SA question

blackbird818

Well it's finally gonna happen. DH is going to do his SA on tomorrow.



It's taken an act of congress, but DH is taking off work on Friday to get it done. (Why he thinks he need to take off the whole day is beyond me. Men can make such mountains out of mole-hills. But it's happening so I'm not going to complain.)

Last night when he tells me all this and his plans for Friday, he says I'm going to have to give him a BJ in the parking lot. I asked, 'why can't you go into the bathroom & just look at porn on your phone?' He argued he won't be able to do it in the hospital.

So question. Did you help YH supply the sample? We live 35-40 from the hospital so due to time sensitivity we can't collect it at home. I kinda think he's being a wuss about the whole thing.

LaRomana09

I have no experience with this, but I have to ask, is he planning on collecting his sample in the parking lot, or getting the BJ and then walking into the office in that condition to give the sample?   :-/

SandSunBliss

OK I have no experience, but I have never heard of such.  If my husband requested this, he had better be joking or he would get some definite side-eye action.  He should totally be able to pull it off like a champ...  Back in their olden days, in HS and college, nobody was there providing live inspiration. I think you should tell him to:

ETA: if he honestly doesn't think he can do it in the hospital...then I would suggest he find a way to entertain himself in the car...

ETA: there are some very valid viewpoints expressed in later posts.  My initial reaction was not sympathetic to all situations and a bit harsh...  DHs, by no means, have it easy.  There is a lot of pressure on them to perform.

blackbird818

LaRomana09 said:

I have no experience with this, but I have to ask, is he planning on collecting his sample in the parking lot, or getting the BJ and then walking into the office in that condition to give the sample?   :-/

I'm assuming he meant collecting it in the car. We already have the sample cup.

LaRomana09

ahenson818 said:

LaRomana09 said:

I have no experience with this, but I have to ask, is he planning on collecting his sample in the parking lot, or getting the BJ and then walking into the office in that condition to give the sample?   :-/

I'm assuming he meant collecting it in the car. We already have the sample cup.

Hmmm, it seems like this would be challenging to pull off in broad daylight in a doctor's office parking lot (getting it in the cup and all), although it could make for some entertaining stories.  

blackbird818

SandSunBliss said:

OK I have no experience, but I have never heard of such.  If my husband requested this, he had better be joking or he would get some definite side-eye action.  He should totally be able to pull it off like a champ...  Back in their olden days, in HS and college, nobody was there providing live inspiration. I think you should tell him to:

Oh believe me there was some serious side-eye action last night lol. I don't know if it's the pressure of the whole thing or what that makes him think he won't be able to get "the job" done on his own. I completely agree with you though.

jbasore1123

If other men can do it in a cup, he can too

ky29

Do they not have a collection room where he's going?  (I only asked because you mentioned going into the bathroom... that would be awkward having to do it somewhat 'publicly'.)  My husband was given the option to do it at home or in the clinic.. he said he'd prefer to do it at the RE's office, it was easier for him.  Hopefully you guys can work something out where he's comfortable!

KMW08

Just try to be supportive. I wouldn't pressure him or compare him to any other men. Be pleasant and kindly/gently remind him why this is important to you and to him. I would try to accommodate his requests as best as possible while still being tactful.

I have no idea about SA's , but I would look into it. Would saliva or vag fluid harm it? I guess I'm questioning if a pre bj would have any effects on the SA?

My other thought, is there a hotel close by?

MsAmandaPants

Qfrump said:

Also, I assume you shouldn't be slobbering all over it anyway.  They don't need a sample of your saliva.  

This. Saliva is bad for sperm.  Seriously, can I be frank? I'm giving your man the serious side eye. He needs to suck it up. Out of all the poking and prodding we have to go through I would have zero patience for having a problem jerking off into a cup.  I'd tell him that I was pretty confident that he could handle it on his own. 

MissMandyD

I don't have any experience with this but my concern would be that the sample would be contaminated. This might be awkward but is there a way to ask a nurse at the clinic?

AnyMax

On a more serious note, the pressure of TTC has brought on some ED issues for DH.

As much as we laugh here at how they've always been able to do it on they're own before, I believe if mine has to have SA done, he will have some issues because of the pressure. Even if we've been through worse tests and procedures, try not to go too hard on YH. (Not that a parking lot bj is necessarily a solution! haha)

MyFirstRaspberry

@ahenson818 I am very happy to hear that YH is moving forward with the SA. I know you have been waiting a long time.

Regarding your question... you must be a saint because if my H asked me for a BJ I would no joke TP him... seriously, I would. I've been poked and prodded through this whole process, the very least he can do is take care of an SA himself.

I hope you and YH find a way to get the SA done successfully. I wish you luck!

Rachaeleigh

MsAmandaPants said:

Qfrump said:

Also, I assume you shouldn't be slobbering all over it anyway.  They don't need a sample of your saliva.  

This. Saliva is bad for sperm.  Seriously, can I be frank? I'm giving your man the serious side eye. He needs to suck it up. Out of all the poking and prodding we have to go through I would have zero patience for having a problem jerking off into a cup.  I'd tell him that I was pretty confident that he could handle it on his own. 


This. I'm sorry but it sounds like your DH is just acting like a dick. I'm not calling him a dick of course bc I don't know him. But. .. seriously? I do think KMs advice was right on though. Being angry or shaming definitely won't help the matter.

Oh, and pun actually not intended hahaha

MsAmandaPants

Veganlady said:

My DH bellyached about this as well. He got some side-eye and a reminder that he's the ONLY person who gets an orgasm out of this whole endeavor. He's not exactly doing the heavy lifting here.

He went to the RE and did it on his own in the collection room. I didn't ask if there was porn. He did mention that the sample didn't look like much and that it would have been better if he didn't feel so weird about doing it there.

I have heard of some gals going into the collection room to help. I would imagine you'd be limited to a hand job because other fluids aren't good for the sample.

I'm giving your husband side-eye now too.    I could be wrong, but I am guessing an orgasm is an orgasm. I can't imagine it has much impact on the volume of ejaculate produced. Like, I'm guessing a mind-blowing orgasm doesn't produce gallons of seminal fluid.

SandSunBliss

AnyMax said:

On a more serious note, the pressure of TTC has brought on some ED issues for DH. As much as we laugh here at how they've always been able to do it on they're own before, I believe if mine has to have SA done, he will have some issues because of the pressure. Even if we've been through worse tests and procedures, try not to go too hard on YH. (Not that a parking lot bj is necessarily a solution! haha)

@anymax, your perspective is very important here.  I know that many men do feel pressure to perform - I have even seen it in my own DH...

LaRomana09

MsAmandaPants said:

Veganlady said:

My DH bellyached about this as well. He got some side-eye and a reminder that he's the ONLY person who gets an orgasm out of this whole endeavor. He's not exactly doing the heavy lifting here.

He went to the RE and did it on his own in the collection room. I didn't ask if there was porn. He did mention that the sample didn't look like much and that it would have been better if he didn't feel so weird about doing it there.

I have heard of some gals going into the collection room to help. I would imagine you'd be limited to a hand job because other fluids aren't good for the sample.

I'm giving your husband side-eye now too.    I could be wrong, but I am guessing an orgasm is an orgasm. I can't imagine it has much impact on the volume of ejaculate produced. Like, I'm guessing a mind-blowing orgasm doesn't produce gallons of seminal fluid.

Actually, according to The Great Sperm Race, better sex produces more sperm and healthier sperm because it draws from further back in...wherever exactly it draws from.  

SandSunBliss

fairly unrelated funny cartoon for you ladies...

andplusalso

blackbird818

MyFirstRaspberry said:

@ahenson818 I am very happy to hear that YH is moving forward with the SA. I know you have been waiting a long time.

Regarding your question... you must be a saint because if my H asked me for a BJ I would no joke TP him... seriously, I would. I've been poked and prodded through this whole process, the very least he can do is take care of an SA himself.

I hope you and YH find a way to get the SA done successfully. I wish you luck!

Thanks @MyFirstRaspberry.

Now that some other ladies have brought it up I do remember the Dr telling me no bodily fluids so I can use that to tell DH he's on his own. And I'll offer a BJ afterwards as a bribe.

AnyMax

SandSunBliss said:

AnyMax said:

On a more serious note, the pressure of TTC has brought on some ED issues for DH.

As much as we laugh here at how they've always been able to do it on they're own before, I believe if mine has to have SA done, he will have some issues because of the pressure. Even if we've been through worse tests and procedures, try not to go too hard on YH. (Not that a parking lot bj is necessarily a solution! haha)

@anymax, your perspective is very important here.  I know that many men do feel pressure to perform - I have even seen it in my own DH...

It has fucked with my mind so bad, I cannot begin to imagine how it has affected DH, especially because it has gotten worse with each loss.

He has been given Cialis but our RE would prefer assisting us over DH taking it. Which would put him in a similar position.

Side eye them all you want, ladies, but this is an emotional time for them also. I know DH has been affected too by watching me go through all the tests.

He had a hard time going for the kareotyping blood work because he was afraid of the reality that he could find out something he has no control over could be wrong and the cause of our problems. I would think SA could cause the same thoughts.

HeyMrsPotter

rachaelhudson said:

Qfrump said:

Also, I assume you shouldn't be slobbering all over it anyway.  They don't need a sample of your saliva.  

This. Saliva is bad for sperm.  Seriously, can I be frank? I'm giving your man the serious side eye. He needs to suck it up. Out of all the poking and prodding we have to go through I would have zero patience for having a problem jerking off into a cup.  I'd tell him that I was pretty confident that he could handle it on his own. 

This. I'm sorry but it sounds like your DH is just acting like a dick. I'm not calling him a dick of course bc I don't know him. But. .. seriously? I do think KMs advice was right on though. Being angry or shaming definitely won't help the matter. Oh, and pun actually not intended hahaha

This is exasperating and deserving of a side-eye, but I've seen my DH struggle with ED as well. It's incredibly frustrating because, comparatively, his physical contribution to the process of making a baby is relatively small and simple. 

But, as Rachel says, shaming and anger would make it way worse. So as much as I want to tell him to get a grip (pun kinda intended), I just try to be patient and supportive. 

...That said, there are limits. I wouldn't be giving out any parking lot BJs. ETA: Maybe you can be supportive in other ways: text him a sexy pic to take into the room with him, a little phone sex from the parking lot, etc?

LaRomana09

Veganlady said:

LaRomana09 said:

MsAmandaPants said:

Veganlady said:

My DH bellyached about this as well. He got some side-eye and a reminder that he's the ONLY person who gets an orgasm out of this whole endeavor. He's not exactly doing the heavy lifting here.

He went to the RE and did it on his own in the collection room. I didn't ask if there was porn. He did mention that the sample didn't look like much and that it would have been better if he didn't feel so weird about doing it there.

I have heard of some gals going into the collection room to help. I would imagine you'd be limited to a hand job because other fluids aren't good for the sample.

I'm giving your husband side-eye now too.    I could be wrong, but I am guessing an orgasm is an orgasm. I can't imagine it has much impact on the volume of ejaculate produced. Like, I'm guessing a mind-blowing orgasm doesn't produce gallons of seminal fluid.

Actually, according to The Great Sperm Race, better sex produces more sperm and healthier sperm because it draws from further back in...wherever exactly it draws from.  

Whose side are you on, anyway? ;-) (I kid) I have never actually watched the great sperm race. Perhaps I should!

When we do our IUI I'll have to tell DH he gets some nooky afterward so we can get that deep down healthy sperm too.

It's worth watching!  Although it will sort of leave you feeling like, "How does anyone get pregnant ever?"  It's basically about how the female reproductive tract is the most hostile place imaginable.  

MsAmandaPants

AnyMax said:

AnyMax said:

On a more serious note, the pressure of TTC has brought on some ED issues for DH. As much as we laugh here at how they've always been able to do it on they're own before, I believe if mine has to have SA done, he will have some issues because of the pressure. Even if we've been through worse tests and procedures, try not to go too hard on YH. (Not that a parking lot bj is necessarily a solution! haha)

@anymax, your perspective is very important here.  I know that many men do feel pressure to perform - I have even seen it in my own DH...

It has fucked with my mind so bad, I cannot begin to imagine how it has affected DH, especially because it has gotten worse with each loss. He has been given Cialis but our RE would prefer assisting us over DH taking it. Which would put him in a similar position. Side eye them all you want, ladies, but this is an emotional time for them also. I know DH has been affected too by watching me go through all the tests. He had a hard time going for the kareotyping blood work because he was afraid of the reality that he could find out something he has no control over could be wrong and the cause of our problems. I would think SA could cause the same thoughts.

@anymax You raise some good points. Sorry to be so cavalier about it. (((hugs))

SandSunBliss

MsAmandaPants said:

AnyMax said:

AnyMax said:

On a more serious note, the pressure of TTC has brought on some ED issues for DH. As much as we laugh here at how they've always been able to do it on they're own before, I believe if mine has to have SA done, he will have some issues because of the pressure. Even if we've been through worse tests and procedures, try not to go too hard on YH. (Not that a parking lot bj is necessarily a solution! haha)

@anymax, your perspective is very important here.  I know that many men do feel pressure to perform - I have even seen it in my own DH...

It has fucked with my mind so bad, I cannot begin to imagine how it has affected DH, especially because it has gotten worse with each loss. He has been given Cialis but our RE would prefer assisting us over DH taking it. Which would put him in a similar position. Side eye them all you want, ladies, but this is an emotional time for them also. I know DH has been affected too by watching me go through all the tests. He had a hard time going for the kareotyping blood work because he was afraid of the reality that he could find out something he has no control over could be wrong and the cause of our problems. I would think SA could cause the same thoughts.

@anymax You raise some good points. Sorry to be so cavalier about it. (((hugs))

this, exactly... ((hugs))

blackbird818

ky29 said:

Do they not have a collection room where he's going?  (I only asked because you mentioned going into the bathroom... that would be awkward having to do it somewhat 'publicly'.)  My husband was given the option to do it at home or in the clinic.. he said he'd prefer to do it at the RE's office, it was easier for him.  Hopefully you guys can work something out where he's comfortable!

No they don't have a collection room. We're doing it at the closest hospital; my OB is about an 1.5 hrs away.

buggirl72

I'm just going to throw a gentle reminder that while the man getting to have an orgasm does not compare to what we are being physically put through, the biggest complaint of men during TTC and IF treatments is that sex becomes a chore and stops being about intimacy and desire - and that is when he gets to actually have sex with you. Imagine if you had to have an orgasm on demand in a public place. Yes, a collection room is not in front of people but everyone knows what is going on in there.  At both RE clinics I've been to, the collection room was the bathroom. You could hear everyone walking by and sometimes people jiggle the doorknob to come in. And, as a PP said, there is just a little bit of pressure being put on the man (how about a ton of pressure! Ejaculate now! In this cup at this time! And he knows you are sitting there pacing around worried about it! How the fluck would that make you feel? I'm betting it would not put you in the mood).  You need to perform by ejaculating into a cup. You are then going to give that cup to someone who is going to analyze it. If it comes back bad (which is a big fear), what does that say about you as a man? We can say it says nothing, but really, how do you think a bad SA makes a guy feel? Possibly like they are less of a man?  Just like when a woman finds out something is wrong with her eggs or her ute. It makes you feel like crap. Please sir, go ejaculate so we can judge you now. No pressure.

I'm speaking from personal experience here. My first husband and I went through four years of TTC, clomid and TI, multiple IUIs and finally, a failed IVF cycle. He had to give multiple SAs. In the end, he hated me. He knew it was wrong but it did not change the fact - and, the guy that would never have an affair, began talking to a co-worker about the stress of what TTC was doing and man, she so understood him, and did not demand that he do anything. The stress of TTC definitely played a factor in that and led to the end of that marriage.

Since my time on the bump, I have seen a few different members of our board leave because of marriage problems. Who knows how much loss played a part in those relationships falling apart but I am willing to bet that the stress of TTC was the bigger factor.  I'm not saying giving an SA is the downfall of a marriage but not listening, not being supportive, and pretty much making you guy feel like his a tool is not going to help it.

We are taking the most intimate part of our relationship and putting it on display. We are already telling our men to have sex with us on a timetable (though some of us do a good job of keeping it "spontaneous") but once you make the act of sex clinical, you need to really listen to what your DH is saying and be supportive.

Okay - gentle went out the window. Remember, it is about what BOTH of you want and what BOTH of you are willing to do to get that end result. Just because I'm willing to be poked with a million needles and have a weekly appointment with a dildo cam does not mean my DH is.

AnyMax

@buggirl72 Thank you for posting. This is the point I was trying to get across, but not articulating well at all.

Rachaeleigh

AnyMax said:

@buggirl72 Thank you for posting. This is the point I was trying to get across, but not articulating well at all.

I agree @buggirl72, you made a great point and said it well. I was being feisty in my response. You were being much more respectful

MyFirstRaspberry

I can absolutely understand how TTC and/or IF could crush a marriage. I am so sorry for what you ladies have gone through.

I agree that both partners need to support each other. For me, asking for a BJ in a parking lot is not acceptable, but asking me to come and guard the collection room or provide him with visual images he can take with him... yes, I can do that.

This process is hard on both partners and I think it is important for them to be on the same page. It may be time for a heart to heart discussion if you and your partner have different expectations about TTC.

Edited to add: @ahenson818 this is a general comment not direct to you personally. Sorry if my comment came across that way.

Amores0121

MsAmandaPants said:

Qfrump said:

Also, I assume you shouldn't be slobbering all over it anyway.  They don't need a sample of your saliva.  

This. Saliva is bad for sperm.  Seriously, can I be frank? I'm giving your man the serious side eye. He needs to suck it up. Out of all the poking and prodding we have to go through I would have zero patience for having a problem jerking off into a cup.  I'd tell him that I was pretty confident that he could handle it on his own. 

This. There is not supposed to be any saliva involved in the collection.

Eliz77

Veganlady said:

MsAmandaPants said:

Veganlady said:

My DH bellyached about this as well. He got some side-eye and a reminder that he's the ONLY person who gets an orgasm out of this whole endeavor. He's not exactly doing the heavy lifting here.

He went to the RE and did it on his own in the collection room. I didn't ask if there was porn. He did mention that the sample didn't look like much and that it would have been better if he didn't feel so weird about doing it there.

I have heard of some gals going into the collection room to help. I would imagine you'd be limited to a hand job because other fluids aren't good for the sample.

I'm giving your husband side-eye now too.    I could be wrong, but I am guessing an orgasm is an orgasm. I can't imagine it has much impact on the volume of ejaculate produced. Like, I'm guessing a mind-blowing orgasm doesn't produce gallons of seminal fluid.

I'm right there with you! I mean, if he has a great big O when we're BDing, how does he know what that looks like?  And besides, the sperm is such a small part of the volume of ejaculate, it doesn't even matter!

My guess is because when he takes care of business on his own, he knows how much he can produce...I know my H had some performance anxiety when he did his SA and he was grossed out by all the obviously used magazines and videos in the room. He did produce but commented it was a small amount. It did affect his volume reading. However, we realized later we weren't supposed to DTD 72 hours out and we did not quite 48 hours out, so that probably had more affect on volume than the performance anxiety aspect.

uneek1323

snegde said:

Well thankfully @buggirl72 and a few others showed up cause I was a little surprised for a minute. No aspect of this fucking journey is easy for either party.

**loss mentioned**

Me too. He has stood by me for every procedure and never left my side for some gross things when I was in the ER during our first loss. If he had asked me to help him with this, I wouldn't hesitate. I also agree with @jenek0213 about collection for fertility treatments. Doctors have talked about IVF with us, and if that ends up being the road we take I would want to be with him.

MsAmandaPants

snegde said:

Well thankfully @buggirl72 and a few others showed up cause I was a little surprised for a minute. No aspect of this fucking journey is easy for either party.

Certainly, what @buggirl72 and some others said was right on the nose and, as always, well stated. I totally agree with it. That said, I think the reason some of us responded the way we did was because of the way it was presented, or rather, the way I read it.  To me, it sounded less about legitimate performance anxiety and ED and more about not feeling sexy in a hospital room and wanting, specifically,  a BJ in the parking lot.  At least, that is the way I read it. 

 I think some of us were just letting off a little steam. I know all too well the pressure that our men are under and the impact that it has on them. I seriously doubt anyone would argue that point.  It fucking sucks for me, for him, and for us as a couple. Again, apologies for being too cavalier about a real issue and if I offended anyone.

MsAmandaPants

snegde said:

I get it. I was a little shocked, but I think I should just not read TB while sitting in traffic because it already makes me stabby,  but I see your point and I love ya. There is no way in hell I am giving a BJ in the parking lot regardless of the reason. That ship has sailed. That would never happen. 

Yeah, I would have responded differently if he said he was worried and wanted a little help. It was the BJ that pushed me over. But, honestly, I'm in a bitchybitterpants place and it was probably not my finest hour.  xo

buggirl72

snegde said:

snegde said:

I get it. I was a little shocked, but I think I should just not read TB while sitting in traffic because it already makes me stabby,  but I see your point and I love ya. There is no way in hell I am giving a BJ in the parking lot regardless of the reason. That ship has sailed. That would never happen. 

Yeah, I would have responded differently if he said he was worried and wanted a little help. It was the BJ that pushed me over. But, honestly, I'm in a bitchybitterpants place and it was probably not my finest hour.  xo

I like your pants. And you. And I am bitchy every day so no worries. Kisses.

I love both of your pants, bitchy or not.  Honestly, I've spent a lot of time around sarcasm and I read the BJ request that way - or at the least, not really expected.  But I totally appreciated the serious take on why you cannot do a BJ (whether in a parking lot or not) when collecting an SA.

blackbird818

Thanks ladies for all of your responses. And I honestly think DH is worrying about being able to perform under the pressure & even more so the outcome. So he wanted an outlet/encouragement to get the job done.

It's obviously not an option and will have to be a reward for afterwards. Anyway hopefully it goes well & he has superb swimmers, and that'll be the end of his 'discomfort'

clh4444

If a hotel room is an option, that's something to consider. You can help him out, sans any saliva and then take the sample over. Also didn't you say you only lived 30 minutes from doctor? I remember mine saying the sample had to be delivered to office within an hour of collection so it is still within the realm of possibility. However on the flip side, I found it kind of weird especially once we got to the aim in the cup part. I think I preferred he just take care of it and we have our own fun later. It is tough though and I know DH hates the whole clinical process hence we are not doing any IUI for several months and crossing our fingers.

blackbird818

We live closer to 40 minutes away. Plus he has to check in at the hospital before taking it to the lab. So that's a very tight window.

I guess he's gonna just suck it up & do it alone in the bathroom. He's pissed off at me today over something unrelated so the BJ deal hasn't even come up again.