Intro and question

idontevenknow

Hey there! I'm mobile, so bare with me . My SO and I have been together for over 3 years. We both have dd's from previous relationships- mine is 11 and his is almost 4. We are expecting a baby boy in just a couple of weeks. I have been in his dd's life since she was 6 mos old. He moved in with me when she was about a year.

His DD is with us about 6 nights a month ( plus a day each midweek) and I love her! My problem is- and has been for the past nearly 3 years, is that she needs someone to sleep with her. My SO tried to bring her into our bed initially- which I can't do! If you bed share, wonderful! But I can't do that... and wouldn't appreciate my daughter sleeping in bed with her step mom and father- but to each their own. So, for the last two years, whenever she's here, I basically sleep alone- whatever, I know it could be worse. If he puts her to sleep and comes to bed, she comes and gets him and drags him to her room to sleep. I've talked to him about it several times (probably every other weekend that she's here since they moved in and sometimes in between) and he gets really sensitive- "be patient, babe"... like waiting it out for well over 2 years isn't being patient? I recommended getting a gate for her door, but he just dismisses me. I've talked to SD about showing her baby brother how she is a big girl and sleeps in her big girl bed, and she just stares at me or shakes her head "no". I feel like he's had plenty of time to sleep train her and we are nearing a big change. SD is going to correlate baby with taking her dad away at night and I'm really nervous about this. Plus, the selfish part of me (maybe it's all selfish, idk) is like- well, what is going to happen when she barges into our room to get her dad and she wakes the baby?

I believe what makes it harder is the fact that she has no bed of her own at her moms.

My dd never had sleep issues and loved to be in her bed alone, so I don't know what to do. Do any of you wonderful people have advice?

TIA!

FinallyHappy84

I don't understand why SD doesn't have her own bed at BMs house? Does BM have primary physical custody because it's going to be a little more difficult at this point to get her sleep her own bed by herself if that's not what she's used to and then SO just rolls with it when she comes for visitation?
My only advice is to have a talk with your SO about your concerns and then see why he doesn't find it to be a concern? Communication is key and you two have to be on the same page. Honestly, prior to moving in it should have been addressed how you two would co parent within your own household since you both were bringing in children from previous relationships. With your new LO arriving in a couple weeks and depending on the visitation schedule, I wouldn't expect it to change any time soon but you'll also need your SO on the same page and then patience and a routine with SD. Good luck and congratulations on your new LO!

idontevenknow

Thanks @FinallyHappy84‌ for your response! SD doesn't have her own bed at her mom's because she sleeps in her mom's bed with BM. BM does have primary physical custody of SD. That's a good way to word it to SO- "why don't you find this issue to be a concern?". Shortly after I posted the question, my SO let me know that he spoke with SD about staying in her own bed tonight.... may be a moot point since she goes back to her mom's tomorrow. We'll see.

Thanks again!!

HoolyGo

It sounds like he may be coming around based on your last post. But, if the issue crops up again, have you tried approaching the conversation from a place that's 100% about his DD and not about how you feel or the new baby? If not, I'd approach it from the standpoint of things having to change when the baby comes and it's unfair to your SD to wait until then to deal with it. Ask him to imagine how she'll feel having to already deal with the changes coming with a newborn and then also dealing with a big sleep change. You alluded to this in your initial post, but if you're including it as part of a larger convo instead of as the main convo, perhaps it would make a difference to him. You could even mention how experts mention trying to avoid any big changes at the same time as a baby arriving if possible (e.g. potty training, preschool, moving from the crib, etc.)

idontevenknow

Thanks @HoolyGo‌! I will bring this up during our next convo. I don't think I have brought up the two big changes at once- which absolutely isn't fair to SD... hopefully he will get it. You guys are great!

agar0525

Just a little insight from my experience. When I met DH, he didn't have a bed for my SD. She shared beds with him at his house, and shared beds with her BM at that house. I, like you, was totally uncomfortable cosleeping with SD and explained it to him just like you said - he wouldn't like it if she coslept with her mom and new boyfriend/stepdad... It was REALLLLLLY hard and for a long time, but basically when we decided to move in together, we would put her to bed, and each time she got up we would go tuck her back in bed, rub her back, and she'd fall back asleep. Sometimes she would cry and that was really hard, but after a while she was really proud of her big girl room. Now she still sleeps in her own room at our home, and still shares with her mom at her moms - and she is always complaining about how she has to share LOL. I know her mom is trying to get things in order to get a bigger place - but MAN it was hard. 

Hang in there, I know without a doubt that if she had coslept with us her BM would have had a major fit, and I don't think I would blame her. 

lookame3639

I have the oposite issue. DS has his own bed and sleeps in his own bed at my house but at exs he has to sleep in a large bed with 2 other kids, a girl his age and a younger boy (he's about 3). They even have them sleep together when one of them is sick...it bothers me so much!

CurlieWhirlie

Ugh, I know this problem. My 10 and 8 year old SSs cosleep with their mother still (!!!) and she has primary physical custody. So when they come to our house every other weekend and we expect them to sleep in their own room, it can be a problem. Neither one of them liked it at first, but the 8 year old rolled with it pretty quickly. The 10 year old took a lot of work. A lot of up-in-the-middle-of-the-night to walk him back to his bed and rub his back and get him to fall asleep. A lot of angry arguments in the middle of the night and refusals to go back downstairs, ending with him sleeping on the living room floor. He felt that his dad choosing to sleep with me and not with him was his dad choosing me *over* him. It was hard for a long time. 

You know what worked well for us that you might try, was an intercom. We put an intercom on the boys' bedside tables and linked them to our room. The one from my SSs room goes to their dad's bedside table, and the one from my DSs room goes to my bedside table. They used them frequently at first, but over time just knowing that they can reach out a hand and talk to us has been a comfort, and they don't need it as much. And even if they do call us, often we can just talk to them and reassure them without having to get up. 

You and PPs are absolutely right that you need to address this now, before the baby comes, so that you don't run the risk of her blaming the baby for the changes.