How do I convince DH we need to try again?

MrsCodeMonkey

After a loss last week all I can think of is wanting to be pregnant again. I know it's way too soon to make this decision, but I can't help thinking about it.

DH was hesitant in the first place about rocking the boat and adding one more baby to the mix. We were considering TTC around Sept-Oct when we got the surprise BFP.

Now he's not sure he wants another at all. All he's saying is we'll talk later, which to me sounds like a "no" but he wants to delay saying it. How do I get him to change his mind?

I realize I probably can't say anything to change his mind if he's set on it. I just don't think I'll ever stop longing for another baby. I also want to go back to work soon so I don't want to wait too long. Certainly, we have a few months to consider the situation, but meanwhile it's killing me. I'm sure my hormones have yet to regulate, so maybe I'll think more clearly in a month or so.

Also, I realize we need to wait at least a month or two anyway. I'm not saying I want to TTC now. I just want him to say yes. Darn husbands and their opposing opinions!

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acaudill75

I think a lot of the time, we women tend to take our losses as just that: OUR losses. We get wrapped up in our feelings and how the loss affected us, and rightfully so. But it takes its toll on the father was well.

DH and I had to terminate a pregnancy, and while I talk about it from time to time, he can't talk about it all. It is too upsetting for him.

Perhaps YH not being fully on board with another baby, and the subsequent loss of one he wasn't expecting to care about as much as you has made him hesitant to try again.

IDK, men can be so tricky to talk to. I would give you and YH a little time to heal from this loss and see if things aren't a little clearer when the dust has settled.

HUGS

seahorse102410

Well I have the opposite situation. I am so scarred still emotionally and my husband can't wait another second for another baby. We aren't preventing but I'm not putting all my effort into it either. But I'm one of those weirdos that thinks "if it's meant to be ..." Barf. Whatever.

catycate

Time, time, time. Let him grieve and come to terms with your loss- neither one of you should be making decisions right now.

CurlyQ284

If you just had a loss last week, I would wait a month before raising the issue again. You both need time to heal and process your feelings. You said you have to wait a month or two anyway so its not like waiting will delay anything.

One thing I would NOT do is push him or hound him on this right now. He sounds like he needs time and pushing him to give an answer won't be helpful.

MrsCodeMonkey

Yeah, it probably is part of the grieving process. I just want to go back to a month ago when all was well and I was super excited. Perhaps a bit of denial there...

DH said he wasn't as affected by the loss as me. He said he felt awful for me but he didn't get attached to the baby like I did. I don't think DD really seemed real until she was in his arms at the hospital and then they bonded instantly. Obviously I don't fully know how he feels.

He has some financial concerns even though we're doing okay. He also doesn't want to deal with the stress of a newborn. We had issues with DD's sleep for a long time. I'm not eager for that to start, but I see it as temporary.

ppants

I'm sorry for your loss.  My 1st pg resulted in an m/c.  I know several women that had a surprise BFP and then m/c.  They all went on to conceive again.  I hope you can find peace with whatever you decide.

ASmallWonder

I'm sorry for your loss  I don't have experience with that but it sounds like the others said what I was thinking - give it time.  Then I read your second post and it sounds a lot like the discussions I had with DH before we TTC our second.  Obviously there is a point in your finances where actively choosing to add to your family is a bad decision but there's a point (sounds like we're around the same point) where it will make things probably tighter than anyone would prefer but not even close to impossible.  

When some time has passed and you think you can bring this up to your DH again, here's what I put to my DH - When you picture us in 10 years, 20 years, 30 years, do you see this as our complete family?  Take out all the temporary concerns and look long term.  Even one year of virtually no sleep - does that really make you not want a 3 year old, a 10 year old, another adult child - a sibling for your son?  I asked him to think on it and not answer me.  Just think on what our family looks like in the future to him and he ultimately decided that the hard stage of a newborn (even though while you're experiencing it, it seems never ending) is exceptionally short compared to the many years of amazing family time as a family of 4.  

Libby1978

Well, he may or may not change his mind.  I think you should give him (and yourself) a little more time to get past the loss and then revisit the subject.

I'm sorry for your loss.  I must have missed that.

ncgirlgoingtori

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. 

insertclevername

I am very sorry for your loss.  I agree that your H is most likely grieving as well.  I would give it some time and address it with him in another month or so.  Let him know how you are feeling.  Hopefully, he will open up and let you know how he is feeling as well.

SunnyMeg1

I agree, he needs time. After my last loss I was convinced we'd try again in a few months and DH was on board but here we are and have for now decided to put off TTC, maybe for a whole year. The loss is too new and fresh for anyone to make any definite decisions right now. I'd give it a month, then have a talk with him about your feelings. I'm sorry you have to go through this ((hugs)).

Maebb

I'm sorry for your loss. I had an early m/c last year, and it was really tough on me emotionally. Like your H said, DH took it differently because he wasn't as emotionally attached as I was, but it was hard on him to see me hurting and not know how to help.

I agree with all the PPs who said time. We intended to wait a few months before trying again, but somehow even though we weren't "trying," I got pregnant the first month after the m/c. But this was our first child, and DH and I were on the same page about being ready for it. My point is, give it some time, and then talk to DH about it again, but definitely use protection until you both agree that you want to start TTC again.

RayRay007

I'm sorry. I too just had a loss (still waiting for it actually) and want to get right back on the horse. I totally get that. But I don't think either of you need to make decisions or commitments yet. 

nanabanana06

You sound like I did after my loss. One of the first things I told SO after the news of our loss was that we were going to try again. I think he agreed because how hurt I was. TTC became an obsession for me. I temped, charted, peed on things 3 times a day, and spent tons of money on OPKs. Looking back I know that I wasn't giving myself the time to grieve or SO. It was taking a toll on us. Luckily we got pregnant on the 2nd cycle butI should of given us the time to grieve . GL. It isn't easy. The pain of a loss sucks so bad.

LaurelBee

I'm sorry for your loss.

CurlyQ284

HilarityEnsued said:

I have an overriding thought on these kinds of situations that has helped me a lot. I have found that it's much better to not address theoretical situations with DH and get into theoretical arguments or discussions when he's not on the same page as me.  It works much better (for us, at least) to address these situations when it is a reality.

As women, we like to talk/plan/discuss/imagine/whatever.  Generally, men aren't really into this as much.  So I wouldn't go down the road of trying to get your DH to agree to try again until it's closer to go-time.  Also, really, until he takes some permanent measure to not have kids, the discussion is always open and always ongoing. 

I'm so sorry for your loss.  In the grand scheme of timing, it's really fresh.  Maybe consider that your DH (like many men) is processing all of the emotional fallout in a more delayed manner.  You aren't going to TTC again for a few months, so I wouldn't try to hash it out with your DH just yet.

Yes this 100%. I agree with this so much its not even funny.

MrsCodeMonkey

Thank you, ladies! Many hugs to everyone who was in the same boat at some point. I don't wish this on anyone.

Writing down my thoughts and reading what you said, I am not being rational. It's definitely the grief/hormones talking. I feel incomplete and like something is missing and I'm obviously trying to mend what's broken somehow and fill the void with a new pregnancy. Everyone says that time heals. I just wish I could do something in the meantime. Spending time with DD is the only thing I can do that helps.

MrsCodeMonkey

@Aluenna you described it exactly. I want to pretend it didn't happen. To either go back to a month ago or fast forward to a few months when I could be pregnant again.

I definitely need to come to terms with it.