Going to be a single lgbt mom.. could use some advice

SingleMomOf6

I'm currently working a full and part time job, also currently putting myself through online school to become an infant, child and adolescent mental health counselor. I want 6 kids. As you saw by my headline I'm going to be a lgbt mom, I'm a lesbian. I don't really plan on ever getting married, I've been engaged twice (I'm only 19) I never really thought after my last break up I would find anybody like her, so I plan to raise my kids by myself. I'm just wondering for those of you who have done in vitro fertilization, what was your ideal age to start it? Yes I know it's extremely expensive, and it's probably more expensive in a city like Seattle (where I plan to relocate to work after I have my degree) but I don't want to stay where I'm currently living. I hate it here. So any advice on how I should proceed I'm grateful for. Thank you !

TikiTurtle

Have you checked out the lgbt board? I'm sure you could find a lot of great Info and support there.

pmarie33

SingleMomOf6 said:

I've been engaged twice (I'm only 19) I never really thought after my last break up I would find anybody like her, so I plan to raise my kids by myself.

You have plenty of time to find a partner. You're only 19.

Twinkie0612

fredalina said:

I was under the impression that IUI (intrauterine insemination) would come before IVF. I think you need to base your timing on when you are best able to be a (single) mom, when you have your career in the best position and have a very strong reliable support system.

All of this plus I would start saving money to put towards the cost of treatment.  Many insurances don't cover IF treatments and they can get price OOP.  My IUIs cost over $1,000 a pop and that was with clomid which is an inexpensive fertility med.  IVF easily costs $15,000 with meds.

FemShep

Being a single parent is really, really, really hard. My best advice to you is to wait: wait until you've completed your schooling, have established yourself in your career, have a solid financial cushion (including the treatments you'll need to get pregnant), and have an amazing support system in place. Take a good look at things you may want to do, like extensive travel, that are more difficult with kids, and give yourself time to grow into being an adult. Don't rush it.

oneblessedmess

FemShep said:

Being a single parent is really, really, really hard. My best advice to you is to wait: wait until you've completed your schooling, have established yourself in your career, have a solid financial cushion (including the treatments you'll need to get pregnant), and have an amazing support system in place. Take a good look at things you may want to do, like extensive travel, that are more difficult with kids, and give yourself time to grow into being an adult. Don't rush it.

All of this. Slow down, OP. There is no reason to worry about children right now. Finish school, find a good job, relocate. Then calculate how much six kids will cost. I could not ever imagine wanting to be a single mom of six children, especially not at 19 or even now (I'm 24), but if you are totally comfortable with that plan then go for it. Just make sure you do your research first. Don't have six kids just for the sake of having six kids.

FemShep

Also, OP, you may want to head over to the Working Moms board and take a look at the 2 in Daycare post. The amount women spend on daycare for 2 LOs is pretty eye-opening/horrifying, and something to consider if you're thinking about 2 (or 6!) kids.

LnR70707

6 kids via IVF??  Good luck with that

workitmom84

my advice is to slow down and take some time to grow up. when I think back to where and who I thought I was at 19 (/20/21/22), it's almost comical how different things have turned out. I figured that I would have been married and have three kids by now. I just got married last year and have my first on the way and I'm still overwhelmed. I have a great job and so does my husband, but daycare for one is already daunting in our area. If you find daycare for $100 dollars a week (unlikely), and have three in daycare at any given time, get ready for $1200 dollars a month alone in child care costs.take time to finish school and, who knows? maybe you'll meet mr/mrs right while you're finishing your education.

rjeller32

emilyd516 said:

my advice is to slow down and take some time to grow up. when I think back to where and who I thought I was at 19 (/20/21/22), it's almost comical how different things have turned out. I figured that I would have been married and have three kids by now. I just got married last year and have my first on the way and I'm still overwhelmed. I have a great job and so does my husband, but daycare for one is already daunting in our area. If you find daycare for $100 dollars a week (unlikely), and have three in daycare at any given time, get ready for $1200 dollars a month alone in child care costs.take time to finish school and, who knows? maybe you'll meet mr/mrs right while you're finishing your education.

I agree with this. I got EXTREMELY lucky and found a wonderful woman to watch my two kids for 600/month. But in our old city, I was paying 575 for just one.

The idea of family at such a young age sounds great, but take it slow. I got pregnant at 18, and married at 19. Had my second a month before my 21st. While I love our family, it's taken a lot of work to get financially stable, as well as mature in our marriage. And I get extremely envious of friends my age that get to travel or go out for drinks on a whim.

Now DH is in ND for the next year, and what lack of a social life I had when he is here has turned into me surrounded by poopy diapers, laundry and piles of work I take home every day.

Enjoy your young years. They don't last forever. Don't rush into parenting because you want it. Go into parenting when you are fully prepared for the effects it will have on you.

DebateThis

So you've gotten engaged twice by 19, don't have a degree or a job yet but plan to relocate to one of the highest COL cities in the country and then as a single parent afford both IVF and then daycare/health insurance costs for six children?

Honey, you're utterly dreaming. Your cart is so far in front of the horse you can't see it anymore. First things first: figure out why you are so inclined to jump in and out of relationships/engagements. Do some serious self-reflection and examination over the next few years. Don't write off finding a spouse now because you haven't found one yet.

Next: Get your degree. Get a job with benefits that will allow you to provide for a family. Relocate to Seattle if you still want to or can. Find a home suitable for children. Get some savings under your belt and establish your credit history. Get life insurance and your "responsible adult" ducks in a row. THEN consider donor IUI or IVF. And, really, see how the first kid goes before you settle on six.

Also, PP is correct that daycare is incredibly expensive. I know Seattle's comparable to Chicago as far as dcp costs and we'll be spending around $1800 for one child. Even with sibling discounts, you're looking at several thousand a month in JUST childcare costs. That's not anything else your future child(ren) might need like a home, food, clothing, healthcare costs, braces, transportation for several children etc.

This has nothing to do with you being lgbt and everything to do with you needing to slow the eff down and be an adult for awhile before you start talking like you are.

Ducktale

DebateThis said:

So you've gotten engaged twice by 19, don't have a degree or a job yet but plan to relocate to one of the highest COL cities in the country and then as a single parent afford both IVF and then daycare/health insurance costs for six children?

Honey, you're utterly dreaming. Your cart is so far in front of the horse you can't see it anymore. First things first: figure out why you are so inclined to jump in and out of relationships/engagements. Do some serious self-reflection and examination over the next few years. Don't write off finding a spouse now because you haven't found one yet.

Next: Get your degree. Get a job with benefits that will allow you to provide for a family. Relocate to Seattle if you still want to or can. Find a home suitable for children. Get some savings under your belt and establish your credit history. Get life insurance and your "responsible adult" ducks in a row. THEN consider donor IUI or IVF. And, really, see how the first kid goes before you settle on six.

Also, PP is correct that daycare is incredibly expensive. I know Seattle's comparable to Chicago as far as dcp costs and we'll be spending around $1800 for one child. Even with sibling discounts, you're looking at several thousand a month in JUST childcare costs. That's not anything else your future child(ren) might need like a home, food, clothing, healthcare costs, braces, transportation for several children etc.

This has nothing to do with you being lgbt and everything to do with you needing to slow the eff down and be an adult for awhile before you start talking like you are.

This. I didn't have the energy to respond with all that needs to be said. What she said.

rjeller32

Joy2611 said:

rjeller32 said:

I agree with this. I got EXTREMELY lucky and found a wonderful woman to watch my two kids for 600/month. But in our old city, I was paying 575 for just one.

Wow.  WOOOOOW.  Daycare in Philadelphia will run us ~$1600/month for one child full time.  I have nightmares about daycare costs.

INSANE. Average for two I was finding around here was $1200, but then we found an at home, three houses down, with DH's aunt. She said she normally charges $60 a day for two kids, but she gave us $40 a day.

And the other d/c was on my college campus, so I did get a discount, but it was still no where near $1200. More like $700 (I think at least). If I had to pay out $1200 for daycare, I would just be a stay at home mom.

FemShep

I'm in Boston, and I'm paying $2600 a month for infant care for one child. It's pretty insane-and I'm guessing Seattle isn't much cheaper.

PunkyBooster

Joy2611 said:

rjeller32 said:

I agree with this. I got EXTREMELY lucky and found a wonderful woman to watch my two kids for 600/month. But in our old city, I was paying 575 for just one.

Wow.  WOOOOOW.  Daycare in Philadelphia will run us ~$1600/month for one child full time.  I have nightmares about daycare costs.


For real. We pay $1375 a month in charleston, sc. That's a big reason we are putting 4 years between kids. And we moved out of Boston before DS was born namely bc of the HCOL. I couldn't have swung that kind of daycare cost.

rjeller32

FemShep said:

I'm in Boston, and I'm paying $2600 a month for infant care for one child. It's pretty insane-and I'm guessing Seattle isn't much cheaper.

My niece is in a private school type daycare, and they pay $700 a week. But before they chose to splurge, they were finding quite a few in the area around $1000 per month.

FemShep

rjeller32 said:

FemShep said:

I'm in Boston, and I'm paying $2600 a month for infant care for one child. It's pretty insane-and I'm guessing Seattle isn't much cheaper.

My niece is in a private school type daycare, and they pay $700 a week. But before they chose to splurge, they were finding quite a few in the area around $1000 per month.

She's lucky.  Where we live and work (Cambridge), it's pretty much impossible to find infant care under $2k/month-when you can find availability at all.

MMason12

fredalina said:

6 kids via IVF??  Good luck with that

She could do it all at once, Nadia Sulemon style.

That is exactly what I was thinking! 

MMason12

FemShep said:

I'm in Boston, and I'm paying $2600 a month for infant care for one child. It's pretty insane-and I'm guessing Seattle isn't much cheaper.

That is INSANE!!  Without a doubt I would instantly become a sahm. 

bugandbibs

I've never been so grateful as I am after reading this thread, that I don't have to pay for daycare.

AandJ28

@FemShep - I'm in Boston also and H and I have discussed me becoming a sahm strictly because of daycare costs. It's crazy expensive! 

FemShep

It's so depressing, isn't it @AandJ28 ?  We might have more flexibility if we lived or worked further out from the city, but since we're both in Cambridge, it's so frustrating.  We pay more for daycare than we would for college.  I can't wait until DD2 starts school!

AandJ28

@FemShep - it is absolutely crazy! We live south of the city (we both work in the city) and even where we live it's not much cheaper. I mean you can find cheaper but even then it goes by "you get what you pay for"... I've lived in the Boston area my whole life and honestly, I can't even fathom how things aren't expensive everywhere... then I watch "House Hunters" and am blown away! 

CarolineEmma

AandJ28 said:

@FemShep - it is absolutely crazy! We live south of the city (we both work in the city) and even where we live it's not much cheaper. I mean you can find cheaper but even then it goes by "you get what you pay for"... I've lived in the Boston area my whole life and honestly, I can't even fathom how things aren't expensive everywhere... then I watch "House Hunters" and am blown away! 

I'm in the DC area. House Hunters makes me want to move away so badly. Sometimes I feel like we're throwing money out the window living in such a HCOL area!

JJBish

You sound like my sister, except she waited until her mid-thirties before doing anything. It was really hard on her being a single mom, and she had a good amount of money saved and a house. She decided to have a baby because of her age, despite still being in school. While it has worked out for her (she is now happily married), it has worked out because of her life-experience and planning. Do your school first, see if you find someone, get established, and then go make a baby!