Stepmother wants to be referred as grandma.

ciramarie

I have no relationship with the woman my father has recently married. They dated 23 years ago and started talking around 4 months ago and just got married.
Ever since my SO and I found out we were expecting she won't stop referring to my child as her "grandbaby" and how excited she is to be a "grandma" again.

She did not raise me and is not a parent in anyway to me and I have expressed how uncomfortable it makes me feel she is pushing this title but it falls of deafened ears.

I only want my child to call their biological grandmothers by the title.

Am I being unreasonable?

AmadorRose

What about Nana? Like nah, nah, that's not your real grandma.

In all seriousness, if it bothers you that much you owe it to your father's wife (and your father) to explain your feelings. At the end of the day, it's your kid.

elasticheart13

In my case it's my stepmother in law that expects our LO to be her grandbaby as well. She married my FIL 5 years and I dislike her for several reasons but DH and her get along, so I don't mind her being part of our life. She never had children, but she says DH is the son she never had. She's a smart woman and I don't think it will surprise her if we don't teach our child to refer to her as grandma, but with a different title like @AmadorRose suggested.

fourtsixand2

This is a tough one since she and your father are only recently married.
As a step-parent myself, I can only hope that when my stepchildren are able to have children they will regard me as a grandparent.  After all, at their ages, by the time children come along I will have been in their lives for most of it.

It's a little tougher in your situation, since they are only just married and you don't have a relationship with her.  I think the best thing you can do is have a heart-to-heart with your father and get his input.

He may be able to talk with his wife about the situation without putting you in the middle.  

RoseShadow873

My mom got married this year to a man that is now my step father. I have known him for a few years now and I actually like him, so I have no issue with having my baby call him grandpa especially since he is married to the baby's grandma. It seems weird for it to be grandma and "grandma's husband" or to just use his first name or something. I will tell my kid about their biological grandpa sometime and be sure not to pretend he never existed (my dad died) but I still think it's fine for him to consider a non-blood relative a grandparent.

tripledaggerWed95976

I don't think you're being unreasonable if you two are not at all close. My son will call my stepmom grandma... But her and I are very close

shawnacrest

I'm having the same problem with my dad's girlfriend, who is moving to my dad's from 2 hours away at the beginning of January. Her grandchildren already call my dad granddaddy and her children refer to my dad as their stepdad. They aren't even married, and she keeps talking about how excited she is to have another grandchild. I've only met her 4 times.

I have no idea how to handle the situation. Good luck deciding what works best for you.

brie_and_almonds

My DD calls DH's stepmom Grandma and his stepdad Grandpa and step sisters are Aunties. Neither of them has been around for most of DH's life (stepmom married his dad when he was ~15, stepdad married his mom when he was ~21). It's up to you obviously, but ot of respect for the relationships with DH's real parents, step family is still family.

seasidesweete

Maybe tell her you will let baby decide when it can start talking. If you refer to her by name maybe baby will call her a cute form of her name or something. Good luck!

AGK2015

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! It would be one thing if she and your father had gotten married when you were young; it's a lot stranger to try and bestow family titles on parents' spouses (and those spouses' children) when they didn't enter your life until you were already an adult. My mother got remarried when I was 27. Get husband and I have a cordial relationship at best; he and I have some pretty major irreconcileable differences. At the end of the day, I'm glad she has somebody she loves, but that doesn't obligate me to love him, too. I know I'd be uncomfortable if he started referring to himself as my child's "grandpa" out of the blue, or if his daughter wanted recognition as my child's aunt; they don't have a relationship with me, and the likelihood they'll have one with my little girl is slim. That said, your kiddo has a while before he or she learns to talk; you don't have to worry too much about what he or she will call her just yet. It may be that your dad's new wife intends to really step it up and treat your child like she'd treat a biological grandchild. In that case, I wouldn't think it's weird for your kid to decide to call her "Grandma" organically. It just shouldn't be mandatory. In the meanwhile, other posters are right: talk to your dad. He should be able to intercede.

JadaBlue

I can offer a different perspective, having had a step-grandparent who married in at about the time of my birth (she had an affair with my grandfather, they both left their spouses for one another and remained in love until death 40 plus years later). While this destroyed my grandmother who remained bitter and vocally angry at my step until death, I was simply told she was my grandmother and it took many years for me to even realize biological grandparents were usually married to one other. By the time I understood the backstory I already loved and had good relationships with all my grandparents, step and bio. I was better off for having more people in my life who loved me, and I really respect the choice my mother made for me despite her own hurt feelings about her parents' divorce.  So to me the choice is not really about a name, but rather the chance at a relationship you're willing to allow your child to have with this person. Also, I have a long-term s-mother who LO will call the painful to my ears Grandmother derivative she has chosen for herself.  Edits: clarity

MrsCayEye

My step MIL goes by MiMi, we have a close relationship and DH & I both consider her as much of a grandparent to DS as our biological parents. However, MIL's husband is just his first name. I refuse to acknowledge him as a grandparent and I only refer to him as MIL's H, and DH is the same way. Her husband is a jerk and shows zero interest in having a relationship with us or DS, so I feel no need to acknowledge him as anything more than the man married to my MIL.

NachosAndPeaches

Yes, I think you're being unreasonable. I think she's excited and that's sweet. If grandma is a name being taken by one of the other rand parents then tell her that and have her come up with another name. DH's mom died when he was 7. His step mom who raised him is mamaw and considers DH one of her ten grandchildren even though she's no longer married to fil. Fil's current wife has been married to him since DH was like 25, so never in his childhood, and she is nana and loves DS so much. She has pictures of him all over her house. I'm so grateful that a "broken" family can have so much love for my DS.

aa79606

Also, keep in mind that step-families are a confusing concept for little ones. My SS is four and has known me almost 3 years. His BM lives out of state and he has only seen her by way of video calls for almost 2 years. He thinks and says he has 2 moms. This irritates his BM, but so far she has had the sense not to protest too much in front of him. We have told him I'm his step-mom before, but we don't make a big deal out of it because he doesn't understand what that means yet. He thinks his step-siblings (my kids) are every bit as much his siblings as his half siblings, and my mom is the only grandma he knows/remembers.

Bottom line, I think if your step-mom genuinely cares for and is good to and for your LO... Hurray for LO having bonus grandmas. HTH.

Wils0722

Talk to your dad. If she's not your mom and you don't call her mom then she's not grandma! It's very insensitive to you and quite frankly, you, your husband and your baby are all that matter. Everyone else's feelings be damned

ivyvines6

I had four sets of grandparents growing up, my step grandmothers were grandma's, while my biological ones were Meemaw, and Crumudgeon (long story on the nickname) Also had two Poppy's (both were step) and two Grandpa's.

I understand your hesitation about not wanting to go there yet with this woman, but your kid isn't going to know a difference, nor would it matter in the slightest if/when they break up in the future. I'd let it go for now. If she's going to be a major part of your life down the line, this will drive a wedge between the two of you that can be butter for years to come.

yodiggity

Wils0722 said:

Talk to your dad. If she's not your mom and you don't call her mom then she's not grandma! It's very insensitive to you and quite frankly, you, your husband and your baby are all that matter. Everyone else's feelings be damned

yodiggity

At what point did breeding become an excuse to be a douche? So what she's not your mother? You are going to set up your child to be a hater because you're pouting that daddy got remarried? My kid is going to have 3 sets of grand -parents. Two of the sets ("Nana and Pop" and "Grandma and Grandpa") will be sitting down enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with their collective children that only two of the "Grandparents" produced.

jpb7712

My stepdad raised me and my brother. He's literally my hero. His mother on the other hand has been nothing but cruel to me my entire life. She made it a point to introduce me as her adopted granddaughter and has always gone out of her way to make little comments about how I'm adopted. If there is a stepmother or step grandmother in your life who is excited about loving your children as her own grandchildren you should embrace that and feel luckily to have warm people in your life.

Jules08

Is she still going to play the role as being your child's grandmother?  Meaning is she going to love and accept your child as part of her family?  Is she going to treat your child any differently than she would a biological grandchild?  Is your child really going to know her as anything but what a grandmother is?

I have/ had 5 grandparents: My grandpa and grandma on my mom's side - grandpa passed when I was 4, grandma never remarried, and my grandma and grandpa on my dad's side - grandma passed before I was born and grandpa remarried to a lady I referred to as Marge, my step-grandma, grandma Marge.  Marge still filled the role as my grandma on my dad's side and we never treated each other any differently.

DH has a step-grandma that we refer to with DS as Grandma Lana.  His grandparents divorced and his grandpa remarried.  DH considers her his grandma because she has taken that active role with him (and with us) and continues to do so even though his grandpa has passed.

I think it's all in perspective and if you have truly accepted each other as family.  If so, I don't think the term grandma is unreasonable.

akb1125

My husbands stepmother has been in his life since he was 12. We're not particularly close with them for various reasons. I gave her a choice of a name just so we wouldn't cause fight. She's only seen my son I think 2-3 times since he was born. He's 22 months now. My point being just bc they have a name doesn't make them a grandparent. If your stepmom actually attempts to see your child and form a relationship- that's most important.

Also, on the other side, I called my step grandmother by her first name growing up. I never even realized it was weird until I was older. When I was younger it was just the name we called her.

rebelone

I have a stepdad that my mom just married about 15 years ago. My daughter was 2 years old when they got married. I didn't like him at first because my mom had ins and outs with him for a few years before those two decided to settle down. I can't recall if my stepdad was called Grandpa right away, but he certainly is Grandpa now and very much part of the family. Because I didn't like him very much in the beginning, it took me a long time to call him Dad, but now I'm more than happy to do so. He walked me down the aisle 5 years ago and he's been more of a father to me than my own dad. I think my daughter started calling him Grandpa much earlier and it was at her own free will and I didn't do anything to stop her, she's going to love who she's going to love and I seen how good he was to her. So given my experience, I don't think it's really necessary to make decisions about it now and just let time work things out.

kalanieileen

My stepdad is my dad. No ifs ands or buts about that. He raised me and stepped in when my biological sperm donor was no where to be found. I am not close with his Mom at all, aka my step grandma. But guess what, she is Grandma Sue because it's out of respect. Personal feelings aside, I love my dad and would never want to hurt his feelings.
I have to agree with @yodiggity
You're being absolutely unreasonable.

I am a step mother to my DH darling daughter, and I would be devastated if someone said I wasn't a "real parent" to her.

Wow some people have some real fucked up ideas of a step parent.

rebelone

Yeah, I agree with @kalanieileen, I think personal differences you have with a person shouldn't impede on the love a child can receive.

AGK2015

Wow.  Can we all agree to draw a distinction here?

It would be a "douche move" to forbid a kid from calling his grandfather's wife his "grandma" if they have a loving grandmother/grandson relationship, and he wants to call her that.  No argument there.  But that's not what's happening here.

Here we have a woman who is a recent addition to the OP's family, who is insisting that the OP acknowledge her as related in some essential way to OP's baby, without first establishing a relationship with OP. Demanding cordiality is one thing; faking a bond is another. Would you all be as quick to call her unreasonable if OP's father's new wife was demanding that OP address her as "Mom" and OP felt uncomfortable with that?  Establishing a family relationship takes a lot of work, and the fact that OP was an adult when her new stepparent entered the picture makes that work harder and more complicated, because there won't ever be that "Well, she raised me as her own" link.  From the sounds of it, a lot of you have had stepfamily make that effort, or are making the effort yourselves as stepparents; that doesn't mean that every stepparent does.

It's so, so awesome that so many of you have great relationships with your stepparents, and with your stepkids.  I hope that's possible for the OP (time will tell), and I wish that were possible for me. But at the end of the day, you can't force someone to see you as close family (on par with the family you already have) without making the effort to make a connection to them first.

BreannaaaMarieee

This is a really iffy topic. I have a good relationship with my Step Mom and want my son to call her nana, grandma, or whatever she would be comfortable with him calling her. However, my mom has a boyfriend that's been with her for several months who I absolutely can not stand.

He's robbing her blind and I've tried to tell her, so has my grandmother, and my aunt but she doesn't listen. He doesnt respect her and treat her the way she deserves but for some odd reason she still keeps him around. Out of respect for my mom though I do still respect them while I'm in their presence but I will not have my son calling him Grandpa, papa, or whatever.

I do not respect him as a person for how he treats my mom but I also tolerate him at the same time for her and I will around my son as well. I have told him at one point how I felt about him and how he shouldn't do my mom the way he is so I think him and I are on the same page. All in all its a civil situation he knows how I feel but we still respect each other. My son will refer to him by his name and I'm okay with that.

Edited to add if the step mother, step dad, or step whatever has played a significant role in your life, plans to, and same for your child's then I see no problem in my child calling them nana, grandma, papa, Grandpa. I do see a problem in it if its a situation like mine. For me anyways. We all have our own opinions and what you choose to do is on you. At the same time though, you have to think about your child.

If you have absolutely no reasoning behind why you don't want your child to call her grandma just because she isn't biological then yes, I find that unreasonable.

rebelone

AGK2015 said:

Would you all be as quick to call her unreasonable if OP's father's new wife was demanding that OP address her as "Mom" and OP felt uncomfortable with that?  Establishing a family relationship takes a lot of work, and the fact that OP was an adult when her new stepparent entered the picture makes that work harder and more complicated, because there won't ever be that "Well, she raised me as her own" link.  From the sounds of it, a lot of you have had stepfamily make that effort, or are making the effort yourselves as stepparents; that doesn't mean that every stepparent does.

And I completely agree with you. As my original response, I mentioned I don't think it's necessary to be making decisions right away and let time work things out.

kalanieileen

I think @rebelone hit it right. Let it work itself out, keep an open mind, and see where it goes.

The op comment isn't what ticked me. It's the other comments. I'm not my DH daughters mom, and she doesn't call me mom out of respect for her mom, but that doesn't make me any less of a motherly figure to her. That's the point I was trying to come across.

But like I said, maybe it's just me, but I have no relationship with my step grandma. But I still refer to her as grandma for my dads sake.

BreannaaaMarieee

rebelone said:

AGK2015 said:

Would you all be as quick to call her unreasonable if OP's father's new wife was demanding that OP address her as "Mom" and OP felt uncomfortable with that?  Establishing a family relationship takes a lot of work, and the fact that OP was an adult when her new stepparent entered the picture makes that work harder and more complicated, because there won't ever be that "Well, she raised me as her own" link.  From the sounds of it, a lot of you have had stepfamily make that effort, or are making the effort yourselves as stepparents; that doesn't mean that every stepparent does.

And I completely agree with you. As my original response, I mentioned I don't think it's necessary to be making decisions right away and let time work things out.


I completely agree with you @rebelone but I'd like to add we have to remember it takes two to form a relationship. If the step mom is really trying then try with her. Let it work it's self out but give her a chance as well. A lot of great relationships can be built in a short amount of time just from my experiences. If she wants to play an active role in your child's life and yours then go with it. We still have some time before making big decisions and I believe a great relationship can be built within the next 4-5 months. Also, keep in mind our babies have a little before they start realizing who grandma and grandpa really are. Of course they know mom and dad but everyone else at first is a blur.

yodiggity

The OP asked if she was being unreasonable, I think she is. The stepmom is obviously interested in having a relationship with the child. It doesn't sound like she's even given the woman an opportunity to begin to have a relationship with her. 

I was an adult when my dad married my stepmother and therefore did not have any part in raising me. My sister was pg with my niece at the time and my niece knows no one else as her "Grandma" aside from my mother who is her "Nana". 

The child will not care how long Grandma and Grandpa have been married. Now, I do think, if the OP's bio-mother wants to be called "Grandma" another name could be given to the stepmom as someone suggested but it certainly shouldn't mean anything less than being a Grandma.

Whether you like the woman or not, it shouldn't have an impact on the relationship the child has with his/her Grandparents.

aa79606

I think there's a difference between OP's stepmom repeatedly calling OP's LO her grandbaby, and OP's stepmom literally *demanding* to be called grandma by the LO. It's hard to tell from the post if that's what happened. Sounds like the stepmom is excited about the baby, and yes, perhaps she's overstepping her place considering she is a recent addition to the family... Maybe she's just "pushing" because she's trying to show OP that she's really sincere. Idk. I just think it would be a shame to discourage LO from having a loving relationship with someone who is excited about being their grandparent.

Plus, who doesn't like the idea of having an extra free babysitter or two in the family tree? #silverlinings

cosmobella

This same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my first. My mom was gaga over this guy she just met that wasn't very nice to me and my sisters (still isn't) and decided to quickly marry him and insert him into the family. It's been 6 years and we are sill not close and I do not look at him as a father figure. DH and I decided against the "grandpa" title and and have stuck to that. My sister's kids who are older than mine also don't refer to him as grandpa. My mom's feelings were hurt initially but we really felt that she does not get to dictate our relationship with him, especially not in that time frame. Since then, he is Bill or Mr. Bill to my children. I don't place specific limits on their relationship- he jokes around with them and gives hugs and kisses. They do activities together when the boys are over their house. But I don't think its appropriate for them to refer to him with the title when he has not been father-like to me. 

Things may be different on a woman's side since they tend to be more nurturing. DH's mom is a (step) grandma to her husband's kids' children and it is totally different from the way things work on my side.

yodiggity

cosmobella said:

This same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my first. My mom was gaga over this guy she just met that wasn't very nice to me and my sisters (still isn't) and decided to quickly marry him and insert him into the family. It's been 6 years and we are sill not close and I do not look at him as a father figure. DH and I decided against the "grandpa" title and and have stuck to that. My sister's kids who are older than mine also don't refer to him as grandpa. My mom's feelings were hurt initially but we really felt that she does not get to dictate our relationship with him, especially not in that time frame. Since then, he is Bill or Mr. Bill to my children. I don't place specific limits on their relationship- he jokes around with them and gives hugs and kisses. They do activities together when the boys are over their house. But I don't think its appropriate for them to refer to him with the title when he has not been father-like to me. 

Things may be different on a woman's side since they tend to be more nurturing. DH's mom is a (step) grandma to her husband's kids' children and it is totally different from the way things work on my side.

Based on the information the OP gave, it's not the same thing. She didn't say that this woman was mean, rude, cruel or give any indication of the sort. Just that her dad married her roughly 4 months ago and she's referring to OP's baby as her Grandchild.

AGK2015

yodiggity said:

cosmobella said:

This same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my first. My mom was gaga over this guy she just met that wasn't very nice to me and my sisters (still isn't) and decided to quickly marry him and insert him into the family. It's been 6 years and we are sill not close and I do not look at him as a father figure. DH and I decided against the "grandpa" title and and have stuck to that. My sister's kids who are older than mine also don't refer to him as grandpa. My mom's feelings were hurt initially but we really felt that she does not get to dictate our relationship with him, especially not in that time frame. Since then, he is Bill or Mr. Bill to my children. I don't place specific limits on their relationship- he jokes around with them and gives hugs and kisses. They do activities together when the boys are over their house. But I don't think its appropriate for them to refer to him with the title when he has not been father-like to me. 

Things may be different on a woman's side since they tend to be more nurturing. DH's mom is a (step) grandma to her husband's kids' children and it is totally different from the way things work on my side.

Based on the information the OP gave, it's not the same thing. She didn't say that this woman was mean, rude, cruel or give any indication of the sort. Just that her dad married her roughly 4 months ago and she's referring to OP's baby as her Grandchild.

Check again, but the timeline the OP gave was that her father and this woman started talking 4 months ago and just got married; that doesn't mean they've been married for four months.  And since OP indicates this has been an issue since she and her SO found out they were pregnant, this may have been happening before any wedding actually took place.  Which would throw a whole 'nother monkeywrench in the works.

yodiggity

AGK2015 said:

yodiggity said:

Based on the information the OP gave, it's not the same thing. She didn't say that this woman was mean, rude, cruel or give any indication of the sort. Just that her dad married her roughly 4 months ago and she's referring to OP's baby as her Grandchild.

Check again, but the timeline the OP gave was that her father and this woman started talking 4 months ago and just got married; that doesn't mean they've been married for four months.  And since OP indicates this has been an issue since she and her SO found out they were pregnant, this may have been happening before any wedding actually took place.  Which would throw a whole 'nother monkeywrench in the works.

Ok, I read that wrong. My point though regarding the pp was that having a mean stepdad was not the same thing as what the OP is going through.

kalanieileen

Maybe the OP can shed a little more light for less confusion. Hello?

ciramarie

Well thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my post! This subject has just been looming over me the last few days and I wanted to seek out other points of view other than my SO.

By no means do I intend to keep a relationship from my child and stepmother!!! She is a nice lady from what little time I have spent with her and she makes my father very happy. But I have yet to bond with her in a way that makes me feel comfortable hearing her talking about my child like that. Territorial I guess? All of this is new to me. Sorry if I offended anyone with such awesome loving step parents. Not the way I wanted to go!

From what my father has told me about her was 23 years ago they dated for a year and it ended horribly and my father almost filed for harassment against her, which shocked me to the core after he said they reconnected and we're getting married after months of finding each other online again.

He says that's in the past and he's happy now but I still worry.
I know only time will tell what kind of relationships and bonds will form and I won't scold or correct my child if they refer to her as Nana or another variation. I want nothing but love in my family and I do hope to grow closer to my step mother due to my real mother lives so far away.

I'm not trying to cement myself from calling her grandma, it just makes me uncomfortable at this point in time.

blonde_mama

ciramarie said:

Well thank you to everyone who took the time to comment on my post! This subject has just been looming over me the last few days and I wanted to seek out other points of view other than my SO.

By no means do I intend to keep a relationship from my child and stepmother!!! She is a nice lady from what little time I have spent with her and she makes my father very happy. But I have yet to bond with her in a way that makes me feel comfortable hearing her talking about my child like that. Territorial I guess? All of this is new to me. Sorry if I offended anyone with such awesome loving step parents. Not the way I wanted to go!

From what my father has told me about her was 23 years ago they dated for a year and it ended horribly and my father almost filed for harassment against her, which shocked me to the core after he said they reconnected and we're getting married after months of finding each other online again.

He says that's in the past and he's happy now but I still worry.
I know only time will tell what kind of relationships and bonds will form and I won't scold or correct my child if they refer to her as Nana or another variation. I want nothing but love in my family and I do hope to grow closer to my step mother due to my real mother lives so far away.

I'm not trying to cement myself from calling her grandma, it just makes me uncomfortable at this point in time.

Makes total sense. I would feel the exact same way! Hope you are able to bond with her more before baby comes so it's not so uncomfortable

cosmobella

It can be hard dealing with new "family members" and I'm sure OP is feeling protective of her LO. I was commiserating in the feeling of not having time to establish a relationship and being expected to assign a relation between this new person and my unborn child. It is unfair for people to tell you how to digest or respond to this right now. Take your time and see what feels right. Let your dad know your feelings in the meantime and hopefully they can accept that this is all very new and you need time to adjust. 

nikkinbonnie

My LO will have three grandmas-my mom, DH's mom and my stepmom. I count this as a blessing having so many people to love my little one. My dad didn't marry my stepmom until I was an adult so we didn't have a mother daughter relationship when I was growing up and I am very close to my mom but my stepmom will definitely be my child's grandmother. My mom is even on board and happily talking about what the baby will call everyone. My stepdads mother met me when I was 13 and took me in as her granddaughter as soon as my mom and (step)dad married and having her as my grandmother was one of the best things to happen to me. I am much closer to her than my bio grandma.

I know every situation is different but I think the more people who love your baby the better.

DeeJ88

Please keep in mind that people can change. Just because she may have acted crazy 23 years ago, doesn't mean she would still do the same thing in an older/wiser state of mind. I've known people that have had horrible breakups, then years later rekindle and go on to have amazing marriages. With time people can change tremendously. I know that personally I'm not even the same person I was a couple years ago.