Mom left state to have baby... heartbroken.

Singledad23

Greetings all. Wish I had some happier news to report, but I recently found out that my ex/BM moved back to her family home to have our baby. I hadn't heard from her in several months, and I guess this explains why. The due date passed a few weeks ago, and I don't know if the baby was born healthy, what her name is, or when if ever I will get to see her. The mom, her family, and her friends refuse to respond to me in any way, despite the fact that I have been continually offering to help in any way I can. I spent the last 6 months getting ready to be a good father- I have piles of baby clothes and supplies, took classes in newborn care and CPR, and reading every book I can find about parenting. I am absolutely prepared to be a terrific father to this child, but my ex and her family are completely shutting me out. I think the fact that she has no money and no job drove her home, but I'm worried that problems with her mental and emotional health were big factors as well.

I'm completely devastated. I'm a few weeks into a paternity leave that I arranged months ago, and I'm talking to a lawyer to explore my options. My goal was for us to co-parent our daughter, 50/50 legal and physical custody, but that seems impossible now. Does anyone have any experience with this kind of situation? I know I can still establish paternity, but it seems like my options are incredibly limited from there. 

Any advice or words of support would be much appreciated. I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.

Sad_dad

Wulfgar

I don't have any direct experience with this but it will be a hard road to get rights to your child and co-parent if she is living in another State.  When I was in the Navy, usually the mother was allowed to take the children out of State as long as they notified the Navy and the husband/ father.

At this point, all you can do is find the best divorce lawyer in your area since this fight will be basically a divorce with one party out of State.

bklyndad

A few long-winded thoughts...

First off, what a horrific situation -- my heart goes out to you.  I have to believe a lot of dads sympathize with you, even if we can't empathize exactly.  

Based on a similar situation involving one of my best friends, whose gf moved to be with family in Prague just before his son was born...

It sounds like you're doing the right thing, working with an attorney. But while you're fighting the legal battle and trying to sort through the mess of practicalities, perhaps keep a diary or write a few letters to your daughter and keep them in a box or something for later...? I'd try to stay as objective and as sympathetic as possible when it comes to your feelings about the mom. Just your thoughts and feelings, the hopes you have, the fact that you care, that you've taken CPR classes and stockpiled baby clothes, maybe include photos of trees, a sunset or things that strike you as particularly beautiful that were happening around the time of her first months on the planet, a photo of the car that you and her mom drove around in while she was pregnant (if that happened), places you used to go together, things you'd like to share with your daughter and — more importantly — things that connect her to you. 

I'm thinking it could be something that not only helps you sort your current emotions, but which you could potentially give to your daughter at some point in the future. Based on my friend's experience and the difficulties he's had in maintaining any kind of relationship with his son overseas (who's now 16), I have to believe that at some point it will be important for your kid to know that right now, at this point in her history, you cared and that you fought for her. Time and emotions have a funny way of twisting history, and having an honest, emotional account of events written during these early days, days that could prove to be a turning point, might go a long way to cutting through whatever stories about you might develop over the years. 

Obviously I hope things work out, that the diary or letters or whatever would serve as nothing more than self-therapy for you for the moment, that everything's eventually peachy. But if you end up separated in a worst case scenario, with your daughter growing up out of reach, a diary or "shoebox full of memories" might be a way to get a discussion started with her at some point down the road.

Just a thought. Hang in there and good luck. 

Wulfgar

I totally agree with @apbloye and making sure that you have the best lawyer possible that is looking out for you.  This is usually the one that wives get when going through divorce.

LuckyDad

Singledad, you need to talk to a lawyer who specializes in these cases, the sooner the better.

Singledad23

Thanks a lot for the kind words gents. @bklyndad- I started writing letters to my daughter today, and though I cried like a baby myself the whole time, it feels like the right thing to be doing. I'm also going to write her some music. And after agonizing over it for way too long, I finally hired a lawyer, and I'm keeping a careful record of everything as I go. 

@apbloye, holy crap, what a nightmare... but it's encouraging to hear that even something that sounds so impossible gets better with time. I'm trying to take the long view- even if I don't get to see her much in the beginning, I'm in this for the long haul. Just need to stay sane, patient, and smart in the meantime.

willy_gert

I wouldn't normally comment on something like this since I am not a normal part of your board and I don't "know" you, but I felt compelled to.  

I work in Foster Care/ Adoption and my sister has gone through some "baby daddy" issues.  

My advice to you is this, find out the laws in the state where she is and the state where you are regarding parental rights and what can cause parental rights to be terminated/ not given etc.  I know in KS that if the father does not attempt contact or have contact with the mother, it is considered abandonement of the child and parental rights can be terminated.  Luckily, most states will not allow parental rights to be terminated unless there is a parent ready and willing to step in, because they refuse to "bastardize" a child.

So, like someone said, DOCUMENT everything!  Document every attempt you have had at contacting her or her family, every time you saw her prior to her leaving etc.  It is so important!  Most courts are becoming wiser to the needs of a father in the life of a child and are going out of their way to ensure proper contact and relationship with a father, so if you can show that you WANT to be a father and be there for your baby, most courts, in this day and age are going to allow you the opportunity.

Also, like someone said, I would edit your OP or DD, (or get a mod to DD) because if she has any inkling that you are on here, she and/ or her lawyers will try to get ahold of everything you have ever said and use it against you.  TBH, your lawyer will probably try to do the same!  

I wish you the best and I sincerely hope that your ex has enough sense to allow you to be the father you are willing to be!  I will gladly help you find information on the laws in your state if you need help!  Congrats on your new baby and I hope you get to meet the baby ASAP!

ladyjenna13

Fight, fight fight, and when you get tired...fight some more!!

Sounds like you are all over this one.  I really feel for you, man.  I cannot even imagine that.  This is certainly not your daughters decision, so I would make sure you keep that in your mind as you go through this process.  Once it is proven, genitically, I think you will have a much stronger hand in this.

Keep the faith, and keep strong for your daughter through this.  When she is old enough, she will know the truth about your fight for her, and your relationship will be stronger as a result.  Any mother who does this is selfish and is creating some serious karma backdraft.  Don't even let that negative energy get in the way of trying to establish a relationship with your child.

Maddeegal

I just read this and it broke my heart! I have absolutely no knowledge about this kind of thing, even when me and my husband were going through a tough time and were separated for a little while, I still was always gonna let him see our daughter since he is a great dad and adores his sweet girl. I just hate how there are so many horrible dads in this world, and soooo many women who just want good fathers. You seem to be someone who would make a great father, and you WANT to be father and in LOs life. I just don't understand people who use their children to hurt people, or take them away from perfectley good dads! I hate to say, because I feel like people should be able to work things out when it comes to kids, just do the best thing for them! Obviously, you are the best thing for that child, that child will want you in their life, because of this I think you will have to fight. Find that child and demand to see her! Don't fight with the mother or her parents, never do anything that could cause you to compromise your standing! Good luck! I really hope all the best for you and that you will be able to see your daughter soon!

hu11aba1oo2

OKAY, my DH has a mentally ill/psycho ex-wife who just had a baby by one of her on again/off again BFs and she is pulling very similar crap.

1. Don't just talk to a Lawyer, GET A LAWYER!  Make sure you find a lawyer that specializes in father's rights. Start paperwork for custody, NOW!  And if you think she is mentally ill or suffers from a personality disorder, request a full eval which includes psych (psychiatrist not of her choosing), which may mean that you have to do the same.  This could be expensive, but well worth it in the end.

2. Document, Document, Document.  Do everything by text or email.  And save them all.  If you must make a phone call, record it.  Most states have a law stating that only one person in a conversation needs to be aware they are being recorded, so DO NOT TELL HER!

3. Never cuss at her, call her names or say anything negative to her.  NEVER stoop to her level no matter how much you want to.

3. So many states favor moms, even to this day, but slowly more and more judges are figuring out that a child needs both parents.  This will be an uphill battle for you.  But you sound like an incredible man ready to be an incredible father.  And after watching DH go through so much with psycho ex, there are sooooo many things he wished he would have done differently from the beginning.  He wished he would have fought more for his daughter and his rights as a father instead of just assuming a child's place was with its mother.