My marriage is going down the shitter.

Amy Drinkwater

Earlier this evening I asked H to play with the baby while I took a shower. ?When I got out, Ian was beyond pissed and H wasn't even trying to calm him down, he was basically trying to reason with him and pay attention to Call of Duty on the Xbox at the same time. ?I asked H why he wasn't holding Ian to calm him down and he said "he doesn't want me, he wants his mother." ?I knew that wasn't true and that the real issue was that Ian was bored and wanted some interaction, but H was paying attention to Xbox instead. ?I told him if he'd just play with the baby instead of playing Xbox all the time when he got home he might like him better. ?He said "well I didn't even want kids."

I was speechless, and still am. ?All I could muster was "that's the worst thing I've ever heard you say, and our relationship will never be the same now" while fighting back tears. ?He called me melodramatic and went to walk the dog. ?When he got back I was putting the baby to bed and he came in Ian's room and said "y'all are my 2 favorite people in the world, you know that, right?" ?UM, NO. ?I sure don't, after that shitty comment earlier.

I don't know what to do - pack Ian's and my stuff up and leave or change the locks on his ass.?

spunkielexis196

Wow, I'm so sorry, I will say that children can be very hard on a marriage, take it from me...dh and I had a screaming argument at 4:30 Monday morning.  That being said, his comment was uncalled for and unnecessary.  Perhaps you both need a break from Ian and go on a "date" together.  Don't throw your marriage away, work towards a compromise.  DH and I have been dealing with this for about 5 months and actually before that do to my step-daughter living with us.  We try and take even if it is 30 minutes everyday to spend just the 2 of us and we are trying to get date night back now that Gunnar is a little older. 

I agree that the comment he made will never be forgotten and in the back of your mind it will always haunt you.  Try and get past it and remember what brough  you both together in the first place. 

BecauseICan

I can't tell you what to do, but what I can tell you is my opinion.  For a father to say something like that about his newborn son makes me worried for you, and for Ian.  Regardless of whether or not he wanted children, Ian is here.  He didn't ask to be brought into this world, and he deserves a father that does not resent him being here.  It's difficult adjusting to life with a baby--your selfishness has to go right out the window, and that's obviously something your DH is struggling with.  But he has to find a way to get over it before your marriage is over, and Ian doesn't have his father in his life.  Counseling asap for the both of you--and for just you if your DH refuses to go--seems like the logical next step.

MommaBrown

ok this is going to sound really dumb - like a parent child punishment. but its time to take the xbox away. I?truly believe that people get addicted to video games and it really causes them to disconnect with reality. my husband used to play WoW obsessively. It put a huge strain on our relationship. He asked for an xbox for xmas and i told him that I'll sell it as soon as i see problems arise because of it.

anyway, as for his comment, i am so sorry he said that to you. I would feel the same way as you. There are just things that can never be unsaid and they will stick with you forever. I dont even know how to tell you to make it better.

i'm sorry you are going through this.?

star173

I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say about your immediate problems, but I will say this. Don't EVER tell Ian what he said. I'm sure you couldn't imagine doing so, and I'm only telling you that because when I was a teenager, during and argument with my mom, she let it out that my dad wanted her to abort me. That caused me so much hurt, and I know my mom had no intention of telling me, it just came out in anger one day (I was probably saying I wanted to go live with my dad or something).

I truly hope everything works out; I don't think your marriage is over just yet, but you guys should address this. Don't let him chalk it up to being annoyed or whatever. Good luck!

Lucky_Dragonfly

Wow. MH sometimes doesn't know how to handles stress and in a fit the other day called me a " up and that he would be better off without me." Part ofme still can't believe he said that to me.

IckyThump

Not to defend him, but people tend to say things they don't mean in a moment of anger or frustration. It was a shiitty thing for him to say, and I agree that you two need a night alone just to get away and discuss things. He needs to know how wrong it was for him to say that (whether he meant it or not) and how much it hurt you. I think you two are just going through a rough patch because of the new baby. I've been there and things do get a lot easier, believe me. Good luck!

Mrs.McLovin

I would throw away the xbox. Not sure that is the mature thing to do, but perhaps in my own fit of frustration/anger I would do it.

I hope you two are able to work things out.

jennessey

I'm so sorry you are going through this.  Hang in there... I think some counseling would be helpful.  Would DH be willing?

EMWindy

I'm going to agree with IckyThump here - it sounds like he made a really stupid comment out of frustration from not being able to soothe the baby when you were gone.  Based on the comment he made when he came back from walking the dog, it seems like he was trying to apologize in a back-peddling way (but really should've come out and said that and taken his words back).  I know those words are going to sting in your mind forever - its hard. 

DH once said something absolutely terrible to me when I was going through some serious health problems and depression - but he just said it out of frustration and not knowing what to do - it still burns in my mind.   We talked about it and cried about it - he absolutely didn't mean it, and we got through it. 

I think its hard for dad's - since they are away all day, and you've been spending all day for weeks at home bonding and soothing the baby - they are just not as 'practiced' at soothing babies and dealing with the crying. 

Try not to make any rash decisions right now - you probably need to take a date-night without the baby and talk about everything. 

Remember - your baby is at the peak of evening fussiness right now (mine seems to still be in it too) and it is SOOO hard at night.  I've said some things about as shitty as your husband did, to be honest. 

TakYelgif

This is the reason why DH and I got rid of the video games and limit our time spent on the internet.  What your husband said was really crappy and I would be just as pissed as you were if my DH said something like that!

I do agree that you two need to talk this through and you need to get your date night back if possible.  If necessary get a third party involved such as a pastor or marriage couselor.

MiracleFox

WOW... ?I'm so sorry - that must have made you feel awful. ?Hang in there. ?My DH was a big jerk at the beginning and didn't help me much. ?He'd rather watch tv or be on the internet than hold DS or play with him so I could even go to the bathroom. ?I was ready to pack up and leave! ?

After DS was about 3 months and doing more talking, cooing, recognized us, more independent, etc., DH did a HUGE 360 turnaround. ?I don't know ?what it was but all of the sudden he was a little more helpful (I'll take ANYTHING) and he was MUCH better with DS.

With that being said... ?I also had a talk with him about his internet usage. ?We have a laptop (lost the office when DS came along) so it's ALWAYS right here in our family room. ?We decided on a time limit each day for after work since he can do personal stuff at work. ?He chose the limit - 10 minutes - I was going to suggest 10 (tee hee). ?

When the computer isn't on his lap, he's more likely to help me out. ?If DS is sleeping, we're more likely to spend time together.... ?When the computer WAS on his lap... ?That's the ONLY thing he would do. ?

Talk to him about his game usage and try to come up with a limit - or pick a time of day that your DC is less needy and NOT fussy and make that "game time." ?

GOOD LUCK!!!!!! ?Try and hang in there for a little bit longer if you can. ?I know how hard it can be, I had a bag packed more than once. ?My bro even told me that I could stay with him AND he talked to a divorce attorney for me at one point. ?He knew I was miserable and wanted to help. ?It got better for me after 3 months - I hope it gets better for you sooner:)?

southernbelle82

I'm sure he didn't mean it and said it out of frustration.  Don't hold it against him.  We've all said things we don't mean.  Remember he's a guy, most guys aren't great with babies, especially here in the beginning.  Yall are still adjusting to being parents and it's tough. 

Not excusing him or his comment...just want you to keep in mind that bad things get said in anger/frustration.  Don't do anything rash and respond in anger.  Take some time to calm down and talk to your DH and tell him how hurtful that was.  Talk about it with each other.

Hope things get better

ariel06

DH and I had the worst fights during the first couple months.  Things are much better now that DS is able to respond more.  I honestly think guys sometimes get jealous of all the time spent on babies. 

shakespearenluv

All I can say is WOW!  I don't know what I would do if my DH ever said something like that.  That's just so uncalled for.  It's like he was trying to push your buttons and make you react.

levans

I know I'm late in responding to this but I just wanted to add my two cents.  I'm sure you are shocked and hurt that he would say that but like pp said it was probably out of frustration.  You guys are in the thick of the "dark days"--it does get better, I promise.  Just so you know my husband told me last night that he doesn't want to work any overtime anymore because "now it's fun to be home with DD."  And she's just over six months old. 

It gets a lot better when your LO is more interactive.  I'm sure you guys can get through this- like pp said- take a date night. 

Best of luck to you.