Advice on visitors needed

Gibson824

Due to a variety of reasons, I am being induced at 8:00a on Tuesday morning.  I tried to get Monday seeing as it is "Labor Day", but apparently inductions are not scheduled on holidays.

Anyway, I am very adamant about not having any visitors until I have had a few hours alone with my newly expanded family to bond, nurse, what have you.  DH is on board with whatever it is I want, but says that "people are going to want to be in the waiting room."  By people, he means his family.  A few months back when I assumed I would be delivering incredibly early, I told everyone that I did not want visitors coming to the hospital until I was out of recovery (assuming a c-section delivery) and had met the babies.  Knowing his family, I told them that it would really upset me if anyone even walked past the nursery to see the babies.

Well, now I have a rough idea of when they are coming and do not know if I should share this bit of information.  I have informed my family who are very on board with whatever I want and will wait as long as I request.  I have not told his family because I know that my request will not be obeyed.  A few weeks ago I was in the hospital for some contractions and people showed up and were ready to spend the night until something happened.  I would prefer not to even tell his family until the babies are here, but I know that sh*t will hit the fan if I do that. 

These little babies will be our first (and likely last), so it is very important to me to have a few hours as a new family unit.  I just don't know how to get other people to see that without sounding like a momzilla

katiebenes

Inductions vary in length of time it takes according to my doctor. She said I could go within hours or within a day and a half or even longer. 

So you have a general idea... but its still not concrete unless it is a scheduled section (then I have only a guess that it will be a normal surgery) 

Good luck and I'll be thinking of you as we both are going to be there

24karat

Make sure the nurses/OB know your wishes as they will back you up. They do a great job of policing your room/enforcing "hospital policies" to help you out. The babies can have their checks done in your room if you want to avoid the whole walking past the nursery thing, and some hospitals will allow you to delay it till after your bonding time too.

Not to add extra stress, but inductions can take a while and are often done in stages so there's no guarantee the babies will be there within x number of hours if they did show up early to wait. If my in laws had shown up when I was admitted to start the early induction process they would've spent 2.5 days in that tiny waiting room. I'm sorry your in laws are not being understanding. Maybe explain that by telling them when you're heading in you are trusting them to respect your wishes and not abuse that trust?

LucyRicardo3

sing4mysavior said:

Your babies, your labor, your choice. If DH really is on board, just tell them after the babies come. Seriously...it's YOUR family now, the four of you...do what you need/want to do.

Absolutely. I ended up with a c/s after B flipped to breech around 8 cm. I was in labor 24 hours before that and absolutely did not want anyone near me other than DH as I was not able to get any sleep. My c/s went less than stellar, and my recovery was rough.
 Depending on your experience, if you have to go the c/s route, it's still a few hours before you are allowed to "visit" your lo's. The surgery itself takes a while to complete. I was in there about an hour after the girls were delivered getting stitched back up and cleaned up. So by the time I got back to my room the girls were a few hours old and I only got a quick glimpse of B. A was rushed to NICU STAT for breathing difficulty. Even though I was far from home and no one was there other than DH, my nurse went over my wishes of "NO VISITORS" and was ready to enforce if needed.
I realize many family member are naive about this and think it's another party. Maybe too many false perceptions thanks to fake reality tv.
My Mom got her feelings hurt because we didn't call the second they were born. It took until the next day for her to finally get some understanding of what we'd been through and there's no way to call in the OR. When she came the next day with my older kids and saw how I was doing and what condition the babies were in while in the NICU she got a reality check.
I even requested NO VISITORS when we got home a week later because we needed the time to get a little settled in and it was flu season. I made some people mad, but I was protecting my family.
Best wishes on a smooth delivery for you and your babies.

TREDgirl

This is exactly why we are not contact any family members until after they are born. I have made it extremely clear that no one is to be waiting around while we are in labor-whether induced, natural or scheduled c/s. 

Good luck!

Gibson824

Thanks for the advice, ladies.

I wish telling them that inductions could take hours/days would be a deterrent, but really I think it would just be a warning to them to pack for such an occasion. I feel like a brat not telling them until the babies arrive, but I think that it is going to come down to that to insure that my wishes are carried out. Now if only there were a way to guarantee the same once they are here...

Brummy14

sing4mysavior said:

Your babies, your labor, your choice. If DH really is on board, just tell them after the babies come. Seriously...it's YOUR family now, the four of you...do what you need/want to do.

Nailed it. This. This. THIS. 

HK123

Brummy14 said:

sing4mysavior said:

Your babies, your labor, your choice. If DH really is on board, just tell them after the babies come. Seriously...it's YOUR family now, the four of you...do what you need/want to do.

Nailed it. This. This. THIS. 

I completely agree as well!

Both sides of DH’s live within about a 5 mile radius of each other and they are the type of family that comes and sits at the hospital when a baby is being born. Which is great if that is what you want but I did not want that. I knew I was having a c-section and I knew that there was a great possibility that the girls would be going to the NICU (which they did)--so why would I want over 20 people waiting for me to have the girls when they wouldn’t even be able to see the babies and I would be recovering from a c-section. We made it very clear to all of our family that we wanted it to just be DH and I and we would let them know when they could come visit. A couple people still made comments to let them know when I was going to have the girls so they could come sit at the hospital which meant that didn’t receive a phone call until after the girls were already born.

babywillmake3

Brummy14 said:

sing4mysavior said:

Your babies, your labor, your choice. If DH really is on board, just tell them after the babies come. Seriously...it's YOUR family now, the four of you...do what you need/want to do.

Nailed it. This. This. THIS. 

Exactly

PiperS

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but I would be sad if no one was waiting for my babies. In our families everyone (parents, siblings, and best friends) come right away. We will have plenty of time to bond with the girls and we won't be passing them around to be held by everyone but close family are welcome to meet them right away. DD was born around midnight so only my mom saw her until the next morning. I might ask for an hour if they are born in the afternoon and I know everyone will respect that. I'm sure no one will stay too long.

JoDoc

PiperS said:

I'm sure I'm in the minority here but I would be sad if no one was waiting for my babies. In our families everyone (parents, siblings, and best friends) come right away. We will have plenty of time to bond with the girls and we won't be passing them around to be held by everyone but close family are welcome to meet them right away. DD was born around midnight so only my mom saw her until the next morning. I might ask for an hour if they are born in the afternoon and I know everyone will respect that. I'm sure no one will stay too long.

I think it's great that your family is like that, but many, mine included, are NOT respectful of the mothers wishes and will definitely over stay the welcome.  There is no way in H3ll I am going to have a bunch of people getting to know my babies before I get a chance to.  My hubby and I are in agreement about that.  He knows that there will be NO ONE allowed to hold my babies before me.  (Doctors, nurses and daddy excluded from that)  If I am incapable of holding them for whatever reason, they will not be held by anyone else.  We both agree that is a fair request. 

 

kgs0505

I would just not tell anyone you are in the hospital until you are ready to receive visitors, or at least until after you have had the babies.  Who cares if they get offended?  There isn't much they can do after the fact, and if they want to be mad, it's their problem, not yours.  It doesn't affect them being able to meet the babies onthe day they are born if it's that important to them.

Not telling anyone is the only way to avoid visitors.

starrkitten89

sing4mysavior said:

Your babies, your labor, your choice. If DH really is on board, just tell them after the babies come. Seriously...it's YOUR family now, the four of you...do what you need/want to do.

I agree with this. I was really adamant about having zero visitors the first day (although it was a planned RCS, so we knew roughly how long it would take) and I'm glad I stuck with what I wanted. I had some complications and was no where near ready for any kind of company the first day.

jennifire7

We let all of our family know that the first day, the hospital was off limits. We wanted that day to get to know our new family. They were disappointed, but they got over it when they got to meet the babies on day 2. We kept the family up to date via twitter and phone calls on day 1. I wouldn't change a thing, the first day was perfect.

JTA2426

I was very much like you before delivering, particularly where my inlaws were concerned. I had a surprise delivery by CS at 34 weeks and allowed H to call his mom (my parents were out of town) when my doctor texted me to say she was on her way. They were in the waiting room before I even went back to surgery and hopped on down to the NICU to see my sons before I did without a thought. The boys were transferred to another hospital that night and the next day everyone but me (as I was still inpatient) got to spend the whole day with the boys. Only my aunt and best friend came to see me and the inlaws have hundreds of pictures from the first day that I missed. All that to say... I wish you better luck controlling it than I had, but I had my good cry and I'm nearly over it 10 weeks out.

JodiAriel

I was induced on a Sunday and didn't deliver until Wed.  I posted this on my facebook page about 2 weeks before I delivered:

To our family and friends - as the time come closer (hopefully!), we are giving you fair warning now that we will not be announcing to anyone when I go into labor. This is a private time for our family and we do not want to be answering a million phone calls, texts, etc during that time but instead focus our attention on each other. We will however text those closest to us as soon as they have arrived and will make a public announcement on FB shortly after. Thank you for understanding. —

I turned off my facebook wall so no one could post on it and turned off tagging so when we did share with immediate family, they did not share with the world (we wanted to be the ones to announce them).

People were pretty respectful.

Seldaar

JoDoc said:

 He knows that there will be NO ONE allowed to hold my babies before me.  (Doctors, nurses and daddy excluded from that)  If I am incapable of holding them for whatever reason, they will not be held by anyone else.  We both agree that is a fair request.

At our hospital they put the baby in the mother's arms as soon as they are out pretty much. And no one is allowed in the Delivery Room except the husband.

And DW's mom came to the Recovery room (DS was unplanned C-section, after being induced) only because I escorted her back there. Everyone had to wait out in the Waiting Room until I went and told them they could come back to the normal room.

So I would check with the hospital's security procedures. At our hospital people just can't wander the halls, they need visitor badges to get back to the private rooms.

I would also ask about their procedures for when the mother gets the baby. DW got DS while she was being wheeled from the Surgery Room to the Recovery Room. That was a new change at the time. Before, the baby would go to the nursery for a few minutes.

So you should have control over the situation. If people want to wait in the Waiting Room, let them wait. They can come back when you're good and ready to let them come back.

Gibson824

JTA2426 said:

I was very much like you before delivering, particularly where my inlaws were concerned. I had a surprise delivery by CS at 34 weeks and allowed H to call his mom (my parents were out of town) when my doctor texted me to say she was on her way. They were in the waiting room before I even went back to surgery and hopped on down to the NICU to see my sons before I did without a thought. The boys were transferred to another hospital that night and the next day everyone but me (as I was still inpatient) got to spend the whole day with the boys. Only my aunt and best friend came to see me and the inlaws have hundreds of pictures from the first day that I missed. All that to say... I wish you better luck controlling it than I had, but I had my good cry and I'm nearly over it 10 weeks out.

OMG I would die! I told DH's step mom yesterday and she burst into tears saying my choices are extreme. She went on to talk about how family should be together during such an occasion to which I replied, "yes, it is a family time, our NEW family time and I would like some privacy to celebrate that." This shall be interesting, as I see her staking out the hospital from here on out...

JoDoc

Seldaar said:

 

 

At our hospital they put the baby in the mother's arms as soon as they are out pretty much. And no one is allowed in the Delivery Room except the husband.

 

So I would check with the hospital's security procedures. At our hospital people just can't wander the halls, they need visitor badges to get back to the private rooms.

I would also ask about their procedures for when the mother gets the baby. DW got DS while she was being wheeled from the Surgery Room to the Recovery Room. That was a new change at the time. Before, the baby would go to the nursery for a few minutes.

 

Our hospital doesn't require badges, sadly.  The rooms do have locks, so the nurse needs a badge card scanned to come in or we need to physically open the door, no one can barge in unwanted.  However, that doesn't stop them from doing what JTA2426's family did.  I think that would do me in.  I'd become super depressed, knowing I didn't get that special time with my babies.  (I need to put a caveat here, when I get depressed I get sad, never wanting to hurt myself or others.  I'd never do anything to harm myself or my family. EVER.  Extended, psychotic relatives...they're a different story.    just kidding)

24karat

Your choice is far from extreme. The whole celebrity reality TV show style birth is not what everyone wants and frankly, I feel it's rather immature for anyone (other than s/o) to think they have a right to observe the birth or see/hold the baby before the parents UNLESS the parents are OK with it. I was okay with DH's family waiting at the hospital but they were the ones who said they didn't want to intrude on our time and asked if I'd be okay with them waiting till a few hours after the births to visit so we'd have time to bond and rest first. They used that time happily occupying themselves by calling all of our family and friends to announce the birth.

If DH's stepmom wants the family together for the occasion maybe she can host everyone at her house to wait for the news. Unless she's pushing for everyone to be in your delivery room for the birth (in which case she's insane, IMO) there is no big difference or inconvenience for them to wait there instead of the hospital.

jessican08

My induction was started at7am and I didn't deliver baby B until 11:53pm that night so it's hard to gauge how long it'll take. I CAN tell you that I would not have wanted to see anyone but my H and my mom after delivery. I was a mess physically (I passed out when they got me up to pee) and I was exhausted and HUNGRY! I just wanted to eat, snuggle the babies and sleep.

The next morning, a friend of DH's heard I'd delivered and showed up at my door at 8am!!! I was half naked, nursing and was livid that he just showed up. DH's sister came later that day but aside from them and my H and mom, no one else was there and I was so glad.

The PP said it perfectly - you dictate who gets to be there. If people don't like it they can FRO!

brookeshannon2012

I completely understand your feelings on this. I didn't think about my family not giving us time, and my grandmother was staking out the elevator after my c-section (2 floor maternity unit) so she would be the first to see the boys. She was in their faces as soon as I was wheeled out, and then everyone flooded our room as soon as we got in there. And of course I was drugged and half asleep so I didn't care until that night and then I bawled.

All that to say this: this is YOUR family. YOUR babies. If you decide not to tell anyone until a month out from having them, that's your right. The time you should have alone as a family right after they are born is something priceless that you will never get back. Tell your nurses you don't want anyone back there. They're great at policing your room and making sure people respect your wishes, and they deal with the tempers and tears for you.

megs2011

Stick to your guns. I said I wanted no visitors except my mom (and dad) but people came up anyways. It was 12 hours before I was able to see my babies and everyone but me had already seen/met them. I was so depressed over it. If I could have a do over, I would have not allowed anyone else up until I got to see my babies.

rn8

I think it is a good idea to have this conversation with your H and your families about your expectations beforehand.  My H and I didn't talk specifics about the birth and afterwards.  My water broke at 35 weeks and we just thought I had a few more weeks of being pregnant so it took us by surprise.  My SIL was disappointed that I didn't want anyone at the hospital aside from my dad and my MIL and FIL.  Failure there.  I ended up with an emergency C-section.  While I was in surgery and the recovery room, the twins were wheeled out to my husband and he introduced the grandparents to them.  They all escorted the babies up to the NICU and got to see and touch them before I did.  It's not a scenario that even crossed my mind while I was pregnant.  At first, I chalked up my emotions over this to being postpartum, but my twins are 15 months old now and it still gets to me sometimes.  I have wonderful dad and ILs, but I wish my husband and I could have met them together first. 

PumpkinAndThePeanut

Good luck today!