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June 2016 Moms
Ashley10268
member
Having a hard time with in-laws...am I being ridiculous????
Ashley10268
member
I probably am! My mom has one other grandchild so this will be her second-which she is very excited for and this is the first grandchild for my in-laws. Which, first, let me say they are supportive and nice and they've done so much for us! BUT, they are starting to drive me up a wall. Mostly his mom and grandma. Who feel the need to rub my belly at every opportunity and for some odd reason keep bringing baby pictures in frames and putting them on our fridge and shelves in our house of my husband. Wtf....I don't want baby pictures of my husband all over our house, even he says it's weird and tells her to stop bringing them. But she says I WANTED THEM. What?! Lol, they're nice to have but not displayed in our house, but in a box to look at later...and all they talk about is how our baby is going to be a mini-me of my husband and he's going to have brown hair and brown eyes and look just like him because he was so cute and blah blah...hellloooo, who am I? Just a surrogate for his child? Why can't this baby possibly have blue eyes? Then his grandma went and told his whole family the name we picked out, which we weren't keeping a secret but maybe something we would like to share with everyone ourselves. Maybe I'm just hormonal but come on. I had a dream last night that our baby looked like his mom, maybe I should say nightmare lol, it's starting to get to me! Someone please tell me if I am overreacting...because I feel like a crazy person. I've been good so far, just smiling and going with the flow, but it's really starting to wear on me!!!! Not to mention his mom said she wants to stay an entire week with us after the baby is born. I told my husband he needs to tell her no because I couldn't handle it! Thank you for letting me vent! Wooosahhhh!
Re: Having a hard time with in-laws...am I being ridiculous????
My ILs always compare DS to their side. It bugged me at first but I've learned to just accept it. It's easier for them to pick out traits that remind them of their side even if I have/had the same trait.
I'd just take the baby pictures down and put them in a box. It is nice to have those, I think, to compare later when your LO is the same age as the picture.
Also, if you don't want his mom to stay, she doesn't need to. Your H needs to talk to her about that.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
As far as look are concerned, brown eyes and brown hair is more dominant than blue eyes so statistically they are correct as the child is more likely to look like him, not saying it will just more likely. However, you will see your own traits in you child as well.
There is also nothing wrong with not wanting your mil to live with you for a week. Have your husband let her know she can visit but nothing overnight.
If you don't say something to them about the behaviors you don't like they have no reason to be held accountable for not changing them. That's not their fault. Tell them you don't like to be touched. Tell them you don't want them to stay with you. Boom. Done. If they continue to persist then it's a problem.
Your in laws sound like excited grandparents. Try and be grateful for that.
I feel your pain. My MIL tells everyone constantly how much my 2.5 year old DD looks just like her dad yet complete strangers and her daycare providers tell me shes a mini-me. My parents aren't too bad, they say she has my eyes and his hair (stuff like that) but nooooo, she looks exactly like her dad to my ILs.
Im having a boy this time and I constantly hear he will be huge at birth...just like his dad.
Also that we need to name him after my FIL...how about no.
The name we originally picked out, my FIL despised so we came up with a different name (which I actually like better) and I told my H he better not say a damn word, even if he did and his parents didn't like it (which I know they won't) Im the one pushing him out so its 100% my decision.
I try my absolute hardest not to take it personally because they are extremely nice and do so much for us.
I dont have much advice except that you are not alone! I try my best to keep my distance from my ILs (for now) because I dont want to hurt my relationship with them.
ive found that my family tends to think DS looks like me while DHs family thinks he looks like him. Granted - we are both blonde headed and blue eyed, so of course DS is as well, and I think he's a very good mix of us both, but each side will see what they want to see, so I think that part is normal and something that would serve you well to just let roll off your back.
Mrs. H
Crohn's Dx: August 2008
Endometriosis Dx: May 2010
Married: 05/19/2012
TTC #1: June 2013
BFP: December 2013
DS: Born 08/29/2014
TTC #2: July 2015
BFP #2: September 25, 2015
That is annoying but not crazy. People in general have a weird way of co-opting pregnancy. It's not yours, it now belongs to the village. The office, the church, and yes, the in-laws. "What are WE naming the baby" "when are WE due" etc.
1- you need to communicate/have your DH do it to establish boundaries.
2- some people just get really, really excited about babies. Hopefully they are just as eager to help once the baby is here!
@ahernandez16 ...that is crazy. Can you not tell them which hospital you are in? Call once you get home? I did not want any visitors, let alone a priest!
I had an opposite issue when my son was born. He looks exactly like my DH, everyone says so, even strangers. He has my eyes but everything else is my DH. From the day he was born, my MIL would say he looks nothing like my DH or his side of the family. She always says it loudly in front of others and everyone always looks at her like she's crazy. I kinda feel like she's implying he's not the father...
With these two babies, I told her the names, Sean Michael and Dylan Jack. She constantly says "they just sound so Irish and we're not Irish". Yeah, but my family is very Irish (which isn't why we picked those names anyways) and I'll tell her that but she just ignores me.
I've learned to choose my battles. Most things aren't worth the drama they'll cause. If I were you, the one battle I would focus on is not having her stay for a week after the baby is born!
As for the other stuff I would do as others say and just put the pictures in a box yourself, and if they ask just explain you enjoy the pictures, just not all over your house. As for saying he's going to look like H...that's just how parents are. They're proud of their child and want there to be more them. Good luck!!
And if a priest shows up, I will kick him out and probably lose my shit. I have no shame. I've already said no.
That is terrible!! Doesn't it stress you out that they might actually bring a Priest? I would freak the F*** out! My MIL kept insisting the whole pregnancy with my DS that she ALWAYS gives her grandchildren their very first bath at the hospital. I was like "no, I think the nurses should do that!" For months I was so stressed about how I would stop it! Luckily, as I thought, the nurses (with my DH) took care of it! It would just be so nice to have IL's with some boundaries!
Maybe I'll make H do it.
A lot of this sounds like a misunderstanding. The picture, the name thing, the touching you, things like that can easily be solved with a conversion. As pp have mentioned how do they know these things bother you if you have never told them? They can only go based of your behavior and so far your behavior says that it is acceptable.
As for the baby looking like your H, of course they are going to say that. First off because he is their kin so they want to pass down their genes. Secondly because they likely didn't know you when you were a baby so it's not something they can relate to. Sure, it can be a little annoying hearing it over and over (believe me, I know because my daughter is a spitting image of her father) but in the long run does it really matter? There are so many things to worry and stress about when pregnant and becoming a new parent you will have to learn to let the little things like this go otherwise you will drive yourself mad.
Good luck moving forward.
For example - she asked what we did last weekend, we said finished repainting the dresser. She asked for a picture, we sent it, she said it was nice but didn't look like "baby furniture" and started giving her views on what needed to be changed. I said nope, we like it, we're leaving it as it is. Is it irritating? Sure, but I know that she's just excited and wants to be a part of it all so I deal with it and complain about it when I get a chance to get it out
Pick your battles. I personally would focus on the staying with you issue as that's a much bigger deal than having your house covered in baby pictures of your husband.
I would take pictures of DH as a baby any day over all the other shit.
Baby #2 Due 3/7/20
"Wow he's so fair, just like you!"
*a few moments of silence pass as she stares at him*
"I'm worried people aren't going to know he's Italian!!"
Dh's family is Italian, I'm a 'wasp'. My mil is simply a dipsh*t.
So yeah, I wouldn't let yourself get too worked up over a few pictures. But please, do come back and let us know when she starts doing something really over the line- it'll happen eventually.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!
@almostpriceless that does make me feel better. I didn't even think of that. He showed up when H's sister gave birth last year but I don't know if she requested it or not. She did seem pretty surprised when he walked in the room. I don't think he's the actual priest. Maybe a deacon or something? I don't know the Catholic terminology and everyone in my church in a higher position is called "Pastor" so I may have used priest incorrectly.
Maybe... Let it go?
(For the other stuff, I agree with pp-talk to them about it.)
This right here. I FEEL you, girl. I generally keep things pretty private, but around our 20 week ultrasound I decided to share a photo of our baby on my facebook page. My Father-in-law is Johnny on the spot to reply... WITH OUR BABY NAME.
No, Dad, telling my friends and extended family the name I have chosen for my first born child is certainly something that I *didn't* want to do. And I'll definitely get the opportunity to do it again a whole *bunch* of times, so the fact that you thunderthiefed it is great, just great.
And you know what, it IS annoying and I don't feel like it can be solved with a conversation. It's literally a once in a lifetime experience that your Gramma-in-law took away from you. Talking and hugging it out might make you feel better, but it doesn't give you that experience back. So no, I don't think you're overreacting. I also asked DH if he wanted to have the "no oversharing on facebook" conversation with his parents or if he wanted me to. He said he would take care of it -- and he did. I feel like it's a little easier to manage your own parents because you're theirs and they have to love you :P. The in-law relationship is tricker.
I've already told DH that the Bed and Breakfast is closed at our house Post-Baby. I don't know how your in-laws are, but when mine visit, I clean my place in a wild frenzy before they show, spend the whole weekend being Betty Crocker and then have a meltdown after they leave. Once baby gets here, we'll be re-establishing the new normal of getting them a hotel room down the road where the good people at the Hampton Inn can make them breakfast, and where they can visit Baby and then go watch TV in their own room until 11:00 while I go to sleep at 9:00 like the Gramma who ate my inner child. :P DH is delivering that news as well.
Also, to OP, my MIL is 80 something years old. She gives me hideous decor all the time, including a framed photo of H and his prom date. Say thanks, put that shit away when they leave and move along. The rest, just talk to them about what's on the horizon and might bother you and withhold any information that you aren't ready to share with the public going forward.
Triplets due 6/29/16 also from an IUI!