I understand your enthusiasm, but it sounds like you and your boyfriend have a lot going on right now, and it might not be the best time to add a child to the mix.
What's your health insurance situation? Will you and your boyfriend be able to financially support your child in the event that living with family and getting free babysitting isn't an option?
I'm about to turn 23 in a few days and me and my boyfriend are talking about TTC next year. He's saving up for a ring right now but I don't feel like we have to be married before we make a little us. I used to be very traditional about that and wanted all my ducks just right in a row before we thought about it, but at this time in our lives feels more than right, it feels needed. We have been together three years and last August we even talked about having a child but I wasn't as on board right then.
Our current situation is one where people would assume a baby right now would be an accident. I'm going back to school in January and just got a full time job. Boyfriend is nearly employed (just some finishing touches) but it's part-time. It's decent pay but I know between the two of us we couldn't move out. Instead, the plan is for me to move into his house with his dad (who we may very well need to start taking care of due to possible cancer) and turn the spare bedroom into a nursery. I would be able to go to school (because my job wants to work with me on that) while I was pregnant and be one year away from a bachelor's degree by the time I had a baby, if we start at the beginning of the next year.
I know it reads like a not planned pregnancy. And I'm not even pregnant yet but we want a baby. It's not to fix anything, we are in a great relationship. We've had huge fights and stupid fights and romantic nights and amazing days etc. We just are realizing with his mom already gone and his dad maybe leaving us in an untimely manner and with my parents getting older but no grandchildren that besides us wanting that light in our lives, we want to give to our parents as well. His dad has been begging for a grandchild almost 6 months after we first started dating. The amount of help we would receive is immense from my mom being stay-at-home, my sister's losing their minds with excitement and his grandmother who helped raise him. To us it's about family and love, not trying to line up everything perfectly first.
I've never been the party girl, I like spending way more time with my family and friends watching movies and playing card games. He's beyond irritated at the life his friends lead and wants to move on and away from it. He has friends who have kids and are not married or haven't even moved out of the house. To us it's more important to share our love with our child and our family than to make as much money as possible and have the perfect house or dream job. I'm still going to school and have a very real career goal (family therapist) but I've also always wanted to be a mother. There is no reason that I can't go to school and work and raise a child with their father and family.
I'm just venting here because I feel like I can't let anyone in my family in on this plan until he gets a ring because I know the response. The irresponsible response and the shock that the one responsible daughter would choose to do this. But I see the beauty it's brought into my friend's lives who don't have the dad in the picture and who don't live in their own house. I'm just already sick of the idea that people are going to judge me almost more harshly that I want to do this instead of it "accidentally" happening.
The bold part worries me. You don't have enough money to move out? Do you have enough money to have a baby? Don't depend on everyone else to buy everything for your kid. If you two have a kid then it is your responsibility to pay for it. Do either of you have health insurance? It can run 200+ a month depending on coverage. What about child care while you work or go to school? Daycare is expensive. Don't always rely on family for that too because other people have their own lives and sometimes they can't restructure their day around watching your kid. You say you work full-time and your BF works part-time. Well is his income going to be enough for the three of
you to live off of while you're on leave? What if something happens
during the pregnancy where you can't work? He might have to support you
for awhile (happened to me).
In my opinion, it seems like you might need some more time to figure stuff out. You're young. And realize that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive. So it might happen right away or not. Also, don't have a kid just because everyone is begging you to have one. Have one when you two are ready. If everyone is going to pay for your kid and watch him or her whenever you need then by all means go ahead. But just realize, babies grow up and the new baby stage wears off and people start living their lives again. You two will always have another human to take care of...regardless of what your family says now....things can change. Sounds like you are just being pressured by family to pop one out instead of logically thinking it through. It's no one's decision but you and your boyfriends.
amc2511: My health insurance is pretty great, I'm happy about it. I would obviously check that out before we actually try and conceive but I know I have good coverage. My boyfriend is at my previous job so I know that's good insurance as well. To answer your question though, if we didn't have family to live with or free baby sitting from my mom we would be in a rough spot. However knowing my family and his we will be able to live at his house, there is plenty of room and his dad makes good money and is more than happy to not charge us rent. And in a hypothetical situation I've talked to my mom about babysitting and she would be over the moon to support me.
normandyn7: The amount of money we'd be making combined could support a child, just not moving out AND a child. So we could move out and not have a baby, or live rent free with free food, utilities and internet/cable and have a baby. As I mentioned, he's wanted me to move in and for us to have a baby for a long time now, so it isn't something he hasn't thought about providing.
As far as the babysitting thing, my boyfriend has stated that he doesn't want me to go to work after the baby is born, he wants me home for at least the first two years. With that in mind, he is working on moving up in the company, it's mostly a matter of training after he's hired. Then it would turn into full time. He would have a full time job before we had a baby. I'm waiting for a ring before that anyway. With living at his dad's house I will be making enough money with insurance and savings to be able to account for complications. But that's the thing, I can't pretend something even more major won't happen. But if we're going to wait until we're financially "stable" so to speak, we might be here forever.
My experience with "stable" anything is temporary. I got lucky and my childhood was stable (financially) from 0-12. I lived in the same house and my parents have always been together. Since 13 I've been aware of my family's financial situation and sometimes it's scary and other times we're livin' large. My boyfriend experienced his parents splitting up for a time, he lived with his grandma some of the time and then his parents got back together but had other types of issues. His mother passed away when he was 20. He's not used to experiencing much financial or even total family stability and he doesn't regret a single moment of his childhood. I think those things work out because there is love and support involved.
Our family isn't pressuring us at all to have a child. Both of us have been talking since last August about it and just recently have we become more serious about starting to actually do it. I'm beyond the moon excited about it and he's the one who has brought it up every time in the first place. And we want to be parents. We don't want to just make a baby to make people happy and then expect everyone else to watch it. We, together are very excited and adamant about raising a happy, healthy child. We've talked scores over future things about teenage years and being ten years old. It's not a passing fancy or something trendy we're trying to do. It's something in our hearts that we feel is right and needed.
I've thought logically about the whole thing. Wait for me to get my master's degree when I'm 26 before I have kids. That's what I thought. Get school out of the way because believe me I've heard it's hard and I don't believe that it'll be a walk in the park. But I also don't see why women who "accidentally" have a child are commended for working two jobs, going to school and raising a child while being single but if I choose to have a child with a very involved father and go to school and work I'm not being logical. And I'm not throwing this all at you as a angry response because I know I'm getting heated. It's directed to plenty of unamed people where these words have been uttered.
amc2511: My health insurance is pretty great, I'm happy about it. I would obviously check that out before we actually try and conceive but I know I have good coverage. My boyfriend is at my previous job so I know that's good insurance as well. To answer your question though, if we didn't have family to live with or free baby sitting from my mom we would be in a rough spot. However knowing my family and his we will be able to live at his house, there is plenty of room and his dad makes good money and is more than happy to not charge us rent. And in a hypothetical situation I've talked to my mom about babysitting and she would be over the moon to support me.
normandyn7: The amount of money we'd be making combined could support a child, just not moving out AND a child. So we could move out and not have a baby, or live rent free with free food, utilities and internet/cable and have a baby. As I mentioned, he's wanted me to move in and for us to have a baby for a long time now, so it isn't something he hasn't thought about providing.
As far as the babysitting thing, my boyfriend has stated that he doesn't want me to go to work after the baby is born, he wants me home for at least the first two years. With that in mind, he is working on moving up in the company, it's mostly a matter of training after he's hired. Then it would turn into full time. He would have a full time job before we had a baby. I'm waiting for a ring before that anyway. With living at his dad's house I will be making enough money with insurance and savings to be able to account for complications. But that's the thing, I can't pretend something even more major won't happen. But if we're going to wait until we're financially "stable" so to speak, we might be here forever.
My experience with "stable" anything is temporary. I got lucky and my childhood was stable (financially) from 0-12. I lived in the same house and my parents have always been together. Since 13 I've been aware of my family's financial situation and sometimes it's scary and other times we're livin' large. My boyfriend experienced his parents splitting up for a time, he lived with his grandma some of the time and then his parents got back together but had other types of issues. His mother passed away when he was 20. He's not used to experiencing much financial or even total family stability and he doesn't regret a single moment of his childhood. I think those things work out because there is love and support involved.
Our family isn't pressuring us at all to have a child. Both of us have been talking since last August about it and just recently have we become more serious about starting to actually do it. I'm beyond the moon excited about it and he's the one who has brought it up every time in the first place. And we want to be parents. We don't want to just make a baby to make people happy and then expect everyone else to watch it. We, together are very excited and adamant about raising a happy, healthy child. We've talked scores over future things about teenage years and being ten years old. It's not a passing fancy or something trendy we're trying to do. It's something in our hearts that we feel is right and needed.
I've thought logically about the whole thing. Wait for me to get my master's degree when I'm 26 before I have kids. That's what I thought. Get school out of the way because believe me I've heard it's hard and I don't believe that it'll be a walk in the park. But I also don't see why women who "accidentally" have a child are commended for working two jobs, going to school and raising a child while being single but if I choose to have a child with a very involved father and go to school and work I'm not being logical. And I'm not throwing this all at you as a angry response because I know I'm getting heated. It's directed to plenty of unamed people where these words have been uttered.
Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to try for a baby is up to you and your boyfriend. I'm glad that you have family who you think would be supportive and willing to help you out, but unless you include them in your decision of TTC now, I don't think it is fair to them to assume that they will provide all of the support you would need to depend on based on your current circumstances.
I was pregnant while in college and it wasn't some cake walk you seem to think it will be. Try working part time and going to school full time and being pregnant. I was also high risk. Also if you are leeching off of a relative because you and your bf can't seem to get your shit together then you have no business having a baby. If you and your bf can't support each other in a traditional setting then why do you think this is going to work out well? You are using someone else to get the nessessities if life and basically spending your own money on whatever. It is up to you at the end of the day but you're doing this our of convince of a situation but not thinking about when things chance or what is right. You're being selfish and need to grow up.
My concern with your plan is if once the baby comes, you have extra expenses, you are tired and spending most of your time talking care of baby, that you won't be able to finish your degree, let alone go on for the Masters. It sounds like you have a career goal and that is great but it can be very difficult to do it all with a kid.
You also said that your boyfriend doesn't want you to work for two years after the baby. So you will have less money for the three of you than just the two of you live on. Would you be able to afford tuition on a decreased income.
Also don't plan on your boyfriend getting a raise or getting promoted to full time. Until I see it in writing those are just pipe dreams. If you would have told me my husband would be laid off three times in three years and it would take him four years just to get a raise I wouldn't have believed you. However in many areas of the country the economy is still recovering. Makes me wonder if your goal of being a family therapist has more income potential of both of your careers.
You said that you can't talk to anyone IRL about possibly having a baby (which was the reason for the post), yet your SO's father is "begging for a grandchild" and will let you move in with a baby? And you also know your mom will babysit? Seems like lots of people in your life know you are thinking about TTC. Just wondering about that seeming discrepancy in your OP.
Look, people have had babies in way worse situations than what you are describing, and have made it work. Even in ideal situations people struggle, but I think for the best shot possible at having a happy family, a happy baby and a happy life, it's best to get things as close to ideal as possible. I am not saying that means you have to get married, but I do think having solid employment, great coverage, and a nest egg put away is a great start.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
I vote you just finish school, and get a place of your own. Having a job and going to school is hard enough. Add a baby in the mix? I also am concerned you wouldn't finish school.
Also, if you can't afford to live on your own, how will you afford a baby? What is your insurance like? Simply giving birth cost a shit ton of money.
There is no perfect time to have a baby, but there sure as hell is a stupid time.
I think I understand how you're feeling right now. I'm 23 and my husband is 24, and we've just started talking about maybe having a baby. I graduated with my bachelors in accounting in May and we both work full time. I agree with you that life is short and unpredictable and sometimes the right decision isn't always the rational decision.
Anyways, It sounds like your mind is pretty made up and you kind of have a plan but I'd encourage you to listen to the concerns the PP have brought up. I'm not saying don't have a baby because of those concerns, just have a plan in place to deal with them.
This info might help. I worked up a potential budget (financial analyst by trade, lol) and even with very good insurance, just having a baby is going to cost my husband and myself $3,000 for co-pays for delivery and dr apps(and that's in OK) We estimate the nursery will cost about $1,000 to set up (admittedly you could spend far less) and I have paid maternity leave but we estimate if I have to take 2 extra FMLA weeks it will cost us $1,500 in salary. $5500 right off the bat scares the pants off me! Sounds like you know what you're up against though.
The only part I think you haven't considered is how nice being married and settled is. I don't claim to be an expert (on marriage or babies!), but I encourage you not to rob yourself of those newlywed years! Getting to buy a house together, go on fun vacations and graduate college before baby is awesome! I've only been married for 4 years (married at 19 to a soldier so I've clearly made some seemingly irrational decisions!) but I've loved all of our time alone together. Just a thought!
You said he's saving up for a ring to propose but you can afford a baby? Do you have any idea the cost difference between an engagement ring and a pregnancy, delivery, and a baby?
Please consider waiting until you finish school and have a place of your own. I would also wait until you're married because you and baby will have significantly more benefits.
You said he's saving up for a ring to propose but you can afford a baby? Do you have any idea the cost difference between an engagement ring and a pregnancy, delivery, and a baby?
Please consider waiting until you finish school and have a place of your own. I would also wait until you're married because you and baby will have significantly more benefits.
exactly this. He's saving up for a ring, but you think you can afford to have a baby? You know one is a one time expense, while the other is 18 years, minimum, right?
So let me get this straight.... You're afraid your family will judge you for having a kid right now, but you know they'll be over the moon and willing to do anything to help. You can't make enough money to support yourselves, but you can make enough money to support a kid. You're relying on BH's father for a place to live because he makes good money, but he may have cancer. Your BF is "nearly employed", but he doesn't want you to work.
WTAF are you thinking? You can't afford to take care of yourselves, much less a child. And you absolutely cannot count on help from anyone else in raising your child. Even with the best of intentions, things change. You don't know who will have a health crisis, a new job, or their own interests and suddenly, your free babysitting vanishes (possibly along with your place to live). Don't believe me? Post this on the Working Mothers board and see what they say.
Look, I get wanting to give an ailing parent grandchildren. My mom was sick most of my life, and passed away when I was 25. And as much as she was baby crazy, she would have greatly preferred that I have children when the time was right for me, when I could support them on my own, and not to make her happy. That's what being a parent is-putting what's best for your child ahead of what you want. Perhaps you should consider that a bit before you TTGP.
When I was 18, in the summer between graduating high school and starting college I had an accidental pregnancy. I was young and naive and as soon as I saw two positive pregnancy tests I thought it meant I'd be having a baby. I fully trusted that. I calculated my due date, which fell the week before final exams finishing up my freshman year, starting reading What to Expect When You're Expecting, & began to prepare myself to break the news to my family, who I felt would be quite disappointed. But, it turned out to be a chemical pregnancy, and I got my period only 3 days after the faintly positive tests. Even being young and scared and unprepared, I felt like something was ripped from me. One moment I was so nervous to be a mom, the next devastated that I wouldn't be. My boyfriend was gung-ho about just trying to get pregnant and calling it an accident like the first was, he wanted to replace the child we had lost. And, honestly, emotionally, I felt drawn toward that idea even though it was far, far, far from convenient (I ended up ending that relationship a year and a half later). I fought my hormones, fought my feelings, and stuck to my birth control routine.
So, I understand. It was a battle for me for a little while to take the more responsible road and wait. Now, I'm 24, married, a college graduate, employed full time (as well as my husband), we have better health insurance than the vast majority of people I know, and we have a house in an excellent school district that will fit our growing family nicely. We'll be trying in the summer not long after I turn 25.
For us, I'm glad we've waited. I am glad we will be able to announce our pregnancy to parents who will be thrilled, rather than disappointed. I'm glad we have rooms for nurseries and emergency funds and live in a good school district. I'm glad for my health insurance and my marriage and the time I've been able to spend with my husband and travel and go on dates etc. (4 and a half years now, likely more than 6 by the time a baby comes).
I can't say that it's the right decision for you. But for me, it was. I'm proud of how far I've come in these last 6 years. And I'm STILL waiting for the most convenient time, building up funds, and accomplishing projects although now I'm down to waiting months instead of years.
I would really, really think about the reasons why you want a child right now. I know it'll be hard to lose a parent and know that they will never see your children, but many parents would want you to prioritize your success and stability over building a family.
I know right now it seems like a long time from now, but a couple years will pass quickly.
I sincerely don't mean to make any assumptions about your character, but you kind of sound like you want this to look like an accident and not like you're doing this deliberately. Is it possible that you know that your family wouldn't be nearly as supportive in the way you claim if they knew you did this on purpose? Isn't that kind of actually dishonest, if that were true? If you can't afford a ring, you cannot afford a baby. You can find an engagement ring for $99; there is no $99 baby.
I was actually thinking this too, but was more thinking that you could get one for like 10.00, or not get one at all.
Get a plain silver wedding band and call it a day. This is part of having your priorities straight.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
You sound like a hot mess. No, it is not a good time to have a baby for you right now. "Almost" employed, my ass.
Get your degree(s), BOTH of you get jobs, live on your own (yes, really on your own), save money, maybe or maybe not get a ring and a wedding and THEN consider a baby. Also, a JOP can marry you w/o the ring and the fancy party but the legal protections of marriage are not small so "waiting til you have money for a ring" but having a baby in the interrim sounds like a very stupid idea to me.
Six years of infertility and loss, four IUIs, one IVF and one very awesome little boy born via med-free birth 10.24.13.
I have to agree with PPs. This sounds like a bad idea.
I am 23. I wanted kids when I was 20. H wasn't ready so we waited. Last April H decided he was ready so we cracked down on our baby bucket list. We have set Oct.2015 as our TTC month because we will have met our financial goals and ideally I will have 2+ years of schooling behind me before we would be due. We are okay with me finishing school while I stay home because we can afford it and he has incredible job security.
Financially before TTC we will have 6 months worth of living expenses(including baby expenses), no debt at all, an additional years worth of estimated baby expenses, our ins. deductible saved, money for a nursery and gear, and 10k for a hefty down payment on a new car. We are busting butt to get our list checked off but we feel like it was worth waiting.
There is NEVER a right time to have a baby but there are bad times to have them. Your situation sounds like a bad time.
Love: March 2010 Marriage: July 2013 Debt Free: October 2014 TTC: April 2015
BFP: April 10, 2016 EDD: December 19, 2016 Team Blue! Oscar born November 20, 2016 at 35w6d
DH and I are 29 and 32. We both have secure full-time jobs. We have family for child care. We have good insurance. We rent a home..... And it's STILL a struggle. A new baby is MUCH harder than it may seem even when you have all your ducks in a row.
All I can muster is that this plan is terrible and I would be beyond pissed if my son and his SO were planning a baby so they can continue living under my roof for free while I'm battling cancer. Really? Really?!?! Be an adult and handle your business like everyone else instead of mooching off others to do it for you. This has nothing to do with being married or not.
My advice, save your money. Get a house (buy or rent). Finish school. Have a baby. Be an adult and provide for your own child instead of relying on your BFs dad to give you a rent free place to stay and him paying for everything and free childcare for your kid. Your child is your responsibility. You should be providing for it yourself. If your bf moves up and is able to support you then great. But don't assume that it will work out. My husband got a management position and I assumed I would be able to stay home and we could live off his salary. Nope. Didn't work out that way. This just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I appreciate a lot of the feed back and I am terribly sorry to the one poster who mentioned I spelled judgment wrong because I stuck an extra E in there. Really does show my level of education, jesus cristo.
ANYWAY. I think it's hard to come across as who I am over the internet to a bunch of strangers and make them understand. I wrote this post emotionally, kind of like a blog post or the like. I am not actually pregnant right now and the plan is to in fact wait a while. When I say he is saving up to buy a ring, we are not fucking white trash and he's not going to Wal*Mart to get something just to get something. I did in fact major in psychology so I think I'm going to go ahead and say that I do indeedy-do realize a baby is not $99. I plan all my expenses (like car payment, phone bill, pet expenses, TUITION savings, etc). I do not think a child is going to be a cake walk through college, that's the whole reason I mentioned that in my second post. Granted, I think some of you may not have read that second post.
When I say my boyfriend would have a full-time job before we get married, that's not a pipe dream. I'm saying we won't have a baby until that happens. As far as his father is concerned, I've been asked to come live with them (which I practically do sleeping over Thursday through Sunday). I do understand how some parents would think I'm being selfish by not having to buy my own food or pay for anything, but that's not me saying "Oooh poor me I have no money, I'm acting like a 13 year old" it's his dad actually communicating to us that he wants to do that for us. He wants to help us make a family however he can. I'm not at all assuming he's okay with this, it's words from his mouth.
With my mom babysitting and the comment someone made about me not being able to talk to anyone aka my OP; the whole point is I know it sounds crazy and I know it's not the traditional order of things so people look down. I know my mom would not approve, but what I'm trying to say that if it happened anyway, if I decided to make it happen and I would let her know I'm doing that, she would still be over the moon at the birth of her first grandchild. She's not a strict old wench who I can't talk to and I'm guessing she would warm up. I know my mom and I also talk to her hypothetically about me having a baby in general. She's aware I want to do that at some point, I just haven't told her when because I'm still working out the details.
I guess the point I found most prominent out of all the expected comments of "live on your own, get married, have full time jobs, save" etc is that in my life it doesn't matter if you have all your ducks in a row. I could get married, move out and save up all the money I could muster. And then without a child our house could burn down or someone gets into a car accident, the list goes on. And then there goes the car or the house or all the savings to repair the broken things. It doesn't matter if I have a child or not, those things are life and that's always going to happen. Someone will lose a job. Multiple times through our whole lives. That's my experience. The thing is, I'm not planning on flying blind. Of course I will save money and have health insurance for a pregnancy and a delivery and the life of a child after. Of course we will want to give our child everything we can.
The school thing almost bugs me the most I think though. Because I am going to go to school no matter what. There is online classes through the university I'm applying to. There are scholarships, grants and loans. And there is my ambition and drive to get a bachelor and then a master's degree. I already have my associate's I'm not planning on giving up. And I don't think that going to school with a child is going to be a cake walk! I said that already. But I know women who have done it! And why can't I do it if they've done it? And why do I have to finish my degree on the exact scheduled time table laid out? Why can't I get my bachelor's and then maybe take five years off to get my master's? Or 1 semester? Or 3?
With the ring, the whole point is that once that's saved up for it's like pressing start on this whole thing. We start thinking about trying to conceive more seriously and of course plan for a wedding. The ring isn't just to placate me. He's told me a million times he wants to marry me. And why not get married first? Well it's something we're talking about. It seems to be almost a ridiculous thing to do, to spend all this money on one day. But on the other hand when I think about going to the court house my mind wanders back to flowers and bridesmaids. So it's something we have to discuss more but it's not at the front of everything because the ring still has to get on my finger.
Seriously thank you to all the people who shared their comments respectfully and didn't try and insult me. I really appreciate reading your thoughts on it without telling me I'm stupid or selfish for simply putting an idea out there. I say plan, but it's an idea, something we're considering, we're contemplating. And I know there are things like that to think about because I have mulled them over a thousand times in my head planning the exact right time to start doing things, using a check-list, etc. But my boyfriend's grandma has always said that "If you try to wait until you are ready, you'll never be ready." And let me reiterate, I know there is always a bad time to do things like this, I just guess I don't understand why if it was an accident there would be support instead of "you're stupid and selfish". And no, I'm not going to pretend if I have a baby that it was an "accident". That's just rude. If I am planning on trying to make a baby, I would tell the people in my life. At this current juncture it's a dream, I'm just hoping to come true sooner rather than later.
I appreciate a lot of the feed back and I am terribly sorry to the one poster who mentioned I spelled judgment wrong because I stuck an extra E in there. Really does show my level of education, jesus cristo.
ANYWAY. I think it's hard to come across as who I am over the internet to a bunch of strangers and make them understand. I wrote this post emotionally, kind of like a blog post or the like. I am not actually pregnant right now and the plan is to in fact wait a while. When I say he is saving up to buy a ring, we are not fucking white trash and he's not going to Wal*Mart to get something just to get something. I did in fact major in psychology so I think I'm going to go ahead and say that I do indeedy-do realize a baby is not $99. I plan all my expenses (like car payment, phone bill, pet expenses, TUITION savings, etc). I do not think a child is going to be a cake walk through college, that's the whole reason I mentioned that in my second post. Granted, I think some of you may not have read that second post.
When I say my boyfriend would have a full-time job before we get married, that's not a pipe dream. I'm saying we won't have a baby until that happens. As far as his father is concerned, I've been asked to come live with them (which I practically do sleeping over Thursday through Sunday). I do understand how some parents would think I'm being selfish by not having to buy my own food or pay for anything, but that's not me saying "Oooh poor me I have no money, I'm acting like a 13 year old" it's his dad actually communicating to us that he wants to do that for us. He wants to help us make a family however he can. I'm not at all assuming he's okay with this, it's words from his mouth.
With my mom babysitting and the comment someone made about me not being able to talk to anyone aka my OP; the whole point is I know it sounds crazy and I know it's not the traditional order of things so people look down. I know my mom would not approve, but what I'm trying to say that if it happened anyway, if I decided to make it happen and I would let her know I'm doing that, she would still be over the moon at the birth of her first grandchild. She's not a strict old wench who I can't talk to and I'm guessing she would warm up. I know my mom and I also talk to her hypothetically about me having a baby in general. She's aware I want to do that at some point, I just haven't told her when because I'm still working out the details.
I guess the point I found most prominent out of all the expected comments of "live on your own, get married, have full time jobs, save" etc is that in my life it doesn't matter if you have all your ducks in a row. I could get married, move out and save up all the money I could muster. And then without a child our house could burn down or someone gets into a car accident, the list goes on. And then there goes the car or the house or all the savings to repair the broken things. It doesn't matter if I have a child or not, those things are life and that's always going to happen. Someone will lose a job. Multiple times through our whole lives. That's my experience. The thing is, I'm not planning on flying blind. Of course I will save money and have health insurance for a pregnancy and a delivery and the life of a child after. Of course we will want to give our child everything we can.
The school thing almost bugs me the most I think though. Because I am going to go to school no matter what. There is online classes through the university I'm applying to. There are scholarships, grants and loans. And there is my ambition and drive to get a bachelor and then a master's degree. I already have my associate's I'm not planning on giving up. And I don't think that going to school with a child is going to be a cake walk! I said that already. But I know women who have done it! And why can't I do it if they've done it? And why do I have to finish my degree on the exact scheduled time table laid out? Why can't I get my bachelor's and then maybe take five years off to get my master's? Or 1 semester? Or 3?
With the ring, the whole point is that once that's saved up for it's like pressing start on this whole thing. We start thinking about trying to conceive more seriously and of course plan for a wedding. The ring isn't just to placate me. He's told me a million times he wants to marry me. And why not get married first? Well it's something we're talking about. It seems to be almost a ridiculous thing to do, to spend all this money on one day. But on the other hand when I think about going to the court house my mind wanders back to flowers and bridesmaids. So it's something we have to discuss more but it's not at the front of everything because the ring still has to get on my finger.
Seriously thank you to all the people who shared their comments respectfully and didn't try and insult me. I really appreciate reading your thoughts on it without telling me I'm stupid or selfish for simply putting an idea out there. I say plan, but it's an idea, something we're considering, we're contemplating. And I know there are things like that to think about because I have mulled them over a thousand times in my head planning the exact right time to start doing things, using a check-list, etc. But my boyfriend's grandma has always said that "If you try to wait until you are ready, you'll never be ready." And let me reiterate, I know there is always a bad time to do things like this, I just guess I don't understand why if it was an accident there would be support instead of "you're stupid and selfish". And no, I'm not going to pretend if I have a baby that it was an "accident". That's just rude. If I am planning on trying to make a baby, I would tell the people in my life. At this current juncture it's a dream, I'm just hoping to come true sooner rather than later.
All I can muster right now is a QFP, and I'm going to repeat myself:
"There is no perfect time to have a baby, but there sure as hell is a stupid time."
Okay, thanks for that. It was the whole reason I said what I said about waiting to be ready and not ever being ready. I could be in a shitty situation and have a baby or I could be surrounded by family who love and care about me and my boyfriend and the family we want to create.
But you know, I did notice with a lot of other threads on this board that no one really cares about being supportive and thoughtful. Just rude and angry.
Okay, thanks for that. It was the whole reason I said what I said about waiting to be ready and not ever being ready. I could be in a shitty situation and have a baby or I could be surrounded by family who love and care about me and my boyfriend and the family we want to create.
But you know, I did notice with a lot of other threads on this board that no one really cares about being supportive and thoughtful. Just rude and angry.
End quote
What's rude is you equating a Walmart engagement ring to "fucking white trash".
That statement alone speaks volumes of your priorities and maturity level.
OP I have a serious question. Didn't you say your FIL possibly has cancer? So what if he actually does have cancer? You are going to want to have a baby and bring the baby in the house with a person battling that disease? Do you know anything about cancer? Do you have any idea the terrible sickness and pain he could go through and you think having a baby there would be a-ok?
Also, if it's white trash to buy an engagement ring I don't have the words to explain saving for a ring while slumming off your ill FIL so that you can play baby dress up. That is pathetic.
Okay, thanks for that. It was the whole reason I said what I said about waiting to be ready and not ever being ready. I could be in a shitty situation and have a baby or I could be surrounded by family who love and care about me and my boyfriend and the family we want to create.
But you know, I did notice with a lot of other threads on this board that no one really cares about being supportive and thoughtful. Just rude and angry.
End quote What's rude is you equating a Walmart engagement ring to "fucking white trash". That statement alone speaks volumes of your priorities and maturity level.
This x100. That was a gross comment, OP.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Also, OP, IF your BF's dad does have cancer (hopefully he does not) and requires radiation treatment, he may not be able to be around your LO.
I was thinking this also. One of my colleagues is battling cancer and couldn't come near the baby when I brought him to the office to meet my coworkers.
OP, you need a reality check. Just because you can do something, or want to do something, doesn't mean you should do something.
Online classes aren't easy just because they're online. They require time, energy, and effort, all of which are hard to come by when you're taking care of an infant or toddler.
You can't support yourself right now. You don't have the degrees you want. Your BF doesn't even have a job. You don't have a place to live. You have no plans to support yourself other than mooching off a parent who may have cancer (!!!). You have yet to articulate a good reason why you should have a child now other than you want one. FFS, do your child and yourself a favor and wait until you can take care of yourself, much less a child.
Adopt a dog if you need light in your lives. You aren't thinking of what would be best for the potential child. Grow up, get married, get stable first.
Also, OP, IF your BF's dad does have cancer (hopefully he does not) and requires radiation treatment, he may not be able to be around your LO.
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And if he does (hopefully) survive. The chemo, medicine, radiation, etc might drain all of his disposable income and there might not be anything left to pay for your groceries.
Also, OP, IF your BF's dad does have cancer (hopefully he does not) and requires radiation treatment, he may not be able to be around your LO.
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And if he does (hopefully) survive. The chemo, medicine, radiation, etc might drain all of his disposable income and there might not be anything left to pay for your groceries.
This board is incredibly supportive to those who need support and is a reality check for those who are setting themselves up for disappointment with their own visions of puppies and rainbows.
"Oh, the silent majesty of a winter's morn, the clean, cool chill of the holiday air,
an asshole in his bathrobe, emptying a chemical toilet into my sewer."
comablack
member
Re: Can This Be Deleted?
What's your health insurance situation? Will you and your boyfriend be able to financially support your child in the event that living with family and getting free babysitting isn't an option?
In my opinion, it seems like you might need some more time to figure stuff out. You're young. And realize that it can take a healthy couple up to a year to conceive. So it might happen right away or not. Also, don't have a kid just because everyone is begging you to have one. Have one when you two are ready. If everyone is going to pay for your kid and watch him or her whenever you need then by all means go ahead. But just realize, babies grow up and the new baby stage wears off and people start living their lives again. You two will always have another human to take care of...regardless of what your family says now....things can change. Sounds like you are just being pressured by family to pop one out instead of logically thinking it through. It's no one's decision but you and your boyfriends.
30 - Waiting to TTC#2
PCOS -Fibroids -Type 1 Diabetes
You also said that your boyfriend doesn't want you to work for two years after the baby. So you will have less money for the three of you than just the two of you live on. Would you be able to afford tuition on a decreased income.
Also don't plan on your boyfriend getting a raise or getting promoted to full time. Until I see it in writing those are just pipe dreams. If you would have told me my husband would be laid off three times in three years and it would take him four years just to get a raise I wouldn't have believed you. However in many areas of the country the economy is still recovering. Makes me wonder if your goal of being a family therapist has more income potential of both of your careers.
I'm a little confused.
You said that you can't talk to anyone IRL about possibly having a baby (which was the reason for the post), yet your SO's father is "begging for a grandchild" and will let you move in with a baby? And you also know your mom will babysit? Seems like lots of people in your life know you are thinking about TTC. Just wondering about that seeming discrepancy in your OP.
Look, people have had babies in way worse situations than what you are describing, and have made it work. Even in ideal situations people struggle, but I think for the best shot possible at having a happy family, a happy baby and a happy life, it's best to get things as close to ideal as possible. I am not saying that means you have to get married, but I do think having solid employment, great coverage, and a nest egg put away is a great start.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Also, if you can't afford to live on your own, how will you afford a baby? What is your insurance like? Simply giving birth cost a shit ton of money.
There is no perfect time to have a baby, but there sure as hell is a stupid time.
Anyways, It sounds like your mind is pretty made up and you kind of have a plan but I'd encourage you to listen to the concerns the PP have brought up. I'm not saying don't have a baby because of those concerns, just have a plan in place to deal with them.
This info might help. I worked up a potential budget (financial analyst by trade, lol) and even with very good insurance, just having a baby is going to cost my husband and myself $3,000 for co-pays for delivery and dr apps(and that's in OK) We estimate the nursery will cost about $1,000 to set up (admittedly you could spend far less) and I have paid maternity leave but we estimate if I have to take 2 extra FMLA weeks it will cost us $1,500 in salary. $5500 right off the bat scares the pants off me! Sounds like you know what you're up against though.
The only part I think you haven't considered is how nice being married and settled is. I don't claim to be an expert (on marriage or babies!), but I encourage you not to rob yourself of those newlywed years! Getting to buy a house together, go on fun vacations and graduate college before baby is awesome! I've only been married for 4 years (married at 19 to a soldier so I've clearly made some seemingly irrational decisions!) but I've loved all of our time alone together. Just a thought!
Good luck to you! Hope everything works out.
So, I understand. It was a battle for me for a little while to take the more responsible road and wait. Now, I'm 24, married, a college graduate, employed full time (as well as my husband), we have better health insurance than the vast majority of people I know, and we have a house in an excellent school district that will fit our growing family nicely. We'll be trying in the summer not long after I turn 25.
For us, I'm glad we've waited. I am glad we will be able to announce our pregnancy to parents who will be thrilled, rather than disappointed. I'm glad we have rooms for nurseries and emergency funds and live in a good school district. I'm glad for my health insurance and my marriage and the time I've been able to spend with my husband and travel and go on dates etc. (4 and a half years now, likely more than 6 by the time a baby comes).
I can't say that it's the right decision for you. But for me, it was. I'm proud of how far I've come in these last 6 years. And I'm STILL waiting for the most convenient time, building up funds, and accomplishing projects
I would really, really think about the reasons why you want a child right now. I know it'll be hard to lose a parent and know that they will never see your children, but many parents would want you to prioritize your success and stability over building a family.
I know right now it seems like a long time from now, but a couple years will pass quickly.
I was actually thinking this too, but was more thinking that you could get one for like 10.00, or not get one at all.
Get a plain silver wedding band and call it a day. This is part of having your priorities straight.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Get your degree(s), BOTH of you get jobs, live on your own (yes, really on your own), save money, maybe or maybe not get a ring and a wedding and THEN consider a baby. Also, a JOP can marry you w/o the ring and the fancy party but the legal protections of marriage are not small so "waiting til you have money for a ring" but having a baby in the interrim sounds like a very stupid idea to me.
I am 23. I wanted kids when I was 20. H wasn't ready so we waited. Last April H decided he was ready so we cracked down on our baby bucket list. We have set Oct.2015 as our TTC month because we will have met our financial goals and ideally I will have 2+ years of schooling behind me before we would be due. We are okay with me finishing school while I stay home because we can afford it and he has incredible job security.
Financially before TTC we will have 6 months worth of living expenses(including baby expenses), no debt at all, an additional years worth of estimated baby expenses, our ins. deductible saved, money for a nursery and gear, and 10k for a hefty down payment on a new car. We are busting butt to get our list checked off but we feel like it was worth waiting.
There is NEVER a right time to have a baby but there are bad times to have them. Your situation sounds like a bad time.
Love: March 2010 Marriage: July 2013 Debt Free: October 2014 TTC: April 2015
Oscar born November 20, 2016 at 35w6d
LFAF Summer 2016 Awards:
DH and I are 29 and 32. We both have secure full-time jobs. We have family for child care. We have good insurance. We rent a home..... And it's STILL a struggle. A new baby is MUCH harder than it may seem even when you have all your ducks in a row.
"There is no perfect time to have a baby, but there sure as hell is a stupid time."
What's rude is you equating a Walmart engagement ring to "fucking white trash".
That statement alone speaks volumes of your priorities and maturity level.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Also, OP, IF your BF's dad does have cancer (hopefully he does not) and requires radiation treatment, he may not be able to be around your LO.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
I was thinking this also. One of my colleagues is battling cancer and couldn't come near the baby when I brought him to the office to meet my coworkers.
And the "white trash" rant was really gross.