Soon-to-be dad in serious need of help/advice.

Singledad23

Greetings all. I am a few weeks away from having a baby girl, which is fantastic, but I am struggling terribly with the mom. The pregnancy was unplanned and happened very early in our relationship, and that put tremendous strain on us as a new couple (though we were head over heels in love). After struggling for quite a while, my ex announced that we were now split up, and promptly broke off all contact with me. This is despite the fact that we had spent four months working towards being a family. I'm hardly perfect, but I worked my ass off to support her in every way I could, and I have continued to offer whatever I can, but she simply refuses to communicate. She would probably argue with this assessment, but I think she is struggling with serious mental illness (I won't go through all the reasons I think this, but there are many). I don't know where she's delivering, I have no idea if my daughter is healthy and on track, and I'm kind of falling apart. Months ago, she said we could work on a parenting plan after the baby is born, but she has gone back on her word a number of times, and I'm operating in a total information vacuum. My mom called her mom (no response), I called her dad (no response), and I have tried talking with her best friend, who told me that my ex had specifically asked her not to respond to me.  

I have worked with a mediator (she asked me to hire one, then refused to see him), and he has suggested I hire a private detective to figure out if she is still even in the city and what her plans are. That feels batshit crazy to me, but I really am desperate. I know just saying this doesn't mean much, but I'm a really good human being, and I know I can be a great father to this child, and loving and providing for my daughter is far and away my highest priority. If anyone has any thoughts or resources you would be willing to share, I would be very thankful.

MinnesotaMomma91

Get a lawyer, take the mediators advice, and dont just make a parenting plan get a custody order hope it all works out

20thirteen

LAMuehlen said:

Get a lawyer, take the mediators advice, and dont just make a parenting plan get a custody order hope it all works out

What she said. Especially if you believe she is suffering from some sort of mental (or emotional) issue. If you take her to court, you can ask for a psychological assessment and if they find her unfit, they could order that the baby live with you (if that is what you want).  Be prepared to take a paternity test, because even if you both know that you're the father, the court wants proof. Good luck!

babymama619

Oh that sounds tough. I agree with PPs. Get a lawyer and follow his advice. The PI might not be a bad idea but I agree sounds a little crazy. Unfortunately when she's having the baby she's the patient and until you establish paternity she's the only parent. Also, maybe check with the dad board on here. In my experience most of the posters on this board are women. As for your suspicious about her mental health, document everything( just in an informal notebook) so it won't just be your work against hers. Good luck!

EarthandFire

Three cheers for real men. Most on here are women dealing with children. It's good to see a dad who's stepping up and fighting for his child.

Consult a lawyer first is my advice. Go online and look for one who's versed in father's rights. There are usually groups in each state and lawyers who are proponents of fathers rights. I'm not sure how much can be done for the birth but off you have anything where she tells you that you're the father OR that you'll never see YOUR child she's at least admitting paternity. You'll still probably need a DNA test if she fights you but that could get you in the door to see your daughter sooner than later. They can do paternity tests at the hospital and you'll have results in about 2 weeks. I would seek a lawyer in advance to get an order for testing at the hospital. (Yes you still have to find her, a lawyer can help) Her behavior is obviously intended to denying you your child. Save the text from her friend stating she's been asked not to talk to you. That's important. You have rights. If you suspect mental instability, save any documentation you have for that as well. The court will look at your daughters best interest so you will need a strong case. Don't give up. There are dozens of women around here who with there BD's were so determined to provide for there children. I'm happy to help any dad who wants to make his child's life better. I'm glad you're here.

Singledad23

Ugh. Thanks for the positive words. I hate the idea of lawyers and courts, but I need to at least prepare for that, as it seems she intends to walk all over me. I'm very frustrated with the mom obviously, but I don't wish her harm or want to get back at her. I just really feel that my daughter deserves both her parents, and I guess family court is how things are probably going to go. I am one heartbroken poppa, but hopefully I'll get to see my little girl soon and all the good feelings will eclipse the bad ones.

EarthandFire

Lawyers are like police officers, they're there to protect your rights. From what you've said she's been unfair to you. Without a court order you have no rights. This isn't about harm. The court will make sure you provide what your daughter deserved and they'll make sure your daughter gets the time with dad she deserves. You deserve a chance at a relationship with your child. They protect both parties. Without a CO you will be at BM's mercy and good will. You'll make it through and holding your DD will make it all worth it.

MinnesotaMomma91

Lawyers can seem intimidating but there not. I got a good lawyer to handlemy divorce. I had an abusive ex whose aunt had a lot of money. My parents wanting me divorced payed formy lawyer and we filed first.

The fact i had a lawyer intimidated my ex enough he just signed the papers. Anyways. If i have to go for custody which i doubt i will ill lawyer up again. My son is to important not to. And im sure you feel.the same about your little girl

babymama619

totally unrelated, but maybe you want to change your avitar too

inthelost

LAMuehlen said:

Get a lawyer, take the mediators advice, and dont just make a parenting plan get a custody order hope it all works out

  exactly this. and I think it's wonderful that you want to be in your daughter's life, and you should have that right.