Boyfriend living in a separate house when baby comes??

designchica

This is a weird scenario, but here it is in a nutshell:

-Baby daddy has broken up with me six times since I got pregnant. 

-We are now engaged and sorting through a prenup and having difficulty coming to an agreement. 

-He was supposed to have the prenup to me on Thursday, when I had an appointment with my lawyer schedule but I didnt get it until Friday and now I have to wait until next Friday to meet with my lawyer (no appointments available sooner).

Our wedding is September 19th and he is supposed to be moving in with me this coming Friday, the day I have the appointment scheduled with my lawyer.  He is now saying he doesn't want to move in until I can give him a guarantee that I am going to agree to the prenup and say that we will be able to stay together.  I cannot provide him with any guarantees because I havent even talked with a lawyer yet. 

So he wants to go sign a one year lease some place so that he is not inconvenienced if he moves in with me and then has to move out again shortly after if we do not come to an agreement about the prenup (his house is already rented out and he is obligated to move).  

Here is where I need some feedback.  In my mind, if he runs out and signs a one year lease, the relationship is over in my mind.  If he isnt here helping with the baby in the middle of the night and he is off living some place else, I don't see that as a relationship.  

He keeps asking me to give him some reassurance/guarantee that I'm going to agree to the prenup or else he might go sign a one year lease somewhere, precluding him from moving in with me for at least one year.     I don't want to lie to him and offer him assurance that wouldnt' be genuine.  I am trying to be honest and say that I really need to think it through and talk with a lawyer first, which I would have done had his lawyer had the prenup to me in time for my scheduled appointment with the lawyer. 

So, am I crazy to think that it would be totally ridiculous to still be in a relationship with him while we have a baby but live in separate houses? What would you do??  Would you keep dating him if he rented an apartment/house for one year while you had a baby?  Would you marry him if he lived in another house?   

OH, and moving in with him is not an option. 

feeshah

ummm…. Getting married to the person you love and want to spend the rest of your life with shouldn't be THIS difficult. Married people usually live together...

amedbery

This seems like more of a business arrangement than a marriage between two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together. If he has broken it off 6 times in the last five months, he is jerking you around and the stress isn't good for you. It sounds to me that you know it isn't working. I wouldn't marry someone I'm not 100% sure of just for the baby's sake.

mrsrroberson

Sounds like a bunch of excuses to not follow through. Bottom line should be: Are you all in or not? The sooner you come to a desicion the sooner you can move forward.

ColeyCannoli

Okay, I'm just gonna be blunt about it because I have insomnia and my filter is gone: You can do better than this guy. Seriously. Even if he moved in with you today, he does not sound like someone you should invest your life in. This much red tape and lawyers should only be involved when you are going through a divorce, not a marriage. I know it's hard, especially while pregnant, but you and your LO deserve more of a loving commitment than this. Drop him while you can and before it will cost you a lot of money and even more stress to do so.

gimmeyronionrings

ColeyCannoli said:

Okay, I'm just gonna be blunt about it because I have insomnia and my filter is gone: You can do better than this guy. Seriously. Even if he moved in with you today, he does not sound like someone you should invest your life in. This much red tape and lawyers should only be involved when you are going through a divorce, not a marriage. I know it's hard, especially while pregnant, but you and your LO deserve more of a loving commitment than this. Drop him while you can and before it will cost you a lot of money and even more stress to do so.

All. Of. This.

BayCamp

designchica said:

This is a weird scenario, but here it is in a nutshell:

-Baby daddy has broken up with me six times since I got pregnant. 

-We are now engaged and sorting through a prenup and having difficulty coming to an agreement. 

-He was supposed to have the prenup to me on Thursday, when I had an appointment with my lawyer schedule but I didnt get it until Friday and now I have to wait until next Friday to meet with my lawyer (no appointments available sooner).

Our wedding is September 19th and he is supposed to be moving in with me this coming Friday, the day I have the appointment scheduled with my lawyer.  He is now saying he doesn't want to move in until I can give him a guarantee that I am going to agree to the prenup and say that we will be able to stay together.  I cannot provide him with any guarantees because I havent even talked with a lawyer yet. 

So he wants to go sign a one year lease some place so that he is not inconvenienced if he moves in with me and then has to move out again shortly after if we do not come to an agreement about the prenup (his house is already rented out and he is obligated to move).  

Here is where I need some feedback.  In my mind, if he runs out and signs a one year lease, the relationship is over in my mind.  If he isnt here helping with the baby in the middle of the night and he is off living some place else, I don't see that as a relationship.  

He keeps asking me to give him some reassurance/guarantee that I'm going to agree to the prenup or else he might go sign a one year lease somewhere, precluding him from moving in with me for at least one year.     I don't want to lie to him and offer him assurance that wouldnt' be genuine.  I am trying to be honest and say that I really need to think it through and talk with a lawyer first, which I would have done had his lawyer had the prenup to me in time for my scheduled appointment with the lawyer. 

So, am I crazy to think that it would be totally ridiculous to still be in a relationship with him while we have a baby but live in separate houses? What would you do??  Would you keep dating him if he rented an apartment/house for one year while you had a baby?  Would you marry him if he lived in another house?   

OH, and moving in with him is not an option. 

Getting married so soon after repeated break ups seems like a terrible idea. If just moving in together is this big of an ordeal I would hold off on marriage.

JaymeeLH

Based on everything you've posted about this guy the last few months, I'm going with this guy seems like a douche bag. You can do so much better than him, and as PPs said, getting married should not be about lawyers and red tape. I would say tell him to sign a lease and move on with your own life, work out how to co-parent (probably lots of counseling) and bury the dead romantic relationship. I think you'll be happier in the long run than married to someone who dumps you more than monthly while you're pregnant with his child.

CandEChicago

1 - You already said above that if he signs the lease your relationship is over in your mind.

2 - With all this breaking up/getting back together again, planning a wedding, talking to attorneys, etc. Have you guys taken the step back to plan your marriage? Are you seeking counseling? (Pretty sure we recommended that before and due insomnia I can't recall if you are doing it).

3 - Prenup seriously? Other than the house you mentioned what other significant assets or interests are there? (You don't have to answer to us...just something to consider when you go meet with your attorneys).

Let's be real the dude is probably not in the 1% and even then they have asset protection established (trusts, etc) so they are protected for everday life and then they aren't relaying solely on a prenup. Don't be surprised if there is a paternity clause requiring a paternity test within the document. (Granted there could be benefits to us in the remaining 99% but there are better things out there than simply a prenup.)

4 - FFS this guy has his own house and did not **think** to move in his fiancé and child?! Unless he is able to rent it for a ridiculous amount more and turn a nice net profit this doesn't make immediate sense to me.

Plus with all the break ups it seems more logical for him to stay in his house and move you in so that he is not "homeless" if something happens. Without knowing all the details he has manufactured a difficult situation that forces your hand and could very well be a no win situation. (Because clearly if he moved you in, called off the wedding, broke up with you, and required you to move out he could be seen as an ass..Instead he is making it so that if something should happen it isn't "his fault" in his mind and he can simply blame you.)

ETA - edited for clarity. Insomnia and mobile bumping are not the best mix.

Cadg0986

You need to just get out. I know you want your baby to grow up with both parents in the home, but honestly this is not a healthy environment for a baby to be raised. Think about this....if you're having a boy do you want him to treat a girl like your boyfriend is treating you? If you're having a girl would you want her to be treated how you're being treated? I hope the answer to both of those is a hard no. Get out while it's easier to get out. Doesn't mean he can't/won't be part of the baby's life, but it does mean you'll be a much happier person in the end.

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MaineMama

Are you both secret millionaires? Even if you have an amazing prenup, divorces are expensive and super stressful. Don't marry this moron.

littleissa86

The biggest red flag to me in all of this is that he wants a backup house "just in case." To me, that immediately sounds like he needs an excuse to have this second place of his own because he knows somewhere in the back of his mind/heart that he isn't committed to this relationship and he'll need somewhere to go if/when he decides to leave. Again.

You have to remember that you are now responsible for the life inside you, not just your own. Do you want this child growing up in a relationship like that? I guess I look at it this way: would I want my daughter seeing daddy treat mommy like that and thinking that's what love is supposed to look like, possibly influencing her to one day be in the same shady, unstable relationship? Or teaching my son that it's okay to act like that towards a woman he "loves"?

I get that you love him, and I don't want to downplay that. But love and marriage takes SOOOO much more than just those feelings, including a mutual respect for one another. And after reading all your posts about him, I really get the feeling that the true, genuine respect he should have for the woman he loves, the mother of his child whom he wants to spend the rest of his life with just isn't there...

CandEChicago

amedbery said:

This seems like more of a business arrangement than a marriage between two people who want to spend the rest of their lives together. If he has broken it off 6 times in the last five months, he is jerking you around and the stress isn't good for you. It sounds to me that you know it isn't working. I wouldn't marry someone I'm not 100% sure of just for the baby's sake.

I think many business arrangements require less work.

LSauer21

I agree with others this seems like more of a controlling business deal

Is he worth millions? Why do you need a prenup in the 1st place?

What's in the prenup that he can't wait another 5 days to sign a lease? Seems extremely shady to me.

amedbery

NandaB said:

He is trying to pressure you into agreeing to the prenup w/out talking to your lawyer. THAT IS SUPER SHADY

FYI this can also mean that the prenup will not stand up if you do marry him and then divorce. Remember that from a law school exam! If he was a good guy and it was a fair deal, he shouldn't have any problem letting you consider it.

harrow160

I'm writing on my wife's account so this is a prospective coming from a guy.
For me the most important thing would be my baby on the way. I would be kissing your ass and making sure you're happy and stress free so my baby would have a healthy pregnancy. The least of my worries would be money or a prenup. To me a prenup is just a escape plan. Dump the douche and hit him hard for child support.
Sorry if I seemed harsh.
Now I must go make breakfast for my beautiful wife that has been placed on bed rest with our twins.
God Bless and a healthy pregnancy for you!!

Shortstack06

Not saying this is your scenario, but this is my current family drama. My cousin's husband left her a year ago admitted there was another woman, they went to counseling and got back together for 9 months. He dropped the bomb shell last week, yet again he is leaving her for yet again another woman but this time her best friend. He served her with divorce papers a few days later. I got her in with a lawyer but the appointment is a few weeks off. He is pressuring her to sign, but in the papers custody is 50/50. She doesn't want that, but she has been trying to please him for 11 years. He is trying to get out of paying child support and spousal support with a "no fault divorce". A lot of loopholes and benefits in those papers for him that leave her with nothing. Their boys are 6 & 3. The whole thing is devastating to the 6 year old on top of seeing his mother a wreck. He actually told me, His heart hurts because his mommy is so upset and Daddy hurt her heart. Unfortunately she would want to make things easier on her boys and would stay married to him for them. It isn't healthy for her or the boys for the constant abandonment and conflict. She isn't signing anything without speaking to her lawyer and he is pissed. Let him be pissed because her and her children need to come first over his selfish needs and wants.

hellopartyof5

Have you guys ever lived together??? Don't marry someone without living with them first. I know many people that have made that mistake. The rest of it everyone has already covered.

RayRay007

You lost me at broke up with me 6 times since I got pg. You should not be marrying this guy.

BrideLinds

Getting married to someone should be an easy decision. You are way too conflicted. Try coparenting and living apart before you take the plunge. He certainly doesn't seem ready and you deserve someone that will be in it 100%. So does your baby.

I wish you the best. You can be a great Mommy without the baby's father at home.

ghostof5letters

ghostof5letters

In all seriousness, outside of the fact that you're having his baby. What about this guy makes YOU want to marry HIM? Why have you taken him back 6 times in the past 5 months? Why haven't you cancelled or postponed this wedding?

He sounds awful. 

You know the answer, you just don't want to accept it. 

leoandethansmom

If I remember correctly a few weeks ago you posted a thread asking if he should be allowed to be your birth partner because you were so afraid of him abandoning you on the day that you weren't sure if you should allow it or seek someone else. Now you're planning to marry him in a month? I'm not sure how long you have been with him in an actual relationship but shotgun wedding just doesn't seem logical after 5 months of 6 breakups.

Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm guessing you're asking for advice from strangers on an internet forum because you've divulged too many details to your friends and family and they no longer support these decisions you're making for your relationship. I've been there. I was with an extremely toxic man before and I was to the point where I couldn't even speak to my family or friends about him anymore because they all knew what he had done to me and didn't respect me for staying with him.

Marriage is about love, not convenience or what you think society needs to see. It's ok to not marry the father of your child, it's also ok to not even be in a relationship with him. What matters most is that your baby is loved, whether mom and dad are together or not. Don't rush a marriage for the sake of marriage, it's not smart and will only hurt you and LO in the long run and douchebag won't be around to pick up the pieces. If nothing else, think about this before you do something you will regret for the rest of your life.

 

ETA: bad grammar annoys me

Cconway7

This whole scenario is very confusing. Sounds like it would be a better situation for your child not be involved with...

rshamos

I agree with what everyone has said. Please don't be afraid of being a single mom. It is hard, yes, but it is much more difficult having a horrible relationship that adds to your stress. You need to be able to focus on your baby, not worry about if your husband is going to leave you again. Also, why does he need a second house? The only reason I can think of is that he wants a place that he can go to when he wants to pretend to be single, ie, take other women to. Don't be fooled by him.

mamacomeau876

You don't have to get married. Breaking up six times in less than a year... I would not be getting married prenup or not! Raise the baby as boyfriend and girlfriend and see how it goes. You will enjoy your wedding much more of you are head over heals in love and know that he is your forever.

path75

I would work on your relationship before getting married. You should not be forced to live together if you can't depend on him. I would tell him go ahead sign the lease and we can live separately. Once he has proven he wants to be in his child's life you can work on living together. Marriage will come when you are both ready for it. Things change when you sign that marriage certificate and it is much more difficult to get out of the situation. You don't have to marry someone or live with him to have a child. Do what is best for your sanity and the child's upbringing. Good luck on your decision.  

ghostof5letters

Things change when you sign that certificate, but the relationship won't.

JRod13

I have nothing new to add, just want to urge you to follow the advice of pp- don't rush into anything with this guy.

soulcupcake

He's just not that into you. His actions communicate that very clearly. Be done with him.

AlleyMM

Words if wisdom from a very happily married woman. I've been with my husband for 12 years and I love him dearly BUT relationships get much tougher and a hell of a lot more work after the honeymoon and so if you are having these big issues now in the loving dating and what should be your blissful stage of the relationship I would think hard and long about marriage to this man. Saying I DO is not a magical potion and throwing a baby into the mix will make it even harder. Really think about it and out your child first and you second.

ssebens

From my perspective.... When my husband proposed and I accepted we had a two year engagement. I told him that if he ever had any doubts or fears to let me know in that period because once we were married I planned to stay that way. Now I get that you can't predict the future and there is no way to guarantee that we will always be happy. But I would never go into a marriage with half of my brain thinking this relationship was already over. You said yourself that if he moves into the house you consider the relationship over, you don't consider it secure. Marriage isn't going to help these things. Please reconsider your wedding next month. Concentrate on your pregnancy and baby. See what he is like when you have even more responsibilities together as parents. If everything works out somehow, that's great! But if it doesn't then you won't have tied yourself to this guy. Good luck!!

leoandethansmom

@MJLovey I'm pretty sure it's not MUD because she's posted about her relationship several times over the past few months, all of which are consistent with this bizzare shotgun wedding idea.

Annya26

I'm sorry that you are dealing with this and I'm sure it is all incredibly stressful and probably very scary.

I have to agree with the rest. I think the relationship and marriage are a bad idea that will cause you more heart ache in future.

I think this relationship will give your child a poor model on what love should look like.

I'm not sure what your reasons are for wanting to stay, but I'm willing to bet that if you stepped away, worked through the pain of the break up and let the smoke clear you would be far happier in the long term. Unfortunately I know this is very hard to see from where you are standing.

As someone else said, don't be afraid to tackle this new journey as a single parent. I was on my own with my son, and it was tough but amazing and I would do it again.

Good luck!

Disneygeek77

I want to give you a few things to think about.

1. He absolutely knew what he was doing when he purposely sent the prenup over after your meeting with the lawyer.  That was on purpose because he knows what your lawyer would say if he/she read it.  This prenup is to benefit him and not you.  IT is not a fair prenup.  I would even bet you a bajillion dollars that his own lawyer said that you won't sign it once you talk to a lawyer.  That is why he is pressuring you to sign it NOW and leaving all sorts of threats.  Now he is threatening to get his own place but I guarantee he will threaten to break up with you AGAIN, if you don't sign before friday.  

2.  I read a few of your past posts and you keep saying he isn't a terrible person.  Sorry, but he is a terrible person.  Any man that tries to talk his girlfriend into having an abortion against her will, breaks up with his pregnant girlfriend and manipulates her into signing an unfair prenup, is a terrible person.  This is exactly what terrible people do.  Good men don't act like this, they just don't.  Please wake up and realize this.  He isn't someone to build a life with or have a future with.  

3.  If he is like this now, how will be behave if life gets really difficult ?  What if you lose your job ?  What if you are like my cousin and get stricken with cancer ?  What if you are like my friend and have a son with such severe developmental delays that even at the age of 14 still want talk or use the toilet?  What if your baby gets cerebral palsy ?  What if you get multiple sclerosis ?  What if you are like me and have to bury your 4 month old baby in the ground ?  Think he will stick around for that ?  Of course he wouldn't.  

Look, the person you choose to marry is one of the most important decisions you will ever make.  That person must be someone with character because you have no idea what life has in store for you.  No idea.  Your boyfriend has none, zero character.   There are 3 billion men on this planet.  Yes 3 billion.  There are men out there that are loving, kind, supportive, hardworking, loyal, trustworthy and responsible.  Yes there are even men out there with noble character that would date and marry a single mother.  You are wasting your life away with this one and willingly choosing a life of misery for yourself and you baby.  

Please pleas please leave him and please get yourself into individual counseling.  There is something deep down inside of you that is taking him back again and again and you need to get to the bottom of it.  I too have gone to counseling before and I honestly believe it was one of the healthiest decisions I ever made.  

designchica

I wish this were MUD, but it is not. I appreciate the responses and feedback an am still reading through them.    

Believe me, I get how crazy and bizarre this is.  I am ashamed of the relationship and my friends and family are shaking their heads going, "this is not like you. what the hell? You are strong and confident. Why are you with this guy?" and I dont' know what to say.   I love him and I keep forgiving him and making excuses for his behavior telling myself he is getting help (yes, we are both in counseling both individually and as a couple).   

He has made a lot of promises that he "has changed" and "is making progress in therapy" regarding his need to break up with me every time there is conflict.  He begs me back, swears he will never do it again, and I give him another chance.  Yes, I'm an idiot and its pathetic.  I see this, but I believe people can change, so I thought he would.  Clearly I was wrong as it happens every couple of weeks like clockwork.  

You are all right.  I shouldn't be marrying him. I shouldn't be moving in with him, and I shouldn't even be having a baby with him.  

I am a strong person and have been through a lot in life, but even this has taken a toll on me. I cannot eat, I am torn to pieces.  I feel like I can barely function right now, and I am on bed rest because of a tear in my placenta, so I really cannot handle more stress.  

I'm sorry for all this crazy.  I appreciate the time people took to respond and give me some sound advice.  Thank you. 

Disneygeek77

Keep telling yourself this phrase, " Actions speak louder than words."  Begging and pleading are relatively easy.  They are just words after all.  Real action is much more difficult.  

It seems you BF has figured out that you will believe whatever he says.  But again actions speak louder than words.  

By the way he is acting with this prenup ordeal, it is obvious he hasn't changed or made any progress.  If he was, then he would have respected your right to talk to your lawyer first.  Hell, he would have made sure that prenup was at your lawyer's office in time for the meeting.  But he didn't, again, because counseling and therapy has done nothing at all for him.  Nothing.  

Tell him you won't sign the prenup until you talk to the lawyer and that you respect his decision to find another place.  I guarantee he will tell you he wants to break up AGAIN because his idle threat didn't work on you.

leoandethansmom

designchica said:

I wish this were MUD, but it is not. I appreciate the responses and feedback an am still reading through them.    

Believe me, I get how crazy and bizarre this is.  I am ashamed of the relationship and my friends and family are shaking their heads going, "this is not like you. what the hell? You are strong and confident. Why are you with this guy?" and I dont' know what to say.   I love him and I keep forgiving him and making excuses for his behavior telling myself he is getting help (yes, we are both in counseling both individually and as a couple).   

He has made a lot of promises that he "has changed" and "is making progress in therapy" regarding his need to break up with me every time there is conflict.  He begs me back, swears he will never do it again, and I give him another chance.  Yes, I'm an idiot and its pathetic.  I see this, but I believe people can change, so I thought he would.  Clearly I was wrong as it happens every couple of weeks like clockwork.  

You are all right.  I shouldn't be marrying him. I shouldn't be moving in with him, and I shouldn't even be having a baby with him.  

I am a strong person and have been through a lot in life, but even this has taken a toll on me. I cannot eat, I am torn to pieces.  I feel like I can barely function right now, and I am on bed rest because of a tear in my placenta, so I really cannot handle more stress.  

I'm sorry for all this crazy.  I appreciate the time people took to respond and give me some sound advice.  Thank you. 

For love of all that is holy LISTEN TO YOURSELF. You are a strong, beautiful woman that is creating a human life. A HUMAN LIFE. Do we need to repeat that? You are bringing a life into this world. If this LO is a girl would you want her to marry this man the way you are considering? If this is a boy would you want him to treat his future wife this way? The answer to those questions is NO. This man does not care about you and he is not going to change. Your friends see it, your family sees it, hell, even you see it. Do the right thing for you and your LO, take care of both of you and leave this abusive asshole. If he wants to change and come around in his own time that's great, maybe he will, but marrying him next month is NOT THE ANSWER. I say this with as much respect as I can, listen to the people who love you and listen to weird internet strangers.

JRod13

You're not an idiot and you're not pathetic- you're in a shitty spot with a dude who is manipulating the ever lovin shit out of you. Don't let him continue to do that. At this point there is more riding on it than just your feelings- what if you have this baby and dude keeps coming in and out of it's life like he is doing with yours? He's a pathetic asshole and you and your baby deserve better than that. I understand your wanting to think that people change and can be better, but in this case- I'd need to see A LOT of these changes in action over a long period of time in order to believe them. Talk is cheap, and even his talk isn't that great what with the rushing you to sign a prenup and threatening that he will sign a lease without you. Good luck OP- I know it's hard, but stand up for yourself.

designchica

@RaeChay ,My therapist doesn't say much about his behavior , but focuses mainly on how I am coping and responding to it.  She does think he is very unhealthy and manipulative, but she hasn't told me to leave him.    She doesn't work that way. Instead she guides me to come to my own conclusions.    She knows that I love him. She did say that she thinks he may need about five years of therapy to get to a point where he can get through life without running every time he doesn't get his way, but she has never met him and is only going off of what I've told her about the relationship.