him fill out the card and then walk it out to the mailbox.

It's seriously ridiculous that BM can't just have him do it herself though.

All of this. It is completely ridiculous that BM won't have SS write a thank you note. And that was very nice of your mother to include SS.

ambrvan

No excuses, just a different thought...

Maybe BM doesn't "do" thank you cards in general. I don't either. I thank people in person, on the phone, etc, but I don't send thank you notes. Goodness, it took me two months to even start on thank you notes from my wedding and there were only a handful to do. And I only did them because my grandmother wouldn't leave me alone on the phone until she knew I had done them. Lol. I had called everyone and thanked them, but I didn't see the need to write a note.

Now, I can understand how in your situation with living far apart from SS, it might be more appropriate to send a card. But it seriously may not have dawned on BM that a thank you note is necessary to a family member. I would ask SS to call her and thank her that way or, as someone suggested, have him write it on the phone with H and then put it in the mailbox himself.

But I do agree that given your H already suggested the idea, it seems petty that BM won't push it. I mean, a 10yo boy is not going to do something like that himself.

JessH1474

We go through this as well.  My grandparents send packages every holiday, they send one to our house for the girls and one to BM's house for SS, since we only have him EOWE.  I am big on thank you cards or personal calls to thank people, BM has never and will never do either.  We are going on 12 years of this and never once has she had SS respond to anything he's received while at her house.  When he was younger, I would have him do a thank you card the next time he was at our house and mail it from there.  Now that he's older and has his own cell phone, I will text him and remind him that he needs to call and thank them once the package is received and he always does.  I would just start doing your own thing and remind SS that it is important when he gets something to thank the person who's given it to him whether by phone, in person or with a thank you card.  He'll catch on eventually and will do it on his own.

CurlieWhirlie

I have to agree with @ambrvan, I have been told by (former) in-laws *not* to send thank-you cards because we were family, and maybe that's the way it is in BM's family. 

However, *some* kind of thank-you is in order! If BM took the time to send a picture to your DH, she should have done the same with your mother and included a "this is so great, thanks!" text. For crying out loud.

Alternatively, since SS is 10, she could have had him call your mom to say thanks over the phone. It could have been done in 5 minutes.

HisChamaoleGirl

ambrvan said:

No excuses, just a different thought...

Maybe BM doesn't "do" thank you cards in general. I don't either. I thank people in person, on the phone, etc, but I don't send thank you notes. Goodness, it took me two months to even start on thank you notes from my wedding and there were only a handful to do. And I only did them because my grandmother wouldn't leave me alone on the phone until she knew I had done them. Lol. I had called everyone and thanked them, but I didn't see the need to write a note.

Now, I can understand how in your situation with living far apart from SS, it might be more appropriate to send a card. But it seriously may not have dawned on BM that a thank you note is necessary to a family member. I would ask SS to call her and thank her that way or, as someone suggested, have him write it on the phone with H and then put it in the mailbox himself.

But I do agree that given your H already suggested the idea, it seems petty that BM won't push it. I mean, a 10yo boy is not going to do something like that himself.

It doesn't have to be a thank you card but a phone call or text to the person who gifted the item seems more appropriate than sending DH a text. If she can go as far as messaging DH, messaging my parents (who's info she has) shouldn't be that far fetched of an idea.

Lavender P

I write thank you cards for everything including over 150 for our wedding. However I do know that others may not find them to be a big deal. If this is the case with BM, then the least she could so is have SS call your mom to say thank you. Whether thank you cards are outdated or not, appreciation for the things people give you is too important to just let slide.

coopsbaby

HisChamaoleGirl said:

No excuses, just a different thought... Maybe BM doesn't "do" thank you cards in general. I don't either. I thank people in person, on the phone, etc, but I don't send thank you notes. Goodness, it took me two months to even start on thank you notes from my wedding and there were only a handful to do. And I only did them because my grandmother wouldn't leave me alone on the phone until she knew I had done them. Lol. I had called everyone and thanked them, but I didn't see the need to write a note. Now, I can understand how in your situation with living far apart from SS, it might be more appropriate to send a card. But it seriously may not have dawned on BM that a thank you note is necessary to a family member. I would ask SS to call her and thank her that way or, as someone suggested, have him write it on the phone with H and then put it in the mailbox himself. But I do agree that given your H already suggested the idea, it seems petty that BM won't push it. I mean, a 10yo boy is not going to do something like that himself.

It doesn't have to be a thank you card but a phone call or text to the person who gifted the item seems more appropriate than sending DH a text. If she can go as far as messaging DH, messaging my parents (who's info she has) shouldn't be that far fetched of an idea.

Agreed. My family has always been big on thank you cards, but we don't do them for family. My kids had damn well better call family and thank them when they get a gift in the mail though. My dd got a bday gift in the mail from my sister the other day, first thing I made her do was call her aunt and say thanks. Today she got one in the mail from her brother. When she gets home from school she's going to call or text him and tell him thanks. It's common courtesy, plus the giver needs to know their gift has been received, and not lost in the mail. Unfortunately, it looks like you'll have to be the one to teach your ss such things!

Ilumine

Here's the thing, thank you cards are still used by many people around the world, especially in business settings.

If you do not instill proper etiquette in your children, even amongst family, you do them a great disservice. 

As an HR manager, my husband would more than likely not choose a candidate that did not do the "thank you for our interview" card.  

Honestly, I do expect thank you cards for gifts, even family members.  I went to a lot of trouble thinking up and finding and sending, even if its just sitting on line) the right gift. Because the work I put into earning the money to provide said gift is worth more than an half-assed email or aside phone call.  

And in our household, no thank you cards means no more gifts.  SD has not received a gift from my parents in 2 years because she could not be bothered to do more than send a FB thanks.  SS is one lack of thank you card away.  And I have not bothered to send my husband's niece and nephew a gift in 3 years.  Hell, they couldn't be bothered to even let DH know they received the gifts. 

So what I would do is send SS a pre-addressed and stamped thank you card for him to fill out and put in the mail.  And I would let him know that if he does not show proper appreciation for someone's thoughtfulness, then he doesn't really need said gifts anymore. 

But that is just the response from someone who doesn't let her daughter play with her new toys until she (the child) writes/colors a picture of thanks. 

twister22

Ilumine said:

Here's the thing, thank you cards are still used by many people around the world, especially in business settings.

If you do not instill proper etiquette in your children, even amongst family, you do them a great disservice. 

As an HR manager, my husband would more than likely not choose a candidate that did not do the "thank you for our interview" card.  

Honestly, I do expect thank you cards for gifts, even family members.  I went to a lot of trouble thinking up and finding and sending, even if its just sitting on line) the right gift. Because the work I put into earning the money to provide said gift is worth more than an half-assed email or aside phone call.  

And in our household, no thank you cards means no more gifts.  SD has not received a gift from my parents in 2 years because she could not be bothered to do more than send a FB thanks.  SS is one lack of thank you card away.  And I have not bothered to send my husband's niece and nephew a gift in 3 years.  Hell, they couldn't be bothered to even let DH know they received the gifts. 

So what I would do is send SS a pre-addressed and stamped thank you card for him to fill out and put in the mail.  And I would let him know that if he does not show proper appreciation for someone's thoughtfulness, then he doesn't really need said gifts anymore. 

But that is just the response from someone who doesn't let her daughter play with her new toys until she (the child) writes/colors a picture of thanks. 

I completely agree with this. For DS's birthday I wrote out the thank you cards, then had him sign his name and draw a picture. He complained at first, and then I explained to him that someone gave him a nice present, and the very least he could do is write them a thank you card. I said that if he didn't want to do the thank you cards, then he wouldn't get the gifts.

+just+j+

When I was old enough to write, I wrote thank you's.  My nieces at age SIX started writing thank you's.

He can do it.  Now that you have knowledge of it, you can help/instruct SS to do so. Or your husband should.  BM has no manners.

It is shame that people's etiquette is going by the wayside for technology and the "easy" route.  I know I appreciate a hand written note, and I adore my nieces thank you notes.

My SIL started sending pictures that are mass produced with Thank You on it and sending them out with just our address on them. Love her to death...dislike the lack of personalized effort.

SS needs to write a thank you.