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littlestjerry
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Loss talk
littlestjerry
member
in Parenting
I hope this thread is ok.
I'm having so much trouble two months out. First of all, my fucking cycles? I'm on CD 42 right now. Negative tests. No period in sight. If I ever get my period, it will be my second period post loss. I got my hopes up that I was pregnant and took a test this morning and now I'm having an awful day-cried the whole way to work. When will my cycles go back to normal?
Then, of course, I'm just not ok emotionally. Sometimes I'm so sad that it physically hurts. Nothing DH says makes me feel better, which isn't his fault. I know he's frustrated that he can't help me. But he can't. I don't think anyone can.
Anyway, I'm just rambling I guess.
I'm having so much trouble two months out. First of all, my fucking cycles? I'm on CD 42 right now. Negative tests. No period in sight. If I ever get my period, it will be my second period post loss. I got my hopes up that I was pregnant and took a test this morning and now I'm having an awful day-cried the whole way to work. When will my cycles go back to normal?
Then, of course, I'm just not ok emotionally. Sometimes I'm so sad that it physically hurts. Nothing DH says makes me feel better, which isn't his fault. I know he's frustrated that he can't help me. But he can't. I don't think anyone can.
Anyway, I'm just rambling I guess.
DS is 1DAF
"I realize I say the word fuck a lot, and I'd like to apologize but I don't give a shit." -Lewis Black
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Re: Loss talk
Hi-- I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. The long cycles aren't helping either I am sure.
Husbands can't help- they didn't physically experience the loss, so it's all abstract to them. Time will help a little bit, but it's always going to be a little sad. Hang in there, you aren't alone.
BFP 1- EDD 2/09/11 Missed MC DX @11 weeks D&C- 7/25/10 BFP 2- EDD 12/22/11 Natural MC @ 5w 2d BFP 3- EDD 1/25/12 DD Josephine born 1/16/12
Here's a dumb question. If I do temp and I get the rise and everything does that definitely mean I ovulated?
So many hugs LJ and Sterling.
Big hugs to you. I don't remember what my cycles did after the loss (felt like I bled forever and don't remember when it finally got normal). But I do remember that my hormones were so out of whack that I was losing hair like crazy, had horrible acne and emotionally was a mess. I think all of that combined was too much for me and I went back on the pill to try to even things out again. It was probably meant to be a short term approach but I'm chicken sh*t and haven't gone back off yet. (two years later)
I'm not sure what advice I have other than what you're going through is normal, but I agree that it might be worth talking to someone. I wish that I had.
*Siggy Warning*
About me 2007: Started TTC. 2008: OB prescribed clomid, went to RE and was Dx with PCOS. 2009: IUI #1 w/follitsim and trigger = BFP. B/G Twins born at 33 weeks. 2012: TTC #3, Round 2 of Letrozole w/TI = BFP, missed m/c at 8 1/2 wks. Currently on the bench as we make plans for a new home. Anxious to start TTC #3 within the next year!
So many hugs to you, LJ and Sterling. I hate that you guys are hurting and wish I could fix it.
LJ, I didn't find OPKs to be too much work. It's really just peeing on a stick once a day until you get a positive, during the days most likely to be positive. I found them more reassuring than temping alone (I did both), because with temping, you don't know you ovulated until after it happens. I guess it would be more work with screwy cycles because you'd have to POAS more days, but hopefully your cycles will get back to normal soon (mine did after a few months).
And also, more hugs.
I really hope your period comes soon. My first one after my loss took a while to show up (I can't remember how long now). It's so hard when all you want to do is try to move on and your body isn't cooperating.
I'm sorry you're still having a tough time emotionally with everything. I really felt like no one understood how much it hurt. It seemed like no one wanted to talk about it either which was hard.
I find temping wayyyyy easier and convenient (and accurate, for me), than OPKs.
From the emotional side, I agree with PPs that it takes time, and the wounds never completely heal, but things become more bearable. Talking with friends was somewhat helpful, but mostly it took time.
One thing we did that actually felt nice was that we went to build a bear and made a bear and we thought about the baby and kissed the little heart they put inside it (well, DH and I did, DS was frightened, naturally). It's nice to have something tangible to remember the baby. It mostly just sits in the playroom, but sometimes I give it a squeeze and it makes me feel a little better.
I hardly ever talk about my losses. I'm afraid that if I start I won't stop and I'll end up being some crazy chick who only talks about losses and IF on a parenting board. I know it's silly. You ladies are supportive of everyone in every situation except for assholes of course. I'm just afraid of word vomiting. I don't ever want to hurt anyone because I'm in pain.
Sometimes it's a flurry of emotion. Mostly anger. I want my babies. I wanted them so much. It's not fair that they were there one minute and gone the next. I never got to snuggle, comfort them, or tell them just how much I love them. I really love them. I don't think the pain ever stops. It just dulls down. You learn to handle it better. I'm okay with that. Al least I am for myself. Each little twinge in my heart reminds me that they were they. They are loved. They are special They are remembered
@TLex That's not stupid at all. Not in the least bit. Each loss is significant. The circumstances don't matter. It's real and important to you. That's enough. You don't have to feel guilty for being sad. You are entitled to your feelings.
I'm 6 months out now, and it's still really hard, especially as we get closer to the EDD. Our really good friends just had their baby, and we saw him for the first time this weekend. It was awesome to meet the little guy, but it just made it so real. We could have had a little baby in our arms too. It was the hardest to watch my husband hold him than to even hold him myself, I don't know why. I just feel bad that I couldn't make him a dad. I know it's not my fault, but I can't help these thoughts/feelings.
It's so nice to be able to talk to people who understand, so thank you everyone for sharing your stories. I don't talk about the baby much IRL because most people just give me that sad pity look or don't know what to say.
Formerly Aaren91011
I lost my pregnancy in February of 2013. I found out I was pregnant on New Years Day. Due date was September 11, 2013. I was nearly 12 weeks. It was my second pregnancy. DD1 was 1 yr 9 months.
It all began with some spotting. I had some with my first pregnancy too, but earlier on though.I had an ultrasound then and it was fine. The rest of my pregnancy was fairly easy.
But this time it happened in my 10th week. I waited in the ER by myself while DH stayed home with DD1.They did an ultrasound and baby's little heart was beating. I went home so relieved. I was elated. That was Sunday.
The next Saturday I woke up in the middle of the night with substantial bleeding. I felt like this can't be okay, but I didn't let go of hope. I woke up DH and he kind of questioned whether the hospital would do anything. I didn't care. Had to go. So me, DH and my little 1 year 9 month old DD1 set off in a snow storm in the middle of the night. DD1 had to come, my parents were in Jamiaca. My sister didn't answer my calls. We got there. They brought me in. Did a urine test. They did an ultrasound with the little portable machine. The doctor said he didn't think he saw anything but I will have to stay and have a full ultrasound in the morning, to be sure. I still didn't give up hope. They set us up in a little room with one hospital bed. I snuggled up to DD1 who was asleep. I tried to sleep, but that was impossible.
The next morning the ultrasound tech came and got me. He was a younger guy. I remember walking down the hall and him staying so upbeat. Talking about the weather and spring approaching. As he did the ultrasound he kept up the small talk. I had to do an internal ultrasound too. I asked questions but he kept telling me the doctor would have answers. I held it together. Got dressed. Went back to my little family waiting for me. Then the doctor came. Told me I had lost the pregnancy. I was having a natural miscarriage and I could go home. That was it.
I cried. DH cried. My sister and my Grandma showed up. We all cried. Then I went home and cried. I felt almost numb. DH really tried to hold it all together for me. I could tell though. He was afraid. I didn't go back to work for a week.
We also went to build a bear. I made a white dog covered in red hearts. I put a little pulsing heartbeat inside it.
The absolute worst was going to pick up my parents a week later at the airport. My mom had been emailing us but I had never responded. The first thing my step dad did was pat my belly and say "getting bigger!". I just shook my head and tears filled my eyes. My mom looked at me inquisitively. I just said no and shook my head again. My mom started to cry and hugged me. I did too. Then I felt embarrassed in the airport. Like all these people were watching us. Probably thinking we were some happy reunion of family members that have been apart for months. I drove them home and when my mom went to the bathroom DD followed. I happened to walk by and heard my mom say to DD in a shaky voice"I wanted you to have a sister".
I often think back and feel like I wish I had some more closure. I had to experience most of my miscarriage at home, while I was in such a lost place mentally and emotionally. I don't even know where my first ultrasound picture went. I hid it away somewhere. Couldn't bear to see it.
I ended up pregnant with DD2 a few months later. I spent the majority of my pregnancy feeling like I was walking on eggshells. I ordered a doppler and listened in at least once a day. I didn't feel relief until she was in my arms.
Me too. We're hoping to do IVF in the spring. I'm so excited but I'm also dreading everything about it. I've never been so scared of anything in my entire life.
It's so true about loss/IF affecting subsequent pregnancies. When I got pg with my loss pregnancy, we couldn't believe it. We'd gone through four years of IF, four failed IVFs and many IUIs, and had been told that my eggs were crap, medical intervention had little chance of working, and we needed to concentrate on donor eggs or adoption. We'd cried and grieved like crazy, accepted it, and were concentrating on adoption. And then we got pregnant on our own, which was just nuts. I was nervous, but I had strong betas, and really I just knew that there was no way life or the universe or god or whatever would let me get pregnant out of the blue like that after trying for four years and stopping medical intervention and accepting I'd never have a bio child; and then take it all away. Right. Yeah. Stupid me.
Unbelievably, I actually got pregnant again with DD 3 months after our loss, and my reaction was basically, "So I guess this shit is happening again," because I just couldn't completely believe it would work. I would have loved a more carefree and relaxed pregnancy, but I just couldn't let my brain go there. I was a nervous wreck pretty much until I could feel movement, and somewhat even thereafter.
Sorry to word vomit my story out there. It was a while ago, but these posts are just kind of bringing it all back (in a good way; I think this post is a good thing).
Huge hugs to all of you.
I think we should have these posts every now and again. Feelings around loss are always changing and it can be therapeutic to get it all out there sometimes.
*Siggy Warning*
About me 2007: Started TTC. 2008: OB prescribed clomid, went to RE and was Dx with PCOS. 2009: IUI #1 w/follitsim and trigger = BFP. B/G Twins born at 33 weeks. 2012: TTC #3, Round 2 of Letrozole w/TI = BFP, missed m/c at 8 1/2 wks. Currently on the bench as we make plans for a new home. Anxious to start TTC #3 within the next year!
WTH. I carried that baby 3 months. There may not have been a burial or funeral. We may have never actually seen it. But it was my baby.
stra0111 The thing is that my mom lost a baby - she got sick at 7 months pregnant, went into labor and he passed shortly after birth. I don't think she let herself feel the feelings when that happened. When I had the twins and they were premature I think she realized that had that baby been born with today's medical advances he might have survived and I think it brought up a lot of emotions she'd repressed. But I guess that's why I thought she might have been more understanding, even though it was an earlier loss it's still a loss.
Also, while the majority of the emotions are because of the loss there's still that whole issue of not being able to control what your body does - and that really stinks. Hating your body isn't fun.
*Siggy Warning*
About me 2007: Started TTC. 2008: OB prescribed clomid, went to RE and was Dx with PCOS. 2009: IUI #1 w/follitsim and trigger = BFP. B/G Twins born at 33 weeks. 2012: TTC #3, Round 2 of Letrozole w/TI = BFP, missed m/c at 8 1/2 wks. Currently on the bench as we make plans for a new home. Anxious to start TTC #3 within the next year!
I have a list of things that pregnant women can't do/have. Every time I get sad I try to do something on that list. It's small and silly but it helps me feel a little better. I'm having sake bombs and sushi with my IF support group tonight. There was also more than a fingernail of feta in my salad this afternoon. Suck it pregnant bitches!
I didn't realize how much I needed support from someone other than DH until I actually got it it. being around other women makes feel less...broken
@vandelay Thank you so much for sharing your story. Reading it this morning helped me more than I can tell you.
That baby shower story is a thousand kinds of fucked up, @guiltypleasures. Jesus, what an awful "friend."
I'm so glad you have an IF support group. I had a group of IF friends too, and it helped me so much to be around women who really got it. They will be invaluable to you if you do IVF in the spring like you mentioned (it helps to have an informed friend during that process). I will be rooting for you like a crazy person, and also would be happy to connect with you about any part of the process; just send me a PM.
I love my ladies. We're having our own holiday dinner around Christmas. It'll be nice to celebrate with other couples and not have to deal with the awkwardness. They're a great group. I borrow a lot of strength from them