How to explain to young children about those with physical disabilities

MamatoA2010

DD and I were at a pumpkin patch yesterday and on the way out we passed a teenage boy who appeared to have Downs Syndrome. As we were walking by he tried to pull of DD's shoe (she's almost 4 y/o). DD kept asking me, "Mommy, why did that boy try and take my shoe?" I explained to her that some people are not born healthy and that he was most likely just curious. Other than that I was really at a loss for words. Do you think I explained physical disabilities correctly? What would you have said and what is the best way to handle this type of situation if and when it occurs again?

MamatoA2010

Of= Off. Oops!

LBib

My BIL is severely disabled. Although we haven't had to explain Uncle B to our kids yet, DS1 is only 2.5 yo and he doesn't live close, we plan to say something along the lines of all people are born with their own abilities, challenges, and gifts. Your uncle has different physical and mental challenges and abilities than you but he has the same needs and feelings as you and anyone else.

I very clearly remember being introduced to a family friend with a prosthetic arm when I was 4/5 yo. My dad said something along the lines of, "my daughter has never seen someone with a mechanical arm before, can you show it to her and tell her how it works? Otherwise, she won't look at anything else all afternoon". The family friend then showed me how his arm attached and how the grasping claw worked. This way the person who was most used to telling people about his injury was able to do it and I didn't become afraid of him because a metal claw in place of an arm could very easily have been terrifying or fascinating.

Snapdragon750

I've had to deal with this situation a lot.  A special needs kid became enrolled in an early childhood program in which I was filling a sub kind of role, and I was assigned to be a one-on-one aide with her.  She didn't have Downs, in fact we weren't sure exactly what she "had," but she was 5 and was basically on the mental level of a 2-year-old, but since she was so much larger than those kids she was with the 3-4-year-olds.

The regular teachers of the class were at a loss (much like you were) and decided not to explain things to the other kids at all, which meant that they expected her to behave normally, and when she bit and hit and acted like, well, like a 2-year-old, the other kids began to dislike her and wanted nothing to do with her.  

The same thing happened when a kid with Downs syndrome enrolled in a camp program in which I was a counselor.  The lead counselors were uncomfortable and said nothing to the kids, and when I brought it up they said that to point it out to the kids would be counterproductive (maybe they wouldn't notice!), but kids aren't stupid.  They notice.  And if you don't explain what's going on, they're just going to think the other kid is rude and mean, and they're going to be rude and mean back at worst and ignore them at best.  

So I started explaining it to individual kids when it came up.  I told them that she behaves that way because she doesn't know better, but that was all I could get away with without getting in trouble.  If I could have said whatever I wanted, I would have said something like this: "Just like some kids have different hair or different skin color, some kids have brains that work differently, and she behaves that way because she can't help it, so we have to be extra patient with her, just like we would to a baby sister who doesn't know better."

There's no way to explain a mental disability without sounding like you're insulting them, but as an adult we really have to overcome that discomfort.  Kids are capable of amazing compassion, but we have to give them the chance.

LoveActually4

I don't want to sound too critical here because I know it's a difficult situation to explain but I don't like the term "not healthy". People with Down Syndrome are generally very healthy, they have a disability and those are very different scenarios.

ToastieSimons

Both of my boys have special needs, they're cognitively and physically disabled.

Children with Down Syndrome are generally healthy, there are the occasional few that have long term health challenged related to heart issues, but health doesn't make people act differently.

You could have said "I don't know why he wanted to take your shoe off".  She wasn't asking you why he looked different, or why he was talking different. If she was you could have said "You know how you have brown hair and susie has blonde hair, well everyone is different in how they think and feel and act".  

ILoveBoys

"Everyone is made differently."

At that point she was only asking why he tried to take off her shoe.

bcbuzzafsu

I overheard a mom once tell her 3yo that "everyone is a super hero and that [inset disability] is their super power."

RondackHiker

MabelShesTheBomb said:

..........................................where is the giant eye "WTAF" emoticon when you need it. You do know that people with Downs aren't "unhealthy" right??????

That's what I've been thinking.

And the disability didn't need to be addressed at all. She asked why he tried to take the shoe. "I don't know" covers it.

nixieknox3

as adults, we tend to over think and give long drawn out explanations when all a child usually needs is a simple answer.  i agree with the previous posters that a simple "i don't know, or maybe he was being silly" would suffice. 

Snapdragon750

nixieknox3 said:

as adults, we tend to over think and give long drawn out explanations when all a child usually needs is a simple answer.  i agree with the previous posters that a simple "i don't know, or maybe he was being silly" would suffice. 

Maybe, but often the real question behind the "Why did he do that?" is because the kid noticed that there was something different about the person, but they didn't have the vocabulary to ask what they really want to know, or maybe they can't quite put their finger on exactly what's different, so they just ask about the behavior.  I think answering the unasked question instead of glossing over it is important in this case.  And besides that, explaining the need to be compassionate and understanding toward others with differing abilities gives the kid the tools to react appropriately the next time she encounters someone with Downs Syndrome, which might easily be without the parent around to explain (like in camp or school).

MaxandRuby

"I explained to her that some people are not born healthy and that he was most likely just curious. Other than that I was really at a loss for words. Do you think I explained physical disabilities correctly?"

In a nutshell, my answer is no you did not explain physical disabilities correctly.  You equated someone with a physical disability with being unhealthy.  I understand not expecting to be questioned and having to come up with an answer off the cuff though.

Since you specifically stated physical disability, one can be as healthy as can be and still be physically disabled....like DS2.  He just turned 4 and has a walker and a wheelchair.  I would tell someone (or have the parent tell their child) simply say that his legs (or arms depending on what is being inquired about) do not work like theirs do and that he is still learning to do X and needs some extra help.  If necessary given how the conversation goes, tell them that outside of his legs not working right that he is just like them.  For me, I would much rather have someone ask me a question (although not everyone would be like this) then to have someone (child, teenager, or adult) blatantly stare at my child. I did like the superhero comment above.  Depending on the age of the child you don't need a long winded explanation just something short and sweet. 

And in this situation, I agree that there was no need to bring up the disability and explain more then what was asked.  She asked why the boy tried to take her shoe. 

futuremrsdelguidice

I agree with pps that I wouldn't have said he was "unhealthy"... Unhealthy to me is someone with a true illness, not downs. I also don't think I would've addressed his disability. When she asked why he tried to take her shoe off I think I would've said something to the effect of "well look how cute they are! He must've wanted to try them on".

Snapdragon750

fredalina said:

nixieknox3 said:

as adults, we tend to over think and give long drawn out explanations when all a child usually needs is a simple answer.  i agree with the previous posters that a simple "i don't know, or maybe he was being silly" would suffice. 

Maybe, but often the real question behind the "Why did he do that?" is because the kid noticed that there was something different about the person, but they didn't have the vocabulary to ask what they really want to know, or maybe they can't quite put their finger on exactly what's different, so they just ask about the behavior.  I think answering the unasked question instead of glossing over it is important in this case.  And besides that, explaining the need to be compassionate and understanding toward others with differing abilities gives the kid the tools to react appropriately the next time she encounters someone with Downs Syndrome, which might easily be without the parent around to explain (like in camp or school).

No because then the kid encounters another person with DS and says, "Is he sick, mommy? He's sick like that other boy." Or worse, encounters someone outside the presence of mom/dad and says, "You're not healthy. There's something wrong with you." There is a very real possibility that the only difference the child noticed that they cared about was the behavior about the shoe. They may not even have noticed any physical differences. By explaining more than they ask for, you put those (negative) thoughts in their head.

But I never said to explain that someone with a disability is sick or unhealthy?  I think you're mixing up my comment with OPs.

Snapdragon750

fredalina said:

fredalina said:

nixieknox3 said:

as adults, we tend to over think and give long drawn out explanations when all a child usually needs is a simple answer.  i agree with the previous posters that a simple "i don't know, or maybe he was being silly" would suffice. 

Maybe, but often the real question behind the "Why did he do that?" is because the kid noticed that there was something different about the person, but they didn't have the vocabulary to ask what they really want to know, or maybe they can't quite put their finger on exactly what's different, so they just ask about the behavior.  I think answering the unasked question instead of glossing over it is important in this case.  And besides that, explaining the need to be compassionate and understanding toward others with differing abilities gives the kid the tools to react appropriately the next time she encounters someone with Downs Syndrome, which might easily be without the parent around to explain (like in camp or school).

No because then the kid encounters another person with DS and says, "Is he sick, mommy? He's sick like that other boy." Or worse, encounters someone outside the presence of mom/dad and says, "You're not healthy. There's something wrong with you." There is a very real possibility that the only difference the child noticed that they cared about was the behavior about the shoe. They may not even have noticed any physical differences. By explaining more than they ask for, you put those (negative) thoughts in their head.

But I never said to explain that someone with a disability is sick or unhealthy?  I think you're mixing up my comment with OPs.

In the quoted part you didn't actually say how you would address the difference, just that you would. My point is I don't think it's necessary. I am 99% certain that when my DD saw the little person, she had no idea he was different in any way; she just didn't know whether to classify him as a kid or a grownup. She does the same with teens, asking if they are grown or can drive a car. If I had pulled her aside and talked to her about dwarfism, I would have given her more info than she needed and put the idea into her head that there's something "wrong" or different about being a short adult. Little people are just like big people and I would hate for her to suddenly be like, "Hey, I know what you are! You're a dwarf!" She doesn't need to know that yet. She just needs to know if he's a kid or grownup.

Different situation, IMO.  I don't know how old your DD was when she saw the little person, but in that case there's nothing more to explain than "That's a grown-up" anyway.  It's situations like Downs Syndrome and other obvious mental handicaps that really need a bit of explaining because those children DO need to be treated differently than "normal" kids (i.e. with extra patience), and kids can't do that if they're not taught to.

MaxandRuby

But there is no need to address the differences if they are not brought up.  By doing so, the adult is now pointing out differences and then having to (so to speak) explain it away that all is well and good.  Make the explanation and have the conversation when the actual differences are asked about.

colliebabe

Maybe this warrants it's own post, but I have been thinking about how to address it when DD notices (and points out) physical differences. She is two but twice now she has seen someone at the store or library (one with large birthmarks, one with a growth on the face) pointed and said "scary." Both were situations where we couldn't just walk away (in front of us in line and at story time.) Just curious how others address this (both in the moment and at home.)

nixieknox3

colleenb262 said:

Maybe this warrants it's own post, but I have been thinking about how to address it when DD notices (and points out) physical differences. She is two but twice now she has seen someone at the store or library (one with large birthmarks, one with a growth on the face) pointed and said "scary." Both were situations where we couldn't just walk away (in front of us in line and at story time.) Just curious how others address this (both in the moment and at home.)

i tell my kids that it's not polite to talk about other people's bodies

[Deleted User]

bcbuzzafsu said:

I overheard a mom once tell her 3yo that "everyone is a super hero and that [inset disability] is their super power."

lolno.

[Deleted User]

nixieknox3 said:

colleenb262 said:

Maybe this warrants it's own post, but I have been thinking about how to address it when DD notices (and points out) physical differences. She is two but twice now she has seen someone at the store or library (one with large birthmarks, one with a growth on the face) pointed and said "scary." Both were situations where we couldn't just walk away (in front of us in line and at story time.) Just curious how others address this (both in the moment and at home.)

i tell my kids that it's not polite to talk about other people's bodies

But then they don't learn about people's differences and what they mean and what they don't mean.  That's not really helpful to a kid, and just puts up a communication barrier.

nixieknox3

overture said:

nixieknox3 said:

colleenb262 said:

Maybe this warrants it's own post, but I have been thinking about how to address it when DD notices (and points out) physical differences. She is two but twice now she has seen someone at the store or library (one with large birthmarks, one with a growth on the face) pointed and said "scary." Both were situations where we couldn't just walk away (in front of us in line and at story time.) Just curious how others address this (both in the moment and at home.)

i tell my kids that it's not polite to talk about other people's bodies

But then they don't learn about people's differences and what they mean and what they don't mean.  That's not really helpful to a kid, and just puts up a communication barrier.

so you think if a child sees a morbidly obese person in the grocery store, you should explain to your child that sometimes people are just fat right then and there?

people have birthmarks, are extra hairy or are super fat.  telling your child that it's not polite to point that out isn't putting up a communication barrier, it's just teaching them manners.

[Deleted User]

Colleen was asking how how you handle it in the moment and at home.  I'm saying there needs to be a follow up conversation.

nixieknox3

overture said:

Colleen was asking how how you handle it in the moment and at home.  I'm saying there needs to be a follow up conversation.

i completely agree

ilovemygirls

Sometimes we're caught off guard w/kids questions.  I don't think it's fair to lay into OP for not saying the "right" thing when she simply hadn't encountered this issue before. While I don't think unhealthy was the proper term, hell, I know I've said stuff off the cuff to my kids & not thought all the way through. I generally go with an "everyone is different" explanation of some sort.

Now that my kids are a bit older, they've had some experience with kids having special needs at school.  Teachers (and myself) have explained that their brains just work differently than ours & we need to always be willing to help them out when they need it. A kid in my DD's class this year has a seizure disorder & they took time the first week to explain to the kids what that meant & they have a set place to go if he has a seizure so his nurse (with him FT) can do her job.  I thought that was an awesome approach.  I'm all for explaining stuff to kids, rather than glossing over.  That's hard when you're in public & they're pointing (which happens more when they're little), but you start to find your groove & get more comfortable w/explaining/redirecting, etc.

colliebabe

Thanks ladies! As far as my question goes, I think both the in the moment and the at home responses/follow up conversation. I think I was caught off guard bc DD is so young. I knew the conversation would be coming at some point (I remember having it with my parents), but wasn't expecting to address it at not even 2.

colliebabe

Thanks ladies! As far as my question goes, I think both the in the moment and the at home responses/follow up conversation. I think I was caught off guard bc DD is so young. I knew the conversation would be coming at some point (I remember having it with my parents), but wasn't expecting to address it at not even 2.

Assembly_Reqd

@snapdragon750......I liked your script. The only thing I would change is 'baby sister' to 'little sister'. Nate gets treated and called 'baby' by children his age and younger. It totally rubs me the wrong way and I know his receptive language and cognition is just about at age level. He must understand it. It's probably my problem more than his, but....

Also, your comment about how accepting little kids are is spot on. We are the ones that bog them down with our embarrassment and TMI.

Snapdragon750

Assembly_Reqd said:

@snapdragon750......I liked your script. The only thing I would change is 'baby sister' to 'little sister'. Nate gets treated and called 'baby' by children his age and younger. It totally rubs me the wrong way and I know his receptive language and cognition is just about at age level. He must understand it. It's probably my problem more than his, but.... Also, your comment about how accepting little kids are is spot on. We are the ones that bog them down with our embarrassment and TMI.

You're right about the "baby" thing--I'm sure I only wrote "baby sister" because there's a new baby sister in my house.