Well this escalated. Here is the summary. You said the only way you can afford to have a baby right now is if someone else pays for your rent, utilities, and food. This tells me that you can't afford a baby right now. While it's great that your boyfriend's dad has offered to let you live with him and to pay for you and your boyfriend and any children you might have, what if in the future he can't pay for all of this? Where does that leave you? And it's not like this is some crazy unlikely scenario, you said the man might have cancer.
Honestly, you do sound selfish. You think you should have a child just because you want one, even though it is quite obvious that you and your boyfriend can't afford to raise a child right now. In the words of Mick Jagger "You can't always get what you want." I think on some level you realize that this is a bad idea, otherwise why do you care what others think? and why are you trying to justify your life plan on the internet?
My advice is that you are 23, wait a few years until you are financially ready to support a baby.
DH (32): SA is ok, slightly low morph, normal SCSA Me (32): Slightly low progesterone, hostile CM, carrier for CF, Moderately high NKC, High TNFa, heterozyogous mutated Factor XIII, and +APA
October 2012-May 2014: 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, and 1 failed FETw/donor embryos
November 2014: IVF w/ICSI #4 Agonist/Antagonist with EPP and Prednisone, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and IVIG for immune issues. Converted to freeze all due to lining issues. 2 blasts frozen on day 6!
January 2015: FET #2 Cancelled due to lining issues
Oh my lord to the long response from OP. OP, as many others have mentioned the white trash comment really shows your maturity level. It feels like communicating with a teenager. You were mostly dissappointed in the comments about school and you mention online courses and scholarships. Why not GO to school and LIVE the college experience rather than just trying to get it done while pregnant or having an infant. Wouldn't that be sooo much better? Additionally, yes, all of the unexpected things can happen with or without a baby but while you're young and figuring out how to manage a house and expenses (like i am doing too!) it would be much easier doing that WITHOUT a baby. Be young. Live your life freely and happily, planning the future and enjoying your SO. Why try to make so many short cuts for a baby when you have PLENTY of time for a baby? A baby is SUCH a responsilibty and it challenges your relationship with your SO. Have FUN first!
OP, I'm not going to tell you not to have a baby, because that's obviously been covered. But let's think about what happens if this baby is born.
So you're living with your FIL, right? Okay. So how is it going to work out for you when you get home (his home) from the hospital? Are you going to be sitting in the living room trying to figure out BFing while he watches? Will you feel obligated to hide in your room while you feed your baby? What about all of the wonders that come postpartum? You know, the bleeding, emotional breakdowns, sweating, etc. Are you okay having him witness all of that (or at least hear it through doors/walls)? What about fights with your husband? Because those will happen when you are tired and stressed.
How can he recover from cancer if your newborn is up all hours of the day? I live in a 2 story house most people would consider large, and I can guarantee you that someone could hear my kid crying or fussing across the house even with doors closed. How will FIL feel about the ever-growing amount of baby crap that will invade his home?
Now let's focus on your mother. So she offered babysitting/daycare services? Great. What happens if she's sick? What if she wants to take a vacation? What if she doesn't want to watch your kid after all? Who takes care of your kid then? Will you or your DH get fired if you miss work because you have to stay home and take care of your kid? Will you fail your classes if you miss too many?
Or, let's look at the bright side of your mom taking care of your kid. Maybe she loves it and is willing to do it. Maybe she loves it sooo much she insists on the kid staying with her all the time. After all, she has her own nursery at her house! No need for you to worry about taking care of your kid during the weekday, she'll do it! In fact, she knows better than you, so she'll take care of disciplining and raising your child. Grandma knows best. You're so young and inexperienced and she's raised kids before, right? Of course.
Nothing in life is free. You might hear people say they will give you a place to stay for free, free food, free daycare. But I guarantee you your price for all of this will be strained relationships and all kinds of strings. Are you willing to risk all of that?
I am 23 also and I had my son at 22. He was an oops. I had a full time job, so did my bf. When I found out I was pregnant I bought a house. He bought me a ring (about time we had been together 4 years). I go to school and am planning my wedding. It is so hard!!! My mom's best friend watches him for a small fee, but sometimes can't babysit. My mother was supposed to be my babysitter but decided it didn't fit her schedule.
Going to school and working full time I sometimes only get 1-2 hours of sleep a night. I took an online class and it was so hard to do homework. To many distractions.
Its hard, so think carefully. I suggest waiting till after college at least. But you need help send me a pm I will answer questions for you
Well all of this has certainly been enlightening. I think I made a huge mistake bothering with posting this because in all honesty it should've gone in a blog or a diary. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time and energy telling me things I have thought about previously like doing things in the "right" order, etc. I'm used to a much different type of message board with a different type of people and this was not the place to say what I was thinking outloud.
I really, really feel like an idiot. And not because of the comments, though I'm still going to go with most of them actually just being rude instead of insightful, but because two whole days later my boyfriend and I have not brought this up again and I was mistaken with letting my excitement and willingness to plan get ahead of me.
I'm human, I got excited and I tried to figure it all out in my head and thought I'd share and see if a single person could sympathize with me. Like I said, I'm not in the right place to do this. Now I'm back to a very different mind set, my usual linear thought process. I wanted to make the whole thing work so I threw the scenario out there and boy did I get bit.
Mostly I'm just irritated because I feel like if I could have one on one conversations in person with you all that I wouldn't come across the way I'm coming across.
To put all your minds at rest: I'm not worried about having a baby right now. I am going to wait even though it seems it'll never happen. It doesn't seem like at this point in my life that waiting is going to bring around better circumstances and I'll continue to envy my friend's with children even though they are far from ideal situations. There are a lot of influences and factors in what I was thinking at the time. And again, I was so wrong to post this.
Well all of this has certainly been enlightening. I think I made a huge mistake bothering with posting this because in all honesty it should've gone in a blog or a diary. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time and energy telling me things I have thought about previously like doing things in the "right" order, etc. I'm used to a much different type of message board with a different type of people and this was not the place to say what I was thinking outloud.
I really, really feel like an idiot. And not because of the comments, though I'm still going to go with most of them actually just being rude instead of insightful, but because two whole days later my boyfriend and I have not brought this up again and I was mistaken with letting my excitement and willingness to plan get ahead of me.
I'm human, I got excited and I tried to figure it all out in my head and thought I'd share and see if a single person could sympathize with me. Like I said, I'm not in the right place to do this. Now I'm back to a very different mind set, my usual linear thought process. I wanted to make the whole thing work so I threw the scenario out there and boy did I get bit.
Mostly I'm just irritated because I feel like if I could have one on one conversations in person with you all that I wouldn't come across the way I'm coming across.
To put all your minds at rest: I'm not worried about having a baby right now. I am going to wait even though it seems it'll never happen. It doesn't seem like at this point in my life that waiting is going to bring around better circumstances and I'll continue to envy my friend's with children even though they are far from ideal situations. There are a lot of influences and factors in what I was thinking at the time. And again, I was so wrong to post this.
Well all of this has certainly been enlightening. I think I made a huge mistake bothering with posting this because in all honesty it should've gone in a blog or a diary. I'm sorry to waste everyone's time and energy telling me things I have thought about previously like doing things in the "right" order, etc. I'm used to a much different type of message board with a different type of people and this was not the place to say what I was thinking outloud.
I really, really feel like an idiot. And not because of the comments, though I'm still going to go with most of them actually just being rude instead of insightful, but because two whole days later my boyfriend and I have not brought this up again and I was mistaken with letting my excitement and willingness to plan get ahead of me.
I'm human, I got excited and I tried to figure it all out in my head and thought I'd share and see if a single person could sympathize with me. Like I said, I'm not in the right place to do this. Now I'm back to a very different mind set, my usual linear thought process. I wanted to make the whole thing work so I threw the scenario out there and boy did I get bit.
Mostly I'm just irritated because I feel like if I could have one on one conversations in person with you all that I wouldn't come across the way I'm coming across.
To put all your minds at rest: I'm not worried about having a baby right now. I am going to wait even though it seems it'll never happen. It doesn't seem like at this point in my life that waiting is going to bring around better circumstances and I'll continue to envy my friend's with children even though they are far from ideal situations. There are a lot of influences and factors in what I was thinking at the time. And again, I was so wrong to post this.
Something about this really rubs me the wrong way.
Having a one on one conversation won't change anything. You aren't in the right place to support and care for a child. You aren't being an adult about it either. This is equal to a guy who expects a super model gf while jobless living in the basement of his moms house. I don't care what you are majoring in college where you seem to think you know better. You don't because you aren't looking at it from the same perspective. No one here will sugar coat it. They gave you a reality check and you didn't like it. No one is ever 100% ready when they get pregnant and have a baby because emotionally you have no idea how its going to be. Also you don't seem to take into consideration the effects of that specific situation could have on a child. You really need to get your shit together and you have time to do so. So instead of complaining, help yourself and plan to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby.
Guys. Did I not just say ex-nay on the ba-bay? And what I mean about a one on one is not to make people "understand me" about the idea I had but I think over the internet does not translate into real life all too well.
What I mean about rude is getting misunderstood too. There were plenty of people who said no, wait, do it this way, do this, etc. That's fine. I'm talking about people who insulted me. That's an opinion yes, but it's still rude.
And to everyone saying I should get a puppy. Uh- I have a cat. And a snake. And two other dogs so I'm good, thanks.
Guys. Did I not just say ex-nay on the ba-bay? And what I mean about a one on one is not to make people "understand me" about the idea I had but I think over the internet does not translate into real life all too well.
What I mean about rude is getting misunderstood too. There were plenty of people who said no, wait, do it this way, do this, etc. That's fine. I'm talking about people who insulted me. That's an opinion yes, but it's still rude.
And to everyone saying I should get a puppy. Uh- I have a cat. And a snake. And two other dogs so I'm good, thanks.
I'm still waiting for you to address the rude comment you made about Walmart engagement rings. Because you insulted a whole lot of people with that one.
Let me just cut to the chase. If you cannot afford insurance premiums & copays, formula (in case your baby can't latch or otherwise breastfeed), diapers, rent for your OWN place, utilities, food, transportation expenses (including insurance and gas if you have a car), clothing, strollers, car seats, cell phones, student loan payments/tuition, etc. ALL AT THE SAME TIME, then you are not financially prepared to have a baby.
Relying on a relative to house your baby is not responsible. If something happens to that relative or your relationship with that person changes, you're screwed.
I understand having baby fever, but you need to think about a future child's NEEDS more than your WANTS, and it's unfair to bring a baby into a financially disastrous situation.
Guys. Did I not just say ex-nay on the ba-bay? And what I mean about a one on one is not to make people "understand me" about the idea I had but I think over the internet does not translate into real life all too well.
What I mean about rude is getting misunderstood too. There were plenty of people who said no, wait, do it this way, do this, etc. That's fine. I'm talking about people who insulted me. That's an opinion yes, but it's still rude.
And to everyone saying I should get a puppy. Uh- I have a cat. And a snake. And two other dogs so I'm good, thanks.
No one said you had to get married, live in a 4 bedroom, 2/5 bathroom 2 story in the burbs, get a volvo, and start couponing. The point is you are not self sufficient and you thought it would be so oh precious to pretend to get pregnant on accident and have other people take care of you and your baby. I am very relieved you are not going forward with this plan but sad that you don't see why it was so terrible.
Holy shit again, thank you. Jesus fucking christ I am listening to you and have had the same damn fucking thoughts about this whole damn thing way ahead of everything last year. Can I ask for a cease and desist on this thread because I am so done going over trying to defend myself over an an emotional post I made with a scheme for things to work out!
I am always the one to talk my boyfriend down about stuff and to talk about school and marriage and moving out. I'm done. I'm so done with this stupid post I made on this stupid website because I was too exited for 48 hours and should've realized the stupidity on posting on this fucking message board hoping for someone to understand my point on things at the time, to sympathize and go, "No sweetheart. I understand but right now you've got to deal with some other stuff and try and work on self sustaining your own life." Instead I get people telling me that I need to grow-up, I'm selfish, I'm stupid etc.Whatever, I'm fucking over it because fuck myself for posting an inner thoughts on the internet.
Call me a teenager, a child. Selfish, stupid, idiot, doesn't think things through. Just whatever to get you through the night. But I'm done with this post. I made a mistake posting in the first place.
Holy shit again, thank you. Jesus fucking christ I am listening to you and have had the same damn fucking thoughts about this whole damn thing way ahead of everything last year. Can I ask for a cease and desist on this thread because I am so done going over trying to defend myself over an an emotional post I made with a scheme for things to work out!
I am always the one to talk my boyfriend down about stuff and to talk about school and marriage and moving out. I'm done. I'm so done with this stupid post I made on this stupid website because I was too exited for 48 hours and should've realized the stupidity on posting on this fucking message board hoping for someone to understand my point on things at the time, to sympathize and go, "No sweetheart. I understand but right now you've got to deal with some other stuff and try and work on self sustaining your own life." Instead I get people telling me that I need to grow-up, I'm selfish, I'm stupid etc.Whatever, I'm fucking over it because fuck myself for posting an inner thoughts on the internet.
Call me a teenager, a child. Selfish, stupid, idiot, doesn't think things through. Just whatever to get you through the night. But I'm done with this post. I made a mistake posting in the first place.
We don't talk like that. Unless you wanted me to talk down to you. Then I'll call you sweetheart.
I believe it was The Rolling Stones who wisely once said: "You can't always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need."
I love how in an earlier post OP is all "we aren't white trash... I am so above a walmart ring" and then pulls out swearing like a drunken sailor.
With that mouth and other things throughout your posts, I can tell you have a lot of growing up to do. Finances is near the bottom of many reasons you should not be considering having a child right now. I'm glad you've decided to keep the baby shop closed at this time. The reason that the traditional college-marriage-house-baby scheme is trumped up is because it's typically the easiest way to have a happy family.
You keep saying your boyfriend is the one trying to talk you into all of this. Your boyfriend is obviously immature and fine with not being able to provide for his family. That would be a huge red flag to me. A real man wants to provide for his wife and child, not live in his daddy's basement and use his mother in law for free childcare. Yeah, there are worse situations out there but why would you not want the best situation for your kids? That is not meant to be answered by the way, I don't feel like getting the f-bomb shoved down my throat this morning.
It's good to get some perspective before you add a new life to the world. Having a baby is hardly a linear event.
Sounds like you have some growing and maturing to do and your boyfriend needs to get his act together. Your adult lives should not "need" to be so dependent and enmeshed with either of your parents.
Am I the only one who saw the new "can this be deleted?" subject line, laughed evilly to myself, and thought, "Ha ha! You were QFPed! This post will live *forever*!!!!!!"
No? Just me? Oh well.
@comablack nope, it can't be deleted. And everything you said was quoted, so there is no sense in deleting anything you wrote. Feel free to just click that red X in the upper right hand corner of your screen, though.
Re: Can This Be Deleted?
Well this escalated. Here is the summary. You said the only way you can afford to have a baby right now is if someone else pays for your rent, utilities, and food. This tells me that you can't afford a baby right now. While it's great that your boyfriend's dad has offered to let you live with him and to pay for you and your boyfriend and any children you might have, what if in the future he can't pay for all of this? Where does that leave you? And it's not like this is some crazy unlikely scenario, you said the man might have cancer.
Honestly, you do sound selfish. You think you should have a child just because you want one, even though it is quite obvious that you and your boyfriend can't afford to raise a child right now. In the words of Mick Jagger "You can't always get what you want." I think on some level you realize that this is a bad idea, otherwise why do you care what others think? and why are you trying to justify your life plan on the internet?
My advice is that you are 23, wait a few years until you are financially ready to support a baby.
TTC #1 since August 2011
My Blog
September 2012: Start IF testing
DH (32): SA is ok, slightly low morph, normal SCSA Me (32): Slightly low progesterone, hostile CM, carrier for CF, Moderately high NKC, High TNFa, heterozyogous mutated Factor XIII, and +APA
October 2012-May 2014: 4 failed IUIs, 3 failed IVFs, and 1 failed FETw/donor embryos
November 2014: IVF w/ICSI #4 Agonist/Antagonist with EPP and Prednisone, Baby Aspirin, Lovenox, and IVIG for immune issues. Converted to freeze all due to lining issues. 2 blasts frozen on day 6!
January 2015: FET #2 Cancelled due to lining issues
April 2015: FET #2.1
PAIF/SAIF Welcome!
LO then (2 days) and now (1 year)
Going to school and working full time I sometimes only get 1-2 hours of sleep a night. I took an online class and it was so hard to do homework. To many distractions.
Its hard, so think carefully. I suggest waiting till after college at least. But you need help send me a pm I will answer questions for you
DH - 27
TTC #1 since July 2014
This is equal to a guy who expects a super model gf while jobless living in the basement of his moms house.
I don't care what you are majoring in college where you seem to think you know better. You don't because you aren't looking at it from the same perspective. No one here will sugar coat it. They gave you a reality check and you didn't like it. No one is ever 100% ready when they get pregnant and have a baby because emotionally you have no idea how its going to be.
Also you don't seem to take into consideration the effects of that specific situation could have on a child.
You really need to get your shit together and you have time to do so. So instead of complaining, help yourself and plan to ensure a healthy pregnancy and baby.
30 - Waiting to TTC#2
PCOS -Fibroids -Type 1 Diabetes
I'm still waiting for you to address the rude comment you made about Walmart engagement rings. Because you insulted a whole lot of people with that one.
Relying on a relative to house your baby is not responsible. If something happens to that relative or your relationship with that person changes, you're screwed.
I understand having baby fever, but you need to think about a future child's NEEDS more than your WANTS, and it's unfair to bring a baby into a financially disastrous situation.
I believe it was The Rolling Stones who wisely once said: "You can't always get what you want.
But if you try sometimes, well you might find, you get what you need."
Sounds like you have some growing and maturing to do and your boyfriend needs to get his act together. Your adult lives should not "need" to be so dependent and enmeshed with either of your parents.
*BTW Wal-Mart is da bomb and they are starting 'Pre Black Friday' on Nov 1st and I'm super pumped!