Knock-Down, Drag-Out

NativeFloridian

So I've been vaguebumping about a fight my mom and I had because I gave my word I wouldn't post about it.  But I promised about FB and said nothing about TB so I'm telling because LOOPHOLE.

Dudes, my mom and stepdad are royally pissing me off.  It all started about five years ago when I moved out of my parents' house for the first time and they insisted that it was fundamentally fucked up of me to not allow DD1 (then my only child) to see them every weekend because she was so used to being with them.  At the time all I saw was the ability to be child-free every weekend.  Fast forward to today, and, more than an expectation that my kids are staying every weekend, there is the expectation that they can do whatever the hell they want all weekend without consequence and in excess.  They come home screaming and crying, overwrought and sugared up, defiant as all hell.  My parents have also truly begun to believe they can parent my children, and have gone so far as to spank my children despite being told that I do not and never will spank my children.  "Well," said my mom, "You can do what you want but I sure as hell will spank them if they deserve it."

So last week, after spending the better part of a month thinking it out and trying to find a diplomatic way of explaining that they will not be going over there every weekend, or even every other weekend, or with any real regularity, I approached the topic with my mother.  No need to type up what I said, but I was very respectful and was using "I" statements rather than being accusatory.  Well, I may as well have just thrown mud in her eyes.  She took offense, began to argue with me, and when I stood my ground and began to get riled up myself, she resorted to calling me a Nazi (mind you, she was in the car with my kids, driving them to their last weekend at the grandparents' house) and then told me she was going to drop them off at a place in town and that I could eat shit, then hung up on me.

Moments later my stepdad called me and I tore him a new asshole, because he's just as guilty as she is and was trying to defend her and threaten me into taking back my decision.  I refused.

They finally started trying to appeal to me respectfully, and I thought we'd made some progress, but I just now found out they spanked my two year old while she was over there.

My fire has been ignited again.  I'd ask someone to talk me down, but I really need to get it through to them that this shit is not fucking okay.

RAGING.

theseaword

Sounds like they don't respect you. You are the mother- you control who has access to your children and how often. Personally, I would cut them off for a loooong time- until they demonstrate that they will respect your decisions.

And you're definitely in the right here.I would press charges on anyone who laid a hand on my child, personally.

Sorry they suck.

CurlyQ284

I wouldn't allow my kids to go there anymore unless I'm there as well. This is unacceptable.

ASmallWonder

You are not crazy and you are totally justified.  I would bluntly tell them in no uncertain terms "I thought we understood each other but it's clear you are not taking me seriously.  My kids will not be visiting you again until or unless you can show you respect my parenting decisions."  Hard.stop.

RondackHiker

What @elmoali said.

Don't argue. This isn't a debate. If they yell, say it's not up for discussion and you need to go if they aren't going to listen. Hang up.

Debating and arguing gives them power.

wiggyslilsis

I think you have every right to limit their visitation with your kids and plenty of reason. I will not leave my kiddo with anyone who won't follow my wishes. I am the mom and you do what I say even if you don't agree with it because she is my kid. They are not respecting you and they are deliberately going against you and that is not okay. I think a nice long break would do them good. Oh and also, it had to feel good to get that all out and I am glad you found a loophole so you could let it all out!

insertclevername

That is a really tough situation.  I am not in your shoes and already have a fairly distant relationship with my parents, but if my mother or father ever raised a hand to my children that would be the end of any unsupervised visits.  If they refused to respect my wishes as a parent then they do not get to spend alone time with the children.  I don't know if I would cut off all contact (although I would definitely be tempted to), but I would definitely never allow anymore unsupervised visits.  I am really sorry that you are dealing with this.

shadypines

What in the world?!?!? I would be locked up Today!. No way......

LuckyDad

Minimally, it's time for a cooling off period to be followed by further negotiations at a later date.

I'm with you that children need consistent discipline, and on that front as the parent you get to decide.

As for riled and sugared up... that's harder to control. And probably a good argument for not dropping them off every weekend.

Disneygeek77

RondackHiker said:

What @elmoali said.

Don't argue. This isn't a debate. If they yell, say it's not up for discussion and you need to go if they aren't going to listen. Hang up.

Debating and arguing gives them power.

Yep do not debate this with them. Doing so would give them the impression they have a say in the matter and they don't.

missyishere

It is not okay for them to put their hands on your child. That would be grounds for supervised visits moving forward.  Like whoa would I be PISSED!

I don't want to be snarky, but if there has been issues over the last 5 years, why continue to allow them to watch your kids?  If my parents bothered me enough, weekends without children would be on hold until waters have tamed. I mean, I get it-- time away from kids is needed, but the shitty attitude I would have to deal with after would not be enough for me to want it every weekend. 

CurlyQ284

I agree with @missyishere. It sucks but I do not rely on family for anything really because boundaries get fuzzy and I prefer a boundary laden life. I pay daycare and I need to find a babysitter but there is no confusion on the authority figure.

NativeFloridian

@missyishere It wasn't bad until we got to about the last two years or so. During the last two years I've been trying to assert myself and being ignored because my parents knew that I didn't want to hurt the kids by cutting them off. But now that the issues are clearly affecting their development, sense of security, and respect for me I have finally decided it's actually better for the kids to know where they stand and what's right even if it means their grandparents aren't in the picture.

Spin313

Honestly, I'd cut off contact entirely for a few weeks and then start adding back supervised visits at your place until it is clear that YOU are the parent and YOUR authority will be respected.

MelissaRae1525

"Well," said my mom, "You can do what you want but I sure as hell will spank them if they deserve it." <----- I would FLIP SHIT! You have all my sorries.