Parenting

MIL troubles

I don't know where to put this, so I hope it's in the right place!

One of my *things,* that doesn't seem to necessarily bother anyone else, is a fairly rabid stance on seat belts. I do not like anyone in my car riding without one - my BIL stormed out of my car and threatened to walk home from a restaurant a year or two ago because I insisted.

Last night, after dinner, DH was driving home. I offered MIL the front seat, but she declined and chose to sit in the back. I turned and saw she was not wearing her seat belt. I asked if we needed to adjust the car seats so she could buckle up. (For the record, there is access to the seatbelt the way they are now; I just was trying not to make a thing.) She said no. I said "oh, let me switch and sit in the back then," to which she responded, "No. I'm fine." It was getting late and we were still long way from home, so I let it go, but I don't want to drive all the way to vacation and back that way - MIL is come with is to Maryland for a week at the end of the summer. :(

Can you help me draft a diplomatic email to her? Here is what I have:

I'm so glad that you are coming with us on our Ocean City vacation! We all love it there so much, and the kids will be so happy to spend time with you. There is one issue, however, I feel we need to resolve before we set out; I feel strongly that people riding in our car, regardless of age or seat position, be buckled up safely.

New Jersey and Delaware have seat belt laws for every passenger, even those in the back seat, and Maryland will have one going into effect this fall. Not only is safer for the individual to wear a seatbelt, but in the event of an accident, you run the risk of becoming a projectile and injuring others in the car.

DS and DD love you and look up to you, and it is important to me that as a role model you have a seatbelt on as well.

I am happy to offer you the front seat if you would be more comfortable up there. I do know that the back is somewhat crowded with both carseats; poor DS will likely be rear-facing until he is 6 years old, since rear facing is 5 times safer,8
and we bought a car seat with the highest possible rear-facing weight limit!

Thank you, Me

-----
What do you think? This is stressing me out. (I'll obviously change DS, DD, and Me to our actual names...)
«134

Re: MIL troubles

  • The problem is she has to come down with us - it's a really long trip so it would be ridiculous to take 2 cars. And we will be traveling through states where it's illegal not to wear a seat belt - even in the back. I know the likelihood of getting a ticket for that is really low, but it's something...
  • fredalina said:

    Butt out.

    ? It's my car and my kids. Do I not have a right to concern? Especially during the parts of the drive where not wearing it is illegal?

  • This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?


    I agree with this.  Also, I'd take out the last sentence about rear-facing before your husband sends it (or calls her to tell her the same - which sounds infinitely less hostile to me than an email).  The rear-facing sentence (though I entirely agree and intend to do the same) seems unnecessarily holier-than-thou.

     Image and video hosting by TinyPic

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    Pregnancy Ticker

  • I disagree with what your MIL did, but she's an adult and can so what she wants. I would ask that she not ride with me.

    I don't get people who refuse seatbelts.

    I disagree that she can do what she wants. She can do what she wants in her own car. You are the one liable if you get pulled over, not Mil. Therefore, she needs to respect your rules. I think you're 100% right for insisting, especially in front of your kids. But it needs to come from your H. Your message was great, but I still think your H needs to step up.
    Baby Birthday Ticker TickerBaby Birthday Ticker Ticker

    It takes a special amount of bitch to induce menstruation in another person. - LovelyRitaMeterMaid


    Rap Roller
    MrsL1012[Deleted User]
  • I have the same rule in my car. I've had people get out too. I don't get it at all.

    I'd have your H say something to her.


    image image
  • This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

    That's what I originally thought... But she would *know* it came from me so I thought it would be better to be direct. I'll talk to DH about, but I think he's not going to want to get involved.

  • MrsL1012 said:

    This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

    That's what I originally thought... But she would *know* it came from me so I thought it would be better to be direct. I'll talk to DH about, but I think he's not going to want to get involved.

    But coming from him shows you're united and he agrees with you, even if the idea wasn't his originally.


    image image
    MrsL1012LaurelBeebostonkisses
  • This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?


    I agree with this.  Also, I'd take out the last sentence about rear-facing before your husband sends it (or calls her to tell her the same - which sounds infinitely less hostile to me than an email).  The rear-facing sentence (though I entirely agree and intend to do the same) seems unnecessarily holier-than-thou.

    Agree.  And it has nothing to do with her wearing a seatbelt.
    image
    MrsL1012
  • Thanks, ladies!

    DH is really, really not confrontational - especially with his family. He prefers to "stay out of it." This leads to me just keeping my mouth shut rather than having a disagreement all the time over minor things, but this is really something I feel strongly about. If DH won't talk to her, I'll have to - I'm just trying to find the most tactful way.

    I won't mention RFing; my reasoning was to highlight that I have lots of car safety rules, not just with her, but I can see where it comes off wrong.
  • I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    missymo
  • I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

    Yes, they do -

    NJ:
    http://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html

    DE:
    http://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts
  • I agree with having your DH bring it up. I would do it closer to the trip and in person. I don't think it's a hill to die on, but I can see why it's important to you. I also agree the best angle to take is her modeling good seatbelt practice for your kids.
    Image and video hosting by TinyPic  

    "I realize I say the word fuck a lot, and I'd like to apologize but I don't give a shit." -Lewis Black
    MrsL1012
  • I agree with PPs. Talk to her in person or see if you can get H to do it instead of an email. I would add, since it's your car and you're driving, let her know if she refuses a seatbelt that she will pay the ticket in any state you're pulled over. My SIL does this too but if it's us driving she does put it on. GL.
    imageLilypie First Birthday tickers
    MrsL1012
  • MrsL1012 said:
    I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.
    Yes, they do - NJ: http://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html DE: http://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts
    For those UNDER 18
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • The under 18 seat belt laws in back seats are for children, not adults. I say butt out because it's her head, not yours. Your letter is very self righteous.

    Hysterectomy after Stage IV Endometriosis
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    image
    Charlotte Rocks!

    Kaydfry2411bostonkissespeanutrach1

  • MrsL1012 said:

    I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

    Yes, they do -

    NJ:
    http://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html

    DE:
    http://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts

    For those UNDER 18


    I believe it says all passengers.

    From the Delaware website: "Everyone in the vehicle, including backseat passengers and children, must wear seat belts properly."

    And New Jersey:
    " On January 18, 2010, legislation was signed into law requiring all occupants to buckle up, regardless of their seating position in a vehicle. A secondary offense, the new law allows police to issue summonses to unbuckled back seat occupants, 18 years of age and older, when the vehicle they are riding in is stopped for another violation. The law is effective immediately."

    My main concern is not the law, as I insist on seatbelts in NY as well, but it IS illegal in those states.




  • In NJ backseat seatbelt laws are secondary meaning the only reason someone in the backseat would get a ticket would be if the car was pulled over first for a violation...DE only for under 16.


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • fredalina said:

    The under 18 seat belt laws in back seats are for children, not adults. I say butt out because it's her head, not yours. Your letter is very self righteous.


    The new laws are for everyone. (See links above if you must.)

    I do not want to come off as self-righteous which is why I posted on here for advice. This is something I care about, and I will not "butt out" as it concerns me and my children. I was not asking for your views on seatbelts, and how you handle things in your car or your own family, but rather how best to approach this given MY priorities. Obviously, if you don't share those values, you don't have advice to give, and that's fine. Your car, your rules.
  • In NJ backseat seatbelt laws are secondary meaning the only reason someone in the backseat would get a ticket would be if the car was pulled over first for a violation...DE only for under 16.


    I understand that the NJ law is secondary, but it is still a law. The ways you can get a ticket are not the issue - it remains illegal.

    From my reading of the Delaware website, it says EVERYONE so we will disagree on that.

  • kj07kj07
    Ancient Membership 5000 Comments 250 Answers 100 Love Its
    member
    Regardless of the law, as the driver OP trumps MIL.   I'd be more likely to accept the butt-out sentiment if OP was discussing MIL's actions while in MIL's car, but she's not.  She's talking about what MIL is doing in OP's car, while OP is the driver.
    photo 8653f130-7264-42f4-8d67-9a73d64cacce_zps8c973e49.jpg

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker



    BFP #1 4/14/10. Big B born 12/28/10.


    BFP #2 5/27/12. EDD 2/1/13. m/c and D&C 6/21/12.
    MrsL1012ashleysyn2
  • NJ: Applies to all passengers, who are at least 8 years of age but less than 18 years of age, and each driver and front seat passenger of a passenger automobile, operated on a street or highway. All of these occupants are required to wear a properly adjusted and fastened seat belt system.

    Delaware might be everyone but if your MIL looks up the NJ law, you will look like an idiot.

    Just tell her, verbally (DH talking), "It's a long trip and I want everyone in my car to be buckled up for safety and to be good role models to the children."

    You are making this into way too big a "thing" and you're practically begging for a power struggle.

    For the record, I am VERY safety conscious about seat belts. My 4 year old still RF. but you aren't coming up roses and sunshine on this IMO.

    Hysterectomy after Stage IV Endometriosis
    AlternaTickers - Cool, free Web tickers
    image
    Charlotte Rocks!

    FemShepbostonkissesEarlybird725
  • Scout2005 said:

    Is she fucking five years old? Buckle your seat belt and grow up.

    I want to unlove your comment so I can love it again. The thread got off topic discussing legality which wasn't my point, primarily.

  • If you look at the NEXT line on the NJ website, which I've already quoted, you will see that as of 2010 the law applies to everyone.
  • The whole email using the "legality" of her seatbelt use to get her to wear her seatbelt is what got everything off topic...

    If you want her to wear her seatlbelt say rules in your car are everyone must wear a seatbelt.  The end.

    If you want to send her an email about it and pussyfoot around then leave it be-because its passive and she will dismiss it.

    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
    [Deleted User]fredalinabostonkissespeanutrach1
«134
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards