XP: Need Help Adjusting
Yianni has adjusted beautifully with his dad home. He's even napping longer, sleeping more, and vomiting less. I'm the one having problems.
DH used to be so strong and energetic. Now, he gets tired easily and Yianni wears him out. He often wants to put him in the exersaucer, bouncy chair, or swing even when he's having a reflux attack and needs to be held. I'm still doing 90% of the duties. I still get up at night when Yianni has a reflux attack. I administer all meds, feeds, etc. DH does do diapers. When there was the first poopie diaper since his return, he said, "Oh no! I'm not ready!" I replied with, "Oh, yes you are!" He did it and did a great job.
His laziness is a turn off to me and causing a problem with our marriage. Where is the man I married? Am I overreacting? He was gone for three months and returned Friday night (he's a cruise ship captain). He is on vacation for three months and we will be together all of the days this entire time. I have talked to him and discussed my feelings, but I think he thinks I'm overbearing and being mean. I think I'm also resentful that I had Yianni during the difficult period--choking every two hours, apnea monitor every three or so, and screaming from allergies, etc. Now, Yianni is doing so much better. DH did offer to come home at that time, but I told him to stay at work in case something was really wrong with Yianni and we needed him here.
Any advice is appreciated.
Re: XP: Need Help Adjusting
I'm pretty sure many of the women here will tell you that the very beginning with your DH is the HARDEST time. They want to help, they just don't know how to. They don't know what you are ok with letting them help with. We as women tend to take control of the situation and just do everything without asking for help because we are the mom, shouldn't we be able to handle it all anyways? It's not easy to convey to your DH that you need help but you need to do that. He's probably a bit stand-offish right now since he knows that you can do it all yourself, and is thinking why you need his help.
My best advice, leave the baby at home with him for a few hours while you go out on your own. Go to the mall, head to the park and read a book, just get out of the house without your DH and without the baby. The ONLY way he'll see how much work raising a baby really is......is to be put into that situation where he is the primary caregiver, even if its just for a few hours. Plus its GREAT for you to get out.
Another great thing to do is to find ways to help each other out. For example, on bath days as you get the water and bath ready have him undress the baby and bring the baby to you. Or better yet if he'll do bath duty himself that's even better. That way you can get his help but also allow time for him to bond with his son while also taking care of him at the same time if you know what I mean.
Men don't know how to read minds, the only way to tell them what you want done is to TELL them.
Sorry this was lengthy, I just remember going through this when Mikey was an infant.
You are not alone. I think everyone has an adjustment period the first time you need to figure out whose role is what in taking care of the baby. I agree with PP sometimes, as women, we inadvertently give our DHs the message that we can handle it all and don't ask for help. I would say I even went as far as to criticize my DH on the things he was helping with as if I somehow knew better (which of course I didn't b/c he was my 1st baby too).
I would suggest you figure out how you can divide the work amongst you and then sit down with DH at a time when you are not upset and let him know you could really use some help and exactly what you would like to see happen. I would also suggest that you bring him along to the next dr. appt. so he can hear from the dr. directly how best to handle DS when he is having a reflux attack. In his defense, he may just not know any better. Rememer you have been dealing with this for 4 months and he just walked in on this situation.
Lastly, I would agree with PP, leave him alone with DS every once in a while so he can see what it is like to take care of him on his own. It might be a little nerveraking at 1st for you because you will likely worry that something will go wrong in your absence but sometime we need to let go a little and trust our DHs. After all they are their dads and want them to be healthy and safe just like we do.
GL!!!
Thanks, ladies. It's nice to know the local board is so helpful. I'm a little shy with posting, and I posted on the SAL board. People there usually don't reply to my posts (except Tracy-TayLyn and Gena), and I feel like an idiot for sharing personal feelings.
Thank you for your kind words; the advice is exactly what I was looking for. This morning, I canceled my doctor's appointment scheduled for tomorrow for the exact reason you stated (being scared he couldn't handle it), but I will definitely feel more confident going on Wednesday next week.
When my husband used to be away from work, the being back together part was always a little awkward at first, I can only imagine that it is infinitely more strained with an infant. Sorry that you are all needing some time to adjust.
That being said, Sam's advice is excellent. Go do something on your own to rejuvenate yourself and to give your husband some intensive daddy time. He'll come around. Guys don't like to not know what to do, they'll avoid rather than look ignorant in front of others. He'll pick it up and he'll gain some self confidence. You'll get your husband back!
GL
You are so right! I think it's because he didn't know how or what to do. This afternoon and tonight he really stepped up to the plate. He's been awesome, and I feel like a freak for whining/complaining.
Thanks for the support!
The ladies' advice is right on the money. With an infant, you can never have enough people helping. I was doing most of the baby work while DH did most of the housework (cooking, dishes, laundry, pets, etc.). The things he did for the baby were mostly handle the bottles and feed her occassionally when I needed a break. I think as a couple we all have the up and down periods. It's just important not to criticize or nag them because ultimately nothing is accomplished with that. People just end up feeling bitter because he is just as sleep deprived and physically overwhelmed as you are probably. Just have a rational, calm talk with him and tell him how to handle things. Unfortunately, most men don't get anything done unless we specifially ask them for it. And definitely take an hour or two away from them for yourself. I know it's hard but it will be worth it. Hang in there!
Hey, sweetie. Sorry I'm late getting to this.
Sam and the others had some good advice. I think it's pretty common for dads to not know what to do. They also find it easier to "walk away" from the baby. They just aren't mommies!
My DH used to put Andrew down if he cried for more than a minute. He would put a CRYING baby down in the crib and start to walk away! It was crazy. I guess he just wanted me to swoop in and fix it. Men need to get more confidence and that takes a little time.
I talked to him about it and things have gotten a lot better. I also told DH he wasn't allowed to complain how tired he was when I was the one up every 2-3 hours. That would make me so resentful.
Hope things get better for you. Try talking about it. ((hugs))