Preemie Age Question

Snufflyfluffy

OK so I don't want to be rude but I am not sure how this works.  My niece is a preemie and my sister in law is celebrating her actual birthday and the day she was supposed to be born (they are about 3 months apart).  She says this is normal and all preemies do it and that I just don't know because I don't have a preemie.  Is that true? Do most preeemies get 2 birthdays the first year and if so, how long does it continue to happen for?

MissChanandlerBong

We didn't "celebrate" DD's due date/expected birthdate.  It was definitely recognized by our families (like we just talked about how it was so surreal to think we would just be meeting her then, even though we already knew her for four months).  She was still in the NICU at the time (came home a couple weeks after her due date) so maybe that changes things?  I'm not sure if that all makes sense, but basically, we just had a regular party on her actual birthday! 

Missa_g

Honestly, IMO a preemie mom can do whatever they want to help them heal. In a sense preemies do get two birthdays, their actual and the day they were due. We personally celebrate actual birthday and then have a personal family celebration for the day they came home from the NICU two months later.

+ASH+

I can't see myself throwing two parties for the same people. That just comes off as gift-grabby to me. I can see myself taking DD to get a cupcake or some small, personal celebration on May 3, which is the day she came home.

Snufflyfluffy

May I should explain more, so her birthday was August 20th and they had their own thing on her birthday and DH and I and a bunch of other family just visited for labor day and did presents and a mini party.  Well they are coming to visit in October and SIL suggested doing a joint birthday party for our kids (the due date was Nov 14 and my son's birthday is Dec 7) and it just kind of surprised me that she is going to have 4 seperate celebrations for her kid to turn one. But it seems like maybe this is just me and I really don't get it because I haven't been through it.

direy25

May I should explain more, so her birthday was August 20th and they had their own thing on her birthday and DH and I and a bunch of other family just visited for labor day and did presents and a mini party.  Well they are coming to visit in October and SIL suggested doing a joint birthday party for our kids (the due date was Nov 14 and my son's birthday is Dec 7) and it just kind of surprised me that she is going to have 4 seperate celebrations for her kid to turn one. But it seems like maybe this is just me and I really don't get it because I haven't been through it.

That's just it, you haven't been through it. I don't mean to come off as bitchy but it really is one of those things you'll never be able to understand unless you've been through it. I don't understand your count of 4 though - you said they did their own small thing on her actual birthday, a celebration over Labor Day because the family was all together, and then the joint party she's suggesting around the due date. Where's the 4th?

Snufflyfluffy

The 4th is the one they are doing on Nov 14th, they are still doing that one also and that is why I figured I would ask here instead of just spouting off what I think to her and then sound really ignorant and hurt the relationship with her, I would rather you guys think I am uninformed. And you aren't being bitchy but I am trying to understand so I can be sensitive about it.

Brummy14

Missa_g said:

Honestly, IMO a preemie mom can do whatever they want to help them heal. In a sense preemies do get two birthdays, their actual and the day they were due. We personally celebrate actual birthday and then have a personal family celebration for the day they came home from the NICU two months later.

Exactly. We will do a celebration on their birthday, and likely a NICU coming-home day celebration just among us. Because, to us, that's the reason to celebrate. Their birthday, at least for now, is fraught with such awful memories -- it's hard to look back on that day with immense joy (at least at this stage).

PhillyGal34

A few things
1 no one but a preemie mom can understand. That doesn't mean you can't ask but in the end it still may not make sense to you
2 she may have had a number of parties no matter what if the family couldn't all make one day or isn't in the same area. It may not just be a preemie thing
3 we had ds's party on the day his was born but also "celebrate" his coming home day which is the 4th of July. We also have a private tradition where we will write him a letter on his due date and give them to him when he's 18. No one else "celebrated" that with us but they day will always be bittersweet for us.
4 as for how long she will celebrate these dates.... Who knows. We all heal at different rates
5 I would say nothing to her about these parties. This is how she's healing. Let her heal. If anyone questioned how I was healing I'd be furious with them. I'm very protective of my preemie and of our journey. No one else's opinions matter. Except dh of course but it was his journey too.

takmjs

I'd like to applaud you for understanding that she has gone through a unique experience as a preemie mom. It is traumatizing, especially the earlier your baby/babies were born. We celebrated my DD's actual birthday. We chose not to do anything on her due date birthday or the day she came home from the NICU, but trust me, I knew it was the anniversary of those dates and mentioned it to those close to me. Someone else had a good point that it still may hurt to celebrate the actual birthday, because typically it wasn't a happy day if they came so early. You're aware of the sensitivity of the situation, and I would let it go. She might want to celebrate both dates (not sure of your 4 either; I count the Labor Day one and the November one) for the first year or two. I personally think it would be too much after 2 years of it, although she could do something herself for her baby.

Mrs. Alice

We had a little cake and candles on their actual 1st birthday then a party for the family a couple weeks later.  I took some pics and recognized their 1st homecoming anniversary for FB and then on their 1st EDD I got them a cupcake and took some pictures and posted on FB.  Otherwise the only party we had to celebrate their birthday was the actual birthday party.  I don't think I will do anything special for the 2nd year homecoming and EDD anniversaries but it will definitely be on my mind.  The first year celebrations for preemies are particularly emotional and I don't see anything wrong with what she's choosing to do.  Thank you for trying to be sensitive to her feelings.