**working moms** - follow up post

MOMama987

I posted this in the thread, but wanted it up at the top, because I'm an AW and really need some input... 

has anyone gone through any back-to-work depression? I don't think it's post-partum, to be honest, but I'm feeling like I'm really struggling here. I know part of it is not enough sleep, part of it is not being entirely happy with work.. but most of it? all of it? is really wanting to be at home with LO, even though there is no possible way I can. Are you dealing with this, too? I mean, everything at work just feels so trivial and meaningless, to be honest. I never LOVED my job, but I'm pretty good at it, make decent money, and spent a long time (and way too much $) going to school for it. And now? It's like I just don't give a sh*t. Half the reason I'm on the bump all day is because it helps me feel closer to mamahood... and that's just making my work suffer more. I'm having such a hard time finding balance. LO goes to bed at 8. I get home at 6. My H picks him up at daycare at 5 (he WFH, so he has more flexibility than I do... but can't keep LO at home, because he's way too busy with work)... and has played with him for an hour. I get home, change quick into casual clothes, hang out with LO, put him to bed... but it's still only 2 hours. TWO HOURS. And I get about an hour with him in the morning (my husband and I tag team with him in the morning; he's been getting up about 6, and LO and I leave at 7:45 for daycare). So, I spend maybe THREE HOURS with him tops - and that's when I don't have an errand to run after work or something. He spends NINE HOURS at daycare. And THREE with me. I know he knows me and loves me and trusts me, and that I'm making an impact on him and all that stuff, but holyhell... this is not what I expected, y'know? Tips? Commiseration? Promises it will get better with time? I've been back for 6ish weeks. Sigh...  My husband told me to expect it to be "Yay! You had a baby. Now get back to work." He wasn't kidding. I really just want to sit and shoot the shit about my kid, but I work with a bunch of BTDT moms and a bunch of bubbly 20somethings w/out kids, for the most part. For them... the novelty of asking (or listening) has really worn off, I'm afraid.

I actually DO have to get some work done, so probably won't check in for a while (or til tonight after LO goes to bed)... but appreciate any words of wisdom that anyone can share. 'Cuz right now, I'm debating therapy... debating it, because it's just one more thing to take me away from LO, which is kind of the last thing I want to do. 

smg2302

I feel the same way!  My favorite time of day is 5:30am when I wake her up for breakfast and MH isn't awake yet so I can get in some quality alone time.  My strategy has been TV shows can stay on the DVR, friends and family can be a bit more understanding, and make the most of the three hours in the evening as much as humanly possible.  It's definitely not a solution, it's just my coping mechanism.  TGIF has taken on a whole new meaning.

MOMama987

@beaubecca - it's all a front ;-) Seriously, though... it's just been building up for a while. And @smg2302 - I'm all about coping mechanisms at this point.

I do know I need to just give it time, and this is my new reality... it's just... wow. some days are just SO hard. today is one of them. (This week, actually.)

ETA - @2010bride2be... thanks for the commiseration. Sometimes I think that's probably my best coping mechanism - just knowing that others are going through it, too. 

snowgirl427

I agree with you. I like my job but I only work because we need the money and benefits. If I didn't have to, no way would I work. I get about 30 mins in the am and 2 hrs or so in the afternoon. Plus I get to bf throughout the day but only about 10 mins at a time.
I find my motivation to be very low...

TrulyBlessed22

All of the above...in my perfect world I'd work part-time only but that just can't happen right now. Is that an option for you? Can you drop a day or work shorter days?

surpriseaddition

When I read this, I wonder if there is any way you could quit your job. You said you don't even like your job. I'm all for working moms, and I know many women who need that since it is such a large part of their self identity. I also know there are those that truly cannot afford it. However, very few people can transition to one income and not feel the sacrifice. Have you really looked at all the options, since it seems your heart wants to be at home. When I had my first LO back in 1998, I was making $80,000 a year, plus bonus....no joke! I knew I'd always go back to work, since everyone I worked with before I had kids were working moms if they had kids. You really aren't usually exposed to the SAH world. When I went back, I also felt so disconnected from my job. I just no longer cared. It was a lot of money to walk away from, and I was even making more than DH at the time. I tried going back full time when DD1 was 4 months. I hated it. DH and I did a lot of talking/fighting over it and he even accused me of tricking him into thinking I would always work. I just couldn't predict how hard being away from LO would be. We really sat down with the budget and cut, cut, cut. Like literally...I've been cutting my DHs hair since that time (the last 15 years) so we could save the cost of a barber every 4-6 weeks. I get my hair cut once a year at Great Clips. But, we could then afford for me to work at my job part time. My boss said she'd give it a try. After 6 months of 2 days in the office and a 1/2 day from home, she said I had to go back to full time. Well, we decided to relocate with DHs job out of NYC area to a lower cost of living place so I could stay home full time. It was a ton of sacrifice, but I never regretted it. I took a job at the YMCA child care changing diapers and mopping floors nights and weekends to make a little more $ while DH watched the kids. Could you do something like that? Get a weekend/night type job? Cut a lot out of your budget? You may be making good money, but if you subtract out daycare costs, potentially dropping into a lower tax bracket since you pay less when your family income is lower, no commuting/work clothes costs, etc. how much money are you really talking? Can you squeeze that out somewhere? If you've read this far, know that I'm not trying to depress you more. I just know we felt there was no way we could afford for me to stay home...but it wasn't really true. It would just be easier to have me go back to work than to really, really struggle. But, emotionally I just couldn't do it....and yes, I threw away a ton of money. When my older kids got older and started school, I got my masters degree to be a teacher so I'd still have the summers and school breaks with my kids. I wanted all the time i could get with them....although I do love teaching as a job so I'm going to try going back when LO is 6 months. If I hate it, I'll stop working again. Good luck with this really hard transition to being a working mom.

emg2010

I haven't gone back yet but I've been worried about it. Just thinking about it makes me very upset. I cry every time I think about my first day back. I know it's normal to be upset and everyone says it gets better but I wonder what happens if it doesn't. I think what makes me the most upset is the amount of time I will get with him. It will be exactly like your schedule and it breaks my heart. Some stranger will be spending more time with my baby and it breaks my heart. I wish I could stay home but there's no way I can. I have no tips and haven't gone through it yet but I understand what you are saying.

PumpkinAndThePeanut

No advice - I go back tomorrow and will be feeling the exact same way. I just wanted to give you internet hugs.

MOMama987

Unfortunately, I owe six figures in student loans. Even if I cut... there is just no way. It is what it is. Plus, my H is a freelancer. He makes good money but it isn't always steady, and I carry the insurance. We already moved from The Bay Area to the Midwest for a lower cost of living... and money is still tight.

Shelenec

I know exactly how you feel. I wondered too if I am slightly depressed or just adjusting to major life changes? Three hours a day with my guy is very difficult. I even enjoy our late night feeding time together. My MIL watched LO one evening so that my H and I could go to dinner. I started crying when I had to say goodbye to him. It was only a few hours. But is was a few less that I would get to spend with LO. I do hope it's just tiredness and adjusting; which I think it is. Hang in there.

rebaann

I don't have any tips, but I can commiserate.  I leave before she gets up in the morning, so I don't see her until I get her from day care at 5:15.  At least I have more hours in the evening, even if she's napping for part of them.  I wish I could afford to stay at home or cut back my hours but as the primary earner, that isn't going to happen.

MOMama987

Thanks, ladies. All of this has been a big help. This board is amazing and I'm really glad to have found this community. I think I am going to look into an EAP. I know long-term staying at home isn't really what I want to do - I think I just need some better coping skills, and be kinder to myself. This adjustment isn't going to happen overnight, and I think I need to be better about remembering that.  I'm also going to lunch with a woman at work that I don't know that well next week - she's one of the few people I know here who has a little one at home (that isn't my boss... my boss has a little one, too, but I don't feel comfortable opening up to her) - if nothing else, it'll be someone else to complain to ;-) Thanks again, ladies... and TGI freaking F!

smg2302

I think you said it perfectly.  We need to be kinder to ourselves.  As difficult as this is, I'm willing to bet most of us didn't come from families where our mothers stayed out home.  I feel pretty well adjusted, and never question the love my mother has for me, so I'm fairly certain my daughter will feel the same way.  It's hard now, but we will all get to a point where we are comfortable with what we're doing.

bhjones1980

I am right there with you, no advice, just feel your pain.

I leave the house at 6am every morning before LO is awake, commute 90 minutes each way, and get home around 5:30pm (he is usually napping), so I see him from around 6:30pm to 8:30pm at the latest, most of that time he is fussy, it SUCKS!

Not to mention I am getting pressure at work to stay later, cutting into my few precious hours at home with him.. ummm no!

the weekends can not come fast enough.  And add in the work travel I do, which I just got done with my first 5 days business trip, and have two more coming up.  I am over it!

coffeeandbooks

I am not happy with my work situation either.   Basically, I can't focus on work because I am worried about LO, and I can't focus on LO because I have to work, so there seems to be no winner there. 
I am basically working for benefits for my family.   I know benefits are important but more and more I am thinking I want to just be with LO.   Before I had a corporate job, I was a nanny.  Kids/babies love me and I love them.    I have always loved watching children, and now I don't get to fully watch my own because we need healthcare.   Stinks.