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DefaultJohnson1234
member
When To Expect Sex....
DefaultJohnson1234
member
The answer is going to be different for each couple and circumstance, but to me at least, some of these should be a definite 'You are gettin lucky'. What are your thoughts? What would you add/remove?
- The night you propose
- Your Wedding Night
- Most nights on the honeymoon
- After a 'date' that involved more effort than just driving for take-out
- HUGE amounts of housework
- Knocking large items off a honey-do list
- Within a week after a 'wife's day'
- Birthdays
- Valentines day
- Anniversary
I guess I am just frustrated and want someone to talk to.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: When To Expect Sex....
I try to have a couple of these a year and try to give her as much notice as possible, usually something like a free day on the weekend. If she wants to go shopping with her friends, and you watch the kids, that is what happens.If she says 'could you do a load of dishes', your reply is 'of course honey, would you like anything to drink'.
Amazing how no work, no housework, no cooking, just relaxing all day goes a long way towards my wife's sex drive.
First, any time I ask for sex, there is almost never an expectation it will happen....just a hope that rarely comes to fruition. I ask for sex a few (0-8) times a week, in a similar manner to what you described. Her response is fairly predictable:
1) No (in an unhappy voice) - 20%
2) I need to do something else - 70%
3) Ignore the question - 10%
That sums it up. As you can see, there is pretty much a 0% 'Sure!' or 'Later', 'Tonight' or 'If you are good'.
To add/be clear, I have gone over a month at a time without any requests several times.
I am curious on your take on the rest of the items I listed and if you feel the 'expectation' lessens the experience.
When one of us is out of line, we can tell each other. If I get too 'know-it-all', my wife points it out, and I know she is right and try to adjust my speech. When she gets hyper-critical...I call her out, and she knows there is a good chance I am right. She knows if I am in a bad mood, just give me some space. I know if she is in a bad mood, I need to keep quiet and be as productive as possible.
I appreciate any attempts at advice for fixing my sex issues, but I can tell you that I have spent the majority of my adult life with my wife, and besides the first year or two, this has always been a major issue. I am the kind of guy that 'fixes' problems...so I have tried most of my adult life to fix this problem. The best I have come up with is to damage my own sex drive as much as possible...which has it's own side effects and varying degrees/time lengths of success.
If you asked me what the top 3 issues in our marriage/relationship are, the second and third are so far in the distance, i am not even sure what they would be.
I could give you a long list of things I have tried and how successful they were. This post was more just because relationships need to have expectations...and because I was frustrated and wanted someone to talk to.
On a different note, your comment about 'Doing things with the expectation of sex doesn't work in my household.'...does not allow for anyone to be woo/seduced. You sound like you have a pretty healthy sex life (#colorMeJealous), but I would say you are missing out as well if the only time you have sex is when you are not expecting it.
I have found expecting sex, but not talking about those expectations, just leads to my expectations not being met, and me pouting as a result.
My wife needs to be relaxed and feel close to me for us to get to that end game. One way I do that is to give her massages multiple times a week. Or we have a movie night after the kids is down. My wife likes that showtime after hours stuff, so I try to share in that with her. If she is too tired, or not feeling it, she will always offer to rub one out for me.
Seems like you have all these expectations, but you are not doing anything to make those a reality. Just because we are married to them does not mean that they don't want to feel those feelings that they felt at the very start, when we actually did those things we needed to do to get what we wanted. Seduction and closeness are very, very importatnt to the ladies, married or not.
Another first trimester lurker, but does your wife have any medical conditions that dampen her sex drive? When mine took a turn (along with some other indicators) it was discovered I have hypothyroidism.
If this isn't the case (and I hope for her sake it's not) have you tried "experimenting" with toys, lubes, location, or even the time of day? I inferred you have a LO so I know that may make things more difficult, but it could be that it's the same ol' same ol' and she needs some spice. DH and I found we were "in a rut" (not the deer kind) for a while and changing a few things up has really helped improve that aspect of our relationship.
As far as your list goes every relationship/situation is different but from my POV as a lady, I "expect" it on these days as well.
I would ask your wife point blank, why she is so against a little lovin'. If she doesn't have a medical reason, maybe she needs to delve deeper into her psyche and find out what's going on. Could be we reasons are so deep, even she doesn't know. I wish you luck OP.
I think most men would agree with the bolded. I offered that opinion in my previous post on this. I think the difference is in communicating expectations with our partner. I know that if I am in the mood for sex, and my wife is not, but I still may need a release, she is more than okay with making that happen. We communicate about sex as much as we communicate about anything else we share together. It is important that expectations are heard and understanding the needs of one another are commuicated openly.
If I clean the house one day, it is not with the expectation of sex in return. But if I tell my wife to go get out of the house for a few hours to get a break, she may come back and want to show her appreciation by giving me some later that night. But if not, I am cool with that, and it will be understood because we will have talked about it to avoid any assumptions.
I disagree with engagement night, we did have sex that night if I recall correctly, but I feel that it shouldn't be expected.
Wedding night... Yeah I was super tired, and STARVING! Still managed to have amazing sex, until late hours! Come on people it's a really special night!
Birthdays, his for sure, on mine I actually would like to have my day, sometimes it doesn't include sex.
We don't really celebrate valentines, neither of us care. Agree with others
About not getting lucky, I know it is super difficult sometimes, but I do agree with whomever said to change it up, seriously! Try new things! Go to a sex store, play a sex game, buy some fun things! I've been married for 4 years and lived with my DH for a year before that, after DD#1 came it was definitely harder, she is 3 now, and often interrupts! So do it when you get the chance, stop saying, 'later,' half the time that will never happen! I also agree with seduction, talk to her, flatter her, caress her, play with her hair, cuddle, give her a massage, but tell her she has to take her shirts completely off, best way to start sex! Seriously if my husband really wants some he doesn't just say, "sexy time," even if that sometimes works. If she keeps telling you no, just wait a minute and continue, unless she gets upset or says "no way in hell."
Last thing, I think that every couple should talk about it, if you don't feel comfortable then get comfortable, marriage can have a lot of problems due to communication. Communicate how you feel, and be ready to listen to her, don't take offense, it needs to be safe. Tell her you love her, in a serious way. Then also be open to communication during and after sex!
Other thoughts: we women feel like we have to do it all: work, cook, raise kids, do housework, etc and look hot while doing it. We aren't going to fall all over ourselves if a guy does the dishes.
These "good deeds" you're doing are probably rubbing her the wrong way because she KNOWS now that she is expected to have sex after you do chores around the house you should probably be doing anyway. This is not so far from being made to feel like a prostitute...you are just impersonating merry maids instead of giving her money.
This strategy is bad news and I can see why she is turned off. Instead of asking her "hey, want to have sex?" Maybe try "hey, let's go out to dinner?" Or "hey want to go to a movie?"
Women who withold sex aren't typically doing it simply to torture men. Something is missing emotionally and they are failing to connect. My biggest issue that I'll confess as a woman is when my husband is around me all the time for days on end. Absence makes my heart grow fonder. It's nice to miss him, then when I see him again I want to connect emotionally and physically.
You may want to even venture as far as asking her what's up. Be honest but be ready for an honest response.
"Other thoughts: we women feel like we have to do it all: work, cook, raise kids, do housework, etc and look hot while doing it. We aren't going to fall all over ourselves if a guy does the dishes"
I call BS. My wife would never, ever say that about me. I am home with my family every single night, most of those with me making dinner and also cleaning the kitchen afterward. I steam clean the carpets, do laundry, change diapers, run out garbage, do all the lawn work, take care of two cars, should I go on? Not to mention I take the kid to daycare every single morning.
And my wife does just as much as I do. We give him a bath together, read to him and put him down together. I brush his teeth every single night. She picks him up after work, dresses him, does his hair.
I know plenty of other dad's who do just as much as I do every single day. And the dad's here are certainly carrying their weight in this area.
Maybe that happens in your house, so that is something that you need to address with your man. My wife loves my "good deeds", and often times she will tell me when I am cleaning, or taking care of the boy, that it is a turn on. But I do those things everyday, just like the dads here.
I hate gender role generalizations like that. I am a grown ass man who takes care of my family around the clock, just as much as my wife does. And neither one of us worries about looking "hot" while we are home taking care of our family together.
I cannot imagine not having sex on my wedding night. Yes, my wife and I were tired from the long day, but we were also really into each other, alone for the first time as husband and wife. It was some of our best love making we have ever had.
I certainly was nowhere near as tired as I have been the last year, and we still find the time and energy to connect in an intimate way. It does not take much to get into a mood to want to do it. I am probably one of the older guys on this board, and I feel I am getting more than some of you younger dudes!!
What about expecting sex on a babymoon? Those are becoming pretty popular now, and I know that when we were planning ours before the boy was born, we both were expecting some sex.
I was probably more nervous about it than my wife was, because she was just going into her third trimester, and sex was kind of scary to me by that point. Turns out it was some of the best. Of course, staying at The Drake on MIchigan Ave. in Chicago helps!
I nixed the idea of a fucking babymoon so hard. Oh, you're uncomfortable and miserable? Let's get in a car and travel somewhere so you can be uncomfortable somewhere else! *eyeroll*
Married 09/29/2013 ~ TTC since 09/29/2013!
Surprise BFP 06/06/2013 ~ MC 06/20/2013
BFP 12/31/2013 ~ EDD 9/13/2014
Please learn to read better before you start accusing people of blowing gaskets and such. That is not what he was saying. And your response was more about what you seem to be going through with your own man in this area, so I called you on it.
And I love not only how you KNOW what the issue is, but that that is the reason WHY his wife is turned off. I have NO IDEA how you know any of that, so I am assuming that you are projecting here....thus, BS!
As for the issue of your wife not wanting sex.. When my husband and I first got together, sex scared me. It didn't sound fun, it wasn't all that fun, and it just wasn't something I was into. To me, it was like, "Oh great, now I have to live up to a bunch of expectations. Fun." But then, he started making it all about me for a while. Took it slow, focused on me, and eventually, we came to a point where I learned to not only let him love my body without being worried about his expectations, but I started loving my own body because of it, and enjoying sex. Is it always about me? No. Now, I only care sometimes what I get out of it, because I enjoy it regardless. Your wife needs to feel loved and appreciated. Most women that I've talked to, when they said they didn't like sex, it was because there either was no connection or intimacy along with it, or they weren't getting anything out of it themselves. Ask her what she wants sexually, what you could be doing differently. Take some time and see if you can drive her sexually crazy for a little while, without just trying to get what you want out of her. Once you've done that, she'll actually want sex more often. She'll look forward to it, and see it as a good thing instead of just something she has to do. If it worked for me, it might work for her. For some women, sex has a lot of psychological issues attached. If you start showing her you're interested in doing things how she wants them, she just might open up about it and figure things out, maybe learn to explore with you until you find what she likes. Then you'll both be happier.
Married 4/13/13
Loss at 6 weeks 5/4/2013
Loss at 9 weeks 12/2013
Healthy baby boy 7/12/15
Due 1/6/18