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December 2013 Moms
FFFC!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: FFFC!
I wouldn't pout if my DH was going through some physical changes that made him not want to have sex as frequently as we did before those changes started occurring.
That sucks. Her anti-baby anti-religious crusade is just as annoying as the people on a baby/Jesus crusade. She may not even realize it. If you pointed it out maybe she would see it. The problem is she may hate you for it and you may lose the friendship. I'd honestly just block her newsfeed on Facebook and try to avoid talking about God and kids when you are around her. If you feel like you don't have much to contribute outside of that then maybe it is time to end the friendship anyway. It's hard to have a friendship when you have nothing left in common.
Maybe I shouldn't have thrown sad in there, bc that is true, he is allowed to get sad, but I don't think they should be allowed to complain and make one feel bad about it.
Seems like you need to hide someone from your feed.
I 100% agree. There's a difference between respectfully defending your position, or explaining so others can better understand, then throwing your religion in their face and being all like, "ur wrong!!?!?>! Ur goin to hell!!!" I'd like it if people could just discuss their differences in religion with respect and acceptance, on both sides. Or, with a good healthy layer of snark. That might also work.
ETA: Wait...I just put this together. She's Catholic, but she's opposed to having children and brags about her excesses on FB? She sounds...devout...
Sometimes being DH's cook and housekeeper makes me feel like I'm his mother. Now that I know we are having a son I'm worried that this is all that I will be seen as, a cook and housekeeper.
Guess I'm saying I'm worried about losing my identity once I'm a mother.
Is this flame-worthy?
She sounds lovely. And desperate for a self identity.
Incidentally, I have an ultra-vegan friend who does this. She has a comment about everything you eat. I posted on facebook earlier in my pregnancy about having a diet coke, and she of course had to make a cutesy-but-serious comment about how I needed to make better diet choices for baby. I played it off on
facebook, but internally, I was like:
Ugh, I have friends like this. People who comment on other people's choices in this fashion are secretly extremely insecure about their own choices, and being vocal and rude about your life and your body somehow validates them. IGNORE.
I don't think it's flame worthy. I have the same fear which is why I haven't taken the step to do it just yet.
I'm going to agree that she's probably insecure about her decision to not have children and is compensating for it by playing up how good her life is without them. She has issues. I should feel bad for her.
...but I don't. Sorrynotsorry.
I leave notes if I break their taillight with my car, but that's about it.
I can't imagine leaving a note out of sheer passive aggressiveness.
Instead of a note why wouldn't you call the police or animal services.
Your note isn't going to stop that poor dog from cooking alive.
now I want to cry into a bowl of ice cream. How terrible. Call the police!! Get that dog
rescued!
Yes I would def call the police. I don't leave notes but I do use my middle finger about once a week on the interstate
Baby GIRL due 12/26
Mom+Dad+Josie+May 2015=2 under 2!!!!
I've been very active in women's rights and it's not hard for people to know that. I don't introduce myself as a former abortion clinic volunteer, but I won't hide it either.
I've had people tell me how glad they are that I now realize how precious life is since I've been pregnant. They've assumed that because I'm having a baby, I must've changed my mind.
If anything it makes me want to work harder to promote rights for all women. Nothing enrages me more than sanctimonious politicians telling me what's best for me and my family.
My (most likely NOT Flame Free) confession? I'm one of those people on SNAP. I was on it when I got pregnant. Am I using this kid to KEEP us on it? No. Am I PROUD that we're still on this? No. But it is what it is. I am not someone to be mocked, belittled, or otherwise made to feel inferior or unintelligent for trying to do what's best for my family, even if it isn't something to be praised. My priority was making sure that my daughter would get the one thing I didn't get that I could provide for her, something money can't buy. A sibling. A real, honest to goodness sibling. I have a little sister and had a little brother who died while I was in high school. However, between me and my sister is eleven years. My brother was a year YOUNGER than my sister. Because of my parents' work situations, do you know what that made me? A third parent. People mocked me when I said that before I had my daughter, but you know what? It's the EXACT same feeling. I was a miniature adult, taking care of them before I was even a teenager. That is the ONE thing I want to keep my daughter from, and in fact this is why I'm getting a tubal once this boy comes out, because I do NOT want a large age gap between my children thanks to what happened with myself and my siblings.
For anyone who says I should 'go out and find a job', how about you come hand me one? Acting as if I haven't tried, acting as if I haven't looked at any and all options available to me, is only making yourself look like a jerk and trying to belittle me. I posted a few weeks ago about applying for a job that was perfect for my skills and training, the first such job that's been available, and didn't even make it to the interview. I wouldn't be surprised if they didn't take me because I was already quite noticeably pregnant at the time. I really wouldn't. I still look online on the college webpages for the colleges in the area, looking to see what jobs they have, look and see what state jobs are open (as my DH works for the state at barely above minimum wage, but with benefits), look on Craigslist, look at the local school district. Many of the jobs I can't do either because they want someone with 'x years experience in ____' which I don't have, or they want someone with a driver's license. Why do I not have a license? Because my eyes don't work together and I can't get anyone to let me get PRACTICE driving so I can take the stupid test. Other options like McDonnald's? Uh, have you SEEN the hours they work for almost nothing? Even minimum wage, I wouldn't be getting enough for childcare, not to mention the hours they'd want me for, unless it was in walking distance (which there isn't fast food in walking distance, I've looked), I wouldn't be able to get there because DH would be at work, or asleep. Oh, just wake him up to drive me? Yeah, that would work SO well, given it would take him another hour to get back to sleep at the earliest. We would be WORSE off with me working at fast food. I'm eyeballing the Red Lobster that is in walking distance, waiting for a job opening to pop up there, but I'm really not holding my breath on that one.
As for schooling -- I was in school until I ran out of financial aid. Or rather, ran out of actually usable financial aid. I have three classes I need to take. Said three classes are offered at different times, and you can't get financial aid for less than half time, at least not from my understanding. One class I need is offered every semester, so that's not hard. One's offered every fall, again, not hard. The last class is offered every third spring semester. That's the kicker. Everyone says 'get your ass back into college'. Well. Okay. Give me money? Give me a job to get said money and get childcare? Oh, you can't do that? BACK OFF.
We literally only take what we need. We're on SNAP. My daughter we keep on medicaid because it's paying for speech therapy for her. I"m on medicaid for this pregnancy as a secondary to the insurance I'm on under DH to help cover the really expensive tests that we can't pay for. ($800 something for a blood test, whaaaa?) We've turned down WIC because there are a number of women who qualify for that, but not SNAP, and it wouldn't feel right to take it when we've got enough (just barely with planning) thanks to SNAP. If I can't breastfeed, we might turn around and go apply for it simply because formula's that expensive, but until then we won't touch it.
Also, something else to keep in mind? I've never been in a family who made more than about $28k a year. Never. And that was DH on his own combined with my meager earnings as a work study student in college which was all of $1k. My parents combined never made that much, so low income damn well doesn't mean can't care for your kids. You just have to get creative and figure it out. Unfortunately, I didn't get the right kind of creativity from my parents to figure out how to make it work with us without being on benefits, but I'm still trying.
Apologies for getting really ranty, but I thought, yes, dead horse complete with flies, but things just needed to be said, especially given this has been a really irritating topic as of late with the in-laws who keep giving ME evil looks over everything under the sun. Seriously, they bounce between worrying that what happened with Sasha will happen with this little boy, and bitching that I'm not working. I want to yell at them to make up their minds, but that won't get anything across...
I'm gonna go wish I had a freezer full of those Snickers Ice Cream Bars now. Also, hiding away in a corner before I get myself burnt to a crisp for being anything other than 'normal' or being so rambly and possibly making little to no sense.
Similar situation happened to me the other day. I've usually taken Bill Cosby's suggestion of blaming it on invisible animals. Anytime I had a surprise noisy one pop out, It was usually.. "did you hear that Duck?"
SO I had a surprise one pop out the other day. DS stopped in his tracks & looked at me like "did you really?" He's only 20 mo old so this was cute. I immidiately went for the "did you hear that duck?" routine. He just was giving me the "huh?" look so I continued what I was doing. Next thing I knew he was behind me poking me in the butt laughing saying "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy." Apparently he understands more than I think he does! I laughed so hard.
My 2 December boys
I really appreciate that you shared your experiences and situation with us being on givernment assistance. I haven't weighed in on the topic yet so I want to back track a little first by saying that I believe the majority of people who are on assistance do not abuse it and only take what they need. But my problem is not with the people on assistance it is with the way the government handles it. By telling us your story, you gave everyone an insight into how handicapping it can be. It provides you with what you need now not for anything for your future or your children's future. Why did your aid run out when you were so close to completion of school? Why haven't you been offered specific job training? Where are your childcare benefits so you can complete school and become a higher earning member of society? I get so frustrated because the system doesn't set you up with a plan to move forward or come off of assistance. It just provides you with what you need in this moment without the opportunities that you would need to better your own life. I don't mind paying taxes but what I mind is that those tax dollars are being used to maintain people on assistance without providing them the chances to make changes for themselves. You are clearly not afraid of hard work and I don't believe anyone should be told they can't have a family. I just wish that the government had more foresight to put people like you through their last three classes and help you get a job where you have a dual income home and didn't need assistance anymore.
This kinda leads me to my FFFC: I sometimes use my body pillow as a barrier between DH & I to keep him at bay when I sense he is wanting & I know I'm not in the mood. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.
For the most part DH is understanding.. however we do sometimes get into dry spells where I realize my 'lack of interest' can sometimes be a little selfish so I do give in. Some men are really just different than others when it comes to a sexual need.
My 2 December boys
Specific job training -- they offer it to single people and males who are on SNAP, not the mothers. Apparently me being home full time counts enough as a job that I don't have to do the training, and even if I wanted to volunteer to do said training (which from what I've seen and heard really doesn't do jack squat in this area except give you useless certifications that won't get you hired anywhere) the time it is, I can't get there due to DH's work schedule and my lack of a driver's license. (He works 4am to noon, time of the program is 8am to 5pm.)
Childcare -- There are so many freaking hoops to jump through for the one thing we'd qualify for, and it's stupid. If we were to put DD in it, she would have to be there every single weekday, 8am to 5pm, no matter if she's sick, no matter if we're working or not that day, and given she goes to therapy twice a week and I'm NOT sending my sick child to daycare to get other kids sick...hell, if she's just got the sniffles, I'll keep her home. If it's nothing major, I'm not going to take her to the doctor to get them a doctor's note to try to keep her in said program. Another issue with it is it takes months to get in, even with the program thing we were told about, which makes sense in a way, but at the same time...if someone's applying for it, they likely need it right then. Right now, my mom would be a possible baby sitter because she isn't working, but she's on the job hunt same as I am, except she's exclusively looking in the food industry, because that's where she's worked since before I was born. So that wouldn't be a long-term solution, either. The in-laws are well meaning, and DH's grandparents have offered to watch DD again if I manage to get a job, BUT I don't trust them with her. They've sent her home with really bad diapers and rashes before multiple times(to the point of bleeding), I've found food in her sippy cups, and to be blunt, they really can't care for her for more than an hour or two on their own anymore, let alone a newborn come December. Both of them have major health issues that wouldn't be as big a deal with DD given she's a bit bigger and can walk around on her own and all, but with a newborn? No. So, pretty much, unless I manage to get a full time job, I won't have a long-term childcare option.
I think that answered the questions asked. I hope it did!
Sorry I wasn't clear enough but I meant them rhetorically. You didn't have to justify your life's detail to me as to how you ended up where you are. But with your clarification, it sounds like you are doing a great job setting yourself up with a plan for the future, even if the government is not making it easy to use the available benefits!
CP: 01/2011 | MMC: 01/2012 | MMC: 10/2012 | DS: 11/2013 | MMC: 11/2014 | DD: 01/2016
BFP: 06/2018 - EDD: 02/09/2019
For the record, I was much more annoyed than offended. If someone had said 'hey, Meynara's a fucking idiotic moocher who's sleeping her way through the system to keep her lazy ass in her rocker' then I would've been offended going into angry. But talking about a group of people I happen to belong to, especially without knowing the specifics without me going into them, that only warrants annoyance. Even implying things (or me reading into things too much like I tend to do way too often for my own good) about a group of people gets annoyance and an annoyed response from me trying to point out that, hey, things aren't quite that. So, yeah, that's my response earlier summed up pretty well. Annoyed, and probably a little hungry. Or a lot hungry. I'm definitely going to go find food now.
Therefore, everyone else is NOT paying for EVERYTHING that is coming with this child. Yes, we are getting assistance. ASSISTANCE. Not a hand-out. If I think we can honestly do without something, we do without. We don't go to the movies, we don't go to the zoo, we don't go out and buy a crap ton of candy. Yes, I get cakes and such, stuff I still have to make at home, because it IS food, and I've been struggling to gain weight as it is (believe it or not), and baking relaxes me when I'm able to do it. But those cakes and stuff to make cookies? That's really about the only 'splurge' we get. We don't go get CDs of the latest music by our favorite artists, we don't stop at Starbucks for Pumpkin Spice thingies, we don't go to McD's or Burger King, we don't order pizza very often at all (and then only for things like DH's birthday). We don't go out and get the latest video games or systems or anything like that. Hell, we're not even getting me more clothing so that I have more than four things I can wear and fit into! We don't smoke, we don't drink. Our entertainment budget is Netflix. I don't even count Internet as part of the entertainment (even though I definitely get entertainment from it!) because I use it for job searching, for looking up things to cook that work within what we've got, for helping my sister with her school stuff now that she's started again, and other just useful things that don't fall solely under entertainment.
Now, one last thing. Is it selfish to want to give my daughter a sibling who won't be like a son to her? Quite possibly. Does this make me a horrible person? Dear gods above, I hope not. This is the ONE thing I want for my daughter, aside from the usual happy and healthy, and now that I have a son on the way, the one thing I want for him as well. Most parents trying to give their kids what they didn't have are trying to toss money at things. Me? Money is not the end all, be all of everything. I don't want to be filthy stinking rich (which, to me, anyone making six digit figures is, but I grew up in a town where only a handful of people fell under that, if that). I want enough for my family to get by on. And I'm working towards that. I will succeed, too, once I can get my foot in the door and get a job...and hopefully a license. Someday.