How do you know? Diagnose me

MommaP12

I've been in and out of a funk for awhile now.

I don't expect you all to remember my life on the interwebz but to sum it up:

1. I've hated my job for a long time and have been looking since early March.  I get depressed in the morning at the thought of coming here but am the bread winner so no choice.  I tell myself "It's just a means to an end, you are lucky to have a high paying job close to home, etc." and it doesn't work.
   
2. We haven't taken a vacation or anything in the longest time.  DH owns his own business and it's hard for him to get away unless it's the off season of Jan/Feb.  Plus, the $ isn't really there for us to go anywhere (especially in Jan/Feb right after the Holidays).  On top of that I got a signing bonus here and am "saving" some of my vacation up so that if I leave, I don't have to pay back the bonus - my unused vacation would just cover it (I have only taken a day here and there).
3. I'm less than pleased with our living situation.  We have 2 kids in a 2 bedroom condo.  Every time we're about to have the kids share a room, something happens and DD is waking at night and it makes me scared to put her in DS's room.  So she's been sleeping in a PNP just inside our 10'x5' walk in closet (it doesn't have a door, just a curtain).  This gives me a lot of guilt - that she doesn't have a room and has been in a PNP her first year (though I did get a real mattress for it at least).
   
4. We listed our condo for sale in hopes of getting a bigger house, but had to pull it because some units sold lower in our building.  We are hoping to relist in the fall but it may not happen
   

Many days, I think I have PPD depression.  BUT, my most happy times are when I'm at home with the kids and DH nights and weekends.  DH is my rock and I love the kids so much I wish we could win the lottery so I could SAH.  I just worry that I don't know that I have PPD and I do.  But when I talk to DH and my BFF they think it's just "circumstantial" depression, not PPD.   That I just have some hard times what with work and our living situation and anyone would feel the way I do.   Either way, I'm tired of feeling like this.

Mhaney129

Change something then if your not happy.

KellersPrag

Mhaney129 said:

Change something then if your not happy.

I think that was the most asshole-ish response you could have possibly given. Wow.

MommaP, I'm sorry you are going through this. Have you been able to job search at all?What is it aabout your job, in particular, that you are not happy with?

Unknown

This content has been removed.

AKB090609

Is there something small that you can do right away that might give you a push in the direction you want to go? Could you perhaps sit down with YH and plan a short trip for his off season? I know it can be hard after the holidays, but what about a trip to a water park as a gift for Christmas?

I know that a vacation can't fix everything, but perhaps having one to look forward to will help. I know that when I plan a trip I use it as a reward for getting all the crappy things done so when I get home from my trip life seems better.

bonjourbelle05

First, of all ignore the first responder's post cause that was flippin rude.....obviously if it was that easy you would have made those changes.

I would try to go and talk to someone (at the very least your PCP) and let them decide what it is.  I would think it would probably be good for you to talk to a therapist or something and maybe some kind of financial advisor so that you can come up with a game plan.  Maybe if you know there is an end to something in sight it will help?

tinyhumantoe

I can only speak from my psychotic pov.

For me, I get a claustrophobic "trapped" feeling from reading about your situation. When I've felt like this before, I coped 100% better when the binding agent was removed... Meaning nothing truly changed, I just became less trapped. Which is obviously psychological. I think your situation sounds anxiety related.

If you weren't the breadwinner... And your condo was on the market waiting for a buyer without the other lowball property situation... You would be in the same "situation" but with less of caged feeling.

Im curious about the problems you're having at work. I'll read the rest of the thread after I post. My biggest problem is insane stress/high stakes/ job eats my personal life/ I can never "clock out" and have to answer calls and emails on nights, weekends, vacations, etc. BUT there are big perks to my job that help balance those (kind of). Im very, very trapped and it makes me feel crushed and caged. I bet if that pressure were removed, id love the exact same job 10000 times more. Sometimes I have to pretend that I could leave whenever I want, or go back to teaching, and it makes me feel lighter. But I can't. It's not financial- I could be a SAHM on DH's salary or I could teach and be the happiest person on the planet. I don't care about money. And I think all that also makes the trapped feeling worse.

I think your situation is totally different, but similar in the respect that you are choked by things you feel like you have no say in.

Here is what I think you can do.

1. Go talk to a professional, talk about this, it sounds like a combo of situation and anxiety

2. Short weekend getaway vacations. These can be once a month nearby trips or something, requiring no days off work, or 1 day for an extended weekend. Half a Friday even stretches the weekend out. You go check in with the kids and he can join you Friday night.

Im thinking of other things. Brb.

tinyhumantoe

Mhaney129 said:

Change something then if your not happy.

Haha. I struggle with weight. Should I eat less? Once I uncover the mystery I'm sure I'll be thin.

Hyaline

I don't know if any of us non-pro-interwebby types can tell you for sure if you're suffering from PPD, "normal" depression, or something else.  But I can say, I have been in your shoes regarding being in a job I hated, and while I felt like crap many days not wanting to go to that hellhole, I wouldn't have considered myself depressed or sought counselling or medication because I could define the thing bothering me.  I knew the change that would alleviate the problem, even if I couldn't make it happen easily.

What did help me was seeking other jobs.  Even though I didn't actually change jobs before having DD and moving, just feeling in control of my own situation helped a ton.  I also sought opportunities at my employer to do things that were different--I don't know if that's an option, but I spent a lot of time networking within the college I worked for and did get to branch out a little.  Now, nothing major changed, but I felt so much happier knowing I had done something positive for me and my career, however small.  I know you're looking, but claim the fact that you're looking, you know?

(Sidenote on #3--do NOT feel guilty about where your child is sleeping.  FFS, she's fed, warm, loved, happy.  She won't remember in ten years whether she slept in a pack n play or on a golden crib in her own baby suite!  Let that guilt go, with no reservations.)

I have a (non professional, clearly) theory that a lot of depression and anxiety stem from feeling out of control in the situation you're in.  If you can claim some agency in your life, in your situation, it might help you crawl out of the emotional funk, too.  Kind of a cheesy "You write your own story" mantra right there, but seriously--you do.  Claim the driving force role in your life!

JennH28

When I went to my doc before I got my PPD meds I wasn't sure if I had PPD or not. I asked him, how often do I need to feel "x" before it "counts" and I had barely finished asking the question when he handed me the prescription. In other words, even though I thought it might not be "enough" to warrant drugs, he obviously had the professional opinion that it was, and once I got on antidepressants and felt better it became clear to me just how "off" I was before. All this to say, I echo PPs' statement that you should describe this to your doc. They will have a better outside perspective on it. And even if a lot of it is life-stress, you could still be able to deal with it better with the help of something to deal with any anxiety/depression issues you may be having on top of it all. Hope that helps. GL.

MommaP12

I can't thank you all enough for your helpful responses.

I have an appointment with my PCP on 9/28 for some other things and will bring this up if I am still feeling the same in 6 weeks.

@tinyhumantoe you hit it on the head.  I feel trapped in a cage.  I feel I have no control.  When our condo WAS listed, I felt hopeful - we had showings and I felt we were moving in the right direction.  I don't have that feeling anymore since we are no longer selling currently.  Same goes for work.  I have been looking for a new job since early March (I'm in Product Management).  When I get a call back for an interview and I go, again, I feel hopeful and like I'm moving in the right direction with that also.  But then they put the position on hold, or the salary is significantly less, or whatever and I lose the hope and feel trapped again.

I try to positive self talk all the time:  "You won't work here forever" "you won't live here forever"  "you're lucky to have a job and be able to provide"  "you're lucky you have your health."  Etc.  But it really doesn't help most of the time.  I just feel so stuck and hopeless in these 2 major scenarios of work and space.

@Hyaline - you're right about where my daughter sleeps.  It's essentially a crib, in our room so who cares?  But I just have mommy guilt over her not having a room - not having better than I had.  It's all hard on DH and I to not have a room since she's been in ours for the past year.  Thank God our relationship is solid and he calms me down and gets me to laugh at our situation sometimes.

I don't think I have PPD, I think it's circumstantial, but I'll talk to my PCP.   I'm doing everything I can on the job hunt front and I'm praying we can re-ist our condo this fall though realistically may not be until Spring.  

Thank you all for your support, it really helps to get this out to people who won't judge.

melody921

Mhaney129 said:

Change something then if your not happy.

Yeah, no sh*t. OP, I agree it sounds more circumstantial than PPD. It's really hard to work a job you hate and to feel like you're not moving forward in other areas of life. Have you thought about other jobs you might like/are qualified for to prepare for a career change? As for the kids/small place, I'd probably try putting the kids in the same room. Worst case, they wake each other up a few times, but I think they'll get used to it faster than you might think. And be sure in the midst of all the craziness that you get some time for you. Take a walk, read a book, get a mani/pedi. It's great you can enjoy the time with your kids and DH. Remember, work is just a small part of your life, not all of it. Good luck, I know how frustrating it can be.

KKSBeans

MommaP12 said:

I've been in and out of a funk for awhile now.

I don't expect you all to remember my life on the interwebz but to sum it up:

1. I've hated my job for a long time and have been looking since early March.  I get depressed in the morning at the thought of coming here but am the bread winner so no choice.  I tell myself "It's just a means to an end, you are lucky to have a high paying job close to home, etc." and it doesn't work.
   
2. We haven't taken a vacation or anything in the longest time.  DH owns his own business and it's hard for him to get away unless it's the off season of Jan/Feb.  Plus, the $ isn't really there for us to go anywhere (especially in Jan/Feb right after the Holidays).  On top of that I got a signing bonus here and am "saving" some of my vacation up so that if I leave, I don't have to pay back the bonus - my unused vacation would just cover it (I have only taken a day here and there).
3. I'm less than pleased with our living situation.  We have 2 kids in a 2 bedroom condo.  Every time we're about to have the kids share a room, something happens and DD is waking at night and it makes me scared to put her in DS's room.  So she's been sleeping in a PNP just inside our 10'x5' walk in closet (it doesn't have a door, just a curtain).  This gives me a lot of guilt - that she doesn't have a room and has been in a PNP her first year (though I did get a real mattress for it at least).
   
4. We listed our condo for sale in hopes of getting a bigger house, but had to pull it because some units sold lower in our building.  We are hoping to relist in the fall but it may not happen
   

Many days, I think I have PPD depression.  BUT, my most happy times are when I'm at home with the kids and DH nights and weekends.  DH is my rock and I love the kids so much I wish we could win the lottery so I could SAH.  I just worry that I don't know that I have PPD and I do.  But when I talk to DH and my BFF they think it's just "circumstantial" depression, not PPD.   That I just have some hard times what with work and our living situation and anyone would feel the way I do.   Either way, I'm tired of feeling like this.

K is still in her pnp in my room for various reasons...don't sweat that at all