Are you debating whether or not to TTCAL?

JAGinMI · August 2016

I have had 2 healthy, uneventful pregnancies (at ages 29 and 31, and I am now 35), and no losses until now. I had terrible fears of mc this time that I never had before because of my age, and of course, my fears came to fruition. Now I really don't know if we will give it another shot.

I would love another baby so much, I cannot even tell you. But I just cannot stand the thought of going through this all over again. So then I start telling myself to be happy with what I have. We must be too old to be doing this. What are we thinking? Why potentially put my husband and I through this again? We have only discussed this briefly so I know that he could be convinced to try again, but I also know that he is totally happy to be done, too. Then I try to tell myself that even if my chances of mc are like 25% or whatever they are, that still leaves a 75% likelihood of a healthy pregnancy. Ahhh...it's only been 11 days since I found out that our baby had no hb and only 6 days since my d&c but I am in such turmoil over trying again already and I wish I could peacefully make a decision, especially because I want to make that decision quickly due to my age.

We have gotten pregnant the first try every time so I feel like if I want to try again, we will get pregnant (ha, watch God smack me on that statement...) and it's just a ridiculously terrifying thought.

I guess I am just ranting and I would love to hear where everyone else is at with this.

Chartleib · August 2016

I know exactly how you feel. I had my very first pregnancy end in a miscarriage in July and I just got my first AF on Thursday and the thought of trying again is exciting and oh so very terrifying at the same time. I want to try again and my husband is very excited about trying again. I'm torn though because even though my chances of miscarrying again are like, less than 10%, there's still that thought that if anyone is going to be the less than 10% it's going to be me.

JDW0325 · August 2016

1st- so sorry for your loss.
2nd- I can definitely relate- I am terrified as well. I have a 28 month old boy who I always always wanted to have siblings, but, for a brief moment thought about it just being the three of us. For me, I know I have to try again. Even though I am scared sh*tl*$$! As hard as it is, as scary as it is, I feel like my family isn't complete yet so here we are..... try try again.

Have a heart to heart with your husband and just make sure you both are on the same page.
Wishing you the best of luck!

cinderin · August 2016

I have a 3 year old son and m/c between 6 and 7 weeks. we knew we wanted to try again but if I had m/c again, I am not sure we would have continued TTC. I am also AMA (advanced maternal age), which I think does change things.

RileyG2218 · August 2016

First, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand your fears and concerns on age. I have a 19 1/2yo, a 22 mo, and we are still going through the loss process. (Misoprostol last wed/Thurs with no success waiting until Sunday and starting the process again. I was 38 with my 22mo and was fearful but had a fairly easy pregnancy. We were blindsided by this loss (I turned 40 in March). I know I cannot go through this again. My Dr is extremely supportive of my age. She had her last at 46. She has comforted my DH and I over the thoughts of trying again. I don't think I would even consider if it was not for her reassurances.

Cats*in*space · August 2016

@JAGinMI I'm having similar thoughts. This was my first pregnancy. It took 11 months for us to get a positive. It was heartbreaking. My Dr. said to wait 2-3 months before trying again. I caught myself thinking about pushing it to 2017 last night because I'm not sure I can handle another one. We'll see how I feel in a few months.

amwangel · August 2016

I totally relate. I have two kids (with two miscarriages in between) and lost a baby at 22 weeks in April. I am not sure whether to just move on, because I cannot face that magnitude of loss again, or try again, because I don't want to end my baby having years with the memory of giving birth to a baby that had died.

I I have no answers, but I just wanted to chime in and say "me too!"

JAGinMI · August 2016

@chartlieb I know what you mean, it is so hard not to believe that now we are not guaranteed to be that minority that has a loss.

@JDW0325 Yes, I definitely need to have a heart-to-heart with my husband. I don't quite feel our family is complete but I do need him to be OK with this.

@cinderin I absolutely think we would be done for sure if we try again and I miscarry again.

@RileyG2218 That is so very nice that you have such a supportive OB! And she has seen a lot so she has great perspective.

@jmn1985 Your feelings are so understandable. To think about trying that long again only to result in another loss is daunting. I hope that you start feeling more positive about it over time. I keep reading that the 6 months after a mc are prime for getting pregnant so maybe it will be easier this time.

@amwangel I am so sorry for all of your losses. A stillbirth is a whole other level of this whole thing and I feel so much heartbreak for you to have gone through all you have gone through. I know exactly what you mean about having a loss cap your baby-having years. It just feels wrong to end it like this.

Mack2342 · August 2016

I went in Friday for my 10 week ultrasound. Baby did not have a heartbeat and they believe based on size of baby that heart stopped either that day or day before. I had my d & c yesterday. I had no bleeding or cramping leading up to ultrasound so I wasn't expecting this at all. I'm very upset as well as husband but we both know we want another baby. Doctor said the chances another miscarriage/stillbirth are very low and that studies show its better to try to conceive sooner than later. So we will begin trying as soon as possible. We are 41 and I don't want to miss my window. While I wish I could have carried this baby I know something wasn't right and that's why we had the outcome so we will try for another. I was 40 when I had my first son and feel so blessed to have him. I wish everyone healthy healing and to make the decisions that are right for them.

Sugargirl1019 · August 2016

@JAGinMI same same same. Especially "We have gotten pregnant the first try every time so I feel like if I want to try again, we will get pregnant (ha, watch God smack me on that statement...) and it's just a ridiculously terrifying thought." I am right there with you. So much.

JAGinMI · August 2016

@MK1013 I am sorry you are also feeling the same. We are so so fortunate to have the babies we do have and that we didn't have to have this be the case the first two times around, at least.

Btw, your signature still includes your pregnancy ticker.

JAGinMI · August 2016

@Mack2342 Isn't it crazy that you can carry your baby after it's gone and have no idea? I had no idea how common this was until it happened to me. Maybe it's because I have spent a lot of time on this board, TTCAL and PGAL, so it maybe seems more common than it is, but it sounds like there as many MMCs as natural MCs. The hardest part is how having symptoms next time around will give me zero comfort.

Mack2342 · August 2016

@JAGinMI. It is crazy how this happens. I knew how common it was but of course I never thought it would happen to me. I agree that it will be hard next time around as I will be wondering every second, symptoms or no symptoms.

mjolk · August 2016

I'm so afraid of the window before your first ultrasound. I imagine myself crying if I hear/see silence and crying if I do hear/see a heartbeat. And I know the wait will be really hard to deal with... I could never feel excited now, just worried and stressed.

Mack2342 · August 2016

*living child mentioned*
@mjolk I cried happy tears every time I heard my sons heartbeat. It was so amazing. I cried when I didn't hear heartbeat of my sweet angel a few weeks ago and I was so excited to go that appointment. Now I will be worried and stressed until I get to that ultrasound just like you. Everything was so exciting before but now there is fear there of the worst. I hope that when that time comes I can get some excitement going. I hope that for all of us. I know we will all have that fear but hope that we can find some excitement in the process. I don't want to take the joy out of that beautiful moment.

iceandsnowflakes29 · August 2016

I'm so sorry for your loss. This is my story. Hope it will help.

Edit bc clearly I can't link ? It's in this board and titled "5th miscarriage and choosing to be done"

SPurp13 · September 2016

Yes. YES. I miscarried in July, and I've just finished up my period. My normal fertile window would be now, or in a few days. I'm so scared to try. The doctor said they recommend waiting until after your first period, which I did, but I'm having spotting after that period, and I am no doctor, so all I can think of is...but if I'm still spotting, what if my body isn't ready? Like you, I got pregnant right away both times. So, I'm almost scared to try, and scared not to. I'm also 35.

momma mb · September 2016

I understand where you're coming from as well. I've had a miscarriage and I've also lost my baby girl just 3 hours after she was born, and both times it took me a while to want to get pregnant again. After losing my daughter I was terrified that it would happen again, but I found that after I'd given myself time to heal, I felt strong enough emotionally to try again.
I know there's always a chance of something terrible happening, but sometimes you just need to take a leap of faith. I'm so glad I did, we just had our rainbow baby a few weeks ago - totally healthy.

carterh33 · September 2016

I've always heard that if you have more hope than fear about TTCAL, maybe it's a good time to try.

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