2 Year Old Hitting Phase. How to Deal???

beautiflaw

We are going through a stressful time right now. We just came back from a 2 week long trip to visit far off family and now we are moving across the country. All this has hit my little girl pretty hard. She just turned 2 on the 14th, but mentally and physically she is close to age 3 (according to her pedi. i wouldn't know because she's my first and i don't have much experience with kids other than her). She is stressed out, I can tell, and she has started hitting when she is frustrated. And sometimes if she wants our attention she will hit us or our cats. We pay a ton of attention to her and our families spent a ton of time playing with her and making a fuss over her when we visited them, so now the instant we take our eyes off her and try to have an adult conversation or if we start petting our cats, she loses her mind.  She is VERY verbal (she speaks in full sentences and knows at least 300 words) so I don't think she is having trouble expressing herself. If she's mad she'll just say "I'm mad" or if she wants something she says "I can have this?" or whatever. She knows how to ask us to play with her too. She is really good about asking for what she wants, but lately its just like she would rather hit.

When she's hitting we tell her to use her words and tell us what she wants, but usually by that time she is past speaking. She's just so mad she just breaks down into a fit. Unfortunately now she thinks hitting is some kind of game because now she'll run up and hit us, and then run away giggling. Then I have to run after her and I look into her eyes and calmly explain that hitting is not nice and it hurts mommy's body and mommy's feelings. Then if she keeps hitting I put her in the corner, but she won't stay and kicks the wall so I end up sitting there with her... basically hugging her in a way where she can't hit me or the wall. I tell her when she calms down she can come out of the corner and play again. So after a bit of screaming and flailing around she will calm down and I make her tell me she's sorry for hitting. But I guess she doesn't understand the concept of being sorry because now she comes up and hits me and giggles and says, "I'm sorry mommy!" and then if I ask "Sorry for what?" she says, "for what!" So I don't know... I was hoping to teach her to apologize but I suppose she's only repeating what I say without understanding the meaning...

We've tried speaking in a firm voice and a calm voice. We've tried taking away the toy she hits us with (so now she hits with her hands instead of toys). We tried "time out" which isn't even time out since we have sit with her and physically make her stay in the corner. I used to be able to walk away from her and show her that I don't want to play if she is hitting, but if I am in the store or the doctor's office and she slaps me in the face I can't exactly get up and walk off. Also I can't do that at home either with movers and such all around and boxes and things she can't get into. Plus the second I "walk away" (basically take two steps in the opposite direction while saying, "bye, mommy doesn't play with little girls who hit" she goes into screaming fits and throws herself on the ground and goes nuts. So I have no idea what to do.

Everyone I know tells me to hit her back or spank her. (I don't know any non-spanking adults in real life) Obviously I don't think that is a good idea and I don't want to do that. Time out is really the furthest I want to go with this, but I have no idea how to make it a consequence since she won't stay in the corner without us.... and she is still getting attention for the action. Basically that's all she wants, but I have no idea how to not give her some sort of attention unless I completely ignore the hitting... which I've also tried but she just hits harder or increases it to biting or kicking.

So now what? Do I keep on doing what I'm doing and hope it clicks with her and stops at some point? She is getting really strong and she has hit me so hard before that I blacked out for a few seconds. Its getting out of control, and I'm kind of tired of strangers telling me to spank. One lady told me that if I didn't spank her she would. A man in the middle of Target told me "If you were a decent mother you'd wear her up one side and down the other" and went on to say that if she was his little girl her bottom would be black and blue. I'm disgusted with these comments and I have a hard time with hearing things like that from people about my daughter, because usually she is an angel. She is normally so sweet and loving, and super gentle. But the last couple of weeks have been absolutely horrible. I am nearly at my wit's end.

beautiflaw

p.s. she learned "gentle hands" a long time ago. we also have been telling her to "show me gentle" and she strokes our hair or faces or arms or whatever gently. but that doesn't always work...

blu-eyedwife

My son will be 2 next week and just re-entered the hitting phase this week, so I do think it's age-appropriate (meaning a 2 year old thing, not that it's appropriate at any age).

Like your daughter, he knows "gentle hands" but now I think hitting is more of a game for him than a communication thing.  (Like today he kept hitting the couch near where the dog was lying which would make the dog growl.  When I'd tell him he need to stop because he was scaring the dog, he would laugh and try to do it again.) 

I think it is MUCH easier to deal with the situation at home, in the hopes it will carry to what happens when you're at the store/doctor/etc.  So if you walking away from it leads to a tantrum, then that's what happens.    I wouldn't chase after her to tell her no.  She obviously knows this is undesirable behavior.  Her running away is part of the game, she wants you to chase her.  A perverse type of "tag."  So don't play into it.

Obviously you can't really walk away from her and let her tantrum when you're out, but I personally would leave immediately if she hits you in public.  1) It will save you from hearing the "helpful advice" of others.  2) It shows her that fun times end when you behave inappropriately.  And I'm well aware that this is going to SUCK when you're at the store trying to pick up some things for dinner, or a place you "need" to be, but the hope is that this won't drag on for months and years and you may need to make some sacrifices now for that benefit.  Your husband may need to make some trips to the store, or you may need to tag team things so one can go to the car with your daughter while the other finishes whatever you're doing.

I can't help too much with the timeouts, we haven't instituted those yet, but your description is one of the reasons why.  I don't think he would sit in a timeout, so I'm not sure it would be effective for us.  I know a lot of moms make use of them, so hopefully one of them will have some good advice for you!

Lolalipsy

Sounds like you're trying everything. The only thing I can suggest I something that my Dad does with our niece. When she hits him he completely ignores the behaviour (not her) all together. It's worked for them. She tuned 2 in July.

Good luck. I hope you find something
that works for you.

ETA: I'm not a fan of the timeouts so I can't help there.

cpmich

I have been there. It stinks. My son is almost 3. First you have to identify triggers. If she is hungry, angry, tired, lonely, of course try to help her start to identify and tell you before it gets to that point or get food etc in her when she becomes twitchy. If a basic need is threatened, address because she is reacting from instinct and you won't be able to reach her until her rational brain is engaged.

If she is just attention seeking, and the giggling episodes are, then try to nip this in the bud. It will get worse. At home be consistent and tell her you won't talk to someone who is hitting you because it isn't safe. Think about the behavior you are modeling... If a boyfriend hits her in high school because he is angry, do you want her to chase him and beg him to calm down. Whatever you do just stay calm and talk quietly. At home, you can sit and wait or stand and wait, but don't let her hit you above your belly button if you can. You can say things like I understand you are upset or angry, but it is not ok to hit. I will talk with you when you are calm. Take a deep breath, count to four, take a deep breath.

In public, it stinks. You have two choices really. If you can, scoop the flailing swinging child and leave, then do it. If she is too big or strong to do that safely, just let her tantrum on the floor until she blows enough energy to listen to you. Stick with the same language you use at home. When she is calm and you are at home, tell her that kids who hit cannot go to XYZ place she likes to go. Cancel your next trip to this place and tell her several times that you were going to go but had to cancel because of her actions. This is not about punishing, it is natural consequence.

If you think it is embarrassing now, just wait until she hits another kid for some minor perceived offense. Sigh.

In the world of flight vs fight response to stress, your child probably was born with a fight response. You cannot eliminate it, but you can help her learn to manage it. On the bright side, she is unlikely to ever be a doormat.

This may seem silly, but seriously, let her watch Daniel Tiger on PBS or Netflix. There are some nice episodes on managing anger and staying calm. It is worth the screen time. If you do Netflix, Katerina gets Mad is a good episode to check out. Also, the episode where they make sandpies where they learn just saying sorry isn't enough... That one isn't on Netflix yet though.

Timeouts didn't work here for hitting. I think they actually made it worse because the hitting was about control and a fight response, so time out just triggered more of a fight response.

I may have read too much into your post based on our experience. Our kiddo is also very big physically, verbal, and advanced on milestones. Hope this post helps. Sorry it is so long.

Emerald27

Daniel Tiger: "If you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath...and count to 4."

cpmich

Also, any time she hits you with something, definitely take it away. Like for the rest of the day. During a particularly rough day, after being hit with hands, I took a toy he particularly liked away. I told him he could earn it back by being nice the rest of the day.My son did not do well with time out but he is very responsive to being able to earn something back.

Make sure if she hits the cat that you fawn over the cat making sure it is ok before paying attention to her, if it is safe to do so. That would be a major offense in this house. I might even take a lovey away for that one.

cpmich

Emerald27 said:

Daniel Tiger: "If you feel so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath...and count to 4."

It was a lifesaver in this house! Seriously. My kid even sings it to other kids on the playground. Life is so so much better now.

cpmich

chattychiqa said:

My pediatrician was MY ped as a kid and also has 9 kids of his own. My 15 yo DD went through a similar phase and this is what he told me:

You need to make a huge deal out of this. Shout OUCH! Then say in a stern voice "That HURTS. STOP IT. I don't like it."

It worked for my DD very quickly.

This did not work at all with my kid. It was the very first strategy we tried. Glad it worked for you though.

emilykathleen511

While at home, I would calmly say, "Ouch, that hurt Mommy. That's not nice." And walk away and say your piece about not playing with little girls who are hitting you. If she throws a fit, she throws a fit. If the fit carries on for more than a minute or two and/or she gets really distressed, go to her and hold her and once she calms down, have a talk about hitting. Likely she'll be more receptive at that point.

While in public, I would give one warning that you will leave if she is not using her gentle touches. If she does it again, I would pick her up and calmly say, "We have to leave because you are not using your gentle touches." Take her out to the car (she won't be happy about this) and let her know that once she is ready to use gentle touches, you can go back in. This will usually be enough, but if she keeps it up after that, then really leave and go home. If it gets that far, she will likely get the message after going home once, maybe twice and start using her gentle touches while out.

cpmich

Just wanted to chime in again and let you know that the phase lasted about a month for us, so there is light at the end of the tunnel...

outnumbered

She just turned 2 on the 14th, but mentally and physically she is close to age 3 (according to her pedi. i wouldn't know because she's my first and i don't have much experience with kids other than her)

Your child might be very verbal, but she still has the social and emotional maturity of a two year old.  She is not 3 no matter how many words she knows.  She does not know how to express her feelings because she is 2.  She might have the verbal ability to say the words, but she does not have the emotional intelligence to process what she is feeling.  

I think that you are doing a good job.  At home I would walk away from her hitting and count to 60.  That way you can cool off and she sees that hitting removes you from the situation, but you are not gone too long.  When you come back do not make a big deal of the hitting (maybe say that hurt or ouch) and try to distract her.   You can practice giving her the tools to slow down and not hit.  Counting to 4 and roaring, a signal from you such as the phrase red light and go hit a pillow.  Make sure that she is getting enough physical activity and sleep.  Good luck.