MIL troubles

MrsL1012

I don't know where to put this, so I hope it's in the right place!

One of my *things,* that doesn't seem to necessarily bother anyone else, is a fairly rabid stance on seat belts. I do not like anyone in my car riding without one - my BIL stormed out of my car and threatened to walk home from a restaurant a year or two ago because I insisted.

Last night, after dinner, DH was driving home. I offered MIL the front seat, but she declined and chose to sit in the back. I turned and saw she was not wearing her seat belt. I asked if we needed to adjust the car seats so she could buckle up. (For the record, there is access to the seatbelt the way they are now; I just was trying not to make a thing.) She said no. I said "oh, let me switch and sit in the back then," to which she responded, "No. I'm fine." It was getting late and we were still long way from home, so I let it go, but I don't want to drive all the way to vacation and back that way - MIL is come with is to Maryland for a week at the end of the summer.

Can you help me draft a diplomatic email to her? Here is what I have:

I'm so glad that you are coming with us on our Ocean City vacation! We all love it there so much, and the kids will be so happy to spend time with you. There is one issue, however, I feel we need to resolve before we set out; I feel strongly that people riding in our car, regardless of age or seat position, be buckled up safely.

New Jersey and Delaware have seat belt laws for every passenger, even those in the back seat, and Maryland will have one going into effect this fall. Not only is safer for the individual to wear a seatbelt, but in the event of an accident, you run the risk of becoming a projectile and injuring others in the car.

DS and DD love you and look up to you, and it is important to me that as a role model you have a seatbelt on as well.

I am happy to offer you the front seat if you would be more comfortable up there. I do know that the back is somewhat crowded with both carseats; poor DS will likely be rear-facing until he is 6 years old, since rear facing is 5 times safer,8
and we bought a car seat with the highest possible rear-facing weight limit!

Thank you, Me

-----
What do you think? This is stressing me out. (I'll obviously change DS, DD, and Me to our actual names...)

MrsL1012

The problem is she has to come down with us - it's a really long trip so it would be ridiculous to take 2 cars. And we will be traveling through states where it's illegal not to wear a seat belt - even in the back. I know the likelihood of getting a ticket for that is really low, but it's something...

littlemermaid

This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

MrsL1012

fredalina said:

Butt out.

? It's my car and my kids. Do I not have a right to concern? Especially during the parts of the drive where not wearing it is illegal?

MrsSparklesMcGee

littlemermaid said:

This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

I agree with this.  Also, I'd take out the last sentence about rear-facing before your husband sends it (or calls her to tell her the same - which sounds infinitely less hostile to me than an email).  The rear-facing sentence (though I entirely agree and intend to do the same) seems unnecessarily holier-than-thou.

LaurelBee

Brandi Bee said:

I disagree with what your MIL did, but she's an adult and can so what she wants. I would ask that she not ride with me.

I don't get people who refuse seatbelts.

I disagree that she can do what she wants. She can do what she wants in her own car. You are the one liable if you get pulled over, not Mil. Therefore, she needs to respect your rules. I think you're 100% right for insisting, especially in front of your kids. But it needs to come from your H. Your message was great, but I still think your H needs to step up.

RondackHiker

I have the same rule in my car. I've had people get out too. I don't get it at all.

I'd have your H say something to her.

MrsL1012

littlemermaid said:

This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

That's what I originally thought... But she would *know* it came from me so I thought it would be better to be direct. I'll talk to DH about, but I think he's not going to want to get involved.

RondackHiker

MrsL1012 said:

littlemermaid said:

This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

That's what I originally thought... But she would *know* it came from me so I thought it would be better to be direct. I'll talk to DH about, but I think he's not going to want to get involved.

But coming from him shows you're united and he agrees with you, even if the idea wasn't his originally.

scoutkate

Mrs.SparklesMcGee said:

littlemermaid said:

This is one of those situations where the message would come better from her son not her daughter-in-law.  Your husband needs to be the one to tell his mother to buckle up.  Why is he making you out to be the bad guy?

I agree with this.  Also, I'd take out the last sentence about rear-facing before your husband sends it (or calls her to tell her the same - which sounds infinitely less hostile to me than an email).  The rear-facing sentence (though I entirely agree and intend to do the same) seems unnecessarily holier-than-thou.

Agree.  And it has nothing to do with her wearing a seatbelt.

MrsL1012

Thanks, ladies!

DH is really, really not confrontational - especially with his family. He prefers to "stay out of it." This leads to me just keeping my mouth shut rather than having a disagreement all the time over minor things, but this is really something I feel strongly about. If DH won't talk to her, I'll have to - I'm just trying to find the most tactful way.

I won't mention RFing; my reasoning was to highlight that I have lots of car safety rules, not just with her, but I can see where it comes off wrong.

mom2pottamus

I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

KaramelSutra

i don't understand why you need to send an email. why can't you have a frank conversation with her about it? if she refuses, then she doesn't ride in your car.

MrsL1012

mom2pottamus said:

I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

Yes, they do -

NJ:
https://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html

DE:
https://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts

littlestjerry

I agree with having your DH bring it up. I would do it closer to the trip and in person. I don't think it's a hill to die on, but I can see why it's important to you. I also agree the best angle to take is her modeling good seatbelt practice for your kids.

secretsout

Seatbelts are one of my things too.  I have friends that don't think a seat belt is necessary in the back seat, but I insist anyway. I'm pretty blunt about it though. I tell them that I don't care what the "law" is, but that I'm not going to be the one to have to call their family and said they were killed in a car crash because they didn't wear their seat belt.  I also tell them that I don't care about what they want, but that I don't want someone else in my car killed because they are flying around in the car because they refused to wear a seat belt.  And I tell them that if they don't like it, they can get out. 

I honestly wouldn't send a long drawn out email.  I would either just let it be, and then just insist that you aren't moving until she puts on her seat belt when the time comes, or make her sit up front the whole way.  Your car, your rules.  If it really need to be addressed before the trip, then have your husband call and make it short and sweet.  Like, "we were kinda bothered the other day when you didn't wear your seat belt, but it is something we will insist on on the trip, just so you know."

jak554

I agree with PPs. Talk to her in person or see if you can get H to do it instead of an email. I would add, since it's your car and you're driving, let her know if she refuses a seatbelt that she will pay the ticket in any state you're pulled over. My SIL does this too but if it's us driving she does put it on. GL.

mom2pottamus

MrsL1012 said:

I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

Yes, they do - NJ: https://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html DE: https://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts

For those UNDER 18

MrsL1012

mom2pottamus said:

MrsL1012 said:

mom2pottamus said:

I would say let it be.  Secondly those states don't have back seat seatbelt laws so using the angle of it being illegal isn't valid.

Yes, they do -

NJ:
https://www.nj.gov/oag/hts/seatbelts.html

DE:
https://ohs.delaware.gov/seatbelts

For those UNDER 18


I believe it says all passengers.

From the Delaware website: "Everyone in the vehicle, including backseat passengers and children, must wear seat belts properly."

And New Jersey:
" On January 18, 2010, legislation was signed into law requiring all occupants to buckle up, regardless of their seating position in a vehicle. A secondary offense, the new law allows police to issue summonses to unbuckled back seat occupants, 18 years of age and older, when the vehicle they are riding in is stopped for another violation. The law is effective immediately."

My main concern is not the law, as I insist on seatbelts in NY as well, but it IS illegal in those states.

mom2pottamus

In NJ backseat seatbelt laws are secondary meaning the only reason someone in the backseat would get a ticket would be if the car was pulled over first for a violation...DE only for under 16.

MrsL1012

fredalina said:

The under 18 seat belt laws in back seats are for children, not adults. I say butt out because it's her head, not yours. Your letter is very self righteous.

The new laws are for everyone. (See links above if you must.)

I do not want to come off as self-righteous which is why I posted on here for advice. This is something I care about, and I will not "butt out" as it concerns me and my children. I was not asking for your views on seatbelts, and how you handle things in your car or your own family, but rather how best to approach this given MY priorities. Obviously, if you don't share those values, you don't have advice to give, and that's fine. Your car, your rules.

MrsL1012

mom2pottamus said:

In NJ backseat seatbelt laws are secondary meaning the only reason someone in the backseat would get a ticket would be if the car was pulled over first for a violation...DE only for under 16.

I understand that the NJ law is secondary, but it is still a law. The ways you can get a ticket are not the issue - it remains illegal.

From my reading of the Delaware website, it says EVERYONE so we will disagree on that.

kj07

Regardless of the law, as the driver OP trumps MIL.   I'd be more likely to accept the butt-out sentiment if OP was discussing MIL's actions while in MIL's car, but she's not.  She's talking about what MIL is doing in OP's car, while OP is the driver.

MrsL1012

Scout2005 said:

Is she fucking five years old? Buckle your seat belt and grow up.

I want to unlove your comment so I can love it again. The thread got off topic discussing legality which wasn't my point, primarily.

MrsL1012

If you look at the NEXT line on the NJ website, which I've already quoted, you will see that as of 2010 the law applies to everyone.

mom2pottamus

The whole email using the "legality" of her seatbelt use to get her to wear her seatbelt is what got everything off topic...

If you want her to wear her seatlbelt say rules in your car are everyone must wear a seatbelt.  The end.

If you want to send her an email about it and pussyfoot around then leave it be-because its passive and she will dismiss it.

RondackHiker

I'm on your side. My car, my rules. I'm responsible and potentially legally liable for everyone in my car. Not buckling could fuck up my liability and your flying body could fuck up my belted body.

In MIL's car or someone else's car, I'd say butt out. In your own car, you get to make the rules.

missymo

I'm sure it's been said, but really you need to just let this go.  She is an adult.  It's stupid not to wear a seat belt, but you don't need to be sending your MIL emails and shit about it.  

I have to be totally honest and say that if I had a DIL who made a big fucking deal about me not wearing a seat belt, I would think less of her.  Again, it's stupid not to wear a seat belt, but it is also stupid to make such a huge deal about another adult making that stupid choice. 

If you get in an accident and she flies through the window, you can be comforted that you told her so.  

RondackHiker

Oh and I'm team don't send the email, just tell her to her face. The email is over the top and ridiculous and won't help.

I have never had people resist too much when I tell them my buckle up rule.

pghmortdoll

My car, with my kid in it and you WILL wear your seatbelt or get out. End of story.

MrsL1012

What if we get in an accident and she flies into my belted children? Is that something I can still just brush aside with "I told you so?"

And when my children are older and they follow Grandma's example and get into other people's cars and don't wear seatbelts and THEY go flying out, she'll just learn her lesson then, right?

outnumbered

RondackHiker said:

Oh and I'm team don't send the email, just tell her to her face. The email is over the top and ridiculous and won't help. I have never had people resist too much when I tell them my buckle up rule.

 I agree with this sentiment.  The email is ridiculous.  My MIL often forgets to buckle up.  I just tell her that she has to use a seat belt in our car.  If I do not tell her my kids will.  I would never send the email the OP wrote.

outnumbered

MrsL1012 said:

. I turned and saw she was not wearing her seat belt. I asked if we needed to adjust the car seats so she could buckle up. (For the record, there is access to the seatbelt the way they are now; I just was trying not to make a thing.) She said no. I said "oh, let me switch and sit in the back then," to which she responded, "No. I'm fine." It was getting late and we were still long way from home, so I let it go, 

Why didn't you just say "please buckle up."? You talked about seats and belts, but never made that simple request?  Three spoken words is much better than a multiparagraph email.

mom2pottamus

MrsL1012 said:

What if we get in an accident and she flies into my belted children? Is that something I can still just brush aside with "I told you so?" And when my children are older and they follow Grandma's example and get into other people's cars and don't wear seatbelts and THEY go flying out, she'll just learn her lesson then, right?

You should include this in your email too, since its not at all dramatic.

Stop being ridiculous and just tell her what you want her to do.  Seriously if you approach issues with your MIL in this way on a regular basis she isn't going to ever give a shit what you say.

MrsL1012

outnumbered said:

RondackHiker said:

Oh and I'm team don't send the email, just tell her to her face. The email is over the top and ridiculous and won't help.

I have never had people resist too much when I tell them my buckle up rule.

 I agree with this sentiment.  The email is ridiculous.  My MIL often forgets to buckle up.  I just tell her that she has to use a seat belt in our car.  If I do not tell her my kids will.  I would never send the email the OP wrote.

Please help me make my message less ridiculous and over the top. THAT was my original question. In the event that DH chooses not to talk to her about it and I have to, what is the most tactful approach? I thought the email was less confrontational, but you all have said that's not the case - so I will discuss it with her directly. There is no need to argue with me about the validity of my rules and my interpretation of the law; they are MY rules, and not what I was requesting opinions about.

The constructive feedback so far has been to ask DH to deal with it, or, failing that, talk to her rather than send an email - any other advice?

outnumbered

MrsL1012 said:

RondackHiker said:

Oh and I'm team don't send the email, just tell her to her face. The email is over the top and ridiculous and won't help. I have never had people resist too much when I tell them my buckle up rule.

 I agree with this sentiment.  The email is ridiculous.  My MIL often forgets to buckle up.  I just tell her that she has to use a seat belt in our car.  If I do not tell her my kids will.  I would never send the email the OP wrote.

Please help me make my message less ridiculous and over the top. THAT was my original question. In the event that DH chooses not to talk to her about it and I have to, what is the most tactful approach? I thought the email was less confrontational, but you all have said that's not the case - so I will discuss it with her directly. There is no need to argue with me about the validity of my rules and my interpretation of the law; they are MY rules, and not what I was requesting opinions about. The constructive feedback so far has been to ask DH to deal with it, or, failing that, talk to her rather than send an email - any other advice? 

I have no other advice.  When she gets in the car just say 'please buckle up'.  

MrsL1012

This was in response to a comment by a poster here, and obviously not intended as a tactful response to my MIL.

But you know what? I *am* dramatic about my children's safety. Which is okay with me. And frankly, I would hope my MIL would be concerned with it as well.

lindsay.lou

Unbuckled passengers can severely injure buckled passengers in an accident, especially a roll over type accident. Imagine an unsecured, 100+ pound object flying around a rolling car. I wouldn't drive a inch with an unbuckled passenger in my car. This is not a, "she's an adult, it's her decision" situation because she's compromising the safety of everyone in that car with her stupidity and stubborness. That said, I agree with the PPs that a long, drawn out e-mail probably isn't necessary.

missymo

You know what else could severely injure someone in a roll over accident? Luggage.  Are you going to make sure you have no luggage, no toys, no water bottles, no sunglasses, etc. in your car?  No cellphones, no books?  Also, please make sure that no one is allowed to take their shoes off.  

ETA: that being said, I do agree with those who advised you just to tell her to buckle up when she gets in the car.  I wouldn't kick her out if she makes a stink, but obviously it's up to you.  It's the giant fucking deal you were making out of it that seemed over the top and ridiculous.  

RondackHiker

OP, just say it's a rule in your car that everyone wears a seatbelt. If she argues simply repeat it's the rule that all passengers wear a belt, and you don't move unless they're belted.

I also secure luggage in my car, but a luggage's health insurance company has never sued anyone so that's not as big of a concern to me. In my car, all are belted. Adults or no.

izzourclue

Forget the long email.  Next time someone is in your car and won't buckle up, tell them to get the fuck out.  Stop trying to be so diplomatic.  If you get pulled over and a passenger doesn't have their seat belt on, you could get a ticket (not sure on individual states).  If you get in an accident, MIL becomes a giant projectile endangering everyone else in the car.  And you made a good point about setting a good example for your children.  I would have drove off when BIL had his temper tantrum.  He wants to walk home over a seat belt, let him.  Based on their reactions, your email will just come off as preachy and know-it-all.